8 year old tending to 2 year old during the night

[Bluelightlagoon]

Hello,

My daughter (8) lives with me during the week and spends time with her mum on weekends.

Today she mentioned that during the night at her mums she looks after her sister (2) as they sleep in the same room. She will awaken to her crying and bring her to the bottom bunk bed and help her back to sleep.

I asked why her mum doesn't tend to her younger sibling during the night and she said she is sleeping.

Is this a normal? I feel this is a responsibility my daughter shouldn't really be taking on but would like to know if any other parents let their children take care of their siblings in this manner.

Just for context, we have had alot of social service involvement with our children due to various concerns with their mother. So I do get concerned very easily.

Thanks in advance.

I'd like to think not normal!

No,not normal, although very sweet of your dd. I think I'd speak to her mum.

Not normal if she is expected to do it. If she know her mum won't get up so she has to.

If dd happens to wake before her mum and does it before her mum can wake up to do it herself then I guess it's ok. Obviously the mum shouldn't encourage it.

What sort of ss involvement?

I immediately felt the same and have considered raising the issue to the social workers.

Unfortunately, social care don't always see eye to eye with 'concerns' so I'd like to see other parents opinions before I act on my gut feeling.

I think it's different as they're in the same room. It's be massively weird for sisters in same room not to comfort each other? Obviously anything serious go looking for mum.

SS are involved due to a very serious incident their mother caused which endangered lives. Among many other issues.

She brings her to the bottom bunk? Does that mean a 2 year old is in the top bunk? Yes you should raise this with her mum if it’s impacting on her sleep.

I think that's lovely if it's a natural, few minute thing between 2 sisters who share a room, and the older one wants to do this.

Maybe the mum knows nothing about it.

If the older one is having to do this because mum refuses to wake up, then no.

Yes I can see how living arrangements obviously make this inevitable. I wouldn't be has concerned if their wasn't a history of issues so it does make me worry.

You have concerns so go raise them.
You're drip feeding about their mum...sounds like a custody battle.

I've already gained custody of our children through the courts. I'm not sure what you mean by drip feeding? I keep note of all concerns and if it is really concerning I report them straight away. I just don't report every little thing without gaining advice.

Why do men come onto forums largely made up of women to badmouth their exes? It makes me really uncomfortable. Im sure fathers 4 justice will validate you

Maybe mum has no idea this is happening or she just thinks aw it's cute. They get into bed together during the night. It's a problem if 1. It's because mum will not deal with the 2yr old and 2. It is a problem if it is disrupting her sleep and causing issues during the day at school (because she's tiered).
You either need to get more info out of ur 8yr old about why the 2yr old isn't going to her mum in there night or speak to the mum if possible.
My eldest wld try and do this with her sister but my youngest just screams for me in the night so it wouldn't work.

i have an 8 yo and a 5 month old, both sleep in with me (8yo out of choice) I wouldn’t dream of expecting 8 to look after. 5mo, this is not normal.

if mum isn’t waking up / being apart of this situation(you wake from the slightest sound of a baby/ infant) it sounds like she’s either too heavily sleeping or choosing to ignore 8yo
and letting her get on with it.

Either way I would want to look into it especially if ss are already involved. You can’t jump to conclusions without checking but this doesn’t sound positive tbh.

I haven't posted on fathers for justice because I wanted advice from a mothers perspective.... I haven't bad mouthed my children's mother at all I'm giving context so you can maybe understand why I'm concerned. Your comment is very unpleasant and unhelpful. But thank you anyway.

If the 2 year old is literally just waking up and wants to snuggle with her sister to go back to sleep I don't see a problem with it.
I knew someone with 3 daughters and then had a suprise baby when they were teens. When he was around 2/3 every morning he would be found in a different bed with one of his sisters. He just liked to snuggle.
Does your 8 year old mind?
If the 2 year old is crying for mummy and the 8 year old having to take ages to comfort her because mum doesn't come then that's not good.
If it's just the 2 year old waking up, coming across and saying "wanna sleep in your bed" and they are both back asleep within a couple of minutes then it's fine.

Thank you! I will maybe ask my daughter a little more about it and raise it with their mum.

Thank you my partner also put the same points forward that you have. Thank you for your input.

I used to do this with my sister all the time, no big deal.

The red flag for me is the SS involvement but otherwise 2 kids sharing a room, I wouldn't think this was abnormal.

I have older siblings and I always chose to sleep with them over my parents if I had a bad dream or something but that's not because my parents were unavailable to me, or wouldn't have gotten up if they heard me. It's just that my brothers were way more fun. Have a bad dream and Mum/Dad is going to tell you not to be silly, there are no monsters, go back to bed. Brothers on the other hand are going to build a defence line of teddies and with a torch tell you that they'll protect you by staying up all night while you sleep.....

In a healthy household, an 8yr old snuggling a 2yr old back to sleep when they share a room would only make me think 'that's so sweet'.

But if the reason is because Mum is passed out and the older sibling has to step up, that's a different story.

Is the 2yr old not your child?

For what it's worth, sounds like your 8yr old is a really good kid. But I'd probably try and get more info - like - did you try and wake Mummy up? Was the 2yr old crying? Just to try and establish whether it's just pure sibling love, baby wakes up and sister is tip toeing over for cuddles or the situation was actually quite worrying and the 2yr old is screaming and the 8yr old cant wake Mummy or Mummy told her to go away and rolled over.

The two are very different scenarios.

I used to find my two asleep in a nest they had built from quilts and pillows all the time. It was very sweet. But if one was poorly or really distressed, would they be able to get mum?

Context is everything but it’s hard to know what’s going on if you aren’t there. Are SS still involved?

This! I have a toddler and a tween. They don’t share a room, but sometimes I’ll put him to bed and he’ll try and creep into his sister’s room (now I sit in the hall til he’s asleep to police his whereabouts!) or he will go to her in the morning as she’s more likely to be ready to play! If they were in a room together I’m sure what you describe would sometimes happen, and she’d probably offer comfort instinctively and also feel it was grown up and helpful to “deal with it”.
If any noise was short lived maybe I wouldn’t hear it and would be none the wiser.
If it upsets her / she feels she has to do it / she feels she can’t go and let her mum know or ask for any help, then that’s a problem.
Try to be curious about her feelings and let her know she can talk to you about it if she needs to.
The littler child is with you sometimes and her mum sometimes, but with her sister all the time so it doesn’t seem strange she’d turn to her if upset and they’re together. That’s no-ones fault.

When you say tending, what does that actually involve? Getting a drink, snacks, changing a nappy, rocking the toddler to sleep for hours or just throwing back a cover and saying get in?

My younger child sneaks in with his brother if he’s had a bad dream. Mainly because his brother lets him sleep there the rest of the night and their rooms are next to each other. If he comes to us he gets a cuddle and then is walked back to his own bed. This wouldn’t worry me unless you think the eight year old is having to do more than a cuddle.

Perhaps he wants to get advice and opinions from women, rather than the echo chamber of FFJ