I'm fuming

[Helena1993]

My dearrrrr husband is so useless it hurts. He's actually causing more household work than if he wouldn't live here. I do his laundry, clean up after him and everything. Now I asked him if he can take the baby for an hour a day so that I can at least breathe a little.
He said it depends on his work day. Is. He. Kidding. Me?

I also work all day. 24/7. I never really get a break where I can be sure that I won't be needed. His attitude pisses me off. He only takes the baby for the night once a month maybe?

He said it's much worse to get up at 2 or 4 am in the morning for work compared to being awake every 2 hrs in the night. (I let him have his solid 7-8hrs of sleep every night before work and he only has 3-4 night shifts) but he tells me he can't sleep before 10pm. Now how is that my problem?????

When he comes home he needs a break. Eats for 30mins to an hour and watching YouTube. Then naps or takes a bath for an hour. Does he think having a baby is a breeze?

I'm tired so so tired and exhausted. I have panic attacks and cry most days.
No family to help. No friends around. It's me. Always. And a very useless husband that could just as well be a pet. But pets at least don't argue.

Am I being irrational? I feel like he isn't pulling his weight

Nope, you're not being unreasonable. It sounds like you are working and on duty 24/7 and he has a normal work day and the rest is just doing his own thing.

If he's not willing to change anything and actually step up then sadly, you may well be better off without him. I wouldn't suggest you LTB but you do need to lay out the problem and what you expect.

I admit though that based on what you've written here, I'm not optimistic. It doesn't sound like he's just not understanding etc. It sounds like he genuinely does not see any household or childcare tasks as part of his responsibility and will be 100% uninterested in changing that. I'm sorry.

He's actually causing more household work than if he wouldn't live here

What more do you need to know than that? He’s happy to do nothing while watching you running yourself into the ground. Doesn’t sound like he even likes you.

Am I being irrational?

Only by staying with him.

It’s his problem and you’re not being unreasonable for fuming, but listen to your anger and let it guide you - anger always tells us our preferences are being violated, but it’s up to you to set out your preferences with others and hold to them. Stop enabling him and acting like his mother. Really, really listen to your feelings. Every time you resent doing something, don’t do it.

He just said I'm ruining the relationship because I'm bickering too much.. I think I may die of a heart attack from anger

He’s gaslighting you.

He can't go to sleep before 10pm but has a nap after work?
He's a lazy fucker isn't he.
Stop doing the things that allow him to just relax and chill in his spare time. Literally. Stop doing his laundry, stop cleaning up after him. Just look after yourself and the baby. If he asks why, you're too tired and stretched to do more.

He's a prince isn't he.
One practical solution is that he gets a new job where he's not working shifts. He can't check out so much then. Good luck!

The relationship is on its knees because he's doing nothing to help raise his own child and support his partner.

I've tried that and he just wears his old pants.....????? My life is a joke. I can't wait for childcare to save my sanity. But it won't be before April next year.

Being a single mum is so much easier than this.

Throw him back in and move on,

Is it?
He doesn't respect my bed time routine. My nap schedule. He's lazy and just skips stuff and ignores what I tell him. It takes me more energy to convince him to unload the dish washer than to do it myself.
He keeps telling me "in a minute" and a minute turns into 5 then 10 then he magically forgets what I asked him to do. It feels like having 2 kids at home and one of them being a sassy teenager.

Honestly let him sort himself out. If he wears dirty clothes and is a grot that's on him. I'd find this whole set up a real turn off which would really make me reconsider the relationship because he clearly doesn't care about you. I say this as someone on mat leave whose husband is far more helpful than your husband. You're meant to be a team not a lone ship.

How is your husband in comparison? I need to know

Your definitely not irrational
This is why I am staying single
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Maybe you could sit and talk together, air out your issues and tell him to buck up his ideas and that if he doesn't you cannot live like this
You need love and support end of

I honestly feel like being in a relationship with a man is like having another child even my mother feels like this

A friend who is a single mother by choice told me once that when she looked around her NCT group, filled with traditionally married couples, she very quickly realised that her life was easier than at least half of the women in her group because those women had to accommodate a useless man. Her point was that yes, she had to do all the work herself but she only had to look after her and the baby and she didn't have to discuss, negotiate or agree with anyone else on what to do nor did she have to do washing, cooking and cleaning for another adult.

It sounds like you are very firmly in the group of women whose lives would be easier without the man.

Although I warn you, from what you've said, he's also going to eb the type to resist paying his share when you separate. fight hard for any assets up front. And start sorting out benefits now - unless he's a high earner, you should be able to claim.

When I was on maternity leave, my DH did the late night feeds so I could go to sleep and then usually took over from about 6 am (earlier if it was a bad night). He'd keep DS while he got himself ready for work and wake me up with a cup of tea 15 minute before he left so I could drink it before I had to take DS back.

He doesn't cook but would do basic meal prep or reheating and if I did cook, tidied up etc and looked after DS while I did. He did half of bed times, often insisting I leave the house for a bit if DS was trying to be clingy to me (I spent a lot of time in my local supermarket superstore!). He made a point of getting home promptly to take the baby for at least half an hour so I could just sit quietly somewhere. He was kind and helpful and loving.

And it was STILL HARD.

Your DH is a total dick.

Leave him for 12 hours with the baby. He needs to understand how demanding looking after a small baby actually is. After he's had that shock he may be more empathetic. Sounds as if he doesn't have a clue.

What was he like before the baby?

My DH did absolutely everything at home when DD was born. I did baby (EBF) and laundry (as I like it and we did cloth nappies which I was precious about) and admin. He did all the shopping, housework, cooking, gardening, cars, DIY. He made sure I had all my meals and snacks, bathed baby and spent lots of time with her to give me a break.

But we were equal pre baby and having DD didn’t change things. I wouldn’t live with a man-child.

Only if your partner is like another child. A lot of men are fully formed adults who care about the mothers of their children and as invested in and engaged with those children as their partners. You can’t assume we’re all miserable and put upon?

I’m on mat leave. My husband does the cleaning and I do the cooking. He takes the kids to his mums for the day every couple of weeks so I have a day to myself to nap or whatever.
He pays for my hair apps because I’m on mat pay.
Of a night we just take turns to do the feeds, if our toddler wakes up because the baby is crying he’ll get into bed with her until she falls back asleep.
After work he usually takes the kids out for a walk to the park so I can get tea ready in peace.
We’re a team, and it works. However it’s still bloody hard. Your fella needs telling

Absolutely baffles me why women choose to put up with this shit from their husbands.

i agree with others that being a single parent is 1000 times easier than having a useless twat of a husband. I only wish I’d kicked him out way sooner!

I was a single parent for 5 years and it was far better than the 3 years of exhaustion, anger and general feelings of being let down by the other supposed adult/parent in the house.

I now have an amazing husband who does far more than his fair share

Your 'D'H needs to shape up or ship out and don't be afraid to tell him this.

I'm a SAHM and my husband does more than this.

When he was working in an office the first thing he'd do when he got home was take the kids. I'd go to the loo for 40 mins to decompress from the day. He said he had a 40 min commute to decompress from his.