Other children seem forgotten by partners family

[Unicorngirl7]

I'll get straight to it!

Been with partner 6+ years and have recently had a baby with him.

I also have other children from a previous relationship. The dynamics all work fine and my partner & children have the loveliest bond with each other and love each other dearly.

All was fine across the board my other children were fully embraced and accepted by partners family and always thought of and asked after etc.

However, since our daughter was born I feel there has been a massive shift...partner & myself have spoken about this and he has agreed at times it does seem that way but he feels it from a place of excitement and the buzz of a baby and it being his sides first grandchild/nephew etc. I agreed and kept quiet to see if that would settle and things would return to how they were.

Not the case ...we are 5 months on since daughter was born and It seems to be consistent and no change.

partner called his mum the other day and first thing she asked was after the baby no mention of the other children.
This evening I called and again she asked me to send recent photos of baby so she could show her work colleagues.

Sister in law told me (rather excitedly) she's put a photo up at her house of her with my daughter, she has lots of photos of the other children but has never bothered to put pictures up.

My children adore MIL and SIL and I just am beginning to feel as though the new baby is more important to them and I'm hurt if I'm honest.
Spoken lots with partner about these issues and how I feel. I feel he always excuses there behaviour and says the buzz will fizzle out.

So upset and hurt over the sudden shift towards my other children and am not sure how to raise it with them all without causing a row or fall out as I'm so angry and hurt.

Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated....thanks all.

You can't help how other people feel unfortunately. They may have thought they felt the same about your DC until the baby came along and they realized that they actually didn't. It's unfortunate but I feel like it's also human nature. How old are the older DC?

It is understandable if she is the first grandchild niece etc . I would always mention the other children when you speak to them & send photos of all the children together.

I think it's a baby thing as well. Everyone is super keen to see a new baby, visit and look at photos, whereas they often lose interest in older DCs, even when they're all the same parents.

Not asking about the older ones at all is pretty rude, I'd make a point of talking about them.

Is it really a shift in attitude towards your other children? Or is it actually that their attitude to the new baby is just a completely different thing?

For example, your SIL had no photos of your children up in her house. That hasn’t changed. But her brother has had a baby and she’s keen to put a photo up.

It’s not necessarily a sleight on your children or a deprioritisation of them. It’s just that your husband’s family do feel different about his baby. And that’s kind of inevitable.

Your family isn’t a nuclear family. So the children may have different relationships with your husband’s family. It doesn’t have to be a horrible thing or taken as a rejection of your older children.

It might also be worth considering the extent to which your feelings might be making it harder for your husband to share his joy at his first child with his family. You say he’s ‘making excuses’. But it might feel very different for him. He’s having to mitigate and manage his family’s enthusiasm for the first baby in his family (of origin) because it upsets you.

Blood relation + baby fever I'm afraid.

Got to be honest, I don't have any photos up of my brother's girlfriend's kids. But if they had a baby together, I imagine I'd have one of them.

They do feel different about your child which they are related to. You’re not going to be able to change that.
What you can do is specifically ask them to be aware of their behavior when your eldest children are around. So if they come with a present for the baby could they please add a token gift for the older siblings too.
Talk about how your eldest are interacting with their new sister in front of your inlaws. Hopefully this will prompt those questions about how they’re doing etc.
If your older kids still have contact with their Dad and Paternal family then talk them up. Make sure the kids feel loved and supported in their relationships with their bio family and happy about the (different) relationships they have with their bonus step family too.

As much as it isn't nice, the 5 month old is the first granddaughter/niece in the family. It's exciting and new. Yes they're rude not to even ask about your DC. But as unfair as it can feel, this is their first grandchild, an extension of them biologically. Of course it's going to be at the forefront of their minds.

Rightly or wrongly, the 5 month old is their grandchild, your children from a previous relationship aren't.

Does your childrens bio dad see them much / do they see their dads parents?

Sorry it’s hurtful to you but I wouldn’t expect them to have photos of your children that they are not related to and of course they are going to be excited about the new baby.

I wouldn’t make a big deal about it to your husband as he is not responsible for how they feel which is perfectly natural.

They shouldn’t deliberately exclude your children but let them enjoy the excitement of a new baby in the family.

I think you are being unrealistic to expect them to feel the same about your children.

It would be nice if they remembered to be demonstrative to your children but I don’t think it’s at all realistic to expect them to feel the same about them as they do about their son’s/brother’s child. It’s also a baby vs older child thing, you don’t say how many kids you have or how old they are but I’m assuming they’re, say, 7 and 9 at a minimum - MIL is hardly going to show her colleague pictures of someone else’s kids that age (at least, you’d hope not for the colleague’s sake!)

Your baby daughter is their first grandchild, a big thing for most families, it's only natural that they show enthusiasm towards her.
I think it's unfair and unreasonable to start policing their joy towards her, especially as she is still so little.
Pretending to yourself that your other children are equal grandchildren to your partner's side is unhelpful. Just as your ex partner's parents won't be as enthusiastic towards your new baby as they were towards their own grandchildren.
This pretence, and the inevitable tension it causes by making a point of saying everyone is the same, is a foreseeable consequence of a blended family.
Try to balance things out by including your elder children's paternal grandparents or even siblings to spend some more time with them and make them feel special.

The reality is OP, that if you and your boyfriend split up, his family would likely only continue to see the new baby and not bother with your children at all.

You would be surprised how many stepdads drop all contact once the relationship has ended.

Yes you're right, you can't force something and I know that too. I guess in the years leading up to us having a baby they have always shown lots of interest, helped out with childcare, been quite interested in my other children to now it feels as though they barely exist. MIL says she feels like a Nan to them and SIL even sends on birthdays etc with nephew etc on. I guess my expectations of them all just being thought of as the same has not gone to plan so I'm hurt.

Older children are 13 and 9.

I do but it falls on deaf ears to be honest as for photos I have done that too to almost try to make a point without having to have a conversation as I adore MIL and would hate to ruin a good relationship between us. However it's starting to effect how I see her slightly.

MIL has 2 children and then 1 by a different father she always talks about how her youngest was always treated like a grandchild by first children's family etc.

For example my partners Dad still gives and buys birthday and Christmas gifts for partners half brother even though they are all grown up adults.

Yes that's what I expected as who doesn't love a new baby and it is so exciting for them but I feel like you have said its so rude and hurtful to me as their mum.

I totally agree I guess the whole blood relation thing was bound to rear its head but I do honestly feel there has been a shift of some kind.

I'm totally with you I really don't want to dampen the joy of a new baby for nobody. Hence me coming on here for advice so I'm not having another conversation whete it could feel as though I'm again moaning or having a go.

It's good to get others views I appreciate your honesty

0 contact with their father or fathers family. There doing. In fact ex partner lives 5 doors away from my best friend he just puts his head down when he sees her or us.

Yes, good advice there perhaps I'll drop that into a conversation I hate confrontation of any kind.

0 contact with their dad or family.

I honestly think you’re being a bit paranoid and precious.
I’ll give an example, I have two older nieces and a newphew who’s 5 yes younger so the baby of the family, when he came along we spoke about him loads more, more photos, more cuddles etc. it’s just the way it is, of course I love them all, and that’s not changed just because I’m showing more defection to a new being.

things will settle down and I bet your children don’t even notice.

They are likely to feel differently about this child, who is the first biological grandchild/neice.

We all love my sister's stepchildren, my mum would call herself Nanna etc. One of them wasn't even one year old when they met, but it's not the same as the actual grandchild who came along a few years later. It's just not.

Hard as a mother to hear and harder because your dc don't see their dad or his family, but just how it is.

I don't think I was unrealistic to think they would remain the same ...obviously to think and feel differently towards new baby was always going to rear its head. To not ask after my other children is rude and hurtful. They are kids?!

MIL said prior to baby she felt like a nan to other children. SIL sends cards for birthdays etc with nephew on...

I think to hear and see those things and now the change is hurtful...that's hurting me the most as they are only kids they haven't done anything.

Like you say I'm really not wanting to not let them enjoy the baby or even be excited but I do not like that my other children are now dropped by the way side...of course I'm going to be sad about that when it wasn't before.

3 other children...13 and 9

MIL had a picture up of all 3 kids and that was asked for by her and its suddenly disappeared 😔 I haven't mentioned that but did notice.

MIL also has my children as her profile picture on FB so was keen to show off about them prior etc

Perhaps this is the reality ...its changed and there is nothing I can do.

0 contact with their father or his family there doing ...ex partner lives right by my best friend and he just puts his head down...he really isn't interested sadly.

I agree blended families are hard I've well and truly had my rise tinted glasses knocked off.

Honestly I don't think they are being unreasonable. This baby is their first grandchild! That is a big deal! If you have another child with your DP it won't receive this level of attention, and if you have a third nobody will blink.

It sounds like they have welcomed your other children into the family, but those are not their grandchildren. This one has made them grandparents and all their friends are congratulating them... It will settle down soon enough.

Yes I guess so ...how sad 😔