I'm fuming

[Helena1993]

My dearrrrr husband is so useless it hurts. He's actually causing more household work than if he wouldn't live here. I do his laundry, clean up after him and everything. Now I asked him if he can take the baby for an hour a day so that I can at least breathe a little.
He said it depends on his work day. Is. He. Kidding. Me?

I also work all day. 24/7. I never really get a break where I can be sure that I won't be needed. His attitude pisses me off. He only takes the baby for the night once a month maybe?

He said it's much worse to get up at 2 or 4 am in the morning for work compared to being awake every 2 hrs in the night. (I let him have his solid 7-8hrs of sleep every night before work and he only has 3-4 night shifts) but he tells me he can't sleep before 10pm. Now how is that my problem?????

When he comes home he needs a break. Eats for 30mins to an hour and watching YouTube. Then naps or takes a bath for an hour. Does he think having a baby is a breeze?

I'm tired so so tired and exhausted. I have panic attacks and cry most days.
No family to help. No friends around. It's me. Always. And a very useless husband that could just as well be a pet. But pets at least don't argue.

Am I being irrational? I feel like he isn't pulling his weight

I left my ex when ds was 10 mnths old.. it was easier..

I think it would be for you too. He litterally us showing no care for you at all

I will tell you about my husband, from the second Ds was born he did everything he could. I breastfed, he would wind him and change him. Even in the middle of the night, even when he was working and I was on maternity. When we went through rough patches with the baby we would sleep shifts, so I would do any 10-2 and he would do any 2-6 because he is able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

When he came home from work he would take Ds off me, tell me to go and have a lovely break, would chat about his day to Ds even though he might have been 3 months old, he would go upstairs with Ds, get changed out of his work clothes, come downstairs and make me a cup of tea. None of this I need a break bullshit. On a Saturday morning Dh had a lie in, on a Sunday morning I had a lie in. We had 2 children, this lie in routine still happened until the children were old enough to get up themselves.

He did bath times, by himself, with me, or when I did the bath he would do a quick tidy up downstairs and then lay out Ds's night stuff. It is called parenting and being a partner. He also cooked and cleaned. The bar is set way too low, men can be and are amazing fathers. You just have one who prioritises himself over and above you and his child.

He is a pig. Leave him, honestly. It’s disgusting the way he treats you.

Wow he's vile. I'm very heartened by the posters posting about their lovely husbands, way to go Mumsnet women . I'm a single parent and have had so many mum friends run into the ground by awful husbands. Single parenting is tough but I'm so pleased I never had to face the resentment of having to skivvy for one of these. No, OP, you're not being irrational. Sounds like this won't get better

I would also be wondering what his childhood was like. What roles did his parents play? My Dh had a hands off Dad and a SAHM. But she raised him to look after himself, iron, do laundry, learn to cook, clean etc, have some pride in his appearance and hygiene. Dh was adamant he wanted to be a hands on Dad and he is. I have one son at uni and one in sixth form. Dh and our sons are very close because he made effort with them and they grew up feeling loved, not a burden.

Was he useful, capable, empathetic and helpful before?

We both work ft. Have 2 kids age 6 and 2.
dh is home before me and the kids, he hoovers - empties the washing machine which I put on on a morning and starts dinner. We get home at 5:30, he plays with the kids for half an hour while I sort the rest of dinner. We all eat together around 6/6:15. One of us does baths while the other clears down kitchen. We take 1 kid each at bedtime and both finally sit down together at 9pm. He does a lot more cleaning than I do.

Either looking after a baby is super easy, in which case it will cost him nothing to do so after work.

Or it's difficult in which case he would give you a break if he loved you.

He can't have it both ways.

You really don't need to put up with this I couldn't stand it. My husband does not act like this at all. I recently stayed at a spa weekend for my birthday got so many comments on how would my husband cope from other women with children. Spoiler alert he copes fine as he is also a parent.

Kick him out honestly it's hard enough without having a useless twat around.

Your DH is being a poor husband and an even worse parent. Why won't he support his wife? And more importantly, why doesn't he want to spend time with his baby?

By comparison OP, I was a SAHM. My DH works exceptionally long hours, leaves at 5.30 and gets in at 7.30. He took over all care of DS when he got in. Not because I needed it but because he missed his son and wanted to patent him. At the weekends he took the role of primary carer because he'd missed out on doing it during the week. Basically he wanted to be a parent.

You DH needs to shape up or ship out.

I don't have children of my own, but from other relationships around me I've seen, my own parents included, where the Mum is on Mat Leave and Dad is working full time, the common themes are:

• Mum does the night feeds while Dad sleeps
• Dad does the early morning feed that coincides closest to his own getting up for work. Often this means getting up 30-60 mins earlier than they would otherwise do, but at least it means Mum gets a bit of a longer sleep
• Dad gets in from work and takes baby over for a while - maybe bath and bed time, as it gives them bonding time with the baby too. Mum gets a break to either relax or get other stuff done.
• Dad shares chores either during the week (cleaning up the kitchen/cooking dinner, etc) and at the weekends (doing the laundry, hoovering, etc).

In other words, things are shared. Both parents' lives are "inconvenienced" compared to how they used to be, pre-baby. Why should it be any different? Just because Mum carries the baby and brings it in to this world, Dad still had a part in it too. Baby is a part of both of them.

The difficulties OP now faces is that baby isn't used to Dad doing things, so will likely scream and cry even if he tried. Dad will concede defeat without much effort, even if he agrees to try at all, because all the evidence shows that he's a lazy git.

OP's DP seems to think the baby shouldn't affect his life at all, as she's on Mat Leave, so has all the time in the world. Doesn't want to give any time to his own child because it eats in to his "me" time, whereas OP doesn't have any "me" time at all.

OP, please don't kid yourself that when you have childcare it'll be any different. You'll just have a second full time job and will be doing everything still. If you separate, you'll still have to do it all, but just without his mess and dirty laundry and you getting angry at him.

It's time to lay your cards on the table. Help out or get out.

This is pretty much what my husband is like too. I don't think mine is particularly special for doing so either, this is just what decent people do - help their partners! I didn't do any cooking or housework for months tbh, especially as I was having a hard time with breastfeeding.

Now my son is a bit older, I get most the housework done in the day. But as soon as my husband comes in from work, he's immediately asking what I'd like him to do - cook or take over with our son are usually the two options. He certainly doesn't come in and announce he needs a bloody break!

I will admit that my husband was rubbish with night times - he just really, really couldn't stay awake and I ended up feeling that I couldn't trust him to keep our son safe - might fall asleep holding him and then drop him, for example. He would try to insist on helping though to be fair to him, I really do think he did his best - he just needs a stupid amount of sleep, always has done even pre-baby.

Stop doing anything for him. So what if he's in dirty pants.

When I was ill a few years ago my partner did absolutely everything and kept the house running brilliantly plus looked after me. I didn't have to lift a finger.

Day to day, we share the load and are a partnership. This is what a healthy relationship looks like, not what you have. How was he before the baby?

Your dh is a lazy selfish mam child and you need to get rid.

In comparison, I'm on mat leave with my 3rd dc. I do the nights, her takes the baby been 5 and 6am so I can sleep, gets the big kids fed dressed and ready for the day including school lunches, makes me some weetabix and a cup of tea, only brings baby back if she needs a feed. I shower, get ready for the day and he does most nappy changes, all the laundry and house work (ive been sick with mastitis so particularly useless), school runs, dinner etc. He is literally holding the fort while i look after the tiny baby and recover. This is partnership, this is respect. I am absolutely grateful for all he does, and he is grateful for my broken nights and all the work I'm putting in with the baby .

Regrettably I think if you have a partner who is happy to see you miserable and knackered so their leisure time is protected, i'm not sure a laundry boycott is actually going to do much good. He knows what he's doing.

Agree with the others.

BIN HIM OFF

OK to answer your questions: he wasn't like this when I met him otherwise I'd have never married him. I always wanted a hands on partner.

This is so true!!

You answered it yourself when you said his presence in your life causes you more work. He's dead weight - get rid.

Your quite right, obviously I am speaking from experience. I should of put 'some' men :)
Unfortunately I do know now any in my circle like this, even the males in my family are the same

In that case, have you asked him why he's done a 180 degree character change?

Indeed. Did he want a baby?

He was actually the one who asked me if I want a baby!!!
Why he's done a character change? I don't know. Maybe he thought I can't run away now that I'm pregnant.
This baby stuff is so relentless. How can I get a break?

Hi OP,

My husband does an equal share of cooking and cleaning (we have different jobs which we have naturally taken on) despite me being on mat leave.

Baby wise, he wasn't brilliant when we first came home, but it was because he just didn't think/get it and was actually very apologetic once the penny dropped.

Having had a frank discussion he totally stepped up When he gets in, he'll help with cooking/feeding baby. Post meals, he will do the majority of bathtimes whilst I clean up (baby is learning to eat so it takes a while!). He helps with feeds (bottle fed). Will stay up late when needed, for example when baby had bad reflux and had to be monitored post feeds he'd stay awake until 2am (despite having work the next day) and I'd then take over. He doesn't bat an eyelid if I want to go to see friends without baby (I don't do this often), just sends cute updates/videos.

What he isn't great at is organising leaving the house if we're going away/out for the day as I "know what we need" so I've prepared a checklist! I'll be going back to work soon (full time) so I've wanted to start as we mean to go on. Basically, we're a team. A few days ago, he asked whether he was doing enough and whether I needed him to help more.

Your husband is really being very unfair to you. You've explained you need help and rather than stepping up he is being cruel and knowingly forcing you to run yourself into the ground. In your shoes I'd be very disappointed and angry as you shouldn't have to coax him to help you with his own child.

You get a break by leaving the lazy fucker. Trust me, it's so much easier when you're not looking after a baby AND a man child who disrupts all routines etc. you also don't spend all day and night fuming and resenting someone. You actually spend your time being calm and happy. Plus when you do get childcare or a babysitter you can go out with people who love and respect you. Not your arse hold of a dh