Nursery behaviour

[rosale]

Just wondering if anyone else has had concerns about their child's behaviour caused by nursery?

I'd say 90% of the time I'd class myself as quite a gentle parent and when ds does something (hitting, biting etc) I always explain why it is he shouldn't do it (it hurts that person, it makes them feel sad when it hurts etc) and I encourage (but don't force) him to say sorry to whoever he's hurt.

Nursery have advised me that the way they deal with it is to say 'no!' And send ds away and comfort the other child. They said they have no concerns and the amount it's happening is completely normal for a child just over 2.

If I try and speak to ds about something he's doing wrong, no matter how calm I am he now runs off and lays on the floor. Am I right to not be that happy with the way nursery are disciplining him? Am I right in thinking this could be causing him to run away when I try and speak to him because that's what he does at nursery?

For context - he's been at nursery since April 2022, and moved out of the baby room in August 2022. The room he's in now is children ranging from 2-4. It's been since he joined the older room that his behaviour has changed (I know this could coincide with his age too, but it seems out of character for how he used to be).

Thanks for any responses!

@livealatte you're obviously just a judgemental person. I have said many times, I do tell him 'we do not bite' firmly. My child is disciplined he's just explained to as well, which will help him in the future. I dread to think how your children will grow up if you think 'no' is all they need in their life, would never normally judge someone else's parenting choices, but as you're judging mine...

@Kanaloa thank you for reading the comments I've written after 😊

"As apposed to a child who's been told nothing but no their whole life."

They've just told him no, because he was biting, and they were bang on, because your approach clearly didn't work did it op?

There will be other occasions when your way will be right. Calling people "judgemental arseholes " over this, makes you look ridiculous.

The nursery are right and you are wrong. Zero tolerance

@KatMcBundleFace the reason I said judgements arsehole is because she wrote her message without knowing the facts. Judging my parenting. Therefore - I am in my write to get annoyed about that.

You also saying my approach clearly isn't working, you obviously have a 2 year old who never hits, bites or anything of the sort. I bet your child is an angel! As I've written, this is not something he does regularly it's something that happens occasionally. If my approach didn't work he'd be doing it all the time.

Therefore your comment is of 0 relevance!

*right

You've had a lot of professionals share their opinion. Probably difficult to hear but worth listening to?

No is enough. He knows biting and hitting is wrong. No! Remove him. End of.

He doesn’t need Wishy Washy explanations and gentle parenting bollox “we don’t bite Darling, people don’t like it, it makes them feel all sad inside, Ok Boo Boo? There’s a good boy”.

Short, sharp, nipped in the bud discipline exactly how the school do it. They are on the ball!

@purplewolfie I have a degree in early years. I am a professional. I studied child psychology and early years development for 7 years.

As I keep saying everyone's to quick to judge when they know nothing about my life.

I have no issue with people giving me advice that's why I posted on here, and I don't think everyone's opinion should be the same as mine. I have an issue when people are judgemental and make rude remarks without knowing the background.

Even with a firm no every time they might still keep doing it, my ds does. Janet Lansbury says that impulse control is something that has to neurologically develop and everyone does it in their own time. Unfortunately some of us have buyers and it isn’t because we don’t emphasise that we are horrified, it’s in spite of it. Mine gets bitten too so I know he isn’t the only one!!

Well then why do you feel the need to ask on here!? You must be pretty confident in your own knowledge and skilled enough to discuss it with the nursery

@Northbynorthbreast thanks for your response, you are exactly right. Impulse control is not achievable for a child whose just turned two. They learn that as time goes on, which is why explanation alongside discipline is so important as it helps them develop empathy and impulse control in later life! All children of this age will occasionally lash out in one way or another, as even though they know it's wrong, they don't have the ability just yet to control it every time 😊

@purplewolfie I've asked on here because just because I'm clued up in this area, I still don't believe I know it all and thought some outside opinions could be valuable to me.

That's good! 😂 do what you think is best, OP. Sounds like this was a bit of miscommunication and jumping to conclusions on the part of PPs but it's clear MN agrees with "no" as a course of action.

I'd say the nursery workers are doing him a favour by making it clear he shouldnt bite. One day he'll bite the wrong child and get back what he gave. Sorry, OP, you do sound wishy washy. My eldest was a biter and I was mortified when he bit a child at nursery. It didn't cross my mind to question whether the nursery workers had been too harsh on him. My concern was for the child who was bit. Little children often don't understand lots of words. They do understand NO!

When people explain things to their young children I often wonder if the child is mature enough to understand. 'No' is easily understood, and doesn't need an explanation.

OK. This made me laugh a bit!😁

Jesus these posts! Get a grip!
The poor little darling doesn’t like been told No!!
This wishy washy parenting is always practiced by wet lettuces!

No wonder increasing numbers of reception age children are exhibiting bratty behaviour
The foundations of good behaviour are obviously not practiced at home.
I despair!

Exactly and no one likes children like these. Op obviously knows best that's why her ds runs away when she uses her gentle voice. Op your concern needs to be for the child bitten and you should be embarrassed that your issue is with how nursery dealt with it.

This wishy washy mum is done! Obviously no one is reading the comments I've since posted, clarifying that this is not something he does often, he is firmly told also we don't bite and removed from the situation, apologies for wanting to explain to my child why what he's doing is wrong! He's a lovely, well behaved, caring little boy who I'm very proud of! And very proud of my parenting 😁👍🏼

I haven’t read all the replies, but I think the nursery are handling this properly. The problem is, you say you’re 90% of the time a gentle parent but 90% of parents aren’t, so the nursery wont be able to treat everyone’s child the way you treat yours. Presumably you don’t mind when your child is bitten, but most do (even though it’s a right of passage!) and will want the situation dealt with properly. I think Most would appreciate the approach of “the buyer needs to be told NO and the biter needs to see all attention put on the child they’ve bitten”. Sounds like you don’t care when your child is bitten but of mine was (normal behaviour as you say) and the child was given an explanation rather than a stern word I’d be furious. They need a firm NO.

I think posters are really taking the op the wrong way/zoning in on the ‘gentle parenting’ thing. She’s just saying she’d prefer more attention put into how it’s being dealt with. Obviously in nurseries that’s just not always possible. She’s not suggesting they pick her child up and coo ‘no bitey bitey you little darling’ and lavish him with kisses while booting the bitten child out into the garden.

I mean if we’re going to be honest about it, if he’s doing this regularly they need to put into process preventative measures to support him in the setting. He’s 2, if he’s biting and hitting he needs closer supervision. OP’s gentle way isn’t working but if we’re being clear neither is the ‘no!’ method, because he’s still doing it. Some children need extra support for this type of behaviour. I don’t think piling on the op and suggesting she’s some kind of shit mum is helpful since he isn’t even doing this when she’s there, so it’s not like she could stop him either way.

Sonething I never understand about these types of posts is the absolute lack of any awareness about how these kids are perceived by their peers and their peers parents!
If the biting continues OP your little darling will be known as ‘that kid,’ with the wanky parents who never discipline him.
You can forget about the party invites or the sleepovers!
I have many teacher friends, and they tell me they see this happening all the time in their classrooms, when a child gets a reputation for being aggressive.

You are doing your kid no favours!

I would be absolutely ashamed and embarrassed, and apologising to the parent of the child my kid had bitten.
Instead, you get the whiny self indulgent parents trying to apportion blame to everyone and anyone but their own little angel. 😌

@Triplecarbs take a second to read my comments that clarify I've worded this wrong and it's not something he's doing regularly it is on the odd occasion. So no I should not be ashamed or embarrassed. And my child will be perfectly accepted by his peers considering he's just like the rest. And he's a sweet, caring boy. Bother to read, or don't comment.

@Kanaloa thank you!

@rosale I have read! Your son runs away when you ‘gently’ ask him not to do something.
Obviously your ‘gentle’ request is not working is it?
You should be thanking the nursery for doing your job!
I’ll comment as much as I like thanks. Another one who stamps her feet if anyone disagrees with her!