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Original poster

MIL put dd's life in danger, she thinks it's funny

103 replies

sarsums · 31/01/2008 20:20

Hi, I'd really appreciate some opinions on this. Am I over reacting??

My MIL looks after my 1 year old daughter every Thursday. Today she and grandad took her out in their van (he's a builder) without a car seat. MIL held her in the front seat. She knew that I wouldn't be happy with this as she 'let it slip' to me that they did this, and had a joke with dd that they "weren't going to tell mummy".
At the time I was cross in my head, but I'm a total wimp and didn't say anything. Now I'm upset and fuming.
I think it shows complete lack of respect for me, and a lack of responsibility with my daughter's life. What would you do?

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Divastrop · 31/01/2008 20:30

i thought it was the law that a child under a certain height has to be in a car seat full stop now,with taxis being the only exception?

anyway,i agree with everybody else,i wouldnt let her look after her again.whats your dh's feelings on the subject?

LIZS · 31/01/2008 20:30

But madamnez most accidents happen within 3 miles of home, to vehicles where the driver believes they are perfectly safe forgetting that other road users are not predictable and accidents happen even on familiar territory. Complacency and over confidence is a very dangerous thing.

I'd be livid, sarsums. No way would they have my child unsupervised again.

whomovedmychocolate · 31/01/2008 20:31

What does your DH make of this pathetic stunt?

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Habbibu · 31/01/2008 20:31

No, madamez, it's not, but if you're looking after someone else's child it's your responsibility to be as safe as you can. And it's not as if the child was in the back seat with an adult seatbelt - she was in the front, on the MILs lap. Had there been an accident, then the child would have been the most likely to be injured/killed. Yes, we judge and assess risks and take some, but a car journey will always have some inherent risks (which we accept by travelling in them) - adding to that unnecessarily is stupid. It's not like it was a sudden emergency.

Habbibu · 31/01/2008 20:32

"She keeps insisting she did it with her other grand children, and they survived." I really hate that - I mean, you could spend your whole life running out in front of cars and be the lucky person that survived. It doesn't make it safe!

Quattrocento · 31/01/2008 20:32

Seriously, do you really think that you should allow her to take care of your child unsupervised again.

Divastrop · 31/01/2008 20:35

there are alot more cars on the road now than there were 2 generations ago.i think car seats were invented for a reason?

Cocobear · 31/01/2008 20:35

I'd be furious. Grandparents sometimes think of carseats as optional extras, because they simply weren't an issue for their children. Some take a lot more education to see the f*ing obvious than others. I'm more worried that she seems to think it's fun to undermine you, even on basic safety issues. I mean, Ha Ha let's have an ice cream and not tell mommy is just grandparent bonding. But to do it on something like this is really wrong. Does she have a history of doing stuff like this, or is it only the carseat?

cushioncover · 31/01/2008 20:35

I'd be incandescent with rage, TBH!

Madamez, this really is not the thread to flaunt your, 'you silly women are getting uptight over nothing' attitude.

madamez · 31/01/2008 20:36

Exactly how did the Government come up with the figure of 60000000 lives saved due to enforced seatbelt wearing? WOudl it possibly be the same way as they came up with the 'safe' drinking limits ie by completely making it up? Because I really cannot see what experiments you could do to 'prove' something like that.
But if you are that set on the use of a car seat, why are you not providing one when you hand over your DD to someone else for the day?

whomovedmychocolate · 31/01/2008 20:38

Actually Madamez if you look at the ROSPA figures on percentage of children killed in car crashes since the introduction of seatbelts and before - despite the increase in car traffic, you'd see you are wrong on that front.

hairtwiddler · 31/01/2008 20:38

Yup, would be furious. She doesn't have the right to take decisions like that without consultation with you. Be very annoyed, and let her know it.

NoNickname · 31/01/2008 20:39

ILs thought it was nothing when their dog bit my 18 month ds. Continued to say it was OK, no harm done and "Look, Dog likes ds; he's OK with him now".

They have never had ds since. Their loss, not mine. Ds is too precious to me to risk their assumptions that their dog won't do it again.

cadelaide · 31/01/2008 20:40

You know Sarsums, it may be more effective to try and explain how important it is to you and how upset you are, rather than going in guns blazing (although I understand your anger).

FrannyandZooey · 31/01/2008 20:40

I don't think this is an issue of whether the car seat laws are all they are cracked up to be (I think you usually have some good points on that madamez, but this is a different argument)

it is that she is happy to go against your wishes for your dd and deceive you about something that she knew was important to you

oh and break the law

quint · 31/01/2008 20:40

Is the woman stupid - there is a reason that it is against the law to do this!

I would be absolutely furious with her, she obviously knows your feelings about car seats as she told your DD to not tell mummy, which would have made me even madder.

I think you did the right thing by not saying anything at the time, you now know from the responses on here that you didn;t overreact and hopefully you will be able to stay calm and firm when you talk to her.

I agree with whatever someone else said - if she apologies immediatley and promises to never let it happen again, consider let her caring for your DD again, however if she gets defensive and tries to make you out to be a neurotic overprotective mother I wouldn't leave DD alone with her again.

What does your DH say about it all

Original poster

sarsums · 31/01/2008 20:43

Thanks everyone for your replies. PIL are definately from the generation when car seats were rarely used. They really do care about dd alot, but weirdly on some things they are over-protective (eg. very worried about choking on lumpy/finger foods, wrapping her up like the Michelin man when it's plainly not cold outside)and on others (eg. the child seat issue, smoke alarm) they think they aren't important.
The trip in the van was to the coffee shop about 5 minutes away. MIL didn't want to walk because it was raining, and thought dd might get a cold (rather a cold than dead). What I also forgot to say was that MIL said that if they did have had an accident, they had have flown through the windscreen together and they would have looked after each other in heaven. My God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm actually shaking now thinking back to the whole conversation.
DP is away until Monday for work. Not had the chance to discuss with him yet. He generally thinks I over react, but will read hom some of your responses if necessary.

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 31/01/2008 20:43

i'd feel sick about that, tbh. it's the shitey 'oh mine all survived' bit i couldn't stand. so disrespectful of your role as the child's parent.

BITCAT · 31/01/2008 20:43

I would definately have it out with her and tell her how angry you are that she put her granddaughters life in danger and i wonder what she would have done had the police pulled them over, she wouldn't have been laughing about it then and i would remind her that it is illegal and shes breaking the law!!

madamez · 31/01/2008 20:44

OK, so issue of car seat laws aside - was this ever discussed with the GPs? Or is it just expected that they will never leave the house with your DD? Because if it's that big a deal to you, you should make sure that they have access to a car seat when they are looking after her, surely.

FrannyandZooey · 31/01/2008 20:45

do you not think it is to be expected that people will follow the law where child safety is concerned though madamez? unless they have agreed it between themselves "oh that is not something we are fussed about"

Divastrop · 31/01/2008 20:46

'...had have flown through the windscreen together and they would have looked after each other in heaven'

erm,i think the woman is maybe a tad unstable and nto capable of looking after children.

cushioncover · 31/01/2008 20:46

Dear God, she actually said that?

berolina · 31/01/2008 20:47

at heaven comment. That is slightly freakish, tbh.

Am absolutely with you wrt being furious, and would almost certainly not be sending her there again. The sheer disrespect is a big issue, along with the risk to your dd. I do see madamez's point, though, tbh - if they don't have a car seat, could you get them one and insist in the strongest possible terms on it being used?

MakemineaGandT · 31/01/2008 20:48

Good grief. I would be livid. I have never raised any issue with my MIL as I hate confrontation, but bloody hell - I would raise this one.

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