Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

11yo son is complete arse and I am fed up of him. Constructive suggestions please

102 replies

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 12/12/2022 09:11

DS1 is 11.5 and a bit of a dickhead. He routinely insults me (mostly me), his dad and brother, calls us names, insists we're awful, overstrict, hideous parents etc. I find this very difficult to cope with and it doesn't help that DH thinks I should be able to just ignore it. I'm not going to just ignore being called a fat biatch, am I 🙄

Advice please, kind Mumsnetters. How to deal with this in a way that a) doesn't escalate the situation to confiscation of phones but b) doesn't let him get away with being a twat?

I can't just look back at what my own parents did because they (well, my mother) tended towards smacking heads into walls and so I never said boo to her. I don't want to go that way with my own kids but he is making it very difficult to keep my composure on am hourly basis....

Help!

OP posts:
Cornelious · 12/12/2022 09:56

The problem is you and dh are not on the same page in terms of parenting. Ds thinks/ knows he can get away with it. Taking away tangible things isn't helping. He needs his dad to step up and for you both to get on the same page. My dh would not tolerate my dc calling his wife a fat bitch. If there's never been consistent boundaries in the home it can be very difficult to put them in place at this age. Maybe speak to school and see if there are any parenting courses you can attend.

CatJumperTwat · 12/12/2022 10:02

Your husband is obviously the problem, undermining you and not bothering to be a parent. It's a shame you're directing so much anger and spite at the 11-year-old and not the adult who's taught him to be like this.

ivykaty44 · 12/12/2022 10:05

did break it down into small chunks

Here you can have your phone for e very hour you don't use insulting names, so changing to rewarding rather than punishing - see if it works on a positive spin rather than the negative spin

each time he uses insults, don't knee jerk. Have a script that you use, but mainly ask him why and what will it achieve? the same words spoken calmly and then state came and talk to me and tell me how it makes you feel when you do this and how do you think it makes other feel.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds Families General parenting
Original poster
IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 12/12/2022 10:08

Here you can have your phone for e very hour you don't use insulting names, so changing to rewarding rather than punishing - see if it works on a positive spin rather than the negative spin

Oh, I like that idea. Thank you, I will try it!

OP posts:
latetothefisting · 12/12/2022 10:08

Dh seems to be the problem.
I can't believe he lets his kid get away with calling his mother a fat bitch.

I can see the rationale that he shouldn't support a punishment he disagrees with but then if he doesn't seem to think ds should ever be punished at all you are going to struggle. What does he actually say when you discuss ds's behaviour? Does he agree its OK? If not what does he think you should (both!) do to address it.

I suppose the only thing you could do is go down the natural consequences route rather than punishment so don't take ds's things away but don't do more than is needed. E.g. if you usually go somewhere for a Christmas treat "why would I want to go somewhere with someone who calls me a fat bitch?", same if he asks for lifts, money, you to make his favourite food etc. Just refuse. As he grows up people aren't going to do nice things for him/want to spend time with him if he's horrible to them so you're doing him a favour.

Personally I'd be really cutting back on Christmas presents, again not as a punishment but as a reflection - teaching him being horrible gets rewarded isn't a great life lesson.

cherriegarcia · 12/12/2022 10:09

You can only start to address this once your DH is on the same page as you.

You need to start with him, not your son.

Children are the product of their upbringing and environment.

SafferUpNorth · 12/12/2022 10:12

Fellow parent of a similar age boy here.

Firstly, it doesn't help that you're thinking of him as a dickhead and an arse, swearing about him. He's getting this behaviour from somewhere - sounds like insulting one another might be normal in your house, in which case it's no surprise he's giving as good as he gets. You and your DH need to examine your own attitude and language carefully.

Also, is he spending a lot of time online? On games chats and social media? It's pretty toxic out there.

Agree that confiscating phone / removing online time is a good incentive.

mumonthehill · 12/12/2022 10:21

You need to be on the same page as your DH, you need to stay calm, you need to be consistent, you need to pick your battles, you need to count to 10 before you react. Not easy in practice!

MsRosley · 12/12/2022 10:25

You need to get heavy with your DH first. He's actually condoning borderline abusive behaviour and teaching his son it's okay to behave like that towards women.

In general I would 'down tools' on both of them until they behave better. No favours, no treats, no fun times till the pair of them treat you with a bit of respect.

Original poster
IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 12/12/2022 10:27

mumonthehill · 12/12/2022 10:21

You need to be on the same page as your DH, you need to stay calm, you need to be consistent, you need to pick your battles, you need to count to 10 before you react. Not easy in practice!

I may frame this comment and hang it in front of my desk as a useful reminder 😂

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 12/12/2022 10:30

cherriegarcia · 12/12/2022 10:09

You can only start to address this once your DH is on the same page as you.

You need to start with him, not your son.

Children are the product of their upbringing and environment.

It's this! You are married to a man who thinks it's ok for you to be called a fat bitch. Until you fix your massive dh problem (and it's a very serious problem) then your ds will just get worse and worse. Your dh is failing his son and failing you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/12/2022 10:30

TheFeistyFeminist · 12/12/2022 09:24

I'd be sitting down with him in a quiet moment (not in the heat of it happening) and asking him about how he likes to be spoken to, by friends, teachers, parents etc. Talk about respect, talk about how over the years lots of jokes have been at the expense of a person, a group: blonde jokes, mother in law jokes, Irish jokes etc. How it might seem when saying it versus how it gets received.

Then I'd talk about how people have to muddle along together when they live in the same house, and your expectations of how that needs to be from this point on.

Then I'd remind him that you expect a certain standard of behaviour from him, and what the consequences will be for future infractions.

My child knows this as the "with rights come responsibilities" conversation.

Above is really good advice.
I'd also add... take him out to a cafe, on his own buy him a cake and hot chocolate and just try to talk to him like he's an adult about stuff like what he's looking forward to about Christmas etc what he likes on TV or favourite game etc.

Because part of him not hearing you is that he's probably (rightly) being told off all the time for his behaviour - so it has less effect. And he's (unfairly) feeling that telling off is the only dialogue he has with you.

And then get onto the disrespect stuff. But also listen to him. Ask him for real opinions. Tell him how hurtful it is. Calmly. Don't get side tracked by him being angry... keep going with the calm stating of the facts about his behaviour. Ask him is that how he wants family life to be.. that sort of thing. Do people call him names? how does he feel about that?
It might feel annoying to go through this approach when he's being a brat, but it will make an impact on him and it will be talking to him as a more grown-up person and less of a child.

After that, you have to talk to your DH ( almost in the same way LOL) about not chipping in and undermining you, and as people have said, backing you up with a calm... don't talk to your DM like that. No name calling... what is your real problem, say it like an adult etc.
It's not easy and may need several repetitions before it takes effect But it's worth a shot.

RedToothBrush · 12/12/2022 10:32

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 12/12/2022 09:17

I do routinely confiscate his phone/PC router, it doesn't seem to make much difference.

DH was raised with zero boundaries so views any consequence at all as dangerously authoritarian 🙄

And there is your issue.

You aren't in the same page as your Dh. And your Dh sees it as not a big deal.

So your son is getting inconsistent messages that it's not that big a deal. And your husband is backing up that view.

Punishment is appropriate if he is being that disrespectful.

Bonheurdupasse · 12/12/2022 10:32

foodtoorder · 12/12/2022 09:40

I find it really shocking that there isn't consequences to doing it already.
It is totally unacceptable to be called names by a child. 11.5 year old with a phone is a while other issue.

I would have blown up long ago if this has been happening for some time and telling him exactly why it is totally unacceptable to speak to people like that.
All tech, screens, clubs and anything a privilege would be gone until he can consistently show respect.
I'd also threaten to tell teachers- sounds petty but most kids don't like the thought of being seen to misbehave by someone of authority like that.
Also speak openly about it to other people "DS isn't having/doing XYZ at the moment because he has said XYZ" - name and shame him because that is what he is doing to you and it won't be liked.
Some might think it's a bit mean but being called a fat bitch by own child needs consequences.

This OP.

You need to be open about it, explicitly, with as many people as possible.

Misogynistic insults need to be shamed.

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 12/12/2022 10:33

Stop calling him a dickhead, he's your child.

He's not even a teenager yet.

Remove all privileges and he has to earn them back and NEVER make comments calling you or anyone else nasty names. You need to act now, otherwise you're in for a really nasty teenage few years and worse. This is the age where he needs to be shaped into a good teenager and adult.

Cuppasoupmonster · 12/12/2022 10:36

I’ll be slaughtered for saying this. But this is the type of scenario where the dad used to step in and teach his son a bit of respect in a ‘firm’ way shall we say. Shame that doesn’t happen now 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 12/12/2022 10:39

Re the names: basically I am incredibly frustrated and feeling like I am not allowed to be honest about how upset I am. I shouldn't swear at him (and try not to), and can't swear about him in RL (because scolding), and am now being told I can't say things like that here. I'll just end up screaming them in my head, loudly, which arguably won't make anything better. So please take it on faith that I understand the swearing upsets Mumsnetters, but please let me say here at least what I am feeling.

OP posts:
toastofthetown · 12/12/2022 10:39

Is family therapy an option here? Your son is calling you a fat bitch, your husband thinks that’s fine, and you’re calling your son a dickhead and a twat. Your family don’t seem to be able to calmly discuss and deescalate on your own, so having a third party mediating and guiding you through the discussions. I don’t think that going nuclear and removing all his privileges will help, as he’ll just be more angry and bored, it won’t deal with the root cause of his behaviour, and it’s likely that your husband will just undermine you again anyway.

toastofthetown · 12/12/2022 10:40

Cuppasoupmonster · 12/12/2022 10:36

I’ll be slaughtered for saying this. But this is the type of scenario where the dad used to step in and teach his son a bit of respect in a ‘firm’ way shall we say. Shame that doesn’t happen now 🤷🏼‍♀️

Is that ‘firm way’ a euphemism for assault?

Original poster
IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 12/12/2022 10:42

You're telling me not to swear, but I am swearing because of how I am feeling. So essentially you're telling me 'Well don't feel like that'. I too would very much like to not feel like this, and appreciate the constructive suggestions made. But the feelings are not going to evaporate immediately.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 12/12/2022 10:42

No necessarily, but a bit of shouting and reminding him who’s boss. A hot chocolate and snuggle with an 11 year old boy will not work. Kids are just arseholes sometimes. There’s not always a deep or meaningful reason behind it.

Original poster
IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 12/12/2022 10:43

toastofthetown · 12/12/2022 10:39

Is family therapy an option here? Your son is calling you a fat bitch, your husband thinks that’s fine, and you’re calling your son a dickhead and a twat. Your family don’t seem to be able to calmly discuss and deescalate on your own, so having a third party mediating and guiding you through the discussions. I don’t think that going nuclear and removing all his privileges will help, as he’ll just be more angry and bored, it won’t deal with the root cause of his behaviour, and it’s likely that your husband will just undermine you again anyway.

I think it's a good idea but DH wouldn't be keen as he sees it as all my issue.....

OP posts:
onmywayamarillo · 12/12/2022 10:46

This worked with my son at that age

How would you like it if I said that to you? And repeat back to him what he said to you as if you are saying it to him.

Then you say ' horrible isn't it?'

Then walk away or change the subject.

Or

'Is that how you speak to yourself inside your head?' Don't tell yourself you are ' blah blah blah' it's not good for your self esteem.

I used to turn it around on him and it made him think a bit and not be quite so horrible.

CatJumperTwat · 12/12/2022 10:53

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 12/12/2022 10:42

You're telling me not to swear, but I am swearing because of how I am feeling. So essentially you're telling me 'Well don't feel like that'. I too would very much like to not feel like this, and appreciate the constructive suggestions made. But the feelings are not going to evaporate immediately.

But your feelings are completely misplaced. Where's the anger towards your dickhead husband?

Believeitornot · 12/12/2022 11:01

The thing is, parenting is a long game. It’s unrealistic to expect that a few chats will make the difference in terms of your DS’s behaviour. It won’t, it’s a slog, and you have to hold firm.

swearing in your head is not a good idea because it will come out. Better to try and imagine a better response and then eventually it will come.

I would try reading parenting books and see if you can improve your responses. Your boy is only 11, and you have to model how to behave before you can expect him to improve. It’s a very long game here.

And yes, not reacting will eventually pay dividends. Not reacting for a handful of times and then reacting undos all of it, sadly!

It is very difficult - I know. This weekend I had a shocker and lost my temper with the kids which helped no one. I was the child in that situation.