Nursery behaviour

[rosale]

Just wondering if anyone else has had concerns about their child's behaviour caused by nursery?

I'd say 90% of the time I'd class myself as quite a gentle parent and when ds does something (hitting, biting etc) I always explain why it is he shouldn't do it (it hurts that person, it makes them feel sad when it hurts etc) and I encourage (but don't force) him to say sorry to whoever he's hurt.

Nursery have advised me that the way they deal with it is to say 'no!' And send ds away and comfort the other child. They said they have no concerns and the amount it's happening is completely normal for a child just over 2.

If I try and speak to ds about something he's doing wrong, no matter how calm I am he now runs off and lays on the floor. Am I right to not be that happy with the way nursery are disciplining him? Am I right in thinking this could be causing him to run away when I try and speak to him because that's what he does at nursery?

For context - he's been at nursery since April 2022, and moved out of the baby room in August 2022. The room he's in now is children ranging from 2-4. It's been since he joined the older room that his behaviour has changed (I know this could coincide with his age too, but it seems out of character for how he used to be).

Thanks for any responses!

@Triplecarbs my son runs away and hides on the floor however I deal with the behaviour. He's hiding because he knows he's done wrong and he's embarrassed. Because I've explained enough about how his behaviour impacts other peoples emotions. So he's ashamed, and when we're talking about it after I have firmly told him it's wrong and removed him from the situation, he will tell me 'so and so is sad' and he fully knows he caused that and he'll apologise. And he's only just turned two. I think that's pretty good.

Doing my job? Haha if only you knew anything about mine and my sons lives. I am not 'stamping my feet' as people are disagreeing. I'm getting my back up because of people like you, with your sad comments of 'thank the nursery for doing your job for you' when you have absolutely NO idea. Imagine someone telling you to thank someone else for parenting your child for you... sure you wouldn't take it the best. But I do forget most people on Mumsnet just loves to make people feel like shit!

Why did you ask for advice on here if you think that ‘most people on mumsnet love to make people like shit’ Would you have said the same thing if everyone agreed with you?
I think not!

When you say that the nursery tells him ‘no’, are they shouting? If so, that’s not on. I hate nurseries that shout at little kids.

Gentle parenting is fine. I’ve done it with all of mine and none of them has once ever hit or bitten another child. They’re all girls though. I do think that parenting boys can be a different experience from what my friends have said.

I work in Early Years. If a child deliberately hits or bites another child they are immediately removed with a sharp “No we do not hurt our friends!” Then all the attention is given to the child that was hurt. The conversation comes after we have dealt with the hurt child, it’s important for the biting /hitting child to know that the other child is the priority.

OP, lots of people on her conflate gentle parenting with permissive parenting and assume it involves gently saying to your child “Oh no sweetie, we mustn’t bite” while letting them chomp away on their friends without consequence.

Assuming you’re talking about actual gentle parenting (firm boundaries but not just screaming at them or sending them to the naughty step), I can see where you’re coming from but I think the point made by a PP that the nursery isn’t going to necessarily share your early years philosophy and with multiple children to look after, a firm “no” to a child who knows perfectly when they shouldn’t bite is fair enough. If they are then sending him away as some kind of ‘punishment” and that causing upset, then I think it would be fair to just have a informal discussion with them about it.

But yes, mentioning gentle parenting on here is like a red rag to a lot of bulls!

If a child is repeatedly hurting others and not responding to ‘gentle parenting’ then of course nursery needs to try other methods. Gentle parenting isn’t for everyone and sounds like it’s certainly not for your son.

Other than the violence and running and hiding is there any other indicators of special needs? Maybe worth a chat with the nursery senco if this continues.

If a child is repeatedly hurting others and not responding to ‘gentle parenting’ then of course nursery needs to try other methods.

He’s not ‘repeatedly’ doing it though. Some of the people on this thread have been incredibly rude and judgmental and have decided to fill in the gaps with untrue assumptions just because they like hiding behind their screens and being nasty to strangers on the internet.

OP has responded explaining that she’d actually prefer this though. She just wants them to say something like ‘we don’t x’ rather than just saying ‘no.’

I think maybe you just need a different nursery @rosale My daughter is a very anxious child and we chose a nursery for her which is small and where the staff are not abrasive with the children etc. And it’s in the top 25 nurseries in the West Midlands. I think it’s understandable that you’d want to teach your child why it’s in their own interests not to hurt other people. Not just have someone shout ‘no’ at him. What does that really do?

He’s not ‘repeatedly’ doing it though. Some of the people on this thread have been incredibly rude and judgmental and have decided to fill in the gaps with untrue assumptions just because they like hiding behind their screens and being nasty to strangers on the internet.
Totally agree, there's been a real pile on on this thread and people have been vile to the OP. I can't see anything wrong with what the OP is doing with regards to disciplining occasional, normal toddler misbehaviour - I do more or less the same with the children I look after as a nanny and they are very well behaved. People are confusing permissive "wishy washy" parenting with gentle, respectful parenting.

The child has hit its cousin and is biting at nursery, therefore the incidents are repeated, the child is not correcting its behaviour despite various methods of discipline. It’s hardly being nasty to point that out, it’s kinda the point of the thread…

The nursery are not the ones who think there is a problem though. They were not the ones who approached the OP about his behaviour, she asked them how they deal with such things.

TBH, if she’s only just noticing him doing it to family members then he may have learned it from another child.

Another child at nursery*

But practically all children (including those who are disciplined "normally") also repeat behaviours, I don't know any children who behave perfectly after being told once not to do something, it's part of being a toddler and needs gentle, consistent discipline. Just because a child repeats a behaviour, it doesn't mean that there is necessarily something wrong with how the parent is dealing with it.

I suppose it’s hard to say without more background like how long it’s been happening for, how many incidents etc. I think PP is right though that gentle parenting doesn’t work for some behaviours and indeed some children.

Plus I think how you view and deal with it at home when your own family are the victim is going to be very different to nursery when they will likely be faced with an angry parent of the victim. They may feel they have to deal with it more firmly to show they are taking action, whereas Auntie Kim will be more lenient with little Henry hitting his cousin.

I think people need to remember this is not AIBU. The parenting section always used to be so supportive. How unfortunate that it has turned into this.

They probably do.

I think people are supportive on this board, but on this thread are simply pointing out that they wouldnt want their child at nursery with a kid who’s parent think he shouldn’t be told no for biting.

Amazing. Saying people are supportive on this board and then completely misrepresenting what the OP said.

Which isn’t what the poster has said at all. She’s said she would prefer they dealt with it differently. Which many nurseries do. Most say something like ‘teeth are not for biting’ and if a child does it repeatedly they will put measures into place. They certainly wouldn’t tell the bitten child’s parents ‘don’t worry, we shouted no at him.’

If he’s usually well behaved is this not all a bit of a non-issue? It’s a one off occurrence where he’s hurt someone, he doesn’t usually - they said ‘no’ and instead you would say ‘no, yada yada yada.’ If it’s a one off then so what?

I don’t believe that the nursery staff would just shout NO at a child and leave it at that, surely there will be kind hands, teeth aren’t for biting etc.

Unless he’s a serial offender and they’ve done all that and the child is still repeating the behaviour so they’re trying a short sharp NO to try and shock him out of the action.

I think it would be pretty miraculous for any just turned two year old to never lash out.

Seriously? If by lashing out you mean hitting or biting another child, no, it's not miraculous to never do that. Neither of mine ever did. The occasional tantrum, yes, but hitting or biting? Never.

I don’t believe that the nursery staff would just shout NO at a child and leave it at that, surely there will be kind hands, teeth aren’t for biting etc.

So you assume that all nurseries deal with things exactly as you would want them to? It’s funny you can assume that but simultaneously decide to reject what the OP’s perspective is of what is going on.