Other children seem forgotten by partners family

[Unicorngirl7]

I'll get straight to it!

Been with partner 6+ years and have recently had a baby with him.

I also have other children from a previous relationship. The dynamics all work fine and my partner & children have the loveliest bond with each other and love each other dearly.

All was fine across the board my other children were fully embraced and accepted by partners family and always thought of and asked after etc.

However, since our daughter was born I feel there has been a massive shift...partner & myself have spoken about this and he has agreed at times it does seem that way but he feels it from a place of excitement and the buzz of a baby and it being his sides first grandchild/nephew etc. I agreed and kept quiet to see if that would settle and things would return to how they were.

Not the case ...we are 5 months on since daughter was born and It seems to be consistent and no change.

partner called his mum the other day and first thing she asked was after the baby no mention of the other children.
This evening I called and again she asked me to send recent photos of baby so she could show her work colleagues.

Sister in law told me (rather excitedly) she's put a photo up at her house of her with my daughter, she has lots of photos of the other children but has never bothered to put pictures up.

My children adore MIL and SIL and I just am beginning to feel as though the new baby is more important to them and I'm hurt if I'm honest.
Spoken lots with partner about these issues and how I feel. I feel he always excuses there behaviour and says the buzz will fizzle out.

So upset and hurt over the sudden shift towards my other children and am not sure how to raise it with them all without causing a row or fall out as I'm so angry and hurt.

Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated....thanks all.

I think my 9 year old is totally oblivious to be honest and only one of my 13 year olds has mentioned something once. It's definitely myself that's noticing it more than anyone else. However DH has said he has noticed things at times too.

Congratulations on your pregnancy hope all is going well. I think natural excitement is to be expected but I just find it hard as a mum for my other children even if they aren't aware at all times if at all of the shift/changes.

I think your expectations are way too high. They were always going to feel differently about your husband's child, that's to be expected. By all means keep an eye out for changes in direct treatment that the kids would pick up on but I think you are unreasonable to be hurt that they seem to care differently for their own GC.

Do you think your DH feels differently about the baby than hi stepkids? Honestly? If you think he feels differently then do you think it's surprising that his family do?

Does your ex pay child support or have any contact at all with his kids? If not have you considered that your husband adopt them? ( I actually don't know if that's possible so apologies if I'm talking rubbish).

No i don't...I've asked this and he says he doesn't. I feel I'd of noticed. I feel the love between DH and my other children is mutual.

No support or contact from ex.

DH has asked to adopt my children we are getting married on April. Its definitely something we are thinking about.

Yes perhaps they are too high.

Its just because of things said to me about a new baby and my other children. I was kind of lead to believe that baby would slot in and that to be it.

However as someone else said perhaps that was the thought process of people but in reality it's different now baby is here and emotions are involved eg-grand parent and aunt love etc

I'm following this thread with great interest as I'm going to be in the same situation in a few months. My son and his partner are expecting my first grandchild and his partner has 3dc from a previous relationship. The dc's bio dad has little to no contact with them and it has been a real joy to me to see the relationship my son has with the kids develop. They are absolutely delightful children. I've had conversations with my son about how he will feel when his own baby arrives as I would hate for the other little ones to feel pushed aside. They are so excited for the new baby to arrive.
My son and his partner have only been together 18 months so I haven't yet had the time to build a deeper relationship with the children and I know I will feel differently towards my own grandchild. However I do know that I will do everything in my power to ensure that the other kids and their mum never feel hurt by my actions. Sorry I'm not giving you advice but it was so enlightening for me to read about how you are feeling and just strengthens my resolve to do the right thing by them all.

No i don't...I've asked this and he says he doesn't. I feel I'd of noticed

His answer shows he's a good man op. It doesn't show that he's always truthful if the answer would hurt you.

I think the amount of step parents who feel exactly the same about their step dc as they do about their own dc who they've been with from birth is in the vast, vast minority tbh.

Please don't apologise for the lack of advice. If you can take anything from this thread then that's fab and I'm pleased.

The fact you want all to be OK, all to feel included etc is just amazing and lovely. Well done you.

Unfortunately this is common. My DD's were pride of place on their grandad and step grandmothers wall until exh's had sister had a baby, photo came down, gifts stopped and barely mentioned them if we visited without them. Ironically they complained that they never see them since we divorced (they were already adults and make their own decisions on which family they stay in contact with!)

This is it ...I don't think he'd say ...yes I do feel differently ....however I'm sure I'd notice in his actions etc?

Something to wait and see on I guess?

I think YABU , however, it is completely understandable why you are.

I am in your DP’s spot I’ve just had my first DC who is 4 months, my DP has 3 kids from previous

My mother and siblings feel vastly different about my DD to my Step children as she is the fist grand child

You need to cut your DP and IL’s some slack it’s not their fault or issue there is no contact with your Ex and his family and they are entitled to be excited about their new blood relation.

However, my DP struggles with the blended family and his DC’s from a previous relationship being included. The other day he hugged me and my DD and I said oh the family altogether and he was silent. For him there were people missing but for me yes my step kids are family but they are not my children (their mother is their primary caregiver however)

Dont let this ruin your relationship with your IL’s they are happy to have a new baby think of it as a positive

You’re being hugely unreasonable. Your kids are not their blood relatives, of course they’re not going to be treating them the same as their grandchild/niece. You can’t expect people to summon up feelings that aren’t there so you can play ‘fantasy family’. Of course they should be kind and accommodating to your kids but you’re trying to force something that isn’t there. I doubt you’d be any different if your sibling had step children then a baby of their own.

Considering the circumstances with your eldest children’s father and how well your inlaws treated their stepgrand kids/nieces or nephews up until the birth of your youngest, I think you can be direct about this.
Tell them you’ve noticed they are asking fewer questions about your eldest children - perhaps because there is just so much to talk about with the new baby. Say you know this is not being done on purpose or probably even consciously. Remind MIL how positive she found it that her kids were all treated the same by her inlaws. Then ask them to make an extra effort to talk to/ask after your eldest kids in the coming weeks/months for the sake of family harmony. You don’t want your older children to feel jealous of their baby sibling or to feel pushed out at family gatherings.
Give a lovely photo of your three kids together next time they ask for a picture, plus maybe one of all of you and one of just your partner and youngest.
Don’t worry about depth of feelings towards step/blood relations. You can’t control or change how others feel. It is reasonable to ask for an extra effort/awareness on their part to avoid leaving out your eldest two children.

I'd give his family a break.
Whether his they would want to have contact or not, in the event of a split, your partner would have no right to ever see your older children again. I have seen this happen, and it is heartbreaking.
It's understandable that his family have a different relationship with his child. If he adopts your older children, then they become his children. That is something very different.

OP I just wanted to say (I hope this isn't patronising) I know I commented earlier saying you're expecting a bit much. But you've got hundreds of replies on here saying you're expecting too much, what do you want your partner to do, let it be etc and you've taken it all and not dug your heels in when everyone is saying you need to adjust your expectations.

You sound like a really lovely mum who just wants the best for her children. I hope you have a lovely wedding in April OP and the fact your future DH wants to adopt your children is just lovely.

Good to hear a view point from the other side of the coin so to speak.

Your partner sounds quite how I feel.i guess. They are all my children and I feel very protective of all of my children's feelings and I think that's normal. This is why it's hurtful but I guess from the responses that I'm wrong in wanting a more seemless version 😕 new territory and something to come to terms with as hard as that may be Im sure it will get easier or at least I hope so.

I'm not asking them to declare their love for my other children but to think of them and be aware of how these new differences could hurt them and hurt me doesn't seem unreasonable after all they are just children. Children that they were very fond of even telling me how wonderful it was to have children in the family when me and DH first began dating etc. Its these sudden differences that hurt and is a whole new situation.

I'd like to think that I wouldn't feel different in an emotional attachment way eg - (because not blood relation) but untill in that situation I guess no one can say for certain. I do know I wouldn't begin to think less of a child to the point I stopped asking after them after all the child or children would obviously very much apart of my siblings life.

Thank you. Good advice
I think that's it, I would just like them to be aware that my other children could potentially feel left out or ignored to a degree. As a mum it hurts to see them pushed aside in some ways especially since I know how much MIL wanted her 3 treated fairly and talks about how wonderful it was for her youngest son from her then new relationship to be included by her ex's family. You'd think she'd be more on the ball and aware but it seems to of all been forgotten. Sadly.

Thank you for your comment.
Not patronising at all.

I'm glad it has come across that im really not trying to cause issues, stop DH's family's excitement or their inclusion etc. I guess I just wanted some good advice on how to deal with this new territory I'm facing. Happy to go away re think my expectations and reevaluate my feelings in all of this
Yes I just want the best for the children and for relationships to remain good etc.

Aww thanks. We are so excited. Already have my dress and lots of other bits sorted too.

My children are also excited at the prospect of being potentially adopted by DH and adore him so it would be lovely if all went to plan 😊

The fact they care more or differently about new baby isn't the real issue hear ad I did expect that.

What is upsetting is the new lack of interest in my other children when that wasn't the case previously.

I don't expect them to not be excited but to just be more aware there are other children and how that could hurt my feelings and the children's too.

Will keep my eyes peeled and see what develops