My toddler attacked me today

[Endofoctober]

I am really very worried that my toddler (2 in December) has a disability of some sort - no idea what. To be honest the only time I’ve come across this is in books like we need to talk about Kevin or similar - I’m obviously not saying he’s like that, but honestly his aggression is quite over the top sometimes.

So today for instance I took him away from a soft play park to change his nappy, he did the arched back and screaming, I was carrying him and he yanked at my hair (pulled out quite a lot) hit me and grabbed my face/neck and twisted the skin. The hitting I could kind of overlook but the other two things just seem so spiteful and cruel, somehow. Like he’s trying really hard ti cause pain.

He used to do it all the time and then stopped and I thought it was just a phase. Also used to hit and bite and scratch other children. This also mostly seems to have stopped but not always.

But I struggle to control him. Things that should be straightforward enough aren’t; fighting about the car seat or pushchair or high chair. He doesn’t respond to no. He trashes the house

Other things that are a bit worrying is his language seems miles behind children his age, he doesn’t do things like mime actions to nursery rhymes or songs - I know he can but he won’t. He seems very intense and serious around others but is very smiley around me.

I don’t know if I’m making something out of nothing but today has shaken me a bit.

Poor you! I think you’re jumping to conclusions with the disability thing though - some kids are just more angry/manipulative etc than others. If he can’t talk very well that’s probably exacerbating things as he can’t tell you what’s making him cross. Hopefully somebody will be along soon with some specific advice x

He is a baby experiencing big emotions that he doesn't know how to deal with.
I'd say it's fairly normal
He will have no idea he's grabbing and hurting you. I don't think a child that little can be spiteful ?

@Cuppasoupmonster - thanks, I really hope you’re right. I go through stages where I think I’m being ridiculous and stages where I do feel like he’s very, very different to children his age.

@myexisawanker yes - that is why I qualified that remark with ‘seems so spiteful and cruel’ - it feels it, it feels as if he’s really trying to hurt rather than just lashing out. That’s why it upsets me so. But I’m also very mindful of the fact that that’s a projection of feelings.

Talk to nursery and gauge their opinion. You could keep note of examples of behaviour that worry you and use that as something to remind you when you discuss with health visitor. I take it you are giving him warnings/countdowns before transitions like away from play and over to nappy, that really helps my little girl. Immediate consequences for bad behaviour, time out if needed etc.

OP, your description reminds me of my little boy. He is autistic. Obviously I can't diagnose your child but possibly something to explore? The not copying, mimicking and hand actions alongside speech delay are quite a red flag for it.

You're reacting to his behaviour as though he were a much older child. He can't be "spiteful". Be very careful not to react back at him as you might an older child. He's just a toddler, a vulnerable toddler.

My kids are 6 and 4. They were both exactly like this and grew out of it. Its totally normal toddler behaviour.

I can sympathise. Mine has mostly outgrown this but transitions can be a huge wrench at times.

First, get his hearing checked to make sure there are no issues there. Second, ask HV for help and support.

And finally, give plenty of warning for transitions. Even if it means he sits in a poopy nappy for a few more minutes. Tell him 'we're going to change your nappy when... ' (if you have a visual timer like a sand timer, use that) and give a reminder shortly before - when X, we are going to change you.

Same for things like going in the car seat and pushchair where practical.

You might feel daft talking through 'we're going to x and y, then back in the pushchair. We're going to y, then you're back in the pushchair. Now we've done y, back in the pushchair' but it's about building routine and expectation for your son. But definitely seek help from HV, GP as even if there is nothing going on like autism, they can support you with other strategies or if there are other needs at play.

I’m not @BeanyBops , no. He doesn’t understand.

I’m not going to keep explaining the spiteful comment. I clearly said it’s how it seems - feels - not how it is.

It’s reassuring other children have behaved like this because I don’t see any other children do it. My friends children mostly seem well behaved.

Many children do not respond to "No" or "Don' t" you have to phrase it as a positive action otherwise they literally just hear "Jump on the sofa" instead of "Don't jump on the sofa", what would be better would be "Keep your feet on the floor" and then a distraction and positive praise.

He won't be purposefully trying to cause you pain but just getting bigger and stronger so what didn't hurt now does. Although you have my full sympathies DD was always fairly well behaved but did go through a phase of refusing her buggy and I didn't drive so it was a necessity. We had many arched back tantrums and she has always been in the 99th centil for height and similar range for weight so it was always a bit of a struggle.

In terms of language, some children take longer to acquire language than others try including sign language either Makaton (like Mr Tumble) , BSL, your own signs you make up or a mixture of all three, loads of videos on YouTube, tiny talk or sing and sign classes or Mr Tumble on cbeebies. Being able to communicate massively decreases frustration in young children.

If he trashes the house then move everything possible out if his reach minimising the destruction he can do. All behaviour is communication and he sounds like a very frustrated child. Look into early years schemas and find what he most identifies with, if he is a thrower then there are plenty of indoor snowballs available at the minute and won't cause any damage etc

Yeah I’ve tried signing but he doesn’t take to it really -
possible we haven’t done it consistently enough.

Mine is neurodivergent and he doesn't do this very often (he has viciously attacked me twice aged 2, both in the same week, then never again) so it's not always true that this sort of behaviour is indicative of ND (ASD/ADHD/OCD etc) or that being ND means you're more prone to attacking people or being violent.

Having said that, don't dismiss your gut instinct because you know your child better than us randoms online. If you're seeing lots of other signs bring it up at the two year check and see if the HV or GP can refer you for further investigation.

What was your reaction to his violence?

My autistic boy was similar, he wasn't diagnosed until 4 and I wish we'd had him assessed sooner. But, 2 is probably too young - as you can see from other posters, many neurotypical toddlers can behave this way too. Definitely listen to nursery/any other settings he's in for the next few years - in my case they had gently tried to suggest an assessment for a long time before I pursued it. They will see him with other children and let you know if they think there's something worth exploring. Try not to worry too much in the meantime, all 2 year olds are hard work!

What should it have been - genuinely? Because I have no idea. Everything I thought I knew about children has vanished. I thought I’d be a good parent and I’m not.

You description sounds like my son at that age. I knew something was amis and it very much came to light at his 2 year review. He’s now 2.5 and already been seen by paeds at our local hospital and well on his way to an autism diagnosis.

That doesn’t mean your son is autistic. Just something to keep in mind. What I will say is the 2-3 stage I think it suddenly becomes much more clear if things aren’t neurotypical. Under 2 it’s incredibly difficult to be sure.

I'm sure things aren't the same in every school but out of each class of 30 there will be several children with ASD, ADHD, executive functioning difficulties, speech and communication difficulties, working memory issues, processing problems, sensory seekers and avoiders not to mention dyslexia, dyscalculia etc etc. At some point all of these children were toddlers trying to make sense of the world and many don't get a diagnosis until they reach High school.

So whilst he may not have any conditions it also wouldn't do any harm to look into various parenting strategies for children who are neuro diverse etc as they might help anyway. Things like picture cards for routines to give structure, social stories etc, kits from specialist providers tend to be £££ but there are some hand made ones on etsy which are much cheaper that you could try.

Look at pinch points in the day, maybe keep a note on your phone when things flare up. Do tantrums always happen in the afternoon? If so get all your 'doing' out of the way in the morning and use afternoons as quiet times. Do tantrums always happen after or whilst somewhere with high sensory input such as soft play, supermarket, fast food restaurant?

I know this sounds weird so bear with me. With 'violence' from small children I use some of the techniques I learned working in quite scary places (prisons etc.). For example, if he grabs your hair you don't pull you push. You kind of push his fist into your head. Not to hurt him but to remove the pain, discourage the pulling and make him stop.

DD was very strong and had a small amount of similar behaviour. She is ND though. I though maybe ASD for a while but actually ADHD.

I have never met a 2 year old who would be thrilled to swap playing for a nappy change!

if you look at it from a distance you plucking him out of his play to do something you wanted to do without warning or agreement is quite abrupt in itself and a tantrum or screaming could reasonably be expected.

The pinching and hair pulling is horrible
to experience but likely you just need strategies rather than a diagnosis.

I would suggest thinking about communicating with him, signing, signalling with actions or transitional toy / object might help.

For example taking the nappy bag to him and making it fun to look inside and there will be something he likes in there and can carry for you to the changing room or something.

Someone else will help more I’m sure x

Does he go to preschool/nursery etc?

I think the bit about his speech probably explains a lot about his actions. He is communicating and expressing himself with actions rather than words.

You have a concern and it's important you follow up on it.

You may be able to get advice on different tactics to use.

All behaviour is communication. He is trying to communicate something here. Figuring out what it is can be hard!

My eldest broke my nose when he was a toddler. He was having a meltdown (he's autistic) and I was holding him but I forgot to tuck my head down so he threw his head back smack into my face and broke my nose. He was in complete sensory overload and unable to cope.

My friend's daughter was like this - my friend described it but I didn't understand the ferocity until I saw it, and I was very shocked to be honest. But it was a phase that passed and she is a very bright and happy little girl at 7.

In her case it always came down to tiredness, over-excitement and being told "No". She went off like a bomb and literally attacked her mother.

At 2 they won’t really understand they are hurting you. Some kids have much bigger emotions than others and they all go through different stages, you just haven’t seen other kids at their worst! This isn’t your fault.

I would try to explain - ‘Stop, it hurts me’, or after the meltdown ’That hurt mummy’ even if it is a bit early to really get it, you can build on it over time.

With signing choose one sign at a time and e to it every time you say the word once he starts doing it back move on to the next one.

Key ones I'd start with
Food = move hand towards mouth in eating action
Drink = move hand towards mouth in a drinking action
Sleep = two hands under head
Home = hands with middle fingers touching but palms apart like a roof

It’s very hard to know. There is a huge grey space between not thrilled and the level of physical hurting from today. He used to hit a lot more but it stopped, I’m so worried it’s starting again as it’s horrible.