DH just told me he hates fatherhood

[Winniethepig]

We have two young children, 6mnths and 2.5 yrs old, and during an argument DH told me he hates fatherhood. He said he enjoys small aspects but on the whole finds it all unpleasant.

I feel so upset with hearing this. Its been a challenge with the terrible twos and our youngest has been the best sleeper. So we’re in the thick of it. I feel sad because while there are parts of parenting I can not stand I love my children and parenting them.

he’s generally not the happiest of people (I think he suffers from mild depression and has done for years, but will not seek help as he feels it doesn’t work for him)

I feel like leaving, and feel like it he uses words like hate when discussing his fatherhood he will probably always hate it. I don’t want my children around someone who hates parenting.

looking for stories / advice on this, will he more than likely always be like this or will he enjoy parenting more later when the children are out of their baby / toddler years?

This is a horrible thing to say, but I guess in the heat of the moment and very tired we can say things we don’t mean. It’s maybe more worrying that you feel he is generally depressed but wont seek help. Could you talk about it when things are calmer?

I think small children can test relationships and it really does get easier and some men can become lots more engaged but you have to come through it together really, plus who is supporting and looking after you now?

Plenty of people this way, but very few admit it. If you look at anonymous surveys that have been carried out a surprisingly large number of parents don't enjoy parenthood that much.

I didn't enjoy it at all until recently, my DS is 8. Although it's pretty obvious, the lack of freedom shocked me. And I don't just mean going out and doing things, but the fact that I couldn't just sit down and enjoy a cup of tea and read a book or watch a film. I like quiet and solitude, so it was tough. It doesn't mean that I don't love him to the moon and back.

Just because someone doesn't enjoy parenthood, it doesn't mean that he can't be an excellent parent. We all do things in life that we don't really enjoy and we often do them well. Don't dwell on it too much - would you have known if he hadn't said?

I think we all hate it at some time.

As PP said, I think many people hate having a 2.5-yo and a 6-mo. Although it can feel very fulfilling, it’s also a hard slog both mentally and physically. My DM once said “the years in which I had kids under 3 were the worst years of my life”. She didn’t mean it resentfully, just factually. She and I have a perfectly decent adult relationship. She just hated parenting babies. I like it, but only because I have tons of help. On days when I’m totally alone with the three DCs (5, 3, 1), I’m not gonna lie, I can feel pretty miserable. I love them to the moon and back but I don’t often enjoy the day-to-day at this stage.

Your DH needs to tackle his depression, if he is indeed afflicted, but I don’t think you need to pull him up on his feelings. Actions speak louder than words. Forget how he feels about parenting. Does he parent WELL?

I feel like leaving, and feel like it he uses words like hate when discussing his fatherhood he will probably always hate it. I don’t want my children around someone who hates parenting.

What a complete overreaction. Your DH is perfectly entitled to feel the way he feels. Many parents feel the same way, at one point or another, whether they admit to it or not. Plus, how would leaving actually help? All it will mean is that at least some of the time, your children will be around their dad without you there, still hating parenting.

Hating being a parent and hating your child are not one and the same thing, so maybe try stop invalidating his feelings and acting like he murdered someone?

As the others have said, I think leaving would be an overreaction. It sounds like he's not enjoying the early stages of parenthood - many don't. I had a colleague once that said she hated being a parent until after 3 and my dad has also admitted the same thing. I think, for a lot of people, they don't enjoy it as much until their children can fully interact with them.

So, my advice, OP, is not to make any hasty or rash decisions as his feelings really aren't that uncommon and would life really be greener? As long as he doesn't hate his children and is a good dad generally, let this one go and help him get the support he needs for his depression.

Love my kids. Hate parenting. I have a toddler and an older DD. The toddler is draining physically and older DD is draining mentally. I don’t really want to spend my days repeating myself again and again and again, nor do I enjoy endless nappy changes or 3am wake ups. It’s ok to dislike parenting, and you can admit that whilst still loving your kids.

Don't underestimate the fog of total exhaustion that goes with parenting a toddler and a baby. We all do and say stupid things.

I love my children. I don't regret them. But I can hand on heart say I'm not enjoying parenting an awful lot right now. It's emotional, repetitive, relentless and sometimes damn right abusive!

I recognise my DP feels the same. We just remind each other that it's not forever. We love each other and we try and give each other breaks often x

I hate motherhood, it’s a bloody grind, my DD is also beautiful, funny and clearly a genius. You can love your kids while really not enjoying looking after them, it’s often soul destroying. He’s allowed to have his feelings on this, it’s what he does that matters.

How much parenting does he actually do? How much support does he give you, @Winniethepig ?

Its all very well admitting you dislike aspects of the day to day grind of parenting, but is he using this to withdraw from doing any parenting? How is he as a team player?

Because it sounds like you’re carrying the entire burden, @Winniethepig And in that circumstance, thinking about leaving isn’t an overreaction.

I think the comment needs context.

He does a bit with our toddler, her bed times, gets her up in the morning etc, does nursery drop offs. Our baby has been a terrible sleeper and is only just starting to sleep stretches longer than 2 hrs at night, so I have been exhausted for before he was born.

he doesn’t do much with our baby because he feels he isn’t good with him, but he’s excellent with our toddler when he puts in effort.

My soon to be ex husband walked out about 3 months ago OP - also citing the fact he hates family life - we have 3 young children- 1 year old twins and a primary age child. He started to detach from us when we had the twins - it was clear he hated the relentlessness of 3 children - I think when we just had the one child he could "hide" if you like as naturally I did pretty much all the care and he did the fun bits but when you have twins there is no where to hide and you both have to parent - and he couldn't. Just announced one day he was done and left immediately and never came back

We had an argument which started over the white noise I was using in my sons room. His room is right off the kitchen and I need something in there to drown out the noise to help him sleep. The fight was that he didn’t like the noise I chose, but I have been searching for a sound that my son will like and that he will tolerate for WEEKS. All I get is “I don’t like this, I don’t like that….”

So I snapped and swore at him, I’m working so hard on settling our son and getting him to sleep better, so I can get some rest. So I’m probably a bit too sensitive atm because I’m so sleep deprived. 😞

Then it just launched in to trading blows and that came out as part of it.

Sounds like you are both finding it stressful. It does get easier!

He s allowed to hate it, but still he is catastrophising. Catch him at a happier time and he will say something different. Try to let him talk about how he feels, and you do the same. It is possible to parent effectively even if you have very mixed feelings about it.

(DH is super sensitive to noise and never wanted kids, so I feel ya. He is still a great dad and a wonderful partner).

Can you delegate the problem of finding a generally acceptable white noise to him?

We settled on rain. Fairly innocuous and quite effective.

I feel for you, but I also think this is the reason people don’t admit when they’re having a hard time and feel pressure to pretend they love parenting when they don’t. You’re being overly harsh on your DH, imagine if it were the other way around and you weren’t coping with the sleep deprivation. You tell the person you think is your best friend how you’re really feeling then they (potentially) leave you?

The first few years with tiny DC are brutal (we’re also in the thick of it) and some days we do just hate parenting. As PP said there’s a difference between that and hating your DC. I agree you may be overly sensitive to this because you’re not getting enough sleep (only 2 hour stretches would break me too!!) I would be sitting down with my DH and working out how we could get more sleep together, and telling him to get his arse in gear and do some stuff with our son, as this is a separate and more important issue than whether he “hates fatherhood” or not.

So YABU to consider leaving for that reason but YANBU to expect him to step up and be a father. But perhaps get him to see a doctor about antidepressants.

Good luck OP!

I'm in a similar issue I have 2 ds ds4 and ds 3months and its hard. Dp doesn't want to do much anymore with dc however used to be amazing dad before ds2 came along. We also are having sleep less nights and fight over the bedtime noise for ds2 (I like disney paino and he likes classical which I hate) posted in here for advise the other day also. I also broke down yesterday because of it all away from home. Don't know if the breakdown gave me a kick up the arse or what but got home and told my dp to sort his shit out.

I truly believe he may be depressed but he's one of these stupid people who think depression is not a thing. Not sure if that is because he doesn't want to accept he is.

Following on from me telling my dp to sort his shit out last night was a lot better, he has put more of an effort in to both dc which even allowed me to have a peaceful 10min shower before ds1 came in to use the toilet and ask 60 million questions. Now this may stay like this or he may go back to how it was in a few days I'm not sure.

Dp has also expressed when ds1 was born he's doesn't know what to do etc and he would prefer it when he is older and they can have a conversation with each other. This did seem to happen so I'm hoping that again it will happen with ds2.

My advise is to have a sit down with dp and try and get a plan together so you both get sleep and you both get that break even I it's just 20 mins here and there during the day / evening.

Iv told dp I want my peaceful showers for at least 10 mins a day and to be able to get ready for the day in the morning, also once a week I want a long break so I can either go out by myself or hide away in another room and in turn he can have the same.

I do think you dp will feel better when they are older as when they are so young some men seem to be scared of dc.

I hope things get better for you x

Cancel the white noise
That is pushing your dh over the edge.
I struggled with the baby period. But luckily it doesn't last long - I was a complete zombie.
Once they start to toddle and can do a bit more for theirselves it gets so much better
I still miss my little buddies.

You are both absolutely in the trenches at the moment. Be kind to him. Objectively who enjoys being repeatedly woken every night, losing your social life and never having a second to yourself?

it sounds like your approach is one child to one adult which does make sense but means no one ever truly gets an hour off. Can you agree that at weekends you both take it in turns to take the kids out for a couple of hours to the park / for a walk / to soft play while the other gets a chance to just be? Parenting changes by age. Eventually you’ll be able to have much more sleep and time to yourself. Admitting he’s not enjoying the stage is really normal and reasonable, actually. I think being able to say this out loud is important

This bit of parenting is one of the hardest so try not to take it out on each other. I bloody hated being a parent at that stage. Don't take his comment to heart you are both shattered.

Yeah you're probably right, but he isn't not coping with sleep dep. I am. He is fortunate that the toddler is a good sleeper so he doesn't need to get up, and he doesn't get up for the baby.

Thanks for the advice, I think it'll be a case of wait and see how he is in a few months, once things hopefully get easier with the baby.

Well we don't know your oh op but I do know that parenting is bloody hard and I've had gone where I've though oh my god is this is it now. Also people often use anger to explain themselves so maybe he feels that way a little bit and it's just come out in the argument as he's currently frustrated, I see you have one under 1, or maybe he overall hates being a dad and this is more worrying I guess. You'll need to ask him more I think. Life's hard when they're under 3 and maybe his life has changed a lot more than what he's expected, the same will have happened to you I'm sure but some people just adapt easier, I know I struggled after dd 1 arrived, I'd have said for a w while I hate parenting I won't lie.