Other children seem forgotten by partners family

[Unicorngirl7]

I'll get straight to it!

Been with partner 6+ years and have recently had a baby with him.

I also have other children from a previous relationship. The dynamics all work fine and my partner & children have the loveliest bond with each other and love each other dearly.

All was fine across the board my other children were fully embraced and accepted by partners family and always thought of and asked after etc.

However, since our daughter was born I feel there has been a massive shift...partner & myself have spoken about this and he has agreed at times it does seem that way but he feels it from a place of excitement and the buzz of a baby and it being his sides first grandchild/nephew etc. I agreed and kept quiet to see if that would settle and things would return to how they were.

Not the case ...we are 5 months on since daughter was born and It seems to be consistent and no change.

partner called his mum the other day and first thing she asked was after the baby no mention of the other children.
This evening I called and again she asked me to send recent photos of baby so she could show her work colleagues.

Sister in law told me (rather excitedly) she's put a photo up at her house of her with my daughter, she has lots of photos of the other children but has never bothered to put pictures up.

My children adore MIL and SIL and I just am beginning to feel as though the new baby is more important to them and I'm hurt if I'm honest.
Spoken lots with partner about these issues and how I feel. I feel he always excuses there behaviour and says the buzz will fizzle out.

So upset and hurt over the sudden shift towards my other children and am not sure how to raise it with them all without causing a row or fall out as I'm so angry and hurt.

Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated....thanks all.

It’s not just the blood relation thing though. It’s that it’s a new baby. The first baby in their family. Your husband’s baby.

That’s a big thing in ways that being welcoming to your older children just never could be. They’re 9 and 13 now - not brand new people who change so much within a space of a week. And who might look like great uncle Arthur when squinting etc.

i think you need to find a way not to be hurt by it. Your children are old enough to understand that everyone is excited by the baby. And that it’s the first baby in their stepdad’s family. Use that as the positive to build upon.

Are they behaving differently in a way your children would see or is it in conversations and messages that your DC don’t see / know about?

If they were completely ignoring them when you meet up then obviously that’s not on and your DH should speak to them but if it’s just messages etc that the kids have no idea about then I think it’s to be expected.

People want to hear more about babies because they change so quickly. Your older kids are just objectively changing less so they don’t need the updates in the same way. Add into that the new one is a blood relation to them plus it being the first grandchild on their side and I can see how it’s happened.

I guess my expectations of them all just being thought of as the same has not gone to plan so I'm hurt.

But has it really changed, or is it just your perception?

Your older kids are 13 & 9 - no one asks after them as much as they do a baby, because babies change daily and learn new things, and older kids don’t.

If they’ve previously been treated exactly like family then they still are - have they been ignored on birthdays or anything? If not, try not to stress about this.

I feel its changed 😔 but perhaps I'm just to sensitive. I'm really trying to rise above it, let the fact they haven't asked of the other children not get to me. I'm still updating MIL etc with anything eg ...baby now weighs...etc...im not allowing anything to make me change towards MIL or SIL.

You have entirely unreasonable expectations. It is very nice of them to welcome your chikdren, but why on earth you expect them to put photos of them in their walls and have daily keen interest? They are not their grandchildren. It is reasonable to expect them to be polite. Ideally invited to the family gatherings but their biological grandchild will always be treated differently. You should reassess your expectations.

It's been mainly conversations/face time ...

They haven't ignored them when we've been together but they have definitely not been as spoken too or questioned as much as they once would of been ...you know...How's school...or how are you kind of thing. I mean it's not major things but I've noticed the slight changes and I'm definitely not imaging it as DH has said he has noticed things when we have spoken about it.

I'm being so positive about it all.
Even had my MIL as first person to babysit new baby and watch other children while me and DH went out for a meal. I'm trying to plod on and allow things to settle but as it goes on I'm finding it harder at times to accept that the other children are now a second thought. Especially when MIL prided herself on having her 3 children (over with a different dad) being treated the same etc.

I didn't expect it. MIL requested a picture of my children way before a baby was even thought of between myself and DH.
Why do that ? Photo has since disappeared I might add and picture of baby was proudly in place...I've not even mentioned this to DH as you're right it's a new baby grandchild/niece etc. I let it go even though my children may also of noticed that too.

Definitely trying to reasses my views and outlook as I hate confrontation and have a great relationship with my DH's family and wouldn't like that to change but I do have to consider my other childrens feelings too as would any mum

I get the burst of interest even I'd be like that to a degree but I wouldn't not think of the other children or even at the end of a conversation ask "and are all the others OK?"

This is it. It's so hard to witness and see the differences (even if slight at the moment-hopefully stay that way) emerging because my kids are great kids and deserve to be thought of and asked after and cared for by those around them that are in their lives. I guess it's something I'll adjust too and overcome
...all new territory

I would a million percent feel the same way.

My daughter's paternal grandparents (lots of them because namma and grandad separated and have new partners) don't bother with her. She's 4 and i could count the times she met paternal gm on one hand. It makes me so mad.

Last year when again all 4 of them declined an invitation to see her on her birthday and just posted a gift, i actually messaged them and told them how sad it was for them that they were missing out on a relationship with her as she is funny and clever and a joy to be around, and is growing so quickly.

So hard to take as a mother.

I'm really trying to rise above it, let the fact they haven't asked of the other children not get to me.

I honestly don't think this is a case of you "rising above it" or taking the moral high ground. In my opinion they have done nothing for you to rise above. It is very sad that your older children's actual paternal grandparents choose not to be involved in their lives - you need to place the blame for that with them, and not hold your DP's parents responsible for addressing the real grandparents' failings.

Rise above as in not be hurt by the fact there has been a slight change in things...and let it go but its not easy it's hard because for a long time this wasn't the case...New baby was always going to be exciting for all of us but to change your way in which you are towards other children is a hard pill to swallow as a mum.

I don't blame anyone for paternal grandparents lack of involvement I don't need too. It's no one elses fault...no ones ...and they haven't seen them for a long time. I only mentioned it was I was asked if there was contact.

I am merely trying to find a solution or seek advice on how to deal with these changes...as I don't want there to be a change in how things are between myself and DH's family.

I totally understand and yes it's hard as a mum to not put your children's feelings first

If your mil has specifically talked about how it was important for her thst step kids were treated the same - I’d have a really honest conversation with her and say you’re a bit worried your older kids might be hurt

I don't blame anyone for paternal grandparents lack of involvement

I don't think you are blaming your partner's parents, but I do think you are unconsciously expecting them to fill the role of the absent paternal grandparents.

my kids are great kids and deserve to be thought of and asked after and cared for by those around them that are in their lives

Yes they do, and seeing your new baby's paternal grandparents behaving as good grandparents do has probably highlighted the fact that your older children don't have that. I doubt there has really been a great change in your DP's parents' attitude towards your older children, it is just that you are now comparing it with the way they behave towards their own adored first grandchild.

But seriously, the baby fever will die right down anyway, and then the difference will be less obvious.

You mention that you keep bringing it up with your partner, what is it you expect him to do?

He’s just had his first child, his family are ecstatic and want to be involved, that’s wonderful for him. He won’t want them to be less involved or engaged.

No - because of the others weren’t ok surely you would have said?!
again, my nephew may be five now but he has more changes and developments than a 13 yr old does so naturally we speak about him more, he does more funny / cute stuff.
it’s an age things not just because it’s their blood relative, although of course that changes things too.

from all your responses, and I’ve read them, you really are being ott - they seem like an amazing in laws / partners family to have, I wouldn’t go rocking the boat for no reason.

And are your kids being upset? They won’t know if their step dad’s grandma is or isn’t asking about them on the phone. It sounds like you’re having more contact with your inlaws, because of the baby, which is understandable, and so you expect them to be asking about your DC more than they did because you happen to be discussing the baby.

I think it could still be the excitement really, especially with it being their first grandchild. Are your children noticing the difference?

Very different scenario I know but my MIL has completely stopped asking DH how he is since I got pregnant. It's always "how is ChristmasJumpers?" Every time she sees him 😂

I say keep bringing it up, I've raised it a few times when things have been very evident to see. I don't want him to do anything as such and I certainly don't want his family to not be involved with the new baby and include them with things like updates on baby's weight and how her immunisations went etc.

I guess it would be nice for him to reassurance me that the other children he loves and even wants to adopt (we are getting to be married in april) are as much family as the new baby is in the eyes of his family.

Perhaps that's asking too much?

Do your kids have time away with there dad? And dads side of the family??

I often don't get a chance to mention the other children because it's all so baby focused to be honest. Even when MIL was holding baby and I spoke to her she didn't even reply to interested in looking at baby ...fair enough ...only so much I can try and do??

I haven't once said they aren't lovely and this is also why it hurts too as they are lovely and in the time I've been with my DH they have been so interested and engaged with my other children so this change I feel hurts that bit more as they are great and my kids adore them. I feel its noticeable but hoping my children haven't picked up on it as that would be awful.

I get the age thing little ones are constantly hit new milestones and learning new things but surely you still pay interest to your older neices and nephews too? There might not always be something to report but does that mean you don't ask? Just a general how are the others ? Why should it always be me having to bring my children into the conversation?

0 contact and it's been like that way before I even met new DH etc

Sometime is phone calls so aren't aware other times it's face time calls where they might not even get an hello.
They definitely showed alot more interest in them before baby came along and I was under the impression that that would remain from things that were said and actions.