DH just told me he hates fatherhood

[Winniethepig]

We have two young children, 6mnths and 2.5 yrs old, and during an argument DH told me he hates fatherhood. He said he enjoys small aspects but on the whole finds it all unpleasant.

I feel so upset with hearing this. Its been a challenge with the terrible twos and our youngest has been the best sleeper. So we’re in the thick of it. I feel sad because while there are parts of parenting I can not stand I love my children and parenting them.

he’s generally not the happiest of people (I think he suffers from mild depression and has done for years, but will not seek help as he feels it doesn’t work for him)

I feel like leaving, and feel like it he uses words like hate when discussing his fatherhood he will probably always hate it. I don’t want my children around someone who hates parenting.

looking for stories / advice on this, will he more than likely always be like this or will he enjoy parenting more later when the children are out of their baby / toddler years?

I love this idea, my husband gets time off but he won't give me any, because he thinks he can not look after the baby. Its an issue I know but I am honestly a bit worried to leave him with both, I did that for 15 mins and came back to the baby screaming in his room, with my husband holding him upright and not even trying to soothe him. He genuinely doesn't know how and is unwilling to learn. So he gets time and I only get time if I take the baby to the gym creche, or if I get a babysitter in.

I hated being a parent when my DC were very young. It was hell. I love my DC to bits and now they're teenagers I'm finding parenting a lot more enjoyable.

This will likely get lost in the comments but I felt the exact same as your DH last year, when mine was 2.5yo. I'd gone a long time with PND and hit complete rock bottom and was spewing venom about hating the fact I'd had a child and I wanted leave and get my life back. I sought help and I'm feeling a million times better now, and certainly don't regret anything! Depression is an incredibly lonely (but selfish) space so whilst it's tough at the moment, please try to be kind but also encourage he get some help. My partner who is usually very timid read me the riot act and practically pushed me into the GPs office and I'm so glad he did (eventhough I hated him for it at the time). Your circumstances will get easier in terms of parenting, but your husbands feelings may not so it's really important that he speak to his GP. Best of luck x

Really sorry to hear this. Having a two year old and a baby is very hard - the hardest time for me, without a doubt. I hope things get easier and happier for you both.

Unless you have one of those rare easy babies or compliant 2 year olds this stage is grueling as fuck. Both babies and toddlers are high needs but with very different needs that don't always go well together. I've found a 2 and 4 year old easier, the 2 year old is still high needs but it's not so hard to manage the two of them.

It might be a good idea for your DH to see his GP, you need to find a way to just endure this stage and not have high expectations. I think a lot of people hate this stage but don't feel able to say it.

You both sound exhausted. I don't like motherhood, and while I'm getting into the swing of it now DS is 4, I wouldn't have had him if I could go back. I know I'm not alone in feeling that way. So I think you're being a bit harsh.

I only have one child and cannot imagine how the hell we'd have coped with a baby while also raising a 2 year old. You're right in the thick of it!! Have a chat with each other and allow each other to be totally open about how you feel without judgement. Its great that he copes better with your toddler, some people do just struggle with babies (I did!!).

Okay, nothing much to add here except his lack of willingness to learn is going to lead you to be resentful so it is not surprising that you are arguing. But if you leave, you will have to do everything all the time anyway, as in my experience, a man who does not parent young children in the family home is not going to suddenly start parenting out of it. So if he won’t look after baby so you can get a break, will he take charge of booking the babysitter so you can get a break? Does he accept you need a break? Is there someone in your neighbourhood who you both trust to come in and look after the baby for a few hours a couple of days a week?

No don't cancel the white noise. How loud and annoying can it possibly be? I agree with someone else, get him to find a white noise that works.

As for not doing much with his youngest, that is surely unacceptable. Don't most adults realise that you only become good by doing. Also it's his child! What if both parents couldn't be arsed? What then?

I don't think he's wrong to admit that parenting is hard, but he isn't even trying, is he?

Just to note alot of white noise drives me absolutely insane. It feels like something is crawling about inside me and my brain. It’s like a physical reaction.

If that’s how he feels then I think you should tell him that he needs to find a white noise that’s suitable.

It also sounds like he is doing alot. But only with the toddler. When things have calmed down a bit, you need to discuss a plan for him to be more involved with the baby. Do it together.

It’s a really hard time. Leaving would be a huge over reaction. Most of us feel this way. I adore my kids. They are older now, but there are time I absolutely detested parenting and the relentlessness. Saying it out loud does not make a person a worse person or even a worse parent. I don’t regret having the kids but there were times I just felt I couldn’t do it anymore. Obvious I did. I went to bed, still got up with during the night etc.

2 people, stressed out and struggling and arguing is unlikely to be productive or logical.

You said you traded blows. How would you feel if he decided to leave you over some of your ‘blows’? It was a 2 sided argument. In these situations it’s rarely helpful to decide ‘well yeah but what he said was worse’ when it’s been just 2 ‘trading blows’.

It gets so much more enjoyable when they get older. If your relationship is otherwise good and you love him, hang in there together.

Sorry OP but this. You are really overreacting. He has said something in the heat of the moment, at frankly a really tough time in parenting.

We have a 3 year old and 5 month old and I definitely have days I dislike parenthood. At this point it's often monotonous, I have two children with very different needs, sleep deprived, dealing with toddler tantrums, no freedom or spontaneity. It's a lot to deal with and it's unrealistic to expect anyone to be bouncing with joy at all times.

However, I do not dislike my children. They are my everyrhing. And i also know i wont dislike parenting forever nor do i all the time now. Everything is a phase and right now its a tough phase.

I think cut him some slack, talk about what he needs / what you need to make this phase easier on each other.

@MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly
''Plenty of people this way, but very few admit it.''

So true. I think many people just go along with having kids because their partner is really keen or because they want to conform in society but in reality are not cut out to be parents or have no real wish for their life to revolve around a child.

You both sound exhausted and stressed out so it is no surprise that some unpleasant words came out.

Time will tell if this was just a one off outburst due to being really tired or whether having a second child was just too much for him and the relationship will be seriously affected by it.

@knittingaddict

No don't cancel the white noise. How loud and annoying can it possibly be?

^^^^^
Bit rude - but I'll bite ...
Noise is noise
One of the biggest Stresses Is noise.
Many threads on here proof that.
What bothers one may not bother another.
This obviously bothers op's dh so out of respect it needs to be addressed.
Some people can fall asleep with the TV on, others can't sleep with the TV on.
Horses for courses.

I hated the early years. Dc2 was hard.
I think dh has found the later years harder though. He was better when they were more small animal-like, rather than thinking, autonomous individuals.

No don't cancel the white noise. How loud and annoying can it possibly be?

My dad, who is a sweet, kind, patient man, can't cope with white noise. He would never mention something unless it was really bothering him.

OP - you say you traded blows, he landed a better blow than you.

As someone who is a parent to one child, who was a very challenging baby and has developed into an even.more challenging child (severe adhd/asd) I can honestly say that I'm don't particularly enjoy parenting. There ARE quite lot of days where the stress of it can lead me to feel like I hate it. It's predominantly why I never went on to have more. One has exhausted, shocked and battered my spirit. My whole life no longer resembles anything of the life I had before a child.

BUT that kid is my life, my world, my everything. Despite all of the above, I have never loved another being as much as that child. The love feels almost like we're actually connected, in a sort of spiritual and physical sense. And I think that has also contributed to the overwhelming-ness of parenthood. The level of responsibility for the happiness and wellbeing on another human who us entirely dependent on you is fucking profound! I've found it to be unbearable weight sometimes.

And then there's just the basic boredom of it, if I'm honest. I've found the years of trips to parks and play centres (and all the other usual baby/child entertainment establishments) mind numbing. I couldn't bare the baby groups and mummy meet ups. Constantly talking about babies and kids....oh my god. It got me down! I was no longer an individual, I was just a mum, talking about breast v bottle, weaning, baby wearing, organic foods and the competing with "well my baby was walking and talking the minute she popped out the womb!"

I have changed my life to suit my son and his needs. But I'd do it over and over and over given the option. I don't regret him, because I love his so deeply I couldn't live without him.

But sometimes (very often) I don't enjoy parenting

I absolutely love parenting. It's as exhausting and draining as I expected but more intensely joyful too. I think what's been lost in many of the replies is that it's this man's actions that are the issue and his expression verbally of hating parenting is just a reflection of that. He doesn't give the OP a break, does parenting but moans about it etc. He's not a team player, they're not in it together at all.

At least not six months ago. How are things now OP?

Terrible. Just terrible. On the brink of finding a way to separate. He yelled at out 3 year old to go to bed so loud the neighbour called the police. To retaliate he called the RSPCA and told them he saw them kicking their dog. So yeah, not great. Trying to find a way a navigate all this. I am broken. 😞

So sorry OP. That's awful. Good luck with it.

I'm so sorry to read that the situation hasn't improved. It doesn't sound like he's up to it. Some people can step up even if it isn't what they expected as this thread shows but he seems stuck. Did you get anywhere with trying to engage him in depression or parenting support?

Could he have PND from the second baby OP, hence why he struggles with that one more than the toddler?

It's a shame if you are finding ways to separate but it sounds like he needs mental health help.

If he wasn't happy after the first child why did he have another with you?

Sorry to hear things are tough Op. parenting babies and toddler can be tough and if I’m honest I hated a lot of it too. However I loved a lot of it and I broke my back putting in effort to be positive, to manage the difficult parts. Sounds like your DH is just falling in to a pit, becoming an abusive person and is not putting in the work to improve things for anyone.

I hope you find a way to separate. Have you suggested maybe he leave and live elsewhere. Maybe he needs the option verbalised to him? I suspect your and the children’s day to day would be better without the added pressure of his mood and behaviour.

My DP was like this too, when our DD (now 4) was a few months old and a very unsettled colicky, reflux, constantly crying baby I couldn't handle the way he was being any more. We had had discussion after discussion about his moods (he couldn't handle the baby crying - never lost his temper or anything but would always come across as sulky and grumpy) and he would refuse to get help.
Eventually I told him that if he didn't sort it out and get help that DD and I would be leaving because I couldn't handle living with him like this any more.
He is not a talker (think "man's man, ex rugby player, beers with the lads, getting help is a sign of weakness etc etc) but we made an appt with the GP (I went with him - with his consent - to make sure he didn't minimise anything ) and he was offered CBT or to start on low dose antidepressants straight away.
4 years and another DC later things are much better. We all have days where we don't enjoy parenting and that's totally OK. But when you are in the midst of any sort of depression, mild or otherwise, it is nigh on impossible to see any of the positives.
Encourage him to seek help. If he won't then the ball is in your court. Doesn't sound like things will change otherwise and you can't co-parent with someone who doesn't want to parenting- you will end up full of resent for one another.

OP, I'm so sorry that things are this bad.

Separation sounds a very good idea. Parenting is tough enough without an adult in the house throwing tantrums, refusing to pitch in and generally draining any joy out of the situation.

He has been a very poor partner to you and a poor parent to your dc, especially the youngest.

Are you financially secure if you divorce?