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Original poster

Issues with in laws over kissing our baby, am I over reacting?

105 replies

Stephanieava · 02/11/2022 14:09

I’m having issues with my Husband & my in-laws at the moment regarding our 5 month old Daughter. I have asked since she was born that nobody please kiss her - they are absolutely welcome to love all over her with cuddles etc but just please no kissing. This obviously includes my family who have quietly grumbled about it but have respected my wishes

My Husband has also agreed with it… up until she got to 12 weeks old. Since then it has become quite the issue

The problem comes with his side of the family, who seem almost hell bent on planting their lips on her whenever they can & whenever my back is turned. They have loudly brought it up in the past that they don’t agree with the ‘no kissing rule’ & my Husband hasn’t particularly stood up for it, leaving me to be the bad guy. The horrible daughter in law, which i try so hard not to be!

The whole situation thoroughly upsets me - i’ve seen many stories where kissing a baby has passed on nasties from the adult, I barely even kiss her myself! Her health is my priority. And the fact that I’m receiving no support on it…. Am I over reacting? Is 5 months now old enough for other people to start kissing her?

I’m just so fed up & overwhelmed with the disagreements over it. Should I stick to my guns or am I being silly because she’s old enough now, which my Husband thinks!

Thank you x

OP posts:
Aisling28 · 02/11/2022 18:00

I think you are being totally unreasonable. Agree with all the points about germs. Seems to be the kids who are overly protected from dirt and germs who get more illnesses. If my sister/daughter in law said this I'd also think they were very controlling especially if the husband didn't mind.

PinkSyCo · 02/11/2022 18:24

As long as they’re not planting her one on the lips there is nothing wrong with kissing your child. Lighten up ffs.

MaybeSomeDay7 · 02/11/2022 19:32

You're the mum. Why is no-one listening to you? This seems to me to be about a lack of respect in those about you. When I had my first baby, I felt deeply uncomfortable with the way people just came wading in and grabbed him off me. It was as though I didn't even exist or that I was just a vessel for my then husband's seed. I think your discomfort could stem from just feeling a bit at sea. Having a child is a huge thing to do, they should just all sod off until you work out your comfort zones. Also how is your other half about your cold sores? Is he supportive in general? Does he help with the baby? Congratulations by the way, you sound like a lovely mum ❤

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Mrsmch123 · 02/11/2022 21:09

My 16 month old doesn't get kissed on the lips. My family were behind it when he was a newborn but once he got older I noticed that they started getting closer to his lips. I reminded them that I didn't want them kissing him on the lips to which they were a bit like ehhhh hmmmm okkkkkk. But I don't want him being exposed to the herpes virus for example. So just remind them no kissing end of. I do kiss him on the lips tho. Your baby your rules end of.

Original poster
Stephanieava · 02/11/2022 22:08

MaybeSomeDay7 · 02/11/2022 19:32

You're the mum. Why is no-one listening to you? This seems to me to be about a lack of respect in those about you. When I had my first baby, I felt deeply uncomfortable with the way people just came wading in and grabbed him off me. It was as though I didn't even exist or that I was just a vessel for my then husband's seed. I think your discomfort could stem from just feeling a bit at sea. Having a child is a huge thing to do, they should just all sod off until you work out your comfort zones. Also how is your other half about your cold sores? Is he supportive in general? Does he help with the baby? Congratulations by the way, you sound like a lovely mum ❤

@MaybeSomeDay7 thank you! Yes the way they do it when they think I’m not looking is the big kicker. I’m sure I will relax about it eventually, I just need to push past it & can’t keep her in a bubble forever, like people have said

Yes my Husband is wonderful thankfully. A very hands on Dad who dotes on her, I’d be at a total loss without him.

OP posts:
MaybeSomeDay7 · 02/11/2022 22:42

Stephanieava · 02/11/2022 22:08

@MaybeSomeDay7 thank you! Yes the way they do it when they think I’m not looking is the big kicker. I’m sure I will relax about it eventually, I just need to push past it & can’t keep her in a bubble forever, like people have said

Yes my Husband is wonderful thankfully. A very hands on Dad who dotes on her, I’d be at a total loss without him.

Show quote history

Ah, it all just takes a bit of time, when I had children was the first time I learned to assert boundaries and start listening to myself. You sound like a lovely family. ☺️

OnTheBoardwalk · 02/11/2022 22:52

@Stephanieava agree how you feel should be taken into consideration by the wider family

my mum suffers from really bad cold sores and stood firm with anyone trying to kiss me or my brothers near our mouths at any age.

Kiss on the top of the head or cheek was absolutely fine. She asked people not to kiss back of our hands as we’d wipe our mouths with them

no kissing at all is quite a big thing. Have you explained your anxiety?

Dotcheck · 02/11/2022 22:57

Her health includes mental health. It is lovely for children to be kissed by the people who love them.

And yes, She’ll soon be eating dirt/ cat food/ mystery items from god knows where…

Time to relax a bit!

Cazareeto1 · 02/11/2022 23:19

From a mum who was over protective of my first 2 children as babies/toddlers. (Have 3 now aged, DD 10,DS 8 and DS 5)
when my oldest was born I was 24 I didn’t have real “family” support from my side. And felt that I have the only real family in my DD, I felt like I had this huge responsibility to do everything right and by the book. And I didn’t want anyone to kiss her on the face, or hold her with out washing hands, I didn’t want anyone to go against these things. And fell out with the in-laws over feeling they was not listening and going against what I wanted to do. I had an abusive family of my own, and felt that I was in this situation where no one took me seriously or respected my wishes that I was doing everything by the book so I wasn’t repeating history.
What this caused in the long run was falling out with in-laws, breaking down my childrens family bonds with them, and then my deepest regret of pushing them away and falling out with them. They only wanted to love and bond with her they didn’t want to hurt her, they had been there before and knew what to do. And I destroyed that by wanting everything by the book, but in reality with kids, nothing is by the book, and that is ok, life isn’t followed by a book. Every child is different. And they do need to have a close bond with all their family, dads side is as important as mums. And at some point you are going to want to go out and have a break a night out and baby sitters are expensive and tbh they don’t know your child as well as their family.
i know this is your first baby and I know how strong emotions of doing everything right and perfect, but life really doesn’t work like that and taht will burn you out.
kissing new norms on the face I still don’t agree with, kiss them on the head, smell the new baby smell, but by your babies age, it’s time to let her experience the love of her family and a kiss on the cheek, (never keen kissing my own on lips,it’s a bit weird to me but not everyone and that is ok to) but let her and family experience the joy a baby brings, this baby stage only last a year then you have a toddler who will be into everything and have a little strong personality of their own formed. It will be hard first kid always is because biggest responsibility you or any mum has ever had. You got this and it’s ok to not go by book or not to be overly worried by germs. This stage you want germs to build them up xx

Timeforredwine · 02/11/2022 23:34

Ive only scrolled page 1 so far but as far as im aware, while you dont want to take affection away from a baby, i was under the impression that certainly for newborns upto 3 months that new guidelines 2022 given by health visitors and midwifes themselves were to be cautious about kissing babies faces etc, so im not sure why you are receiving, certainly from the page i have read so far, quite a hard time, for a genuine question. Do what you feel is right for your child throughout their life.

Kite22 · 02/11/2022 23:53

You're the mum. Why is no-one listening to you?

Because, in this case, the Mum's thinking is very left field, and the little baby and all the extended family are missing out.
Many people will be understanding that a first time Mum's hormones and inexperience can make them make some strange decisions in the first few days or even weeks, but this little one is 5 months old.

underneaththeash · 02/11/2022 23:57

Mosik · 02/11/2022 14:32

Unless they have a cold sore YABU.

Issue is that you can be infectious with a cold sore for 24 hrs before the actual sore.

DH nor I have ever kissed our children on the lips as we both have recurrent cold sores (and they likely have one if the genes for that too). None of our family have either when we explained why.

Pumpkindoodles · 03/11/2022 00:07

I don’t agree with your rule, but also it doesn’t matter
she’s your child and it’s your decision
if someone told me not to kiss their baby I just wouldn’t kiss their baby
i wouldn’t make a point to sneakily do it. If I did it without thinking and they asked again I’d be extra careful to not forget
i hate that spiteful ignoring or parental requests. Dh needs to back you up publicly and have a private conversation with you if he disagrees.

CheesyBeans1 · 03/11/2022 00:53

I hear what you are saying, people are germy fuckers. But babies are little demanding love gods and our basis instinct is to worship their slimy fat tiny faces. Accept peoples disgusting germs and they will give your child future immunity.

CheesyBeans1 · 03/11/2022 00:54

Also, when I see a fat baby cheek, can't stop myself 💞💞

Scottishskifun · 03/11/2022 01:02

I thought you were being unreasonable til I read you suffer from coldsores which can be very serious in babies as I'm sure your aware and then it becomes natural instinct as you know how serious it can be.

I would probably explain it to family a bit better that it is extremely serious hence you don't kiss her when you have one and that's why you request the same from family. But she is also getting to a point where she will start doing multiple things anyway my 8 month old loves to suckered onto people's chin for example!

Side note makensure your using barrier patches when they appear as with bf she is also getting to point where she will stick her hands everywhere including in your mouth when feeding.

Liorae · 03/11/2022 01:06

Ridiculous overreaction.

VeronicaFranklin · 03/11/2022 02:14

You are not overreacting, it is RSV season, not to mention Norovirus, Covid, hand foot and mouth...
Kissing a baby on the lips/face is totally unacceptable.

I have same issue with my husbands family, my sil tells her kids to kiss my baby (also 5 months) on the lips when they say bye, i politely say blow a kiss or give a hug. I've told my husband it needs to be spoken about, no offence but her two kids are always full of cold and snotty, why would she tell them to kiss a baby whose immune system isn't yet robust enough to fight off a common cold! This is one of my pet hates!

VeronicaFranklin · 03/11/2022 02:18

I'm totally shocked at the number of people saying you're being unreasonable.

My niece was born premature, now every time she gets a cold it results in a hospital stay so winter months are massively anxiety inducing for her mum and dad... Kissing people's babies is totally unreasonable, you don't know their circumstances whether they are vulnerable or not. But technically all babies are vulnerable to some extent so we must practice common sense.

sunglassesonthetable · 03/11/2022 02:43

Your baby so you call the shots.

But with respect I think you are a bit off here.

Kissing is love and affection. Your family and your in laws want to shower your baby with it . They love the bones of her no doubt. Let them. It is your daughter who will benefit the most. Imagine if they didn't want to kiss her, what a dry cold relationship that would be. Would you prefer it?

Cold sores aside, it is better for her health to be physically interacting with other humans. It will benefit her immune system. You do her more harm keeping her in a sterile bubble.

Personally I think you will look back on this in years to come and cringe a bit. It comes across as over controlling. I wonder if it seems a bit from the fact you have cold sores and can't freely kiss her yourself. I don't mean that unkindly.

Make the most of all these people who love your daughter. It's a wonderful thing for her.

onlythreenow · 03/11/2022 03:26

What a strange life you lead

I agree - your poor child.

VeronicaFranklin · 03/11/2022 07:39

sunglassesonthetable · 03/11/2022 02:43

Your baby so you call the shots.

But with respect I think you are a bit off here.

Kissing is love and affection. Your family and your in laws want to shower your baby with it . They love the bones of her no doubt. Let them. It is your daughter who will benefit the most. Imagine if they didn't want to kiss her, what a dry cold relationship that would be. Would you prefer it?

Cold sores aside, it is better for her health to be physically interacting with other humans. It will benefit her immune system. You do her more harm keeping her in a sterile bubble.

Personally I think you will look back on this in years to come and cringe a bit. It comes across as over controlling. I wonder if it seems a bit from the fact you have cold sores and can't freely kiss her yourself. I don't mean that unkindly.

Make the most of all these people who love your daughter. It's a wonderful thing for her.

There are plenty of ways to show affection to children other than kissing them on the face doesn't mean that family member will have a 'dry cold' relationship with them! Cold sores are present unto 24 hours before they present externally and the virus lays dormant all the time if you have them..RSV, Hand foot and mouth, Common cold, flu, Covid...I could go on...

I literally am aghast at people's lack of awareness here about how risky it is to kiss someone's child especially a baby... (I work for NHS we get told all the time to tell people- do not kiss babies especially on the mouth/face!)

StampOnTheGround · 03/11/2022 07:42

I'm also having this same problem, myself and DH shower him with kisses but we are keeping it at that for now. The in laws have a weird obsession with wanting to kiss him and tbh that's probably why I'm still banning it - it's a bit weird and makes me uncomfortable! I'll try and get through winter with RSV as the obvious reason not to (not worth the risk just so fully grown adults can get their lips all over a baby) and then will have to suck it up in the spring 😂

StampOnTheGround · 03/11/2022 07:45

Also worries me people being so chill about it, as a pp said the guidance is to not kiss babies for a reason, it's not just to be mean and controlling.

sunglassesonthetable · 03/11/2022 09:57

Tbh I am "weirdly obsessed " with giving the babies in my family a kiss when I see them. Generally on the neck, head or cheek along with a hug. I don't think I would kiss them on the mouth no. It's the culture in our family to hold and hug and kiss a baby. And I see it as a positive. The family is full of robust babies and children and my own kissable babies are growing up great.

We are generally quite sensible people and don't spread cold sores, sneeze in each other's faces or lick newborns.

Had no idea " the guidance " is not to kiss babies other than your own. Well of course follow it then. Parents call.

Smiling at the poster that is literally "aghast " and listing all the dreadful things a baby can catch....