8 year old tending to 2 year old during the night

[Bluelightlagoon]

Hello,

My daughter (8) lives with me during the week and spends time with her mum on weekends.

Today she mentioned that during the night at her mums she looks after her sister (2) as they sleep in the same room. She will awaken to her crying and bring her to the bottom bunk bed and help her back to sleep.

I asked why her mum doesn't tend to her younger sibling during the night and she said she is sleeping.

Is this a normal? I feel this is a responsibility my daughter shouldn't really be taking on but would like to know if any other parents let their children take care of their siblings in this manner.

Just for context, we have had alot of social service involvement with our children due to various concerns with their mother. So I do get concerned very easily.

Thanks in advance.

by the way the OP does NOT say the 2 year old is in a top bunk.

2 year old is brought from their own bed into the sister's bed. Sister's bed is bottom bunk.
Nothing to suggest 2 year old is in the top bunk!

stop jumping to conclusion people.

I’m interested in knowing more about the social workers who don’t always see eye to eye with you when you share concerns…

Can you give some examples of concerns you have shared about your ex?

Is this a regular thing from you?

Indeed. I asked the question in a previous post and no clarification from the op. I suspect that 2 year old is NOT on the top bunk.

I'm sure that the ex of someone I know is also very disappointed that SWs didn't see eye to eye with him too. It's a common tactic amongst abusive and controlling men.

My first thought too @knittingaddict

Men like this seem to speak in a certain ‘tone’ and I think it is recognisable even in writing. Along with “and my partner agrees”.

This is a bit of a jump, considering OP has custody during the week and some weekends, so seems to have more custody than the mum, and also that SS continue to be involved, after a serious incident with mum?

I have a nine year old and a three year old. If the three year old wakes up in the night and the nine year old hears him first (we do have a baby monitor but their bedrooms are next door to each other he will do this too. I have told him loads of times he isn't his responsibility but he likes to do it. 🤷‍♀️. We do always hear him though and go through.

I recognise the tone too and really wish I didn't.

Is the DC currently open to social services though? It doesn’t sound like it.

”Social services involvement” is vague. Plus social workers haven’t seen eye to eye with OP when he has raised previous issues. There is a clue there.

If you'd read it properly, the op said the child spends time with mum at the weekend, so hardly going to be too tired in school.

Not sure how you jumped to the conclusion that the child should never stay with her mum.

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for your input and advice.

I have spoken more with my daughter about this. She isn't 'forced' to do this in anyway and she is very happy with the situation. Mum does wake up and tend to the 2-year-old if she hears her, so it seems it's just a case of the living arrangements and not any form of disconnect via mum. I will speak directly with mum about it after the weekend, but I want to be careful how I approach the topic due to a breakdown in constructive contact between us.

I just felt a little uneasy about it at first due to past issues for which I don't feel are necessary to divulge into online, but I will address one point made regarding social services. It does seem a few members of this forum have a jaded perspective on how fathers treat or want the world to perceive their ex-partners.

The courts decided it best for our children to live with me and my partner and have overnight stays with their mum during weekends. Giving the seriousness of the incident that occurred I would have been well within my rights as a parent to request supervised contact and no overnight stays. Instead, I have always felt it more beneficial for our children to have contact with mum and work through issues where possible (with support from school, social services etc).

I understand that relationships between split parents can get toxic and I have not been perfect in that regard myself over the years but that does not make my concerns invalid. There have been many issues both serious and minor for a long time with my children's mum, but I have always tried my best to be supportive even though I know that she may see this in a different light.

Has for social care not seeing eye to eye on certain issues. I removed my children from school and home schooled them. This was during a period where my ex-partner had dropped our children at school intoxicated. School reported this to social care who placed them in my care. School reported the children as unkempt, hungry at school and very quiet (they are very lively and positive children). I and family members had also been noticing a decline in their behaviour and appearance during that time.

Many reports were made from outside parties regarding the use of drugs and alcohol. Her partner at the time who has a young daughter also had SS involved due to issues with drugs and alcohol. I agreed with my ex-partner that she may have supervised visits with our children before we approached family court. She picked up the children and never returned them.

She then proceeded to call school and claim that I was domestically abusive during our relationship (this was actually the other way around). School believed my ex-partner and the headteacher told me in no uncertain terms to 'not collect my children from school anymore' and that the kids should stay with mum. After this I took action and home-schooled my children due to concerns for their safety to which social care completely disregarded and forced me to return them.

Multiple family court hearings later and an incident that brought criminal charges to my ex-partner and an order for no unsupervised contact with anyone under the age of 18 I was granted residential custody of my children.

School also realized the gravity of the situation and advised social care that our children have a better level of care and zero concerns whilst living with me. This is not a dig at my ex-partner. This is simply one case of many similar issues which has made now me very quick to react in concern. Issues that social care and even school brushed under the carpet until they became out of control.

Obviously, contact between myself and my ex-partner is not the best at times, and I am the first to admit that I hold some level of resentment due to the years of problems and issues she has created. However, I have never wanted to stop contact or have social care involved in our children's life's and I was at one point very happy for our children to reside with her. This is no longer the case, but I do try to be as civil as possible whilst always putting my children's safety and well-being first.

Forgive me for the long reply, I know this is still very vague, but I am not interested in writing a novel at the moment!

One final point, this is not about men and women it is about parents and at the centre of that the children's welfare should always be the focus.

My original post was an attempt to gather an alternative perspective to help me make an informed decision before jumping to conclusion.

Thank you everyone.

Mum does wake up and tend to the 2-year-old if she hears her, so it seems it's just a case of the living arrangements and not any form of disconnect via mum. I but I want to be careful how I approach the topic due to a breakdown in constructive contact between us.

^^why do you need to say anything? From what your daughter has said (and what you've put here) its normal family stuff. Nothing for you to involve yourself with.

The rest of your post was unnecessary. It didn't help to clarify anything and just made you look vindictive tbh.

Bloody hell, the OP can't win.

he doesn't give any context, so he is accused of being abusing and controlling.

Now he makes it clear that the COURTS have removed the children from the mother's custody due to concerns around neglect, hunger, alcohol and drug abuse. The mother has a conviction for one of these. She is not allowed to have any under 18's around the children etc etc.

But now, by saying that, he is being vindictive.

Sorry OP, this is mumsnet, and you are male. Sometimes people cannot believe that the woman has issues when it comes to children.

1.how do you know it's a man

1. Aren't you lovely?

I'm sorry. I didn't realise it was all about winning and point scoring. Silly me.

I still don't see why he needs to have "words" over something that happens in normal run of the mill families though. Thats overkill.

Just wow 😳 you should be more uncomfortable with your tone never mind a parent asking for advice

Your brothers building a teddy guard for you and telling you that they'll protect you all night is the sweetest thing I've read today and actually makes me well up a bit. Thanks for sharing. I kind of needed to read something like that tonight.

Op I can only echo what others have said. If they are having a quick snuggle, if your DD is happy to do it and if she knows that she doesn't have to then it might be ok. Otherwise, no. It shouldn't be her responsibility.

Before ds was born DD wanted him to sleep in her room and said she'll do all the night wakings but it's not her job and she needs to sleep.

@InTrussWeTruss 😘awwww! They're still the same now with me - they can't stand each other though! Always arguing with each other Haha.xx

If it had been the odd few occasions I would be saying how very lovely, but a nightly occurrence while she's there sounds like a red flag. As a mum I would be questioning why the mum isn't waking up to her toddler crying, is she drunk and passed out? Or just a very heavy sleeper? Definitely raise with SS