Nursery behaviour

[rosale]

Just wondering if anyone else has had concerns about their child's behaviour caused by nursery?

I'd say 90% of the time I'd class myself as quite a gentle parent and when ds does something (hitting, biting etc) I always explain why it is he shouldn't do it (it hurts that person, it makes them feel sad when it hurts etc) and I encourage (but don't force) him to say sorry to whoever he's hurt.

Nursery have advised me that the way they deal with it is to say 'no!' And send ds away and comfort the other child. They said they have no concerns and the amount it's happening is completely normal for a child just over 2.

If I try and speak to ds about something he's doing wrong, no matter how calm I am he now runs off and lays on the floor. Am I right to not be that happy with the way nursery are disciplining him? Am I right in thinking this could be causing him to run away when I try and speak to him because that's what he does at nursery?

For context - he's been at nursery since April 2022, and moved out of the baby room in August 2022. The room he's in now is children ranging from 2-4. It's been since he joined the older room that his behaviour has changed (I know this could coincide with his age too, but it seems out of character for how he used to be).

Thanks for any responses!

This is a perfectly reasonable response and is generally what's recommended on here. Your approach is fine for less severe misbehaviour - snatching, shouting etc - but IMO any violence or aggression must be dealt with pretty sharply or it continues.

@Ohwellwhateverthen thanks for your response! I get what you're saying and I am firm with him and I will tell him that it's not acceptable, but imo I always like to give him an explanation as to why his behaviour is wrong. I don't like the idea of him just being told no and sent away! 🤷‍♀️

Personally I’d be livid if I was the parent of the bitten kid and the biter didn’t get told no! Nursery’s first priority should be to keep the children safe, and that means dealing swiftly with anything violent like hitting or biting. A sharp NO and being removed from whatever they were doing is at a level that a 2 year old should easily understand and it rightly prioritises the child that was hurt. If it’s lack of sharing or similar then by all means tackle it with a simple but empathetic chat, I would do the same, but hurting another child IMO warrants a sharper response.

Thing is your explanations obviously aren’t really landing are they? If it worked it would be great but either he doesn’t understand why he shouldn’t do it (most likely) or doesn’t care. The explanations aren’t working.

At my nursery we just say ‘teeth are NOT for biting/kind hands ONLY’ and move the child away quite firmly/sit them down, and put all the attention onto comforting the hurt child.

DD’s nursery say ‘no thank you’ and I don’t mind. I think it’s unreasonable to expect the nursery to bend to your specific parenting style. They couldn’t possibly do that for everyone, and a firm no seems perfectly reasonable. The explaining can happen at home as you do anyway.

There a really big behavioural changes around that age too, sometimes to the point you might not recognise your child’s behaviour but it’s very normal and sticking to the usual boundaries means it usually resolves.

I think your wishy washy gentle parenting will come back to bite you op. He deserves a firm no for bad behaviour. He won't always be little, but he will learn that all he will get from you is a wet response.

@Kanaloa the explanation given at your nursery sounds fine, that is an explanation. What I don't agree with is simply 'No' and nothing more.

As I've said tho this is just my opinion, and in no way am I disagreeing that he needs to know the behaviour is wrong. Trust me I agree with that. I just like to explain!

Okay just to confirm, i am not a complete push over of a parent, 'wishy washy' or anything of the sort. My son knows boundaries and he knows right from wrong. He is a lovely child who is well behaved. I think it would be pretty miraculous for any just turned two year old to never lash out. He knows when he has done something wrong, I just fully believe that explaining is the key to a child that respects you.

But if he fully knows when he’s done something wrong, understands boundaries, and already has a firm grasp of right and wrong, then he’ll be able to link biting someone and being told ‘no’ won’t he?

Maybe the nursery doesn’t suit though. You can always look for a smaller setting or even a childminder or a nanny if finances allow.

He knows that biting and hitting is wrong, he doesn't need an explanation every time. I practice gentle discipline but I would deal with it in a similar way to nursery - my primary focus would be on comforting and making a fuss over the child who has been hurt. I would then talk to him along the lines of "it's ok to have cross feelings about something, but I cannot let you hurt other children" then "what can we do to make this right" I wouldn't force an apology but I would model one, for example, "it looks like Lucy is really upset, I'm sorry Jimmy hurt you Lucy" .

Yeah you do sound a bit width washy and those are the kids I always see acting up. A clear and firm NO is better in the long run.

I think you can ask nursery to have a talk with him after. There are also books they can read to them about "hands are for love" or something like that.

In my DS's nursery they never said no and only did the softly softly explanation approach and it was utter chaos. The kids hit all the time and it was terrible. I would've absolutely preferred a firm no instead.

I'd be pretty pissed off if my child came home with teeth marks and the child in question who did it, got a 'please don't do that, it's not nice.'

The child needs a sharp no and needs to be taken away from other children in that moment. My DD is 2 next month. She has bitten once, and scratched once. She gets a sharp 'no' and taken away from the situation. She after she has calmed down I will explain why.
There's no use in a wishy washy approach just when they've bitten someone / hurt someone.

Don't get upset about your child running away and laying on the floor. It shows they know they've done something wrong. Your approach would be good in your circumstances IF it was working. If he is still biting (yes every toddler bites every now and again) but if he's doing it regularly, you need to change discipline tactics with a firmer approach.

But the hurt child is presumably visibly hurt/upset in a way that you aren't as an adult, a child crying is their way of saying I'm sad you've hurt me. Your child has an explanation, just not in the verbal way you normally do it.

If he only runs from you after bad behaviour it shows that he knows it's wrong. If he runs from you after an accident or misunderstanding then that's much more of a problem because he clearly doesn't understand.

Kind of depends what you mean by 'send him away' and also on the staffing levels. At home you are presumably one to one with your child (unless there's a sibling), in which case your first priority will be them regardless of behaviour. If, however, you're a nursery worker and have to split your attention between the child that's been bitten and the ones that's done the biting then it makes sense to comfort the child that's been bitten immediately, ask the 'biter' to wait a little way a way until you've comforted the biter, and then once the bitten child is settled go and speak to the 'biter'. I also don't think using the word 'no' is a bad thing, it's a very clear instruction that sometimes needs using in an emergency situation.

At home we loosely follow the 'how to talk so little kids will listen' ideology and would remove the 'biter' using language like 'I can't let you hurt your little sister' and then have a conversation about it once they've (both) calmed down.

@NannyR thank you for your response. If nursery where speaking to him about it after I would be absolutely fine with the initial first no. The response you modelled is what I use at home 😊

Well he's running away because he knows he can run rings around you and all he will get is a wet oh darling, don't do that. You need to bring him back and firmly get it into him that this was naughty and not ok.

To also clarify, this is not something he is doing 'all' the time. I asked nursery about it as he recently hit my niece so I was interested to know if he displays this behaviour at nursery.

Maybe I worded this whole thing wrong, I am not concerned about the amount he is hiting or biting, he does this occasionally as a normal toddler would.

So I am not wishy washy and my child is not out of control running around biting everyone.

I think for most young children it's an attention thing so the nursery workers are trying to centre their attention on the hurt child instead of your ds. If they (or you) are sitting down with him and having a 'chat' he'll likely thrive on that and see any attention as good attention. They mostly don't understand 'a chat' at this age and we have to make them understand with the (harsh) tone of our voice. Obv this can be done without humiliating the child of course

But you've said you're unhappy because he runs away and lays on the floor after he's done something wrong, and the fact you don't like a sharp urgent 'no'

Sounds a bit wishy washy to me.

@Worthyornot did I at any point say that I don't use a firm voice when giving these explanations? And tell him 'we do not bite' firmly? No. I was telling people the explanation I give him as I've said many times imo I think explanation is very important. So stop jumping to conclusions with your sarcy comments!

I don’t think this is fair. Firstly, you can’t really parent your child out of doing something if you aren’t even there - for example at nursery. Secondly, the op has said he DOESN’T ‘constantly run around biting people.’ And thirdly kids sometimes bite for lots of reasons, not always the parents’ fault.

@rosale you're doing him no favours never telling him no and not disciplining the biting.

Take him out of nursery if you want but then you do need way to stop him biting other kids