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Original poster

Dad not doing what I ask

59 replies

hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 02:42

My ex is a massive narcissist and he will never ever admit he's wrong. He had our daughter (2) last weekend and I asked him to bath her because she hadn't had a shower for a week, she was really poorly and screams in the shower and gets really upset so I didnt think it was worth putting her through it. She loves the bath so I thought it better to wait because i don't have one. He didn't bath her because he didn't have time, in a full weekend, and she turned up with matted hair that he hadn't bothered to brush

He then had her this Saturday, I asked him to bath her, cut her nails and gave him the elf on the shelf because she absolutely loves waking up to him. He bathed her but didn't wash her hair, didn't cut her nails and didn't do the elf.

I'm so angry at him and told him so, he said I should just be grateful because he got her to poo (she has anxiety about pooing on the potty due to a painful poo) and that him getting her to sit on the toilet was the priority. I sit with her while she screams and cries on the toilet everyday and still manage to get everything else done. She also actually pooed in her knickers because she was so desperate so he didnt really do anything to help it. He is telling me I'm in the wrong for being annoyed and he didn't do anything wrong. Please can someone weigh in here and give opinions cause I'm losing my mind.

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LBFseBrom · 19/12/2022 03:04

You are not in the wrong, he is a neglectful father. However surely you could bathe your daughter in a large baby bath or bowl? That would be better than her not having a bath all week when she is poorly and it is not unusual for small children to be cleaned like that when they are no longer little babies. You could also have cut her nails, you don't need a bath for that.

Regardless, he was in the wrong. Put your foot down.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 19/12/2022 03:09

LBFseBrom · 19/12/2022 03:04

You are not in the wrong, he is a neglectful father. However surely you could bathe your daughter in a large baby bath or bowl? That would be better than her not having a bath all week when she is poorly and it is not unusual for small children to be cleaned like that when they are no longer little babies. You could also have cut her nails, you don't need a bath for that.

Regardless, he was in the wrong. Put your foot down.

This. Get a tub for her to bath in. He is a shit father who will only ever do the bare minimum.

Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 03:12

I'll definitely look into the bowl I never really thought about that thankyou! I'd never normally leave her that long without one but she had been to the hospital and I thought I was doing the right thing by not upsetting her. Her nails were not super long and could just do with a trim I didn't notice this until she was getting picked up so I asked him to do it for me

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HoppingPavlova · 19/12/2022 03:13

Some of this makes no sense. You hand your child off to their father asking them to wash them and clip their nails as you haven’t done so. They don’t do it and you are raging and claim it all indicates they are neglectful?

SkylightSkylight · 19/12/2022 03:15

If you were my friend or neighbour, she'd be more than welcome to come & have a bath at mine!

That aside, he's a useless twunt, TF he's your Ex!!

scotstarstrikestwo · 19/12/2022 03:15

He is shit but buy one of those big black toyboxes for about 24 from argos. My big 5 year old still baths comfortably in one of them. It's a ballache to fill and empty but it's worth it. I sympathise as my situation sane as you with a sgit dad who won't do things I ask and has a but I dont and this works well

Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 03:16

I understand where you're coming from but I truly thought I was doing the right thing not showering her because it makes her very upset and she was really unwell and I did not want to upset her further. The nails were not super long or desperate to be cut they just needed a trim and I don't think I should be the one to do all of these things it is his responsibility too in my opinion

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Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 03:17

Thank you so much I didnt even think about bathing her this way but I definitely will in the future 🥰

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dcadmamagain · 19/12/2022 03:23

Depending on what your showers like could you put a little paddling pool in it and use as a bath?

Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 03:24

dcadmamagain · 19/12/2022 03:23

Depending on what your showers like could you put a little paddling pool in it and use as a bath?

Unfortunately it is absolutely tiny only enough room for one person to stand but I'll definitely be looking into getting something for her to bath in I didnt even think about it due since reason

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Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 03:25

hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 03:24

Unfortunately it is absolutely tiny only enough room for one person to stand but I'll definitely be looking into getting something for her to bath in I didnt even think about it due since reason

Show quote history

For some reason**

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Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 03:27

SkylightSkylight · 19/12/2022 03:15

If you were my friend or neighbour, she'd be more than welcome to come & have a bath at mine!

That aside, he's a useless twunt, TF he's your Ex!!

Ahh that is so lovely thank you! Haha I thank my lucky stars daily 😂

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Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 03:29

HoppingPavlova · 19/12/2022 03:13

Some of this makes no sense. You hand your child off to their father asking them to wash them and clip their nails as you haven’t done so. They don’t do it and you are raging and claim it all indicates they are neglectful?

I understand where you're coming from but I truly thought I was doing the right thing not showering her because it makes her very upset and she was really unwell and I did not want to upset her further. The nails were not super long or desperate to be cut they just needed a trim and I don't think I should be the one to do all of these things it is his responsibility too in my opinion

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marcopront · 19/12/2022 03:53

The nails were not super long or desperate to be cut they just needed a trim and I don't think I should be the one to do all of these things it is his responsibility too in my opinion

It may look to him like you expect him to do all of these things.
I can't see her hair getting that matted in a weekend so to him it looks like. He has to
Bath her
Wash her hair
Cut her nails

What did you do?

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 19/12/2022 03:59

You cannot dictate what he does when your child is at his house. Stop testing him because that's exactly what you are doing.

Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 04:00

marcopront · 19/12/2022 03:53

The nails were not super long or desperate to be cut they just needed a trim and I don't think I should be the one to do all of these things it is his responsibility too in my opinion

It may look to him like you expect him to do all of these things.
I can't see her hair getting that matted in a weekend so to him it looks like. He has to
Bath her
Wash her hair
Cut her nails

What did you do?

I fed her, looked after her, sat with her all night in a and e while she sobbed and vomited everywhere, sat with her all night because she was so ill she couldn't sleep. And all he had to do was cut her nails for me

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Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 04:01

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 19/12/2022 03:59

You cannot dictate what he does when your child is at his house. Stop testing him because that's exactly what you are doing.

I cant ask her father to do things a father should do?

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MiddleParking · 19/12/2022 04:01

marcopront · 19/12/2022 03:53

The nails were not super long or desperate to be cut they just needed a trim and I don't think I should be the one to do all of these things it is his responsibility too in my opinion

It may look to him like you expect him to do all of these things.
I can't see her hair getting that matted in a weekend so to him it looks like. He has to
Bath her
Wash her hair
Cut her nails

What did you do?

All of the parenting responsibilities in the intervening week it sounds like Confused do you think he should have to do nothing for his own child on his contact time?

Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 04:03

MiddleParking · 19/12/2022 04:01

All of the parenting responsibilities in the intervening week it sounds like Confused do you think he should have to do nothing for his own child on his contact time?

Show quote history

Thank you!!! I appreciate I should do these things, and I do. But I don't see why he shouldn't have to do any of them either, it is not just my responsibility

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marcopront · 19/12/2022 04:06

I fed her, looked after her, sat with her all night in a and e while she sobbed and vomited everywhere, sat with her all night because she was so ill she couldn't sleep. And all he had to do was cut her nails for me

And bath her
And wash her hair

I am saying from his point of view, you asked him to do all the hygiene things.

Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 04:07

marcopront · 19/12/2022 04:06

I fed her, looked after her, sat with her all night in a and e while she sobbed and vomited everywhere, sat with her all night because she was so ill she couldn't sleep. And all he had to do was cut her nails for me

And bath her
And wash her hair

I am saying from his point of view, you asked him to do all the hygiene things.

And he should do them? I do them almost everyday why should he not have to?

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Rtmhwales · 19/12/2022 04:09

It's not up to you to tell him how to parent.

I'd be a bit Hmm at either of you dropping off a dirty matted child to the other parent.

You may not have wanted to upset her by putting her in the shower. He may have not wanted to upset her un-matting her hair or cutting her nails.

Honestly I'd draw a line under it. You can't dictate to your ex to do these things unfortunately.

Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 04:12

Rtmhwales · 19/12/2022 04:09

It's not up to you to tell him how to parent.

I'd be a bit Hmm at either of you dropping off a dirty matted child to the other parent.

You may not have wanted to upset her by putting her in the shower. He may have not wanted to upset her un-matting her hair or cutting her nails.

Honestly I'd draw a line under it. You can't dictate to your ex to do these things unfortunately.

She doesn't get upset when we cut her nails. It is pure laziness, she loves getting her nails done

It is absolutely up to me to tell him how to parent when he isn't doing the bare minimum for our child

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LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 19/12/2022 04:13

hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 04:01

I cant ask her father to do things a father should do?

Show quote history

You can ask, you can't dictate. You can ask til you're blue in the face, doesn't mean he'll do it. A friend asked her ex to get the children to have showers, week on week off, he made up lies and reported her to child services. Hopefully your Ex isn't as bad as that, but it sounds like he's not exactly father of the year material.

What was he like when you were together? Of course he should be equally responsible for these things, but if he was like this while you were together it's senseless expecting him to behave better post seperation. You'll feel resentful and angry and he'll still do what he wants. You can't make him step up.

Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 04:16

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 19/12/2022 04:13

You can ask, you can't dictate. You can ask til you're blue in the face, doesn't mean he'll do it. A friend asked her ex to get the children to have showers, week on week off, he made up lies and reported her to child services. Hopefully your Ex isn't as bad as that, but it sounds like he's not exactly father of the year material.

What was he like when you were together? Of course he should be equally responsible for these things, but if he was like this while you were together it's senseless expecting him to behave better post seperation. You'll feel resentful and angry and he'll still do what he wants. You can't make him step up.

Show quote history

Oh I agree I can't dictate of course but I feel like I am within my rights to he angry when he doesn't listen but maybe that's just me

He was the dad of the year when we were together absolutely besotted with her which makes me all the more upset now. I truly thought I'd chosen the right person for her

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