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Original poster

Mum guilt, really struggling

59 replies

firsttimemama1994 · 17/10/2022 20:30

Mum guilt is killing me, literally 😢

So when my baby was 4 weeks old, she scratched herself which has left a scar on her beautiful face - were now 4 months later and it's still there, indented in her skin.

Your probably thinking, how on earth did you manage to do that to your baby? You wouldn't believe me that I'm honestly the most attentive mum.

It's basically a really unfortunate accident, that I am entirely to blame for. I know it wouldn't have happened it I'd have cut her nails better, or left her mitts on longer.

How do I accept that I have managed to do this to her? I'll look at it forever and hate myself. No one else seems to have allowed this to happen to their baby. 💔💔💔

I know there's more to worry about in the world and people with bigger problems. I just can't swallow that I have caused this, it really really hurts.

Please be nice, I'm very fragile xx

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 17/10/2022 20:33

Dont worry about it! This sort of thing happens. My son scratched his face when he was a baby too. It's ok. They will get hurt now and again, because that's life. Dont work yourself into knots about it.

lockdownmummax · 17/10/2022 20:34

@firsttimemama1994
Awww bless you! It's okay, it's not your fault don't worry
Mum guilt is horrible! My daughter is nearly 3 and I have mum guilt multiple times a week
Am I reading her enough books? Am I feeding her the correct foods? Did I give her enough attention today? am I a bad mum for sending her to nursery whilst I study?
It's a never ending cycle but the fact your worrying about it makes you a good mum
I always found my daughter pulled her mittens off during the new born stage, she scratched herself once and I felt terrible, but it's normal to feel like that and it's normal to have little accidents and bumps along the way of your children growing up, xxx

Windtunnel · 17/10/2022 20:34

Yes these things will happen OP you shouldn't blame yourself.

TheHopefulMum · 17/10/2022 20:35

@ffirsttimemama1994 don't be too harsh on yourself, it was an accident. All 3 of my DC's have scratched themselves as babies, as I'm sure almost all babies do. Baby nails are crazy sharp for such small little things! Honestly I'd be surprised if this mark lasts forever.

Try and be kind to yourself, I'd be lying if I said mum guild gets easier because it doesn't and no matter how old they are you will have some form of mum guilt, but we are only human! ❤️

lovelilies · 17/10/2022 20:37

Just wait til you hurt them yourself by accident 🙈 I made DD1's toe bleed with nail clippers when she was a few weeks old

pinkycatmum · 17/10/2022 20:38

The same exact thing happened with my daughter. Literally a few hours after she was born, she scratched her own face. She's now 6 and the mark is still there but it's sooo tiny you wouldn't even notice it. Don't worry about it. These things happen. OP, the fact you're worrying about this shows that you're a great mum and how much you truly care and love your child. Be kind to yourself Flowers

Original poster
firsttimemama1994 · 17/10/2022 20:51

Thanks everyone ❤️ I've been like this for months, Im hoping my pain will end soon and I can learn to forgive myself.

@pinkycatmum did your baby's scratch get smaller can I ask? I read things saying facial scars will get bigger and I can't deal with it 😢 xx

OP posts:
Windtunnel · 17/10/2022 20:57

Learning to forgive / love yourself is one of life's essential but hardest lessons!

I remember how unstructured days at home with a first baby could be, there's no way of measuring whether you've done well or not, often just me and my own thoughts, I'd think how organised all the other mums seemed when it took me an hour just to leave the house....
Hope you have a good support network OP, friends, toddler groups, family to share experiences with etc as that can really help imo.

emmylousings · 17/10/2022 20:58

I feel your pain. When my ds was younger I accidentally kicked a foot ball in his face and broke his nose. It's still a bit wonky. I have a friend who shut a car door on a dcs finger. These things happen. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

catandcoffee · 17/10/2022 21:04

OP it will disappear in time honestly.

One of my toddler GC ripped other GC cheeks to pieces.

She was very badly scratched and now not a mark on her face.

Her Mum sent me a picture of the damage and I've still got the picture, children's skin is amazing at healing itself.

CraigDavid · 17/10/2022 21:04

OP have you posted this before? Do you have an unhelpful partner who had a go at you about the scratch?

thejadefish · 17/10/2022 21:05

It's not your fault. Realistically speaking you can't leave mittens on her all the time, she needs to be able to explore and use her hands. As to cutting her nails, well I don't know about yours but mine's a wriggler I have to be quick so it's never a great job. I tried doing it when he was asleep but I had to unclench his hands which woke him up, so I do it awake so that he can see what I'm doing and as he gets older won't resist - am v careful obvs and if he's too wriggly wait until later. It'll heal, don't be so hard on yourself. I know what you mean about the guilt though, a friend's OH once asked me what DC's favourite tv show was - their baby was 16 weeks old and mine 20 weeks at the time. I immediately felt a stab of guilt because DC hadn't watched any tv yet and I realised in that moment that someone could ask me what class a drugs DC liked best and I'd probably feel a brief flash of guilt over them not having that too - mum guilt isn't rational! You haven't done anything wrong. If it helps, DC1 fell over and got a cut to her nose when we were walking outside when she had only been walking for a couple of months. I was next to her but didn't catch her in time to stop her from getting hurt, I went to grab her as she fell but I wasn't quick enough. I felt so guilty, it was bad enough to bleed and there was a mark on her nose for months. I thought that it wouldn't go it was there for so long but it went in the end. You have no reason to feel guilty please be kind to yourself.

Rutland2022 · 17/10/2022 21:10

firsttimemama1994 · 17/10/2022 20:30

Mum guilt is killing me, literally 😢

So when my baby was 4 weeks old, she scratched herself which has left a scar on her beautiful face - were now 4 months later and it's still there, indented in her skin.

Your probably thinking, how on earth did you manage to do that to your baby? You wouldn't believe me that I'm honestly the most attentive mum.

It's basically a really unfortunate accident, that I am entirely to blame for. I know it wouldn't have happened it I'd have cut her nails better, or left her mitts on longer.

How do I accept that I have managed to do this to her? I'll look at it forever and hate myself. No one else seems to have allowed this to happen to their baby. 💔💔💔

I know there's more to worry about in the world and people with bigger problems. I just can't swallow that I have caused this, it really really hurts.

Please be nice, I'm very fragile xx

Have you spoken to your HV? This level of guilt sounds disproportionate, you might need a bit of extra support?

I dropped my baby when I fell asleep when she was a few weeks old and I didn’t notice she had a sore armpit either. I felt dreadful about both but it didn’t last months and months.

DozyFox · 17/10/2022 21:14

OP please don't beat yourself up over this. Your sentence where you said something like "you wouldn't believe it but I am an attentive mum" - you will look back on this sentence one day and realise how OTT (said with love!) that sounds, to think that someone would judge your ability as a mother over this.

Babies scratch themselves. It's just one of those things.

You are doing great. The scar will probably fade. Your baby is happy and well-loved, and you are a wonderful mum ❤️

SnowFir · 17/10/2022 21:19

I was watching a French film the other day and i noticed the main character Paola Locatelli had a face scar that added to her attractiveness rather than being a negative feature. It didn't stop her getting the plum role

Mum guilt, really struggling
Mum guilt, really struggling
HighlandPony · 17/10/2022 21:33

They all scratch themselves. I actually wait till they’re sleeping and bite their nails - my sister taught me that trick. You’re not a shit mum. We all fuck up. None of us here are perfect parents and we’ve all done things that after we’ve thought “well that was stupid”.
I’ve driven 30 odd miles to hospital with my baby strapped in a cabriofix car seat and placed in the boot along with the pram frame. I’m not even a first time mum. I’m supposed to be old hands at this shit.

babbi · 17/10/2022 21:38

lovelilies · 17/10/2022 20:37

Just wait til you hurt them yourself by accident 🙈 I made DD1's toe bleed with nail clippers when she was a few weeks old

@lovelilies
clipper incident in our house too .. daddy did it though not mummy ..
(mummy let her fall from the sofa at 5 months )

OP be kind to yourself.. we’ve all had parenting things happen

TheMoops · 17/10/2022 21:40

Give yourself a break. It happens.

My DS fell badly during the first lockdown. I was in a meeting and trying to do childcare/homeschool at the same time.
He has a scar below his eyebrow and a scar on his knee. We probably should have taken him to hospital but it was right in the middle of us being told not to leave the house and only go to hospital in emergencies.

He calls it his Harry Potter scar.

UWhatNow · 17/10/2022 21:45

I think worrying about this for months must be an awful state to be in OP. Are you generally quite anxious? Everyone has a story to tell about their child having a minor everyday accident - they’re very resilient and heal quickly.

Pinkflipflop85 · 17/10/2022 21:50

You've posted about this before, haven't you.

You really need to get some help for this level of anxiety. It really isn't healthy.

MrsMorrisey · 17/10/2022 21:56

You need to let it go. That's a disproportionate amount of over thinking. Everyone has done something to their baby and felt bad at some point.

Let it go otherwise when they get older and are no longer with you all the time you'll be beside yourself with worry.

Enjoy your baby xx

Waitingfordecember · 17/10/2022 22:13

You are not a shit mum. Babies sometimes scratch themselves. My LO gave himself the worst scratch under his eye as a newborn and I remember feeling awful, but it’s gone now and everything is fine.

Try not to beat yourself up Flowers

spinachmonster · 17/10/2022 22:23

I left my daughter with a family member for a few hours aged 3 for the first time really, she scratched a chicken pox scab off her nose which I'd said to be careful of - She has an obvious scar on her nose from that. I felt TERRIBLE but in time you realise it really doesn't matter at all.

Hope you feel better soon, I'd also recommend getting help with anxiety, help can make life so enjoyable again. ♥️

Hugasauras · 17/10/2022 22:25

Have you posted about this before, OP? It's familiar. I hope you are getting some help for it if so Flowers

These things happen. Babies scratch their faces all the time. DD2 gave herself a doozy when she wasn't even a day old. That's why all their sleepsuits have little fold overs for their hands of doom, but they always manage to wiggle a finger out and scratch themselves! Just bad luck if it's one that scars - both of mine have scratched themselves plenty as babies but it's left no scars.

mynameischloe · 17/10/2022 22:27

I remember you posting this before, OP. It WILL fade!!!

As others have said, please speak with your HV or GP.

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