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Original poster

Dad not doing what I ask

59 replies

hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 02:42

My ex is a massive narcissist and he will never ever admit he's wrong. He had our daughter (2) last weekend and I asked him to bath her because she hadn't had a shower for a week, she was really poorly and screams in the shower and gets really upset so I didnt think it was worth putting her through it. She loves the bath so I thought it better to wait because i don't have one. He didn't bath her because he didn't have time, in a full weekend, and she turned up with matted hair that he hadn't bothered to brush

He then had her this Saturday, I asked him to bath her, cut her nails and gave him the elf on the shelf because she absolutely loves waking up to him. He bathed her but didn't wash her hair, didn't cut her nails and didn't do the elf.

I'm so angry at him and told him so, he said I should just be grateful because he got her to poo (she has anxiety about pooing on the potty due to a painful poo) and that him getting her to sit on the toilet was the priority. I sit with her while she screams and cries on the toilet everyday and still manage to get everything else done. She also actually pooed in her knickers because she was so desperate so he didnt really do anything to help it. He is telling me I'm in the wrong for being annoyed and he didn't do anything wrong. Please can someone weigh in here and give opinions cause I'm losing my mind.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 19/12/2022 04:24

hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 04:16

Oh I agree I can't dictate of course but I feel like I am within my rights to he angry when he doesn't listen but maybe that's just me

He was the dad of the year when we were together absolutely besotted with her which makes me all the more upset now. I truly thought I'd chosen the right person for her

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Has it been long? If the splits fairly recent and he was a good Dad maybe step back for a bit and see he might just need a little time and space to get back there. I've done a fair amount of being angry, never achieved anything, but sounds like he's a different kettle of fish to my stbxh.

Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 04:50

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 19/12/2022 04:24

Has it been long? If the splits fairly recent and he was a good Dad maybe step back for a bit and see he might just need a little time and space to get back there. I've done a fair amount of being angry, never achieved anything, but sounds like he's a different kettle of fish to my stbxh.

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It's been about five months now. I don't think he is a bad dad as such I just think he is used to the fun parts of it so he doesn't like dealing with the hard parts

OP posts:
Bepis · 19/12/2022 04:58

@hollyxbirnie I think maybe you telling him to do things is making him get his back up. He is an equal parent and all you can do is mention that she needs a bath but if he doesn't give her one, it's not the end of the world. It's not worth causing conflict between you both for your daughters sake.

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Whataretheodds · 19/12/2022 04:59

Given your update i wonder if he's not doing some things because you've asked him to do them.

If you drop her off and say 'she's not had her nails cut or had a bath this week' then he's a hero if he does it when you didn't.

Definitely you need to get a plaatic crate or bucket, put it in the shower and bathe her in that. It's not fair on her to leave her a week without a bath. It might also help with the pooing.

And if she loves getting her nails cut then it's fun and easy, not a battle, so I'd do that one yourself.

marcopront · 19/12/2022 05:01

And he should do them? I do them almost everyday why should he not have to?

I thought she hadn't had a shower for a wee?

marcopront · 19/12/2022 05:02

Week not wee

Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 05:06

Whataretheodds · 19/12/2022 04:59

Given your update i wonder if he's not doing some things because you've asked him to do them.

If you drop her off and say 'she's not had her nails cut or had a bath this week' then he's a hero if he does it when you didn't.

Definitely you need to get a plaatic crate or bucket, put it in the shower and bathe her in that. It's not fair on her to leave her a week without a bath. It might also help with the pooing.

And if she loves getting her nails cut then it's fun and easy, not a battle, so I'd do that one yourself.

Honestly that would not surprise me he acted like a hero after she pooed in her knickers like he did anything😂
Youre right I should not have left her but it was in no way malicious I genuinely believed it was for the best

OP posts:
Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 05:07

marcopront · 19/12/2022 05:01

And he should do them? I do them almost everyday why should he not have to?

I thought she hadn't had a shower for a wee?

I'm sorry I don't understand what you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 05:08

Bepis · 19/12/2022 04:58

@hollyxbirnie I think maybe you telling him to do things is making him get his back up. He is an equal parent and all you can do is mention that she needs a bath but if he doesn't give her one, it's not the end of the world. It's not worth causing conflict between you both for your daughters sake.

Yeh I think you're right but he won't do anything unless I force it but then sometimes he gets angry that I do,I can't win😂

OP posts:
Bepis · 19/12/2022 05:12

@hollyxbirnie I am assuming you have a fraught Co-parenting relationship? Is there a lot of conflict? I'm just wondering if he doesn't do it because you have specifically asked him to. So if you don't get on, he may deliberately not do it just to annoy you. Don't rise to the bait.

Fedupofdiets · 19/12/2022 05:13

You have said he is a narc, they like power. You are giving him power to not do the things you have asked him to do. Ask nothing of him, DD didnt have a bath - not a massive deal, nail cutting can wait surely? He is a shit Dad but you now that already, you need to grey rock then you cannot get upset when he is like he is.

Fedupofdiets · 19/12/2022 05:14

*know

marcopront · 19/12/2022 05:15

I'm sorry I don't understand what you mean?

You are asking him to bath her, wash her hair and cut her nails I.e the hygiene part of parenting.

You said you hadn't given her a shower for a week.
Later you said you do the hygiene part every day.

Which is it?

Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 05:20

marcopront · 19/12/2022 05:15

I'm sorry I don't understand what you mean?

You are asking him to bath her, wash her hair and cut her nails I.e the hygiene part of parenting.

You said you hadn't given her a shower for a week.
Later you said you do the hygiene part every day.

Which is it?

I didnt give her a shower because she was really sick and didn't need the stress in my opinion. If she isn't ill I do look after her hygiene daily

OP posts:
Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 05:21

Fedupofdiets · 19/12/2022 05:13

You have said he is a narc, they like power. You are giving him power to not do the things you have asked him to do. Ask nothing of him, DD didnt have a bath - not a massive deal, nail cutting can wait surely? He is a shit Dad but you now that already, you need to grey rock then you cannot get upset when he is like he is.

I completely understand what you mean but is hard to let him get away with nothing because he is selfish

OP posts:
Original poster
hollyxbirnie · 19/12/2022 05:27

Bepis · 19/12/2022 05:12

@hollyxbirnie I am assuming you have a fraught Co-parenting relationship? Is there a lot of conflict? I'm just wondering if he doesn't do it because you have specifically asked him to. So if you don't get on, he may deliberately not do it just to annoy you. Don't rise to the bait.

There is a lot of conflict at the moment he seems to not take any kind of criticism which as a parent j feel you need to

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 19/12/2022 05:51

Is there any thought of the child all this, yes this is being blunt but I hope you child does not know of anything of this childish point scoring,

If he is being genuinely neglectful contact the appropriate services if not what is more important your child or 'he is not doing what I demand'

Bepis · 19/12/2022 06:06

WandaWonder · 19/12/2022 05:51

Is there any thought of the child all this, yes this is being blunt but I hope you child does not know of anything of this childish point scoring,

If he is being genuinely neglectful contact the appropriate services if not what is more important your child or 'he is not doing what I demand'

And I can say from experience that children's services will not be interested in this. It might be one of those little irks that the OP has to live with. As long as he's not harming the child.

Keepitrealnomists · 19/12/2022 06:16

I am in disbelief reading this thread and it makes me sad a poor child is stuck in the middle. Yes he should have done those things but you should not have left your child for a week without a shower 🙄 my 2 year old hated the shower, did I still shower him... Of course I did. Everything you do for your child is what parents should do. He is no parent, expect nothing, stop telling him what to do, leave him to it and look after your child when she's in your care. If he's neglectful of your child when she's in his care then you go to court, with evidence for contact to be reviewed to either supervised or not at all. Poor kid!

RedHelenB · 19/12/2022 07:00

You are in the wrong to not bother to wash dd for a week then demand he does it. Also, elf lives in your house you don't get to dictate it comes to his. Let him parent his way and you parent yours, he's an ex. Yabu.

EVHead · 19/12/2022 07:11

How would you feel if he dropped her at yours with a list of things he wants you to do for her?

You're not the senior parent.

Don’t ask him to do things. Give him important information like “She’s had a cold but she’s on the mend”, or “She’s really gone off bananas”, but beyond that it’s up to him to do things his way.

How does it feel when he criticises your parenting?

PritiPatelsMaker · 19/12/2022 07:34

If she's two, can you not bath her in the kitchen sink?

LolaSmiles · 19/12/2022 07:41

If he was a decent dad before the split, why does he need a list of childcare jobs given to him?

It sounds like you're trying to dictate what he does at his house by telling him what to do/he needs the elf etc, and he's scoring points by not doing the things you've told him to.

Poor child in the middle has two parents who, for whatever their individual reason is, seem to think the child's hygiene comes second.

RewildingAmbridge · 19/12/2022 07:52

You make sure she's washed, hair washed, nails cut at your home. Stop telling him what to do and he'll likely do the things that need doing, sounds like he's digging his heels in because you are trying to dictate how and what he does with her. Of she goes to his house with clean brushed hair, it doesn't get matted in two days either. You were very very unreasonable not to wash a child for a week, who had been vomiting and poorly. Poor girl she must've felt dreadful.

RewildingAmbridge · 19/12/2022 07:52

Fuck the elf

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