Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Mum guilt, really struggling

59 replies

firsttimemama1994 · 17/10/2022 20:30

Mum guilt is killing me, literally 😢

So when my baby was 4 weeks old, she scratched herself which has left a scar on her beautiful face - were now 4 months later and it's still there, indented in her skin.

Your probably thinking, how on earth did you manage to do that to your baby? You wouldn't believe me that I'm honestly the most attentive mum.

It's basically a really unfortunate accident, that I am entirely to blame for. I know it wouldn't have happened it I'd have cut her nails better, or left her mitts on longer.

How do I accept that I have managed to do this to her? I'll look at it forever and hate myself. No one else seems to have allowed this to happen to their baby. 💔💔💔

I know there's more to worry about in the world and people with bigger problems. I just can't swallow that I have caused this, it really really hurts.

Please be nice, I'm very fragile xx

OP posts:
PatientlyWaiting21 · 18/10/2022 05:53

In the kindest way this level of worry is not normal, please seek help.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 18/10/2022 06:14

This stuff sometimes happens - my son has a little scar through his eyebrow (probably only I notice it now), where my thumbnail (and I have short nails) lightly grazed up his face as I was dressing him. It didn't bleed, he didn't even cry when it happened, yet somehow it's left a scar still there 10 years later.

Along with a bigger one from running into a table at nursery (which I'm actually cross about, because they didn't call me immediately, so it didn't get a stitch/strip before it started healing and is very wide as a result.

amidoingitallwrongagain · 18/10/2022 06:26

Honestly - both mine kept scratched themselves. Its normal.
I tried to keep on top of the nails but i hated cutting them because i was scared i would cut their tiny fingers. Mittens never stayed on.

I suffer from mum guilt now but not in the way you describe but i use to.
i honestly suggest you try and get some counselling (it helped me when i struggled with mum guilt - i had a melt down in the counsellor office when he said whats the worst that would happen if i forgot to send in a pack lunch). We worked through it though

I put too much pressure on myself to be a perfect mum and it wasn't good for any of us.

But now I manage so much better - we have forgotten lunch boxes and it was ok!

A scratch will fade as they get older. Mine has a scar on her knee from when she fell over but it is much lighter now and no one notices it but me.

pinkycatmum · 18/10/2022 09:56

@firsttimemama1994 yes! It did. You can barely see it now. Stop googling and worrying. I'm sure your baby is fine and lovely Flowers

QforCucumber · 18/10/2022 10:00

Your probably thinking, how on earth did you manage to do that to your baby?

Nope, I'm thinking well done for getting to 4 weeks without this happening sooner!

DH hit baby ds1 head off the lounge door frame when carrying him at about 10 days old. He's now 6.5 and has a dent in his eyebrow where, when he started walking at 10 months old, he fell and whacked it off a radiator.

Lilgamesh2 · 18/10/2022 10:07

I don't understand why you're so sure it'll last forever. It will probably heal. Scars continue to heal for years and baby skin is like magic.

You should cope by accepting that in all likelihood it will get much better. If, by some chance it doesn't go away entirely, then deal with that when the time comes. Your DC may even like their scar, people often do! There are scar treatments out there too which will probably be incredibly effective by the time your kid is an adult.

Honestly you are overreacting here to what is probably a non-issue.

Podcastrex · 18/10/2022 11:15

Just to reassure you it will get better as this happened to me with my son. I felt so awful and it took almost 2 years to fade but it did!
Even worse, I was the one that had scratched his face! He almost fell off the sofa and as I quickly tried to hold him back my nail went into his cheek. It was a deep cut, right in the middle of his cheek so super visible. It looked like it wasn't fading at all for the longest time but it did.
I promise it will be OK!

sevenbyseven · 18/10/2022 11:19

It's very unlikely to last forever - i imagine it will disappear within a year. And anyway it's in no way a big deal or your fault. Have you talked to your GP or health visitor about your anxiety?

Original poster
firsttimemama1994 · 18/10/2022 22:05

Thanks so much for everyone's comments ❤️

Yes I have posted before, I guess I wanted to speak to more of you about it. It does help me ❤️

Also I am due to receive counselling about this at the end of the month. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
firsttimemama1994 · 20/10/2022 20:50

@Podcastrex can I ask, was the scar indented? And if so, did it become less indented?
When you say faded did you mean just the colour?
Sorry for the many questions x

OP posts:
Podcastrex · 20/10/2022 22:47

@firsttimemama1994 yes it was indented and also a different colour (redder than his skin tone). It isn't visible at all now, it's almost like as he's grown the skin has stretched so it's now completely smooth/not indented and also the colour has faded.
I had even forgotten it happened until I saw your message, it just gradually disappeared without me noticing.

Milliesmummy92 · 20/10/2022 22:52

Please please get rid of the mum guilt! (I say as I feel guilty for not being in bed at 8:30- although I'm sure that's the guilt for the me later that wakes up 3 times with DD 😂). All jokes aside my DD did the exact same thing, I tried cutting her nails and also scratch mits but she wouldn't keep them on. She's now 8 months and you can see the smallest of marks that actually I'm pretty sure only I notice because it's there! You've not done anything wrong, babies do what they want and there's nothing you can do to stop it xxx

Milliesmummy92 · 20/10/2022 22:53

Sorry that was meant to say because I know it's there!

elizzza · 20/10/2022 23:06

Your probably thinking, how on earth did you manage to do that to your baby? You wouldn't believe me that I'm honestly the most attentive mum.

I am not even vaguely thinking that, I’m thinking yeah babies do that to themselves all the time. My son once scratched himself so I realised I needed to cut his nails. While I was trying to cut his nails he scratched me, and I nicked the end of his finger - a tiny tiny cut but it bled and I felt like the worst mother ever and I only shortened his nails by biting them (gross) for about a year after that. He’s now five and he’s fine and I’m not a terrible mother.

Her scar will disappear or at least fade very very considerably, I promise. And also, she’ll do much much worse to herself over the years to come. Your job is to comfort her and patch her up afterwards, not to beat yourself up.

AutumnVibes · 21/10/2022 07:26

I think I replied to you last time you poster sharing my own terrible mistake when my 1 year old put his cheek on my hair straighteners and scarred his cheek. I used this Bio Oil, just rubbed it in twice a day for a while and it’s gone. It probably would have gone on it’s own, but I feel like I was at least doing something useful. I’ve used it several times since for other injuries, my fault and theirs.
I completely agree with posters above though. We all do it, it’s an entirely normal part of parenting and you need to let it go. I hope the counselling is helpful and that you can start to enjoy things a bit more.

Original poster
firsttimemama1994 · 21/10/2022 07:46

@Podcastrex @Milliesmummy92 thanks so much, that gives me hope. We've had 4 months so far and it has improved a bit so I just hope it continues to be improve at the same speed. 🤞🏻

@elizzza thank you, I appreciate your message. Hopefully time will allow me to stop beating myself up. ❤️

I know it's unhealthy to keep talking about it but it's on my mind 24/7 if I'm honest, it's like I've got that used to thinking about it, it's taken over my brain. I'm hoping my counselling will help with this. I find it hard to forget about because obviously I'm with her all the time and I look for it, intentionally or not. Honestly most people say they wouldn't even know it's there unless I told them and they can't really see it, so I've got hope that it's got to improve even more so in time and be even less noticeable. I know that it's taking over my enjoyment of her babyhood but I can't help my feelings 😞 I'm really trying. Its really awful because she was wanted for soo long as we had fertility problems, now she's finally here and its really sad I'm using all this time fretting. It's nice to know it's not just happened to us cos it's harder when you feel like your the only one it's happened to. Xx

OP posts:
Elsanore · 21/10/2022 07:50

Op it will disappear!

When my baby was 1 he got an awful, deep friction burn that was more of a cut really on his calf. It was deep, weepy, scabbed for ages and left a horrible noticeable dark scar. I was devastated and felt sure it was there for life.

It took at least a year but it's completely disappeared now. Baby skin is growing and heals incredibly well.

If anyone is wondering how it happened.. We were playing at a friend's garden and DH tied our dog's lead to a tree because the garden wasn't secure. He stupidly left her a really long length of lead and she ran around DC while playing and trapped his leg in the lead and did the friction burn. I was absolutely furious at DH stupidity. It took a few seconds to happen, I was still getting stuff in from the car and DH had time to tie the dog so stupidly and the accident happened in the time it took me to walk up the path.

chocolateandtea123 · 21/10/2022 09:29

OP. I don't think the issue is the scratch. I know because I went through it, my daughter has having normal baby vomiting and I was so sure it was some sort of deadly sicknessConfused. She was fine. I just loved her so much and was so worried about everything! I think the counselling will help. Try to enjoy these baby moments! They don't lost for long at all.
Just to put your mind at ease towards the scratch, my daughter is 7 now and you can barely see it. I only notice because I'm her mumGrin
Good luck with your precious baby Flowers

chocolateandtea123 · 21/10/2022 09:31

Meant to say also, don't feel any mum guilt. Baby is safe and loved. You're doing your best. Be proud of yourself Daffodil

Bobbins2022 · 21/10/2022 10:18

Last Christmas day my 2 year old had a spectacular fall over a chair and had an awful cut on his nose. It lasted for months and months but is gone now. Don't beat yourself up these things happen.

Reva07 · 10/12/2022 06:38

Hey! My oldest son has scratched his younger brothers face and he has left indents and fine line scars on his face. I completely understand your Mum gulit as I worry 24/7 about his scars on his face and blame myself. Hoping they fade over the years and I just accept it wasn't my fault.

Original poster
firsttimemama1994 · 10/12/2022 08:09

@Reva07

You've commented on my other post too, I'm the same person 😊

How long has it been since your son scratched your other son? X

OP posts:
HimalayaSalts · 10/12/2022 08:18

It will go away, DD scratched her face when she was that age, I tried to cut her nails while she naps, but it was so hard to get her to sleep during the day that I always preferred not to disturb her, who knows, you could've cut her nails but accidentally hurt her finger while doing it .. etc

I have mum guilt almost everyday from little details, some of them pass quickly some of them stick with me for days/weeks, the scratch mark will go away, stop worrying.

Original poster
firsttimemama1994 · 10/12/2022 08:31

Thanks for commenting @HimalayaSalts . It's been nearly 6 months since it happened, it's still there indented in her skin. I'm going to assume it's going to fade/stretch out as she gets older. It still upsets me every day. It's hard to not feel guilty when I can see if. I've seen both a counsellor and currently seeing a hypnotherapist about it.

OP posts:
Ifyoudreamofsanddunes · 10/12/2022 08:37

My son split his chin wide open when he came off a rope swing and it all needed gluing back together. The nurse used to work at a maxiofacial (sp?) clinic on Harley Street and said the best thing you can do to reduce scars is to massage vaseline in a circular motion, twice a day for 2 minutes, for a year.

Swipe left for the next trending thread