I would only have a child if we became millionaires

[bananafoams]

I've never been a particularly maternal person and have never wanted children, but now I'm getting a bit older (34, husband is 42) it's a topic that is on my mind a lot.
I know that time is ticking away, and so I want to make sure that not having children is the correct path for us and everything is definitely stacked towards not becoming parents - including the fact that we love our freedom and disposable money.
I have to say though the one thing that would possibly persuade me is if we became millionaires as then we could afford a nanny and other things that would mean we could still enjoy some free time etc.
Husband owns a business that when he sells would make put us in this category (on the single figure side) but that won't be for a few years.
I'm very happy with us not ever having kids, but society is so pushy for people to become parents that you can't help but question if it's the right thing to do.

Any one else think the same?

@Blueberrywitch Yes I understand this. My father is one of nine and I love attending big family events. And now as an adult I love having a grown up relationship with my parents, so can see the positives of adult children, but children children not so much😂

It sounds like you're thinking about all of this from your perspective, your lifestyle, your needs, but nowhere have you considered the child's perspective, lifestyle and needs. That's not to say you wouldn't gain that perspective if you were a mother, I'm sure most of us had a bit of a paradigm shift after the birth of our first child one way or another, but you'd be bringing another life into this world and you need to consider them.

Definitely don't have children if the only reason is because you feel you ought to.

It sounds like not having children is the right decision.
My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and has brought joy to my life like nothing else, but having a baby completely changes your life beyond all recognition, and their well-being and happiness suddenly come above yours every time. So I think unless you are prepared for that and truly want children you could end up resenting the loss of your freedom and lifestyle.

@somanybooks While I'm sure I can't fully grasp the shift as a non-parent, I have tried to think about what we could offer the child. I actually think my husband would be a wonderful father (so that makes me a little sad at the thought of not being parents). But yes, I understand what you are saying - how would the child feel about having a nanny etc.

Sounds like not having children is the right decision. Even with plenty of money and staff, children need a lot of your time. You don't need to justify your decision to anyone.

No. You don't want them, don't have them.

I have two, kids, have just turned 39 and have starting feeling like I would like another.

I'm 99% positive I won't and the one thing that would convince me to do it would be a lottery win.

BUT, that would be to enable me to work less, use less childcare, and spend more time with the kids. Not to get a nanny so I could still have some free time.

It doesn't sound like you want kids, and that's fine.

Does your husband want children?

Don't bother, children deserve better.

Sounds like you definitely shouldn't have any! For your sake and theirs

You sound like you're only considering having children as society thinks you should - that is a terrible reason. And you'd only consider it if you could give them to a nanny to raise for much of the time - again why you have them in the first place? Kids are bloody hard work and if you're not really, really, sure you want them then you really shouldn't have them.

Not having kids is the best thing you can do for the planet right now. Don't let anyone tell you you're somehow doing something wrong by not having them.

@Beachsidesunset We have of course had this conversation many times over the years to make sure we are still on the same page and in agreement. He does not, however unlike me he did think he would have one when he was younger. He has said that he believes if he truly wanted one he would have with a previous partner. (His girlfriend before me was planning for them to have children.)

Lots of families do financial planning before having a child.

However that is generally aimed at maximising their time with their child.

If your starting point is "how can I limit the impact of a child on my time" then it's probably not your best plan.

And that's absolutely fine.

Being a selfish person and having a child/children don't mix well. Enjoy your freedom you will have loads of it. Hopefully you and your husband will live long and happy lives together

I never really understand the rhetoric that "society is so pushy for people to be parents" I think that most people, literally, couldn't give a shit and it's just something people ask in general conversation. It's a bit naval-gazey assuming everyone is secretly thinking "why don't you have any kids yet you freak?"

You say I'm very happy with us not ever having kids - in that case I really wouldn't have them - they're hard work and imo the primary requisite of having children should be that you want them.

@Whoputtheramintheramalamadingdong Well, yes in the grand scheme people dont care, but immediate friends, colleagues and family definitely ask - but point taken.

If you* have children, you have to be prepared to commit to them forever. Even if they don’t turn out as you hoped. Or if they’re disabled and need lifelong care. Or they have SEND which makes childcare inaccessible for them. Or your life changes and you find yourself struggling in some way. Come hell or high water, you have to be ready to step up for the rest of your life.

If you aren’t, that’s ok - the important thing is that you recognise this, so you decide not to have children. That’s fine! It’s a perfectly valid and reasonable decision, and the only person you need to discuss it with is your partner.

*‘You’ being used in the widest sense as opposed to directed just at the op here.

@Notonthestairs good point, well made. Thank you

You don't sound like you'd be a very involved mother or able to meet a child's needs. I wouldn't bother if I were you.

I think it's natural to have a little wobble/what if moment, I didn't think I ever wanted to be a mother, and I am not and now at almost 50 and peri-menopausal I can't and I know that I made the absolute right decision but every now and again I had a little wobble but I am too selfish and to fucked up to have raised kids. I'm sure this won't be your last period of doubts but they can get a little more forceful just before the 40 mark or at least they did with me.

Please let me be that reassurance.

We both really wanted children. It is still the hardest, most intense thing I have ever done. You can’t always pay your way out of the hard stuff - if your child is sick or disabled for example - or you can, but only if you are willing to outsource genuine care for the child. No amount of childcare takes away the worry or the hard parenting stuff.

Don’t feel you need to justify being childfree and certainly don’t feel you need to either have kids or be belligerently anti child! Children can be a part of your life. Be the cool aunt, every child needs non-parent adults who have got their back, and as parents we adore the people who adore our children and hand them back!

I kind of agree with you. The world will not miss my genes, the battle for resources will intensify as they run too low for population, infrastructure is not there to support (schools overcrowded, healthcare access, mental health support, housing) so short of a fundamental need for children it would seem practical that money makes the decision (as that can get access to the above).
It’s not a nice thought and I hate the idea of only the rich having children but it is the way the world appears to be heading.

God having kids is so hard, I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't 100%. Don't feel pressured.

However I do have neices and nephews and stepchildren who will be supported by me and receive inheritances to hopefully ease their path

People can be arseholes about this - whether you have kids or not. We got married young and by the time we actually had kids I think all but our closest friends assumed we wouldn’t be having them.

You still have time. I definitely wasn't planning to have kids at your age, yet one day my mind changed. Pregnant almost instantly, but only once. I was 43 when I gave birth. Now we are 66 and 23, and it is one of the most rewarding relationships. Good luck with your choice.

PS... having enough money and good health definitely helps. A lot.