3 year old deliberately weeing during tantrums

[caggie3]

We are in a truly disgusting phase where if my (fully toilet trained, in pants and has been for ages) 3 year old is kicking off a lot, but when he doesn't get his way or is getting gold not to do something he will just look you in the eyes and piss all over the floor. Doesn't even take his clothes off just pisses all over himself and everything else. He's done it about 8 times this week, 3 times just today. I just want to cry it's so disgusting and totally out of line. This morning it was because he didn't want to go to school so he just kept doing it and we had to keep changing him. Yesterday it was because he hit the dog so I put him on the naughty step. Tonight it was because I turned the TV off for him to go and have a bath. What the bloody hell do I do to stop this? It's so out of character for him he's capable at communicating and has very good speech. Im just at a loss.

I will add he isn't getting his way from doing this, all of the actions he was protesting still happened. He is firmly told how disgusting it is to do that and tonight we actually put him back in a nappy and said his pants are gone if he carries on and he got very upset about that. I've also tried getting him to clean it up which ended up in an hour of screaming and hysterics. It's just scary having to tell him off at the moment as you just know he's going to piss everywhere. I'm really upset by it

Is he usually one for tantrums?

Could he have a UTI that is causing discomfort? Therefore making him irritable and more likely to have a tantrum? Just a completely out there question.

Can he articulate what happened afterwards? Have you asked him? Could he be worried about having an accident and then having a tantrum leading to him weeing.

Otherwise I expect he will move past the phase and hopefully soon.

My niece used to do exactly the same at age 3. In fact she pissed on the naughty step each and every time until the wooden tread disintegrated.

I don’t have any advice however my niece tired of pissing herself/furniture/stairs within a couple of months.

You poor thing, this sounds really really trying.
I haven't got any experience of this yet but I did just have my three year old hold in her wee for about ten hours a time and then wee all over the floor. Had to go to the doctor's to get checked for a UTI. But it was stressful.
How I dealt with it was to put her on the potty with no pressure to go multiple times a day and we would read books on there.
Now this is completely different scenario but for your own peace of mind and less clearing up could you read him a book on toilet/potty every so often so he would go there and not have any left for defiant wees.

As for dealing with the defiant ones, personally I think there has to be a immediate consequences, the same every time. In my heart I didn't agree but when my lo was hitting, my husband would put an ice lolly in the bin everytime she did and for a quick fix it did nip it the bud. So maybe something like that?
But deep down it sounds like he's struggling for control? Could you add some more control into his life?

Don’t let him see it’s bothering you. That’s just feeding into the idea that it’s a power he holds over you. I would have him in a pull up for now though or naked on his bottom half when at home. If he does it in his pants or on the floor just change him with no comment.

Honestly I would try a totally different approach to telling him off for it and telling him it's disgusting etc. I would completely ignore it and carry on. Strip him off and clean it up with minimal fuss as if it is totally boring.

He won't do it if it doesn't get any reaction.

Sounds like you need to stop and make yourself a cup of tea.

You are in a tantrum battle with a three year old and you are either going to lose or you are going to crush him in order to win, which is also a form of losing.

I am going to bet that you could let about 80% of the issues you are fighting over go and your life would improve with no problem.

What are the tantrums about? You said this when he doesn't get his way or is getting gold not to do something - can you list specifically what is going on?

Do you discuss his feelings with him? Is he very verbal?

Everything @lannistunut says! Lower your expectations. Get rid of the naughty step and start working together with him. 3 yr olds are like teenagers in a smaller body with fewer language skills to communicate what they're feeling/negotiate. Gives choices and allow him control where you can and you'll have far fewer battles/peeing on the floor and a much happier relationship.

Oh dear. One day it will be a funny story.
I'd concentrate on trying to get myself time to chill if I were you. Sounds like you're dealing with it ok in the moment, but looking after yourself is important. Try to have a day off or a morning off whenever you can and do something relaxing.

It must be super frustrating for you, you can get through this!!! 🙏🏻

I've tried this advice from the blog on my 2 year old who has frequent tantrums. It usually helps soften them and shorten them...

biglittlefeelings.com/how-to-manage-a-tantrum-already-in-progress/

Also make sure to give your son 10 minutes devoted attention a day and have him choose between two acceptable things throughout the day so he feels more in charge.

I wouldn't keep him in nappies as it's probably humiliating to him to be demoted from big boy like that.

Praying for your fam!

Could you laugh at him when he does it? Embarrass him that he's gone back to baby? Might put him off, just an idea.

My DD did the same. The advice I found worked for us was to give the deliberate wetting no attention, but lots of praise when she did go to the toilet herself.
For us it was an attention seeking behaviour.

This is genuinely abusive, you do not humiliate young children, especially not about toileting or you are at high risk of causing long term issues.

3 year olds love the reaction. So rather than horror and disgust, perhaps boredom & neutral- and specifically not giving him attention.

He is 3. He can presumably dress himself. So focus all your attention on cleaning the floor in a very bored way and completely ignore his wet clothes. He’ll get uncomfortable being damp, and you’re paying more attention to the floor than him, so it becomes lose/lose for him.

I told my daughter to clean herself up she refused I said fine stay in them then....no you can't sit on the sofa in dirty knickers no your not going to your bedroom in dirty knickers feel free to play outside in them the novelty wore off quite fast she loves outside but wet pants get cold fast

What the fuck? This would be abuse.

If you think that's abusive, you've obviously never experienced true abuse. I remember refusing to put my shoes on and my dad laughing and me and I realised fast I'd better do it if I wanted to be the big girl I thought I was 😂

Wow, the word abuse is really getting thrown around on this thread!

My DD did this too. It took me a while to realise she was doing it when she didn't get her own way. She'd do it around the corner in our hallway.

One day I cut her off at the pass, gave her a hug and said 'I know you're cross etc..." I can't remember if I did it a couple of times but it definitely stole her thunder and she just stopped. I'd tried ignoring and tried to be firm but neither had worked. They're odd little things and the important thing is that you don't get cross.

Yes, gentle parenting - the intercepting with understanding, the changing with no comment is all gentle parenting techniques. It works!

Read "the book you wish your parents had read"

And the natural consequence of - oh well, look we have to get you changed now and clean up this mess, so we will have to wait even longer to do [whatever tantrum was about] - is enough of a consequence for a 3 year old. Sounds sooooo enraging OP for sure!!

My ds used to do this. We had 6 months it it. He was dry in nursery. I tried ignoring it, having him tidy it up himself etc. Nothing worked.
So one day I just said Pants are for boys who wee in toilets. Nappies are for babies who wee in their clothes. You are weeing in your clothes so back to nappies. It’s ok if you want to be a baby.
Next day he asked for pants and stopped wetting himself.
Hope you find a solution.

Humiliation should never be used as a weapon against any child.

I would ignore him but don't go rushing to change his clothes. Clean up the mess in silence and leave him sitting in the wet clothes. He's looking for a reaction. He'll soon tire of it.