Leaving 3 year old unsupervised

[Wordsoup]

I have a very sensible 3.5 year old and a very very fussy baby who will not feed (breastfeed or even take a bottle) if there is the slightest distraction or noise in the room. Believe me I’ve tried everything, different positions, blinds closed, tv off, white noise on, 3.5 yr old reading books being as quiet as possible, a distraction toy to distract baby, all of us going into a dark room together, waiting to see if baby really wants it, you know if baby is hungry enough baby will feed none of it works. She’s dehydrated herself before (didn’t have a wee for 5+ hrs and it was dark) and I ended up with clogged ducts from being engorged, tried to pump and give kn cup/ bottle etc and still no goddamn luck. Baby is 6 months, so just starting solids so milk is the primary source of nutrition. The slightest noise which obviously happens with a 3.5 year old and baby refuses and is clearly hungry as is just crying for it but can’t settle to feed with any distraction.

luckily dh wfh 90% of the time so can watch toddler in these occasion but sometimes he needs to go to the office. What on earth am I meant to do then?

only thing I can think of is take baby into her room, put toddler in their room (one is visible from the other) to feed baby in the dark, and set toddler up with sometbing on the iPad and her toys (already in her room) and keep an eye on her with her camera monitor. Is this utterly awful?!

no one that can come and watch her either
what would you do?

I think your solution sounds fine. She’ll be safe.

However, how on earth have you coped feeding your baby for six months like this? I’m guessing you can’t feed her out and about? You poor thing!!

Newborn was fine because they all are lol, but from about 4 months plus, it’s just progressively more and more difficult, lots of shushing and patting bums and timing it around being tired so will take to fall asleep or just woken up so super drowsy. But it makes things incredibly difficult and stressful, most feeding rooms as well are too loud. I normally have to find a bench as far away from people as possible or attempt to feed in the car, letting baby play with car keys, can manage 5 mins then, probably just enough to take the edge of thirst

I would get a discman type player with headphones and a lot of audiobook cds for your 3 year old...should buy you a bit of time!

She’s getting a tonie box for x mas so I’m hoping that will help too!

i just feel so fucking awful. She’s not complaining mind you, she doesn’t really get much screen time so it’s a massive win for her, but it feels so neglectful

I would not worry about this at all. I frequently let my toddler play in a separate room from me without supervision, and she's younger than yours. I think it's really important that they get accustomed to their own company!

At 3.5 most children are at a nursery sharing the attention of a few adults with many others. Most are relatively sensible and would let an adult know if there was an issue.

You're close by and I'm sure your toddler (though I don't think 3 yos are toddlers any more) would communicate so you'd know if they were upset or needed anything. There's no need to worry about them entertaining themselves independently for a period of time- they should be learning to do that. (By the way, I've worked in education all my adult life)

At that age both of mine would've been fine playing in a different room to me ( though I would have to put the tv on if I wanted to be sure of not being disturbed). The worst that ever happened was DD colouring her face ( she knew not to draw on walls etc).

Your solution sounds fine, you know your 3.5 will be safe and you are so close by. My DC at 3.5 was totally able to be left to play in their room for a bit, whilst I was nearby. It sounds really tough, as long as everyone is safe then do what you need to do to make it work.

That sounds absolutely fine to me, considering you have a video monitor even so that you can keep an eye on her. Not neglectful at all so please fine be so hard on yourself.

It doesn't sound much different to a child waking up early in the morning and playing in their room on their own for a while.

So sorry about the feeding issues with your baby. I had twins who were hard to feed at times so I know how much you worry about them not getting enough.

That's not really leaving her unattended, you'll be within earshot and can get to her in about 10 seconds if you need to. I used to sit my similar aged DS in front of cartoons while I put baby down for a nap, it's inevitable once you have to balance the needs on two DC.

My 3.5 year old (younger actually… under 3), I’d put in front of cbbc. Happy as Larry

She will be starting school in a few months!

My august born started 2 weeks after turned 4

Mine often goes off to another room to play by herself if I am busy cooking or cleaning or busy with a sibling. Sometimes upstairs to her bedroom.
Will your baby drink from a cup or bottle though? Im not sure I would persist in breastfeeding so much in these circumstances it sounds stressful for you.

In another room in the same house is not the same thing as unsupervised - you'd hear if he hurt or frightened himself. I think it's totally normal to leave them in a room by themselves on occasion at that age! Really surprised you feel so worried about it.

For context, I've left mine in separate rooms pretty much from birth if they are happy and chilling out there. By the time they are crawling, they have their own things they want to do, and I'm happy for them to be in another room within earshot. Everything is reasonably childproofed. My 1yo is much safer playing happily in the living room with toys (where I can hear, but not see him) than at my feet while I am cooking, if I'm opening the hot oven, loading the dishwasher with knives and glass, or he's having an obsession with the hob controls. He does sometimes play in the kitchen while I'm in there, but TBH I am happier with him elsewhere.

I genuinely thought, I’d get comments on neglect and being really bad. I’m clearly very hard on myself

It’s exactly the same, baby has cmpa and won’t drink the cmpa formula and bottle and cup,
exactly the same. Baby at best will feed 1 minute downstairs, at best, it’s like the light in the room is too much, but then dark room will have a good 15 minute feed it’s so stressful

Not sure about hard on yourself

more very much lacking in confidence about how to parent your children.

3.5 is potentially very close to starting school and I don’t even regard as toddler! If she can’t be left alone for a short period curled up watching cbbc then…

What do you imagine happening?

My 3.5 year old happily plays in other rooms by himself.

He'd be thrilled if I gave him some extra screen time, I wouldn't hear a peep from him.

It's fine, I wouldn't worry at all.

I had to do the same OP, after about 5 months DC3 couldn't sleep in the lounge ( toddlers are very noisy! ) so would set DC2 up with something to watch plus a back up activity and pop to put the baby down for a sleep

Well she’s 3 and 3 months, but close enough. She’s in toddler room and nursery and her paed refers to her as a toddler but guess it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

@Wordsoup

your 3 year old is not a toddler.

in another room is not unattended.

I'm sorry about the baby & feeding, it's a nightmare, but at least starting on solids will mean it's less worrying.

it's perfectly normal for 3 year olds to play in another room. It feels 'off' because you're doing it for the baby's benefit not DD's. But it's fine. Frankly I wouldn't be worried about screen time if it keeps her happy & quiet!!

but presumably she has other toys in there to play with too?

I'd just make sure it's a safe place (no blind cords, no ability to fall out the window, I'd put a stair gate on so she can't play in the bathroom/on the stairs etc) and you have the video monitor to keep an eye on her.

toilet trip first and a sippy cup/bottle of water and anything else to minimise her calling out to you.

3+ is a preschooler, she is going to school next year!

I leave my 3.5 year old alone to play in her bedroom, but try to avoid downstairs as much as possible as she can use her learning tower to get into things she shouldn’t (fine for a couple of mins, not for 10 mins for example). I’d be fine with it with a camera though.