Issues with in laws over kissing our baby, am I over reacting?

[Stephanieava]

I’m having issues with my Husband & my in-laws at the moment regarding our 5 month old Daughter. I have asked since she was born that nobody please kiss her - they are absolutely welcome to love all over her with cuddles etc but just please no kissing. This obviously includes my family who have quietly grumbled about it but have respected my wishes

My Husband has also agreed with it… up until she got to 12 weeks old. Since then it has become quite the issue

The problem comes with his side of the family, who seem almost hell bent on planting their lips on her whenever they can & whenever my back is turned. They have loudly brought it up in the past that they don’t agree with the ‘no kissing rule’ & my Husband hasn’t particularly stood up for it, leaving me to be the bad guy. The horrible daughter in law, which i try so hard not to be!

The whole situation thoroughly upsets me - i’ve seen many stories where kissing a baby has passed on nasties from the adult, I barely even kiss her myself! Her health is my priority. And the fact that I’m receiving no support on it…. Am I over reacting? Is 5 months now old enough for other people to start kissing her?

I’m just so fed up & overwhelmed with the disagreements over it. Should I stick to my guns or am I being silly because she’s old enough now, which my Husband thinks!

Thank you x

@Somuchgoo my husband isnt banned from kissing his daughter, i would have zero right to do that, nor would i want to! He loves on her 24/7, as do i. I just can’t kiss her a lot myself due to suffering with horrendous cold sores. She is breastfed by me & we share lots of loving bonding time despite me not being able to kiss her

How sad

Oh gosh I kiss DD2 (4mo) about 50 times a day! Those little chubby cheeks are just made for kissing. I wouldn't have a problem with family members kissing her on head etc assuming none of them were sporting a giant cold sore at the time! But none of our close family get cold sores so it's never been an issue.

If you're a cold sore sufferer take Lysine from Holland and barret every day. It's amazing and it cut my outbreaks down from once a month to once a year - if that!

This is weird and doesn't bode well for the future.

I bet you're going to freak if she comes home from nursery with a bruise or splash of paint on her top or tries to jump in a puddle.

OP, you've got a case of PFB. It will pass. Blow 200 raspberries on her belly and you'll probably recover.

As someone who grew up with cold sores due to my great aunt kissing me as a newborn even I think you’re being slightly unreasonable. Fair enough if they are unwell or have a history of cold sores or similar but if they’re family and in good health then I don’t see why you would have a problem. That said, your in laws should respect your wishes even if they don’t agree with it.

Wait, what?

I think you are a lovey, caring mother trying to do the very best for your baby. I can see the strength of the love and care in your post. Don’t listen to the rude comments. But honestly, it truly is ok for close family to kiss her, nothing bad will come of it. It’s completely natural and an excellent thing for her immune system. You need to relax about this. Trying to bring up children in a ‘sterile’ environment and to have an excessive fear of germs is actually harmful, in a lot of ways.

I can (sort of!) understand a no kissing rule for your baby as a newborn (altho honestly applying that to such close family is beyond me) but you’re being daft at the age she is now. They shove everything and anything in their mouths, what’s a kiss (or ten!) from nana, who is otherwise in good health?!

I don't understand why you don't want them to kiss her. If they had a cold or another virus I understand but if they are well what is the problem? You sound as though you are suffering from anxiety.
I don't think it is healthy for your child to be so over protected

I think it's weird to not allow family to
Kiss a baby.

I think you are overreacting a and I suspect your DH does too

Sorry but you're depriving your baby by not allowing this

Are you worried about cold sores (herpes) which I understand. If that is it you are right to say no kisses on or near the mouth, the lips aren't strong skin and that's how cold sores pass but on unbroken normal skin it is fine.

Don't take any notice if people say they've never had cold sores, you can be carrying the virus and never have an outbreak but pass it on.

I caught cold sores when I was about 3, strangely 66 years later the resulting pain is one of my earliest memories so I absolutely sympathise about worries and I never kissed my children on the mouth. None of them have caught it from me which I am very happy about.

You are risking your baby’s health by not allowing them to kiss her. It’s important they are exposed to antigens in order to strengthen/develop a healthy immune system.
The high rate of allergies/eczema/asthma/other atopic conditions is due to the lack of exposure to normal household germs.
Even newborn babies have a great functioning immune system which it is important to stimulate to develop further.

I've had a lifetime of cold sores due to a close family member kissing me when I was 3. I don't seem to deal with the virus very well and some years I've had six or 7 outbreaks and I'm not talking about a small sore on the corner of my mouth but huge outbreaks. I get them up my nose and in my mouth as well as on my face and I have scars on my face from them. Are you sure nothing bad will come of it?

I too have had a lifetime of cold sores also up my nose and on my face. My top lip doubled in size once. I did kiss my children but if I had any tingling or inclination that a cold sore was imminent I kept them at arms length. Like you I have scarring and I’m also very happy that my children have never caught them from me. Growing up it was horrible going to school with them and into work the first time. Having someone call across the office “you’ve got something on your face” (bitch) was a real low. Some people get an occasional little scab, others it’s terrible and they make your life a misery.

Yes it is easy to minimise isn't it. Being a teenager was fun, if I was going out somewhere special you can bet I had an outbreak. The bitch I worked with was the one who announced to the office that I had herpes which lots of people think of as the genital type.

I always avoided kissing them on the mouth as you can be shedding virus even without an outbreak although like you I did definitely get the warning.

Fictional Character has a point here, regarding they are all making a point of defying OP... and her DH ought to back her up a bit more since its really worrying her.

With the recent pandemic, and Having so many outbreaks of cold sores herself since her DD was born, it's not surprising that she's sensitive to it and feeling protective. That's not something that relatives should be ignoring or ridiculing.

She's already said several times that her DD gets plenty of love and affection.

OP just needs a chat with her health visitor to either put her mind at rest or to confirm her doubts and advise the best course of action.

There seems to be a lot of evidence that babies born during lockdown suffer more from infections and viruses than those not born at that time. It’s certainly true for my granddaughter! Babies build up their immunity from being exposed to possible infections and viruses. Shielding from these can have a negative impact on their immune system.

I'm going to go completely against the grain here and say I agree with you! I would say kissing on their head (hair line/hair area) is fine so long as they are well and no cold sores etc, especially as no longer newborn, but I think kissing the lips is a massive no-no (I think most agree) as is kissing their face! Their cheeks are so small that a 'kiss on the check' quickly ends up being a kiss right next to their eyes which is definitely a risk for herpes virus. Also just way too close right in their face and not really needed. Covid, RSV etc, all going round in winter and just not needed to be that close to your child's face! Not everyone is aware that they have a cold sore brewing either, which of course applies even to parents but I think mum and dad kissing their child is worth a gamble as it's so important (and I know I would be so cautious so I trust myself and my husband but that's it!)

Also regardless of whether your in laws think your 100% wrong, they should be far more respectful of boundaries that you have set and your husband should be backing you all the way. There will many more things along the way that you say that they will need to respect in terms of parenting choices etc and it needs to be clear from the beginning that you are the parent and they need to respect your decisions even if they don't agree with them!

Regardless of whether anyone thinks you are right or wrong about the kissing, you as a mother have asked them not to do something so they should be following your requests. They do t get to make decisions for your baby, you do, I'd make a point of taking her back if you see them kissing her until their get the point

Absolutely this!
the worst part of this is that they are blatantly ignoring your request

Actually I disagree. The baby has TWO EQUAL parents. So if dad is cool with his family kissing baby then that's his call.
You can obviously call the shots with your family .

However . I mean this kindly. Do you think the fact that your cold sore out break and having to be careful with kissing her yourself may have made you a bit envious when others do it ?

Please try and relax. I know it's easier said than done.. but without doubt the the very very best thing for any child is having parents and extended family who adore her .

YABU - I came on this thread thinking you were going to be talking about kissing a baby on the lips which I have a massive problem with as an FTM of a 3 mth old …. But just kissing her in general on the head on the cheek YABVU your DC is about to put all types of weird things in their mouth as they learn about the world a kiss on the head or cheek from family ( without cold sores/colds/flus etc etc ) will be the least problem