3 year old deliberately weeing during tantrums

[caggie3]

We are in a truly disgusting phase where if my (fully toilet trained, in pants and has been for ages) 3 year old is kicking off a lot, but when he doesn't get his way or is getting gold not to do something he will just look you in the eyes and piss all over the floor. Doesn't even take his clothes off just pisses all over himself and everything else. He's done it about 8 times this week, 3 times just today. I just want to cry it's so disgusting and totally out of line. This morning it was because he didn't want to go to school so he just kept doing it and we had to keep changing him. Yesterday it was because he hit the dog so I put him on the naughty step. Tonight it was because I turned the TV off for him to go and have a bath. What the bloody hell do I do to stop this? It's so out of character for him he's capable at communicating and has very good speech. Im just at a loss.

@Isaidnoalready

What the f*ck am I reading ? You made your child stay in wet knickers because she wouldn’t clean herself up? You are abusing your child ! Clean her up and give her a cuddle perhaps you should show her some love and compassion? Your awful !

Also to the main poster how about you stop abusing your child too and calling them disgusting for wetting themselves ? How do you know it’s on purpose have you had them checked for a UTI? Children can just wet themselves during a tantrum it’s quite normal ? I can’t believe you put him back in a nappy?! That poor child , and the naughty step?! Really??? Do people still use that ? Your child is not naughty he’s having big feelings and needs your help on how to manage them ? How about hugging him and calming him down ? Telling him not to worry about the wee clean it up and distract him from his tantrum?! You left him in hysterics for an hour while forcing him to clean up his own wee - do you not think that’s abuse ? I feel so sorry for your child I could never treat mine like that.

3 is very young. I find it odd you’re so “disgusted” by it. Most children haven’t been long toilet trained at 3. Having to clean up a small child is hardly “disgusting”. I would ignore it and clean them up without a fuss. I would also consider their nursery / school setting if they’re getting so upset about going that they’re doing this. Either cut back on the days or look for another provider.

Laughing at small children about toileting is emotional abuse.

I’d just go back to basics and treat it like an accident, as per when potty training. He’s getting what he wants, which is a big reaction and attention. He’ll soon get bored when you don’t respond to his antics.

I would put him back in training pants. Pack pants in his bag for pre-school if he doesn't do it there.

This has got to be some of the worst advice I’ve seen on MM. Laugh and humiliate and upset small child. Genuinely abuse.

Have you never been desperate for a wee when you are scared or upset?

It may be part of the tantrum and it may be deliberate, but I would suggest it's also worth considering if it's a physiological reaction. If so helping your toddler to feel less scared/angry/upset might help.

I found The how to talk to children book helpful.

This is worth considering tbh and the reason the child may be fine at nursery is there will be far less upset at nursery, because most kids tantrum less at nursery.

my youngest is very defiant, used to do exactly this.

I found that coming down harder and harder made him worse and worse.

Doubling down on connecting, attuning, empathy. That worked much, much better. Kids are genuinely distressed when they do things like this. Behavior is communication and all that.

Honestly, I thought I would be a really strict, no- nonsense Mum, but it just didn’t work with my kids. So I had to change tack as things were getting awful.
I’ve had much more success with the attunement thing.

Great idea. Why not tell your work colleagues to all laugh and mock you if you produce a sub standard piece of work? Might put you off being a poor performer, just an idea.

Wait till he starts pooing on the floor too !

We went through this stage, but for us it was only a month or so after toilet training, so we just went back to nappies for a few weeks then started over. Not sure I'd like to do that with an older child who saw nappies as babyish though (DD wasn't bothered either way, she just seemed to forget about protest wees during the break)

You could try taking him to the toilet to try more often, then it's less likely he'll have any wee to do next time you need to say no.

I think I’m going against the grain a bit. I don’t think a 3 year old peeing themselves when they’re upset or really frustrated is “truly disgusting”. Some are still in nappies. I would honestly just say “oh dear” and change his clothes. If it’s deliberate (which I doubt) it will soon stop. 🤷‍♀️

how’s his language? Is he able to express himself fully?

Blimey some of the advice on here is shocking. Please don’t laugh at him or call him disgusting, you WILL cause emotional damage. Please ask him if he is ok, try and find out why he is wetting himself. If it isn’t possible then do not react and just clean him up and revert to pull ups for a couple of weeks then try again. It’s not easy toilet training and sometimes they will regress but it won’t last forever.

It's not regression or an accident, it is very much deliberate. He has even been saying I'm going to wee on the floor in an angry voice and scowling at you while he does it. It definitely is not an accident.

It's disgusting that he is deliberately wetting himself and the floor out of anger, peeing is not a weapon to use against us it is something that you do on the toilet and he knows that. I didn't say he is disgusting, I said it is disgusting to deliberately wee on the floor and not in the toilet. He knows what we mean when we say was it an accident or on purpose, a few times at the start of potty training he'd say I had a wee on accident and it was it's ok, we can try again, clean him up no fuss. He is admitting these ones are on purpose which is a bit gross.

Mine did this. I'd just clean her up and then pop her on the 'thinking step' for a few minutes (explaining why she was there). Massive tantrums but with an empty bladder she had no option but to sit there and take the punishment. After her time was up I'd ask her if it was nice to wee herself on purpose, and if she said "yes" I'd sternly correct her. After a while she got the message and stopped doing it. It's a battle of the wills at the end of the day.

It's disgusting that he is deliberately wetting himself and the floor out of anger, peeing is not a weapon to use against us it is something that you do on the toilet and he knows that.

It is disgusting to deal with but he doesn’t see it that way. He has just found something he can do that he knows really affects you.

It’s a parenting low when your child hits on just the right thing to bother you.

I’d go with as little reaction as possible, definitely no cross face or raised voice (these look similar to a small child as the excited face and sound you’d make if you were congratulating them for something).

And natural consequences. I’d ask him to sit in the (empty) bath to wait for you while you clean the floors so that he’s not trailing wee around and then shower him from the waist down every time and put a pull up on him. Then I’d go and get on with whatever you’re doing. If he asks you to play you don’t have time as you used your time cleaning the floor.

If he does it because you turned the TV off then go and unplug the TV at the wall and say ‘if the TV makes you wee on the floor we can’t watch it. No more TV today/tomorrow’

etc.

But all as calmly as you can possibly muster.

You are over reacting, you sound deranged.

Try to calm down, he's 3. He eats his bogeys too. He doesn't 'know' half of the stuff you are saying he does.

If you are this dramatic with him I'm not surprised he's pissing himself.

We had this phase, minimal attention given, cleaned up when calm with nice shared activity after (tantrums linked to not getting what he wanted and sharing attention with new baby) but so so embarrassing if in public 😖

caggie3 · Today 11:55
It's not regression or an accident, it is very much deliberate. He has even been saying I'm going to wee on the floor in an angry voice and scowling at you while he does it. It definitely is not an accident.“

if that’s the case, he’s achieving what he hopes too. You’re rising to it beautifully. Attention is attention even if it’s negative.

a neutral “oh dear”, quick change with no fuss and get on with things. It will stop.

peeing is not a weapon to use against us it is something that you do on the toilet and he knows that What he knows is doing this pissed you right off.

I asked upthread what type of things cause the tantrums?

I bet you are having arguments that don't need to be had.

Everyone is taking @Animallover87 comment totally totally out of context

You can laugh to diffuse a situation!!

It's not abuse if you're using it to diffuse a head lock

Have you tried the phrase "you might not want to, but you have to" when you're trying to get things done?

My three year old boy is having so many tantrums at the moment and he cries and screams extremely loud and for ages and ages. He is our middle child. We are so so exhausted by it.

Our three year old is ultra competitive so what I do now and my husband does it too and it works very often is we turn the command into a competition basically.

Example turning off tv for bath situation for us is like this and it works a lot:

"It's bath time now. I am going to go and pop the bath on, the tv is going off when I come back down" (I also use the oven timer as it's like an independent authority to me or my husband)
"when the oven timer goes off it's bath time"

Then you come downstairs and timer goes off. Then leave the tv on and say

"I'm going to beat you up the stairs, I bet you won't win"

Child often says no I'm going to win (even if crying)

And they race up the stairs and laugh and they quickly get undressed

Another race could happen here

"I bet you can't get your laundry in the basket before I get your towel and turn your night light on"

Kid runs to basket and I run to room to do the bits

(Let child win but act like you are really trying)

Outcome should be child had no chance to think about pissing themselves, you didn't say it was time for tv off with no warning, it was the timer, kid is upstairs naked in bath and nobody has wet themselves and you you poor thing hopefultl haven't had more wee to clean

It's a total utter drain. My first son used to wee in things when angry and leave it for me to find, think toy boxes, cups, bottles etc etc I was sooo mad and disgusted and drained by the laundry

All my love

That should say not abuse if you're using it to diffuse an argument!