Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

MIL put dd's life in danger, she thinks it's funny

103 replies

sarsums · 31/01/2008 20:20

Hi, I'd really appreciate some opinions on this. Am I over reacting??

My MIL looks after my 1 year old daughter every Thursday. Today she and grandad took her out in their van (he's a builder) without a car seat. MIL held her in the front seat. She knew that I wouldn't be happy with this as she 'let it slip' to me that they did this, and had a joke with dd that they "weren't going to tell mummy".
At the time I was cross in my head, but I'm a total wimp and didn't say anything. Now I'm upset and fuming.
I think it shows complete lack of respect for me, and a lack of responsibility with my daughter's life. What would you do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

whomovedmychocolate · 31/01/2008 20:49

The going to heaven together bit is very sickmaking isn't it

I would have vomited on her foot if she'd have said that to me. Then poked her in the eye for good measure.

Caught DD playing with pills from my MiLs bag a few weeks ago "oh it's okay, she won't get them out the blister packs'

It's so tough though isn't it - working out if it's better to go with family or professionals for childcare. I feel for you.

McDreamy · 31/01/2008 20:49

Haven't read the whole thread but have read the op and I would be fuming!! This is not something t hide from mummy - snigger, this is something very serious. I would have to have it out with them. No car seat no travel, as simple as that.

WanderingTrolley · 31/01/2008 20:51

Oh Jesus.

I clicked on this thinking it would be someone apoplectic with rage because Granny had given her teenager a jelly tot.

If you were paying me to look after your dd and I did this, you would have every reason to sack me, report me to any relevant professional body and the police. And so you should.

And your dd won't catch a cold from being cold a wet. It's a virus. Your MIL didn't want to walk, nothing to do with your dd - what would a 1 year want from a coffee shop?

Unless you actually shove the woman through a windscreen to get your point across, you are not overreacting.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Janni · 31/01/2008 20:53

Perhaps you and DP could have a serious meeting with them about this and other issues. It shouldn't all be on your shoulders. Presuming that DH is on your side??

Habbibu · 31/01/2008 20:53

Oh God - the heaven thing is horrible, just horrible.

cadelaide · 31/01/2008 20:56

But do you want her to continue to look after your dd, and do you want to have a good relationship with her?
Cos if you do, you need to communicate effectively and not be too confrontational. This threads getting a bit hysterical I think.
Oh, and why no car seat in the van? Does it only have 2 seats?

cadelaide · 31/01/2008 21:00

Tell her the "lack of respect" thing that you said in op, tell her you feel let down.

viggoswife · 31/01/2008 21:01

My DH also thinks I overreact but he would be livid with his parents if they did something like this and I am sorry but if my MIL said something like the heaven thing to me about one of my DC I would have to seriously question her sanity. I would not be leaving my child with her again.

My DH went on and on and on to PIL about hot drinks being around the house when DS was smaller but no one took any notice until DS actually pulled one down on himself. Thank God it had been made a while so wasnt too hot but it went all over his face and shoulders and chest and he did go red with a slight burn after it. I think with PIL that they think if nothing happened with their kids then it is never going to, which is just ridiculous. FIL advice about drinks even now is to "put them on the floor" so they cant do so much damage - would only be a burned foot" like that is acceptable.

Show your DH these posts if he isnt suitably outraged by this.

AitchTwoOh · 31/01/2008 21:02

edam · 31/01/2008 21:05

OMG that windscreen comment is setting off major alarm bells. She's not entirely in touch with reality, is she?

So presumably this means she doesn't bother wearing a seatbelt either. Probably been breaking the law for the best part of 25ish years now.

I really, really, wouldn't leave dd alone with her again. There's no way she's going to see sense on this issue - she will just do the same thing again behind your back.

rookiemater · 31/01/2008 21:05

Oh dear god, the older generation and car seats, siggghhhh. I'm sure most of them feel they are a ridiculous affectation which we personally designed to make them feel clueless when looking after GCs.

I'm with Madamez, yes its unfortunate it happened but a journey without a car seat is not the worst thing in the world to have happened, and I'm sure she genuinely did not think she was putting her gcs life in danger.Plus it seems she did feel guilty about it, hence her blabbing and the strange comment about heaven.

However it is her attitude that would worry me. If at the age of 1 she is encouraging your DD to have secrets what is she going to be like when your DD can actually talk. I'd be having a serious discussion about your DDs welfare, then if you are not happy with the results be paying for professional childcare.

Tommy · 31/01/2008 21:09

the heaven thing is definitely weird and worrying.
the "let's not tell Mummy" would really piss me off actually

You (or your DH preferably)will have to talk to them about it

I had to explain several times to my FIL who told me he was going to leave DS1 in the car while he nipped in somewhere that he would definitely not be - it was uncomfortable but I'm vey glad I did it.

viggoswife · 31/01/2008 21:10

Yes the secrets thing is appalling and also if she talks about the heaven thing like that to you, what sort of thing would she be saying to your daughter. How is her mind working?

missingtheaction · 31/01/2008 21:20

of course you have to tell MIL that it is not ok for her to take DD out like this without a car seat, but you are in danger of seriously alienating her by coming across as a bit hysterical and ott and disrespectful yourself. Presumably you want dd to be with MIL for the day, eitehr so you can work or so you can get a life, and so DD can get the benefit of the love they offer and experiencing life from a slightly different angle.

they clearly adore dd, but are just paranoid about different things like rookiemater says. if you can present it to them that being without a car seat is something that gives you the serious heeby-jeebies (just like lumpy food for them) and that you would hate to have to ask them not to take her out in the car in the future...offer to buy a car seat, make a joke of it, and check up in the future - then you might be able to maintain the relationship. We've all been there, but to be honest your strength of emotion means you are giving the impression of being unreasonably po-faced and over the top and self-righteous at the moment.

Original poster

sarsums · 31/01/2008 21:21

I'm generally a calm and rational person, so definately won't lose the plot with MIL when I see her next time. I'm going to say that I will buy them a child seat and for them to PLEASE use it, and that I understand that they don't think it's important, but I do, so please can they respect that.

OP posts:

cadelaide · 31/01/2008 21:24

Sounds good to me sarsums.
Good luck.

Original poster

sarsums · 31/01/2008 21:32

Thanks missingtheaction, I agree 100% with what you said, right up to when you said I'm unreasonably po-faced and over the top and self-righteous. Mmmmmmmm, feel I have to defend myself by saying that I just want dd to be safe and I am certainly not going to get hysterical about it. Will be taking your advice about keeping it light hearted and non-confrontational.

OP posts:

cushioncover · 31/01/2008 21:35

Think how po-faced she'd be standing over her daughter's coffin.

Oh, wait, it would be ok because MIL would be 'in heaven with her'!

ivykaty44 · 31/01/2008 21:38

Does she want points on her driving licence, a prison sentance for killing her grandchild, I do wonder whether she will be laughing then?

It is three points on a driving licence for good reason.

www.theaa.com/public_affairs/reports/loose_in_the_car.pdf

I would print the above out and hand it to your MIL, then ask her never to laugh at her stupidity.

Test 5 is the really relevant test for MIL to take notice.

slinkiemalinki · 31/01/2008 21:39

Would make me absolutely rantingly furious . And it is possible to leave the house without a car seat - you bloody well walk. I wouldn't be happy leaving a car seat without supervising the fitting. Every single time one of my rellies has done it, with the best will in the world, they have got it wrong. And the heaven comment is very disturbing but I guess she was embarrassed or something and trying to cover up. Poor sarsums.

Saturn74 · 31/01/2008 21:41

Find alternative childcare.
Your poor DD.

elkiedee · 31/01/2008 21:58

I wouldn't want to leave a baby with any family members so irresponsible. As for the coffee shop, I don't drive so we walk lots of places - in wet weather my 9 month old is completely protected by the raincover over his buggy as well as a coat chosen to protect from cold and damp, it's only me that's likely to get soaked.

WestCountryLass · 31/01/2008 21:58

I would go mental!

LittleMissBliss · 31/01/2008 22:00

heaven comment.........I would be very cross if anyone did this with my ds.

yummylittlelapin · 31/01/2008 22:03

Ridiculous behaviour, and that Heaven comment would have freaked me out. She would not be looking after my child again any time soon. YANBU at all

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread