I would only have a child if we became millionaires

[bananafoams]

I've never been a particularly maternal person and have never wanted children, but now I'm getting a bit older (34, husband is 42) it's a topic that is on my mind a lot.
I know that time is ticking away, and so I want to make sure that not having children is the correct path for us and everything is definitely stacked towards not becoming parents - including the fact that we love our freedom and disposable money.
I have to say though the one thing that would possibly persuade me is if we became millionaires as then we could afford a nanny and other things that would mean we could still enjoy some free time etc.
Husband owns a business that when he sells would make put us in this category (on the single figure side) but that won't be for a few years.
I'm very happy with us not ever having kids, but society is so pushy for people to become parents that you can't help but question if it's the right thing to do.

Any one else think the same?

DS is now a complete joy, and a constant supplier of very funny and very subversive jokes that you could not tell in polite company.

Do consider that "a better life than your own" isn't all about money. I'm not offering my children a "better life" than I have had in terms of money, but I certainly feel I am in terms of happiness, kindness and good parenting. I had some financial privilege growing up but a fairly unhappy childhood, and bear the scars of that today. My son is already a lot happier than I was at his age, but has been on fewer expensive holidays and has fewer expensive toys. I had a nanny at his age and he goes to a low cost day nursery 🤷🏼‍♀️ I'd still far rather have his childhood than mine.

Was this your way of telling us you're rich?

I think if you don’t want kids unless you’re a millionaire then don’t ever have kids! What’s the point in having them to then pay someone else to raise them?

I wouldn't want them even if I were a billionaire - just not for me. I agree there is societal pressure - often this is very subtle, things such as work training material, marketing campaigns etc. assuming that once you are in your thirties, you will either have or be trying for children. You need to set this aside if you can.

I also think you should try to set aside the financial side of your consideration - most people who do have children aren't millionaires - that reasoning might not stand up if it's your only reason and, in later life, you do wish you'd made a different choice (I say this only because you're not certain at the moment, I'd be the last person to say 'you might regret it later' to someone who was certain).

Consider whether you want the lifelong responsibility. The possibility of children who might be troublesome as they grow up. The possibility of children who might have health issues that mean they will be dependent on you for the rest of your life. Young children who will have needs to be met when you are unwell or feeling low; who would still be there being needy if for any reason your husband was not and you had to go it alone, or you lost all your money, or your house burned down in a fire etc.

Personally I think people who want them must have quite an overwhelming maternal urge to be able to override all the practical reasons not to have them - which of course is fine - but if you don't have such an urge then it might not be a good idea.

I think that’s a perfectly reasonable position to take.

My son will be going into nursery 4 days a week, what’s the difference between that and a nanny except that the nanny is far more convenient because they come to you and can work round the hours you need? So I don’t buy the “don’t have a kid if you’re going to hand them to a nanny” stuff. It’s just one form of childcare.

I didn’t want kids and I’ve now got 1, I love him and we don’t struggle financially but there’s no doubt in my mind that life would be easier and more balanced if we had the money to employ dedicated support.

My first thought and I mean this in the nicest possible way...but this is a recipe for creating one fucked up kid. You don't really want one...you are willing to succumb to societal pressure if you can afford help to absolve yourself of as much parenting as possible. This is a terrible reason to have a child and will have a huge knock on effect on that person you potentially create. It's like marriage vows...for richer for poorer...that goes for kids too.

Don't have one...you don't want one. That's fine. Enjoy your life.

100% this! I'm loving the age my kids are at now (mostly) DD is 18 & off at Uni - we have a great relationship and she's an amazing person! & DS is almost 15 & he's mostly nice & kind etc. I'll be 50 in 3 years & also am currently going through perimenopause & I think my life might feel a bit bleak & empty right now if it was just my & DH & no kids to liven things up. I found the baby/toddler years very hard & had little day to day help from family but it was all worth it now they are older & more independent 😀 I'm not even bothered about having grandchildren but I just love spending time with my teenage kids - they are so funny!

I waited because I hadn't found a long term partner. I spent my funds on buying a house instead. Then had ds in my 40s. I wasn't a millionaire but it meant when my relationship with ex failed, I could walk away and provide me and ds with a home immediately and still afford childcare, so I could work.
Not a millionaire but knowing I could provide for my child by myself made a huge difference to how I felt about it.

Got to ask though, why are you on Mumsnet if you don't have kids and ergo, don't need parenting advice?

So because of societal pressure?

Bingo.
I claim my prize.

@Aswad No. My child-bearing years are dwindling and so I am trying to rationally assess my position.

Yes, because Penis Beaker had some real pearls of wisdom for tackling the 4 month sleep regression 🙄

I can tell you now that having kids is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I desperately wanted them. I still do! If you don’t have that absolute drive to have them and be willing to give up everything (I’m saying you have to, you just have to be willing to give up everything) then I honestly can’t see why you would want them.

I joined over twenty years ago because DNephew was being badly bullied at school and DSis was at the end of her tether. I thought MN might be a good place for advice - it was. I'm still here 20+ years later because of FWR, The Archers, crochet, gardening, holiday destination advice, Scotsnet. So basically nothing to do with raising children.

It's fine to not want to have children - and becoming more common. You are right that it costs a lot of money to bring up a child, especially if you opt for private school, but please don't have a baby just because of perceived social pressure and "because we're getting older and everyone else is doing it"!

Just have the courage of your convictions and live happily childfree - it's nobody else's business and you don't have to justify it.

I dont see the point of having children if you dont feel a massive urge to do so. Be grateful we live in a time and place where its completely normal to be childfree. If you really get the maternal urge in the future, you could always get a dog. Theyre even better!

Society dosent push anyone to have kids at all,if anything, everything is going against family life- women made to go to work,, now often one full time earner isnt enough has to be 2, if 2 go to work then they cant take time off when kids get sick etc which often puts them off having more. Sorry to say and people like you are becoming more the norm, dont think about a child bringing joy but how much its going to cost and how many holidays you are going to miss out on.

Some people change when they get pregnant and appreciate the chance and the child,some dont. You have children for yourself not because of what someone else says or what you think society expects.

@MRIELA I actually think it's an incredibly good thing that people are thinking it over so much - and looking at more than just the 'joy ' that children bring. Because alongside that I'm also aware of the not- joy they can bring, so I'm trying to rationally think about how I would negate that ie making sure me and my partner can still enjoy each other, making sure I have time for my own wellbeing and mental health, thinking about how the child could be looked after if it was ill and I had to work (which would all be made possible with the help of a nanny).

In all honestly, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, you sound too selfish to have kids.

When you have kids they are (or should be) your top priority. Your wellbeing doesn't come first, and nor does enjoying your partner. It doesn't mean those things aren't important, but they should come second to your child and their needs. You have little kids for such a short period of time - you're talking a decade of your life really. Then decades and decades after that to put yourself and your partner first again.

I think you've answered your own question with your responses in this thread tbh. Nothing wrong with wanting to put yourself and your needs first forever, but you shouldn't be a parent.

There are a lot of points in your texts, about needing time for yourself, needing nanny if child got ill (usually parents take time off, if they are self employed baby carry and work, work from home, ask grandparent for help etc). Parents figure things out as they come to cross bridges and Im confident 99 percent people are not millionaires who raise children. You make do with what you have. One thing that you need to be as a parent that you are not (yet)- is selfless and be ready to consider another persons needs above your own. To most parents it comes naturally, for example you shouldnt go on adult holiday (aka sit with a pram/toddler outside a nightclub in Turkey) but go to child friendly family holiday destinations and make memories for the child. I know couple of people who I am not sure why they had children, they have made their children tag along in some random places since they were babies or left them in another country while they went on a holiday abroad for weeks.

If children are not a thing for you why push it.

Nothing prepared me for the biological shifts that occur with pregnancy, birth and child rearing. They give me huge dopamine hits. It's a bit like I'm addicted to my own kids.

You would be so bowled over by your child that you would 'lose' your husband anyway, nanny or no. It's hardwired into us.

@LookingForTipsNotPuns have you not seen all the different chat topics aside from parenting advice on MN? I think a lot of people on here are child free - or like myself now have adult children .