What made you choose to have a child?

[MingZi]

I want to have a family, but I have worries and hesitations. Would like to hear your stories/opinions.
I think what I want the most of a child/family is to enjoy a close relationship. Nothing makes me happier than having a strong and loving relationship with someone, to love and to be loved.

However having a child doesn't guarantee a close/loving relationship at all. I have seen too many unhappy families, heard all kinds of complaints about families, witnessed all sorts of family issues.

There was a thread on MN this morning, in which many people admit they don't have a good relationship with their mothers. I had a miserable original family myself. My birth marked the darkest day in my parents life because they wanted a boy only and I let them down, purely culture bias and nothing that I could change...

The horrible original family experience depresses me very much and gives me no confidence to build and maintain a happy family of my own.

@catchthedog I am having counselling now, not sure how much that can help, worth trying at least

Honestly, my dh gave me a massive nudge, he was more keen than me. I was never broody BUT I surprised myself and have actually loved being a mum. So now,
I don't think that pre baby broodiness is necessarily a sign of how maternal you'll be.

Because I wanted one

My parents had children because to my Df it was a way to demonstrate his masculinity. My dm then spent our childhood telling us that having children was the worst mistake she had ever made and we had wrecked her life. You're right, it stays with you and makes you feel rotten. I too left as soon as possible.

That doesn't mean you will be a bad mum. Quite the opposite. You know the damage all those loaded comments can have. You'll be fine. I love & care for my son. I actively enjoy being with him, I enjoy giving him all the things I didn't have, helping him, seeing his achievements.

Don't deprive yourself of that joy.

I got pregnant.

Always knew it was part of the plan. I didn’t analyse the decesion like you are doing.

Because I had always wanted children from a young age
Large extended family growing up so lots of little ones around and i loved babies, toddlers etc and just always knew I wanted my own family one day

My dh took more convincing as he also had a crappy childhood, but he now tells everyone best thing he ever did and prob talks about them too much to people

Quite simply, my heart wanted a child. I was absolutely aching for a child. Then a second child. Then the feeling just switched off and the idea of having any more is a complete "nope" to me.

Wasn't a conscious choice, or one my brain was particularly on board with (I was having fun drinking and spaffing all my money away) but it was an overwhelming urge. I'm glad I did though. It's been so so hard at times, my eldest is autistic which presents its own complications, but so so rewarding at the same time.

It's so good to see all the mothers here enjoy having a family.

Fear of missing out? I was very ambivalent but I hit my mid 30s and something changed. I guess I felt like I needed to know what it was like to have kids.
I imagined my life never knowing and felt sad.

I guess also I was fed up if just working and living for the weekend. Something needed to change. The other option would have been to live a very different lifestyle.

Incidentally, having kids is the best thing Ive ever done. It's changed me on ways I simply didn't think possible and brought so much joy. It helped that I was over the party life well before I had kids. Not everyone feels like this and I can understand why but if I were 5 years younger I'd have another 2!

Some similar experience to yours but my parents are/were very selfless and just wanted to give us the best of whatever they had. I saw them miserable though for their own personal reasons, but they were great parents. I took very long time to understand and decide what was best. Eventually had a child and it's the best and the true selfless loving experience

It's up to you to have a good relationship with your child and it really is al in your hands

Just respond to your baby, that's literally it. Spend all the time you can with them and get a proper connection with them.

My child came along by accident and now I'm older I realise how empty my life would be without her. It was never empty, not for one minute, and I have great friends and hobbies, but the stark reality of growing older with no real connection to the world is what hit me.

I'd shake your life up now and find a man who wants to provide for a family. They exist in droves. How old are you?

It's not going to work with a work shy husband because you will find quickly that being with your baby all day is incompatible with being in work all day.

It wasn’t something I weighed the pros and cons over. It was something I expected to do and wanted to do. I can’t imagine choosing not to have children. It’s alien to me even though it’s been far, far harder than I thought! Being a mum is part of me.

I wanted the life that would come with being a parent. Took 4 years of trying including IVF, was absolutely broken at the thought of a childless life. DD is only 11 months but my time with her has been absolutely wonderful (and hard of course, the first 3 months were brutal). So many rewards, hugs and kisses, a face that lights up when she sees you, laughing together, seeing her experience the world as someone totally new to it, sharing in her awe and wonder at the simple things, teaching her things and watching her learn and grow each day. I would love for us to be close once she’s an adult but if for whatever reason we aren’t I still will have had amazing times with her and fantastic memories.

I was so worried about how I would have a good relationship with my daughter as my relationship with my parents is not what I would choose. One of the reasons I had her was in the hope of building the kind, loving, strong family unit I've always wanted. For her first couple of years I was wracked with fear of how could I build a good relationship with her when I don't have a model for how I want it to be? I spent some time in therapy and doing some self-improvement sort of thing, and realised in the end that I am not my mother, and I would not be making the same mistakes. I do not need the perfect model to achieve a good relationship with my daughter. She's five now and having her has been the best decision of my life.

I'd had that maternal longing since I was small. I've always wanted to nurture things/animals/babies. Then when I met my husband, I realised I didn't want any baby, I wanted his baby. Together for 11 years first, not something we wanted to rush into.

@bingbummy I am in late 30s now, not much time left to think about this. I have been thinking about having a family since late 20s. Husband is much older and decided to go back to uni to study for qualification and masters in his mid 40s, which made baby plan impossible for the last 6 years. I had to give up all I had to come to the UK, learn the language and culture, start a career from scratch again, provide for his studying, saving towards a home...worked as hard as I possibly can, just couldn't afford a child.
Husband's career hasn't gone well after studying, he was fired by the last two employers, never motivated to look for opportunities suit him better until he's fired. Ideally he wants to give up this profession or run abroad to any where he can get a job. That's his default reaction to any problems, avoid it, run away, wouldn't face it/solve it unless there is absolutely no other options. I want to settle down and won't throw everything away to drift in the world with him anymore.

I have three choices:

1. Stay married, don't have children, financially easier, but I may regret hugely and resent
2. Stay married and have a child, life will be very difficult. I will have to change my job, sell the house I just bought, move to somewhere cheaper with him. He may be fired again and may become unemployable in a few years time and he doesn't have much pension at all. I am worried because I don't earn that much to afford a house husband...
3. Get divorced and find someone else, there is no guarantee in find someone I like when I am still fertile...

No good choices in my opinion.

How did I let things lead to this? My husband has been telling me for over 10 years that his wealthy parents will help with childcare and will chip in towards our home. I got promoted with a huge pay rise and enable us to buy a home last year. I was planning to get pregnant quickly and have the child born this year. His parents made it very clear that they won't help at all, not even willing to lend us a small loan that we promised to repay in 2-5 years. I have to keep working to save up.

I have several friends who have left their useless partners and decided to have a baby alone. Obviously finances depending, but if you could afford even a small flat, short maternity leave and then childcare... you can do it alone.

Because I wanted my own family. I don't have a good relationship with my parents either and it was very important to me to have a family I could love and feel a part of.

I think as long as you give a child your time and love and accept them for who they are then it's very unlikely you won't have a close relationship. Don't overthink it.

@jadedspark it's a good point to say "accept who they are". It may be a challenge for me. For instance, if my child is not academic, I may think it's my responsibility. I haven't done enough to guide the child to the right direction or I must try harder to help the child to improve. Being not academic is not the end of the world, but will certainly rule out opportunities for certain professions. Making someone do the right thing can really damage the relationship.

I’ve just had my first child at 48. I was the least maternal woman ever pre baby. I met my DH at 43 and he expressed his desire to have a baby, I said no way. I found babies boring and had absolutely no interest in being a mother. I used to disappear out of the fire exit when colleagues brought their new offspring into the office for
enforced cuddles.

Then inexplicably something changed within me. I started to think babies were cute. I developed an urge to have a little baby of my own.

Having my son has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and to my surprise, I’ve taken to being a mother like a duck to water. I’m a natural! Friends and family are as taken aback as me. My son is incredible. I can’t put him down. I even enjoy the night feeds and nappy changes!

However, I would not have considered having a baby with a half hearted partner. A huge part of the joy for me has been watching my DH father our son. He’s a huge support. I could not have done this happily on my own.

Oh, and I have a pretty poor relationship with my mother. It only inspires me to be a better mother.

It's amazing and exhausting and bloody hard. My DC are Autistic, 2 of them had significant delays, I've done so much early therapy with them. Their level of needs mean I'm on all the time. I can see its not the same for other parents with DC same age as mine. I wouldn't change having them, I wouldn't change who they are. I'm sick, they get me out of bed on the worst days, they're the reason I keep fighting. I could explain how hard it is in a million ways. It's harder to put into words why it's amazing, why I love being a mum.

I always wanted to be a mum, if I wasn't so sick I'd love to have another couple. You get this little tiny baby who you're everything to and they turn into a toddler and you realise somewhere along the way that they were always themselves right from the start. You get to watch these little toddlers turn into children and learn to read, and talk back, and laugh and discover things, you see them hurt to, and that hurts.

I've found it so rewarding seeing them grow into people, being loved that much. Loving someone that much, it's not more, but different. It's not the same kind of love you have for a partner or a parent or a friend, it's fiercer, more protective. I've done things for my kids I could never do for myself. I've pushed myself way past the point I thought I'd break. Of all the things my illness threatened I was determined if I could hang on to just one thing it would be having children. I'm so grateful I got to do that. Having said all that I know it's not the right path for everyone it's amazing and amazingly hard and for some people their amazing is something else, their life might well be better without kids. Mine wouldn't have been.

I've wanted them since I was about 16: and knew I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have them. Doesn't sound very rational or logical I know, but it's the truth. Fortunately I was in a position to support children fairly early on in my adult life.