My toddler attacked me today

[Endofoctober]

I am really very worried that my toddler (2 in December) has a disability of some sort - no idea what. To be honest the only time I’ve come across this is in books like we need to talk about Kevin or similar - I’m obviously not saying he’s like that, but honestly his aggression is quite over the top sometimes.

So today for instance I took him away from a soft play park to change his nappy, he did the arched back and screaming, I was carrying him and he yanked at my hair (pulled out quite a lot) hit me and grabbed my face/neck and twisted the skin. The hitting I could kind of overlook but the other two things just seem so spiteful and cruel, somehow. Like he’s trying really hard ti cause pain.

He used to do it all the time and then stopped and I thought it was just a phase. Also used to hit and bite and scratch other children. This also mostly seems to have stopped but not always.

But I struggle to control him. Things that should be straightforward enough aren’t; fighting about the car seat or pushchair or high chair. He doesn’t respond to no. He trashes the house

Other things that are a bit worrying is his language seems miles behind children his age, he doesn’t do things like mime actions to nursery rhymes or songs - I know he can but he won’t. He seems very intense and serious around others but is very smiley around me.

I don’t know if I’m making something out of nothing but today has shaken me a bit.

Being behind with his language is probably why he's acting out, he's frustrated at not being able to express himself so this is how he gets your attention! My DD was the same at times, the strength of a toddler cannot be underestimated!

We signed up for a sing and sign class to learn BSL/makaton and it brought speech on much quicker but the best part was easing frustration in the meantime.

I found 'the book you wish your parents had read' really useful, lots of others rave about 'how to talk so little kids listen'

Hi op. Funnily enough I was going to post this exact thread tonight.

Like others have said, it could be typical toddler behaviour or it could be more. Use your instinct. A parent knows.

My advice is if you have concerns you need to fight to be heard. My boy is nearly six and attacks me daily. He's getting strong now. He still isn't diagnosed and is 2 months into an 18 wait for an autism assessment.

Also, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my eldest boy. However my NT boy who is 12 months younger I can parent effectively- like a normal parent. You aren't a bad parent, you have a challenging situation

How to talk so little kids will listen is still aimed at a much older age group though - I looked at it once before and it seems very much 4-6, maybe 3 at a push but not not-quite-2.

I veer between something is definitely horribly wrong and nothing is wrong. So for instance today, he was so tired and probably over stimulated … but I still don’t know any other toddlers who try to beat up their mothers

DD was very like this aged 2 and 3-she would really go for me, biting, scratching, hitting, etc. She was like a little demon when she got worked up and I found it so upsetting as it was mostly targeted at me. She was a little behind with her speech as well. Shes 4.5 and we do still occasionally have difficulty with her hitting out in tempter but she’s a lot lot better.

Honestly, at that age you just don't know. Loads of toddlers behave like that sometimes. Mine have, and loads of my friends' have. I wouldn't start freaking out. Just keep reinforcing boundaries and rules etc.

I have 3 children. You have just described my son (middle child) when he was 2. I used to sit and cry constantly. I got to a point where I did not know what to do! I just tried to positively correct his behaviour as much as possible and understand that it was just really an emotional overload that he couldn't properly communicate to me yet. Harder said than done I know. Occasionally I had to remove myself from the situation just to breathe. He's 4 now and honestly still a nightmare BUT he understands what he is doing is wrong and is the most loving boy otherwise, he still just struggles with his emotions sometimes. It does get easier!

My youngest 18m is now starting the exact same thing and keeps smacking me but I'm trying to nip it in the bud quickly! When she hits me I just take her hand and place it where she has hit me and rub it gently and say "kind hands". And then distract her. This seemed to work with my son!

But seriously my son was horrific but you will get there. Just keep correcting the behaviour with "kind hands". If its a full blown meltdown put them in a safe place and let them lash it out and give yourself a minute if you need to.

There’s a ‘How to talk . . ‘ book aimed at younger children/toddlers so worth having a look for.

is there a child psychologist that you could book an appointment with? We had one attached to the nursery (provided by council I think) and the hour I spent talking to her was incredibly useful.

I'm reading hiw to talk to little kids for my 18mo. It still applies...they can't talk but they can understand, 90% more of what they actually say.
I use the same phrases, like "nappy then play," "nappy then park " "nappy then lunch", really simple basic phrases, 3 words max...
Mine like to play with a small toy or book whilst being changed, so I say "choose toy for nappy change " "choose book for nappy" etc...

My eldest didn't speak until 3 (very prem). She was the most terrible biter- drew blood.

The speech therapist recommended Makaton- she said she was just so frustrated at not being able to communicate. We started with Mr. Tumble (Something Special) and worked our way up. It was so, so helpful and the biting gradually stopped.

What you describe I never had with DS. Your child is very young for that type of behaviour although they don't understand fully they do know it's wrong at 2 years old.

Hair yanking sounds really extreme. Did you tell them off OP?

No, for the same reason that the how to talk book isn’t helpful … they can’t even hear me mid meltdown.

My son does this daily, about 15x a day in fact. He is autistic and non verbal nearly 4.

This alone isn't a sign of anything OP. Focus on giving him other sensory output, pulling, pushing, climbing, if he needs to slap etc get a bouncy ball.

I know it's so hard and I'm not an expert clearly as I can't stop my son but be clear, firm, calm

To be honest the only time I’ve come across this is in books like we need to talk about Kevin or similar

What is ‘we need to talk about Kevin?’

I never found that "How to talk" book any good at any age. I think when they are still very young (and 2 is very young) it is just a case of lifting them up and outside sideways under your arm, faced out so their legs and fists can't do any damage. If you have a hair grabber, you watch the hands.

I really think it is worth saying that the most savage toddlers I knew have not turned out to have special needs, although they are not quiet or docile children. The children who have special needs did not throw especially violent tantrums, although the triggers might be different and harder to understand.

It makes me sad to see that some posters on here describe a 2 year old as manipulative :(

he cannot regulate his emotions. He doesn’t have the brain capacity to be manipulative. Don’t get me wrong I imagine what happened was horrible for you, but (please don’t take this as a criticism!) he’s 2 years old having a lovely time playing then all of a sudden he’s turfed away to have his bum changed - never going to go down well!! I personally would’ve said ‘okay, you need a nappy change, you can have 5 more minutes then we’ll need to change you but we will then come back to playing’ and then remind him at 2 minutes and then 30 seconds etc. he then has 5 whole minutes to get his head around it that way.

some kids do leap to the anger quicker than others, same as adults. I don’t think there’s any disability (obviously I don’t know) but perhaps give him a timing to get his head around what’s about t9 happen

I guess it's like if you were happily scrolling mumsnet or reading a good book and then your husband picks you up and sets you down in front of the kitchen sink.

Like yeah you know the dishes needed doing but it's still really upsetting to be moved away from something fun with no warning! It would be more worrying if he happily went I think...

Anyway, my third child cosleeps and is currently in a stage of grabbing my hair as hard as he can to get me to turn over in the middle of the night. They really can't figure out that their actions have consequences for ages. See also: when a child misbehaves and gives you a smile that you think is a smirk and then it engrages you, it turns out that up to age seven kids do that because they think smiling will make you happy, not because they've got "one over" on you. I only learned that one recently.

A book about a boy who grows up a psychopath. He doesn’t attack his mum though or show any signs of violence so not a good comparison

Things like picture cards for routines to give structure

These and many more for a selsction of ages are available fre from Twinkl

www.twinkl.co.uk/resources/home-early-years/home-early-years-birth-to-twos

Actually he does @Cuppasoupmonster but let’s not … I don’t like it when posters bark at someone to google something but in that case …

He doesn’t understand the concept of minutes. I did give him advance warning that we were going (and it was a timed activity so we really did have to anyway) but it didn’t make any difference. Saying two minutes doesn’t help.

He isn’t normally that bad. But he was pulling on my hair and pulling at the skin on my face because he was angry. He was wanting to hurt. That’s what worried me .

@Endofoctober just because he doesn’t understand something now it doesn’t mean you can’t do it. If you get a sand timer and keep telling him ‘when the sand runs out we’re going to do xyz’ he will get it very quickly.

Likewise the not telling him off for pulling your hair - he doesn’t understand that it hurts you now, but he will start to understand if you keep talking to him.

It doesn’t sound like you’re a bad mum, so give yourself a break - toddlers can be bloody hard work. However it does sound like you might need to give him more credit for what he can understand - just because he can’t talk doesnt mean he can’t understand you.

Did you warn him about nappy change when he was engrossed in play or just take him? I try to give my 2 year old warning re anthring that could potentially be a tantrum so at playgroup I'll say it's nearly time to go as 'x' is cleaning up and closing and going home ' , the tv is going off at the next advert then we are going for a bath ' it stops ALOT of meltdowns here

I am sure there are things I could do better but the post is about him really and about my worries that he is different to other children.

He might be ‘different’ and he might not - they are all different though, whether they have a label or not. I’ve got 3 kids, one has a label and two don’t. Two were nightmare toddlers (nd + nt, both boys) and the nt girl was a breeze.

it’s worth bearing in mind though, that even if he eventually gets a diagnosis for something, it doesn’t solve your problems. You get a letter saying yes little Jimmy is autistic and that’s the end of it - there’s no support, you just have to parent your way through it. So it’s worth trying some of the strategies that have been suggested, because they will probably help whether he is neurodiverse or not.

When you use phrases like he wants to hurt me etc, it’s a bit of a double take moment as you’re almost equating his emotional intelligence with yours.

So the first question for me is, are you ok generally? How are you coping with motherhood? Are you getting enough rest and breaks?

Second of all - I would suggest keeping a diary of behaviour to see what triggers there are. You’ve said yourself he was tired and overstimulated- well that’s a massive deal for a toddler. So I can well imagine him acting that way as a result!

When my DS was a toddler (and DD, but I was more relaxed by my second child), I spent a lot of time thinking ahead. Making sure he was well fed (always had snacks), we had a good routine, I had exit routes planned and distraction techniques galore. Plus kept language short and sharp and did sign language too.

He kicked off when he was tired/hungry.

When my youngest was the same age as him, I realised I had way too high expectations of him and felt a bit guilt about it but at the time I didn’t know as he was the only child I had.

I know that @MakeWayMoana but the worry is if I have caused this in some way, something I should have done and didn’t or similar.

@Believeitornot I’ll be honest here, it’s really depressing not being able to say this happened and this is how I felt about it without people jumping on it. Can’t I just be upset about it?

He was tired. He was also hungry (one of the reasons I was taking him was to get lunch.) But all children get tired and hungry. They don’t all react like that. This is what I’m trying to ask.