My toddler attacked me today

[Endofoctober]

I am really very worried that my toddler (2 in December) has a disability of some sort - no idea what. To be honest the only time I’ve come across this is in books like we need to talk about Kevin or similar - I’m obviously not saying he’s like that, but honestly his aggression is quite over the top sometimes.

So today for instance I took him away from a soft play park to change his nappy, he did the arched back and screaming, I was carrying him and he yanked at my hair (pulled out quite a lot) hit me and grabbed my face/neck and twisted the skin. The hitting I could kind of overlook but the other two things just seem so spiteful and cruel, somehow. Like he’s trying really hard ti cause pain.

He used to do it all the time and then stopped and I thought it was just a phase. Also used to hit and bite and scratch other children. This also mostly seems to have stopped but not always.

But I struggle to control him. Things that should be straightforward enough aren’t; fighting about the car seat or pushchair or high chair. He doesn’t respond to no. He trashes the house

Other things that are a bit worrying is his language seems miles behind children his age, he doesn’t do things like mime actions to nursery rhymes or songs - I know he can but he won’t. He seems very intense and serious around others but is very smiley around me.

I don’t know if I’m making something out of nothing but today has shaken me a bit.

You’re totally allowed to be upset about it. I don’t think anyone means to jump on you, just trying to offer advice for next time.

Dont start questioning what you could have done differently, you can’t go backwards - believe me, I’ve been there and it almost sent me over the edge. Is my son autistic because I was too stressed in pregnancy, because I had PND, because I moved areas so he changed nursery at 2, because because because. It’s hard enough without trying to find a way to blame yourself.

You are right that not all toddlers act like that, but some definitely do - and most of them do occasionally, and like you’ve said it’s not every time. Maybe try and remember the times when he has behaved well lately to take your mind away from focussing on this one rubbish play date.

It is hard, and I think most posters are coming from a sympathetic place rather than a judgy one (although it is mumsnet so there will be the judgy ones too!)

I don’t mind being offered advice, it’s the ‘oh my god I can’t believe you thought your toddler was trying to hurt you, you must be mentally unbalanced’ responses which are really unhelpful - to the point I don’t think we are going to be able to discuss DS and instead the focus is on me, so I think the thread is best left now TBH. I might name change and try again in a few days.

I don’t think you’re mentally unbalanced 😂 saying that he was trying to hurt you rather than some new age interpretation of he was communicating his feelings in an undesirable way or something makes much more sense - if he’s yanking your hair, he’s hurting you!

Fair enough to leave the thread - just remember that it’s not something you’ve done, it sounds like you love him and are trying your best and that’s all we can do. He’s very little so sounds like his behaviour is in the realms of normal, if at the extreme end of the normal scale.

Does your DS go to nursey OP? Have you explored your concerns with them if he does? He will have his 2 year review coming soon, if he’s not at a nursey the HV will do so I’d deffo raise your concerns there. In terms of speech if there is a speech and language therapy need the sooner it’s on top of the better. Can you ring your HV tomorrow?

I mean for what it's work soft plays seem to bring out the worst in all the kids. They are very exciting loud places, kids quickly get disregulated in there and struggle to behave as they usually would. Sorry you are having a tough time at the moment xx

I have a son on the more severe end of the autistic spectrum who has always been really gentle and non agressive so I would not automatically equate the behaviours you are seeing with autism.

The main red flags for me would be the lack of imitation, my son would never sign becuase he was not able to imitate others actions. At 2 we were told to do abc charts - antecedent, consequence behaviour and to try to work out what triggers were for negative behaviour and aviod them and immediately reiforce anything positive with things my son enjoyed. If transitions are difficult rather than doing verbal warnings how about showing a picture of what comes next. I would also suggest using pecs rather than signing if your son is not copying actions. You could introduce this with food and give him a few food options to choose from. This is also a good way to teach pointing if he is struggling with this. With my son everything had to be taught as he didn't learn anything from watching others.

@Endofoctober I don't think anyone has said you are mentally unbalanced for thinking he is trying to hurt you, toddlers can be strong and it does hurt.

You are right that this thread was about him not you but it really is far too early to get him diagnosed with anything, although absolutely flag it. The best you can do is manage this challenging behaviour in some of the ways suggested until you have enough evidence or he is old enough to get a proper diagnosis - and for some children that does not happen until High school as they learn coping strategies and mask well in Primary school and then the unpredictability of the secondary school day makes their difference more pronounced.

I hope you and your son have a nice day.

With kindness OP, you are projecting (and understandably so, it does feel very unpleasant to nurture our children and then be physically hurt by them) but your mindset here isn't helpful. I don't think PPs are trying to suggest you're unbalanced or anything!

He doesn't 'beat up his mother' or 'want to cause pain/hurt'. He isn't capable of making that connection. By saying these things, even to yourself, you're assigning him adult feelings and hurting yourself in the process.

He's not capable of causing deliberate pain. He's lashing out in frustration (as they all do at times), not deliberately setting out to hurt you. You do need to change your mindset and let these things wash over you.

To be honest OP he sounds quite normal to me. It's a phase and will likely pass when he starts developing more language. I think they all go through this to a certain extent - mine certainly did (I've been bitten and hit many a time) but doesn't any longer and is NT as far as I know. Stopped about the point that they could speak in short sentences.

Be kind to yourself! Your DC loves you. You've done nothing wrong and they don't want to hurt you

@Endofoctober I don't know if you'll see this if you've left the thread but DS was very similar until his speech improved. I do think it's a lot to do with not being able to express themselves. DS is nearly 3 and his language skills just seemed to get much better almost overnight, now that he can actually voice what's upsetting him the physical expressions have much improved.

OP honestly I totally get it. My son is a joyful soul but he has this temper, he looks at me dead in the eye and punches or grabs my hair. I have cried and though oh my god am I raising a psychopath. I have been so scared about it. But I think I've learnt that his lashing out is a pure form of frustration. Tbh we probably all have this. I am "his person" so he takes it out on me. But I know this won't be forever.

I work with non verbal autistic children and when they lash out it isn't spite - sometimes they're overwhelmed, sometimes they're angry that they can't or are not allowed to have/ do something. It isn't spite though (generally they seem to forget it's happened very quickly and seek affectionate or neutral contact ten minutes later if they've had a chance to calm down).

What your son's doing could just be a 2 year old with a temporary language delay, or could be an early sign of neurodiversity, but it's impossible to say.

Is your health visitor or GP any good? If you can get an appointment where you are it would be worth a chat with him present.

Sorry. But sometimes how we are feeling as parents affects how we parent, if that makes sense and it’s a sign of needing to look after ourselves a bit more!

You poor thing, extra hard too when friends seem to have perfect babies.

When DD was a similar age I remember wondering if it was possible for a child to be feral she was so bad.

That said she wasn't a minute's trouble as a teenager and is the most calm kind and considerate adult to the extent others regularly remark on this.

She's also likely ADHD (undiagnosed) and despite the difficulties this has and does present the flip side is wonderful.

KOKO you've got this.

It's so upsetting when they hurt you, I find myself in disbelief that she could do it, even tho I know rationally she doesn't mean it in that way.

Have you tried different ways of talking to him? I found the Philippa Perry book you wish your parents had read, really helpful. And someone else has recommended how to talk to children listen.

Might help to try a different communication style to see if explaining things before you suddenly change the situation for him?

Unless you have been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour, you probably won't get it. My children both have asd and I have been similarly attacked and much worse. OP you are in that period where it could be asd or it could just be a hard to control toddler phase. However the delay in speech and the issues with copying and social behaviour are also possible indicators. I would discuss these concerns with health visitor and nursery. Find out what the pathway and wait times are for assessment in case it is needed. Look up strategies that might help and start them anyway. They can only help.

OP, my almost 4YO definitely started doing this at 2 also. He is a highly energetic child who throws a massive tantrum if he doesn't get his own way, but thankfully we have moved past the GBH stage.
Things that I have found helpful:

• as PPs have said, counting down and preparing them for what comes next helps. I struggled with how to do this until an amazing HV advised on sand timers and visual timetables. Instead of saying "in one minute" we can say "when the sand runs out" which is easy to understand. Visual timetables are used for older children with autism, but are also helpful for younger children who struggle with needing order in their day. We have a Velcro number and DS takes the tasks off and pops them into a special box when they're done. We relied heavily on these for around a month, but now only need to use them on particularly time sensitive days (hardly ever).
• talking about feelings. We have some colourful wooden peg dolls which show different feelings and a few books on the subject. Initially we spent ten minutes of quiet time every day talking about the different feelings, then whenever DS became upset or frustrated we would get the dolls out. Quite quickly this turned into just asking DS how he feels when he is mud tantrum. Helping him to identify his feelings helps him to control them. If he is angry we check if he might be tired / hungry etc.

When we started out with these suggestions I thought it was ridiculous, DS didn't understand etc etc but we were laying the groundwork for now. DS is still "spirited", stubborn and prone to tantrums but in a way that is mostly manageable. I suspect he has ADHD but that's not the end of the world.

What did you do to stop him hurting you?

The posters saying he wasn't trying to hurt you, he's too young etc and was just expressing his feelings, yes exactly- trying to express his feelings by hurting you to get a reaction.
A gentle 'please don't do that Johnny' doesn't work on all toddlers.
And posters telling op to explain why 'Johnny you can't hit mummy because it hurts', I doubt that will work on a non verbal toddler, actually any toddler inho, it's just too much od a mouthful to say to a toddler, just won't understand.
My DS bit me so hard the other day he drew blood, he immediately let out a loud OUCH, then firmly and loudly said NO we do not bite people, and put hi on the floor. Once he stopped crying he came up and gave me a cuddle. That was the first and last time he wever bit anyone.
This worked for mine, you do you but all this fluffy approach to toddlers isn't helping anyone inho sometimes they just need to be told off.

Also op, please don't be so hard on yourself I'm sure you're doing amazing and are a great mom, toddlers will try test the waters to see what they can get away with.

Yet another struggling mum chased off by people who think the anonymity of the internet means they can shame people for their totally valid feelings.

good effort folks, really nice work there.

Op if you do come back to check this I want you to know that it is normal for them to experiment with using their power in this way.

You havent fucked up and you’re not a bad mum.

we had vicious tantrums between 3-4. She was 100% deliberately hurting me to see what I would do

i also felt like I had obviously failed as a parent at that point.

me and my now ten yo get on great.

youre job here is to help him work through whatever he is working through and provide him with better tools to manage his emotions ongoingly.

And you’re right, how to talk to kids is not a
book about de-escalating. It’s about avoiding and building better strategies.

They say explicitly in the intro that all you can do once they are in that blind rage is keep them safe and wait it out.

I once the police on the phone as my small kicked puff about getting out of the car. I was parked outside my house so rather than stand there and be kicked, hit and shouted at I went inside and put the kettle on and watched from the window till she was calm. At that point she could have opened the door and come in at any time.

the police said a neighbour had reported and extremely distressed child left in a
vehicle registered to me. I explained I was watching from the window and waiting for calm as everything I tried had only escalated the violence so far and he laughed and said his kids had been the same when they were wee and it was best dealt with while they were small.

it’s not just you, I promise

Yet another struggling mum chased off by people who think the anonymity of the internet means they can shame people for their totally valid feelings.

Oh FFS that does happen but it didn't this time. Posters were helpful and kind, they were just expressing that ascribing adult feelings to children doesn't work.

Op, your child is 2. His behaviour is normal. Your reaction is not. He is not spiteful or trying to beat you up. He is 2. He is not manipulative either as a pp suggested, he is 2.he is an infant. He is a very small infant just reacting, there is no deep thought behind it. No one can say if he has additional needs or a disability but you’re a long way away from that.and his behaviour right now is not an indication of it. Kids do what he did.

if his speech is delayed what are you doing to support him?