What made you choose to have a child?

[MingZi]

I want to have a family, but I have worries and hesitations. Would like to hear your stories/opinions.
I think what I want the most of a child/family is to enjoy a close relationship. Nothing makes me happier than having a strong and loving relationship with someone, to love and to be loved.

However having a child doesn't guarantee a close/loving relationship at all. I have seen too many unhappy families, heard all kinds of complaints about families, witnessed all sorts of family issues.

There was a thread on MN this morning, in which many people admit they don't have a good relationship with their mothers. I had a miserable original family myself. My birth marked the darkest day in my parents life because they wanted a boy only and I let them down, purely culture bias and nothing that I could change...

The horrible original family experience depresses me very much and gives me no confidence to build and maintain a happy family of my own.

When I realised that although I could think of lots of reasons not to, my instincts were to do it.

Quite simply, because I wanted one

Just broodiness really … I didn’t think all that carefully about it tbh.

Because I knew I would regret it if I didn’t.

Having a child is hard, but it is also the most rewarding thing you can do.

@YellowTreeHouse would love to hear about the rewards. Most of parents only moan to others

For my parents, having children is a risk investment, to raise someone who will care for them when they are old. They are highly profit driven, "min input for max rewards" in terms of money. Everything is measured by money, e.g. they always try to find out how much the gifts I gave them were worth, the more expensive the better...

I didn’t. My kids dad told me that he was infertile.
3 months after we met, I was pregnant.
The best mistake I’ve ever made.

It took me a long time to decide to go for it, and in truth never felt 100% sure. But I felt it was one of life’s greatest experiences and I didn’t want to miss out.

I'm the kind of person who's just always wanted kids, it was a really easy choice for me.

@Merryclaire I feel like this too, are you happy with your decision?
I also feel really stressed, because if I become a mother, I want to be a good one, to be able to provide them love and care as well as materials, want to keep them safe, happy, well educated, to bring out their talent, not sure if I am capable of doing all of that...

I felt very ambivalent on the issue. My husband wanted children so that decided it for me. If I was with someone who didn't want children I would have happily not had any. Now we have a child, I can't imagine life without her. I don't have that all consuming love people talk about, but she does bring me great joy and I feel a sense of commitment to her I've never experienced before. Giving up my time for her is effortless and watching her grow is fascinating. It's bloody hard work, but I'm glad we have her in our lives.

I was never hugely maternal, never had a drive to have a baby, never broody. BUT I married my husband and wanted to have HIS children. I didn't want children by myself, I didn't want to have children regardless of who I was with, I wanted children specifically with him.

Now I have a toddler and goodness me they are the absolute bestest things ever and I love him so much! And the love I have for my child far surpasses anything I feel for my husband too, which is the funny thing about it all.

Just because your parents weren't the parents they should have been to you doesn't mean you will repeat their behavior, don't miss out on what can be the best thing in your life because of their disgusting attitude.
I had no desire for kids at all until i met my husband at 24 and i wanted his child in the future ,we had 3.
It is hard work ,i love them totally but there are moments when they anger you , drive you nuts etc , but i am glad we made a family - sounds slushy i know ! i have a sense of belonging.
Saying that i think i still would have had a happy life child free and i definitely can see the advantages of that choice.

It’s early days as I’m in the thick of it with a newborn.

I find it tiring and hard, and often feel I’m not cut out for it. I worry if I’ll be a good mum - whether I’ll have enough energy to keep up with her, and enough patience to entertain her.

But I love her so much and even at the hardest moments wouldn’t send her back.

For love. It’s the most amazing thing to adore and be adored so completely.

I found myself pregnant at 44 having been told a decade earlier that I couldn't have children. It was a shock, but I never doubted what I was going to do.

And it has been the best thing I have ever done. So far, DS (14) and I get on great. 😊

I always knew I wanted children, just an absolute baseline instinct, but I did critically engage with considering why. I thought I’d be a good mum (and DH a good dad when I met him) I was willing to do the research to get it as right as possible, learn about child development, put the work in. I was happy for my life to change to be good for children, I wanted a family life. It was much more compelling that the draw of a childfree life and what that could include.
You can’t guarantee anything with kids, they have their own personalities and wants and drivers from the get go, you can only control your side and what you do, not their lives. I think good parenting is recognising that it’s not a two way relationship by default, it can only become two way if your children choose that as adults.

Honestly? If you want all that, if you think that much about it, you're half way there. The rest will work itself out.

I was never that bothered but thought I would regret it further down the line if I didn't.

I just had the one as it's all I could cope with! I love him fiercely, but I won't lie, parenthood is bloody hard, it's relentless.

Do you have a partner? It helps a lot if you're with a partner who's a decent and good person.

I never wanted to have dcs til I was 30 then I had a strong desire to have a family of my own. Best thing ever.

@tsmainsqueeze unfortunately I have noticed that my parents made a great impact on my personality and behaviour. My mum verbally abused me all the years and I believed all she said because she's my mum and "no mums will hurt their children". I have travelled half the world to run away from her, but her voice is built in my head, criticising everything I do. I haven't felt happy since I was about 6 years old and I have no idea how to care for people's feelings including my own... I am worried I will be a bad mother and I don't want to have a bad relationship with my child

@MingZi have you had any counselling to deal with your difficulties? I went through quite a bit before I felt finally comfortable that I was mentally in the best place to make such a big decision.

Shitty parents here too. Absolutely should not have had kids.

But I am not them.

At 30 the desire overwhelmed me. I absolutely wanted a child.
We had lived a wonderful, free, happy life. established our careers, renovated our house, travelled, enjoyed our life as a couple and as individuals. We were ready.

Then came long periods of infertility followed closely by multiple miscarriages.

We went on to have our children.

My dh is a much much better parent than me. He is utterly devoted to them. Does 80% of the childcare. Together, we make a great team.

Lucky beyond measure.

I always wanted babies. As a child as young as 11 I would look after other people's babies at any opportunity. I also had inadequate parents (putting it politely) but it taught me how NOT to parent. I'm a naturally kind and caring person manifested in the jobs I've done over the years and my adult children still seem to want to be with me......... So I can't have done too bad a job of it as I wanted to get away from mine ASAP.

@ILiveInSalemsLot I have been married for years, been with my husband for 16 years now. He is not a fan of children, I have always said I wanted children. He is saying he wants one now, not sure if he is saying that just because he doesn't want to lose me. He is a nice and decent person, loves me very much, just not motivated or capable at work, long hours, low pay, no job security. His family has said they don't want to help at all.
It's hard for a woman to balance between family and work, life will be so stressful if I have to pay for a big mortgage and bills and childcare all by myself. This actually makes me consider divorce, I cannot handle the frustration of giving up on having a family because I am not supported. Then I question myself, is it worth breaking the marriage for an opportunity to have a child, I don't even know if I can find someone else that I want to have a child with. I even have doubts in having children itself...
This has given me many sleepless nights