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Original poster

School allowed unauthorised parent to pick up child

83 replies

sn21 · 17/11/2022 15:47

I've been having problems with my ex partner for a couple of weeks. But if background there was a lot of dv that went on in our relationship we haven't been together for a year. He sees the children on weekends and I am solely responsible for pick up and drop off. Since breaking up me and the children have moved to an address he doesn't know. The children have also moved school in the new school year.

Today he called me to say he was on his way to the school by taxi as he wanted to pick them up and promised he would. I rushed my way to the school to get there first however they had opened the gates early as I was coming round the playground saw he had already collected youngest.

I don't really know how to approach, as new school we're not aware of the situation. However we're 3 months into school and he's never picked them up nor is he on any emergency contact/authorised person to pick up the children. Where do I stand and what can I do?

OP posts:
AntlerRose · 17/11/2022 16:52

OP, tomorrow i would make sure thr school know he doesnt have parental responsibility for the youngest and ask they check in future.

I would also ask that they have recieved all the safeguarding information from the previous school.

brighterthanthemoon · 17/11/2022 16:53

Are the kids with you and safe?

Rogue1001MNer · 17/11/2022 16:56

I think the school have messed up here, and I rarely say that.

If he is the father of the children then the school cannot stop him picking the children up unless you have a court order denying him this right. As far they know he has the same parental rights as you do

Although this is correct, the safeguarding lead should have had this information from previous setting.

I would make an appointment with the safeguarding lead to discuss what to do going forward.

It's too late now, but you could have called the school once he'd told you he was on his way.
But that horse has bolted now.

The best thing you can do to ensure the children are picked up you is to be there.

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MarigoldPetals · 17/11/2022 17:03

It is your responsibility to tell the school OP - don’t assume they have access to social services paperwork from the past.
Nowadays because of data protection schools aren’t given details of dv incidents that occur - they are just alerted that ‘name of child’ was present during a dv incident and may need support.
Hometime is very difficult logistically as the children often rush forward when they see they parents, some parents start talking to the teacher diverting their attention and it’s just generally tricky and chaotic. If a school hasn’t been informed that X parent cannot collect how can they possibly be at fault?

MarigoldPetals · 17/11/2022 17:04

Rogue1001MNer · 17/11/2022 16:56

I think the school have messed up here, and I rarely say that.

If he is the father of the children then the school cannot stop him picking the children up unless you have a court order denying him this right. As far they know he has the same parental rights as you do

Although this is correct, the safeguarding lead should have had this information from previous setting.

I would make an appointment with the safeguarding lead to discuss what to do going forward.

It's too late now, but you could have called the school once he'd told you he was on his way.
But that horse has bolted now.

The best thing you can do to ensure the children are picked up you is to be there.

Actually I think the OP has messed up here by not informing the school.

reallynow1 · 17/11/2022 17:10

How old are your children op?

ThreeLocusts · 17/11/2022 17:11

Hi OP, of course with hindsight it would have been better if you had informed the school but that doesn't mean that you have messed up. You didn't anticipate ex using this line of attack and you overestimated school communications ad attention to safeguarding at home time.

Now that you know he is acting up, I'd try being very open with the school, including about reason why this is happening now. Not great from point of view of you moving on, but your best chance to get school on your side.

I hope you have the kids back by joy or one-way soon. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

Starlightstarbright1 · 17/11/2022 17:14

Stressfordays · 17/11/2022 15:54

If he has parental rights, you can't stop him from picking them up. However in my case, the school were happy to use delay tactics to prevent him to give me time to get there. You need to speak to them first though, you can't just expect them to know.

This ia exactly what happened at my Ds's primary.

AngelicaElizaAndPeggy · 17/11/2022 17:16

We're you expecting school to magically know about this very long backstory? Why didn't you call them as soon as you found out instead of running to school?

Its so important to be completely transparent with school so that they can know your children and support them properly. This is really important information that they should have known about right from the off. I totally get why this has happened but be prepared for them to stick up for themselves and their procedures when you speak with them. At least they now know so should hopefully be able to support you all correctly in future.

AngelicaElizaAndPeggy · 17/11/2022 17:18

Ps I don't mean to come across all lectury. Now that the school know your history, they will be able to keep all of you safe from harm. I'm so sorry that you are going through this after everything that has happened and I hope this is the last of it.

Lulu1919 · 17/11/2022 17:21

Meceme · 17/11/2022 15:53

If he is the father of the children then the school cannot stop him picking the children up unless you have a court order denying him this right. As far they know he has the same parental rights as you do.

This I'm afraid....

Notanotherusername4321 · 17/11/2022 17:23

No he is not on youngest child's birth certificate and neither of them have dad listed when school forms were sent it September

that doesn’t answer whether he has PR though.

if he has PR, you need a court order.

if he doesn’t, it’s kidnap without your permission.

big difference.

so, does he have PR? Were you married or did he apply for it if not?

RedWingBoots · 17/11/2022 17:33

Rogue1001MNer · 17/11/2022 16:56

I think the school have messed up here, and I rarely say that.

If he is the father of the children then the school cannot stop him picking the children up unless you have a court order denying him this right. As far they know he has the same parental rights as you do

Although this is correct, the safeguarding lead should have had this information from previous setting.

I would make an appointment with the safeguarding lead to discuss what to do going forward.

It's too late now, but you could have called the school once he'd told you he was on his way.
But that horse has bolted now.

The best thing you can do to ensure the children are picked up you is to be there.

If the OP didn't inform the school there are issues then due to having 200+ pupils including some with SEN they aren't going to have a proper look.

Greyarea12 · 17/11/2022 17:34

I'm afraid the school can't stop him without a court order in place. Happened to me and i now have the court order that stops him from removing the kids from school, childminder, me and any other person that is looking after them. He is only allowed to pick them up/remove them on his contact days.

Original poster
sn21 · 17/11/2022 17:56

Thank you for the more helpful replies. In regards to the others I didn't realise every time you move a child's school I'm meant to call up and request an 8 yr long booklet of social work to bring them up to speed. You'd think a brief explanation would be clear enough for them to request or ask if they needed more information.

Also in regards to the actual issue, I understand maybe I should've been clearer but if dad does not have PR (regardless of the dv) how can he pick them up just because a kid said daddy. Any 4 year old is gonna scream daddy if they see them getting picked up. He could not have seen her for over a year and they would still have the same reaction so should her teacher not be aware when a child comes from a single parent home.

I'm not blaming the school as it's clear the teacher was not aware of the seriousness of the situation. However realistically I see it as that could've been any known male and said he's their dad to the teacher just because the child reacted as if she knew them is not good enough reason to just let her go surely? I'm in a position that I know what dad wants to hear and will get them back however that's not the case for a lot of others.

OP posts:
Katapolts · 17/11/2022 18:00

If the school have never met him before and he isn't on any of the children's records then he should never have been allowed to collect them.

School really messed up there and I would definitely raise that with them. It's a serious incident.

NippyWoowoo · 17/11/2022 18:00

I don't understand why you didn't ring the school as soon as he told you instead of 'raced' there.

Anyway I think the school was wrong, they don't know him and he could be anybody.

Rogue1001MNer · 17/11/2022 18:17

I didn't realise every time you move a child's school I'm meant to call up and request an 8 yr long booklet of social work to bring them up to speed

Oh. That's an insightful response. Ok.

You're not, and they should have been sent safeguarding information over from previous setting.

You still haven't answered whether dad has parental responsibility or not.
Does he?

Original poster
sn21 · 17/11/2022 18:21

Yes the school have never met him this should never have been allowed 'dad' or not
And again NO he does not have pr

OP posts:
Original poster
sn21 · 17/11/2022 18:24

My journey to the school isn't a quick one. So I didn't have time to sit on the phone and get there at the same time. Plus part of me thought he was bluffing because he likes to say things and not actually do them just to stress me out

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 17/11/2022 18:24

In regards to the others I didn't realise every time you move a child's school I'm meant to call up and request an 8 yr long booklet of social work to bring them up to speed.

but your OP sounds like you hadn’t told them at all?!

You say ‘every time you move a child’s school’ like it happens all the time! It doesn’t.

Notanotherusername4321 · 17/11/2022 18:30

My journey to the school isn't a quick one. So I didn't have time to sit on the phone and get there at the same time. Plus part of me thought he was bluffing because he likes to say things and not actually do them just to stress me out

if he doesn’t have PR surely you just call the school and tell them that, and that he’s not allowed to pick them up?

even if he was bluffing that would have stopped everything in it’s tracks. You getting there 5 mins later wouldn’t have mattered because the school can’t allow them to go.

autienotnaughty · 17/11/2022 18:32

You should have made school aware but if he has parental responsibility the can not stop him from collecting.

carefulcalculator · 17/11/2022 18:33

If he doesn't have PR, the school have fucked up IMO.

autienotnaughty · 17/11/2022 18:33

Sorry missed one of your posts . Yes school have screwed up.

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