Career Mum’s how do you do it?

[Isitjustus]

Hiya,

Not sure what I am looking for but want to know I’m not alone I guess.

I work full time over 4 days, I have a 21/2 year old and I also do all the cleaning etc at home.

I thought as my little one got older it would get easier but it’s the opposite. Every day is a struggle.

Our little one is in childcare 4 days a week and then with me 3, my hubby works long hours and starts at 5am so it’s just me in the mornings.

I have a bit of OCD cleaning and keep our home pristine, I clean for about 1/1.5 hours a day, I do my hair/make up everyday which I always have and didn’t want to lose myself after having a baby. To get everything done in time I am getting up at 4.30/5am.

On my weekday off I will spend 4 hours cleaning our 2 bed place. My hubby does help but obviously he’s not here in the mornings and if he does something I will often redo it myself (yes I am one of them). Also my little one is getting harder, kicking off because they want to stay home with me and not go to the childminder, even just getting them dressed and out of the door is a struggle.

I guess I am just struggling and wonder if anyone else has been in this position. How do you do it all? What can I do as I am feeling so overwhelmed.

Thank you if you have got this far and have any advice etc.

x

Are you not exhausted though? I'm a much better parent then I've had enough sleep and getting up at 4am to clean would not make me that much fun to be around.

Google TOMM and look at the facebook group read it and understand her its a great help

In the kindest way possible, you need to speak to someone about the anxieties that are causing you to do this.

I also work compressed 5 days in 4, have a 2yo and do not spend more than 15 or 20 mins a day cleaning/ picking stuff up. I do have a cleaner who comes weekly, we make space in the finances for it and go without other things. My partner is also hands on, works full time in a stressful job, but does more than his fair share.

You also need to question the need to be in full hair and makeup every day. Why do you feel so insecure without it? You are a perfectly acceptable wife, mother and employee, and your abilities to carry out your associated responsibilities do not hinge on your appearance.

I'm not a medic so I'm not going to diagnose you but I'd recommend you see your GP or a therapist. Getting up at 4am to clean is not healthy behaviour.

I work three days a week, I've got two kids and a DH who works away for most of the month. The house is always clean & tidy enough that if anyone popped in for a cuppa I wouldn't be ashamed but I don't spend more than a couple of hours (if that) on it. I've got better things to do, like sleep.

Oh dear. Please stop cleaning and spend it with your child instead. No one ever regretted not cleaning enough

Lower your standards/hire in help

It's not the career or the 2.5yo that is giving you the heavy workload here.

Have you tried asking career dads for advice, they seem to flourish at having careers and families. For example, your DH. How does he manage it? He doesn't spend hours cleaning or grooming himself. That's the only way - do less stuff.

I own my own business, kids live with me, youngest is 5. I’m often still working at 12am in bed on my lap top.

My house is untidy, the piled high clean washing is currently hidden in the utility room, clothes draped every where. One wash a day. BUT my kitchen and bathroom are clean. The beds get changed every Sunday. Clean knickers and socks are my only priority right now

And that’s about it 😁 I have one day off a week with my kids and I am not spending that time cleaning.

Could hire a cleaner but that means I would have to tidy the house first 😂😂😂

An insight into my day for you - I work full time 5 days a week and have a 5 yr old but this was our routine before she was at school and same now:

06:00 am - alarm goes off, I fail miserably to get out of bed.
06:30 am - normally up by now and give myself 30 mins to get showered and dressed and hair / make up done (I think I look presentable!?)
07:00 am - get DD up and get her breakfasted and dressed
07:50 am - out the door
08:00 am - childcare drop off and I start my commute
09:00 - 1730 - work and DD is at childcare
by 18:00 we're all home and DD has a mini tea (she ate at nursery too and does now at after school club but is always still hungry so has more at home). Once she finished eating I often did around 15 mins of a quick sweep tidy, run the vacuum around, do the dishes, put a laundry load on etc.
19:00 - bedtime for DD after some playtime (or now she's at school, TV/reading etc)
20:00 - she's asleep or thereabouts
20:30 - if I didn't eat with DD I eat now. If the house is a disaster we clean a bit. Otherwise I chill.

Then on the weekends I spend time doing a big clean. Our house is clean and tidy but no showhome. I have friends that use that bit of time after their childs bedtime to clean. I don't make that my priority unless it's desperately needed - I'd much rather watch TV and have a drink!!

I work FT and am also doing a master's. I have 2 primary age DC.

1. I have a cleaner.
2. DH is an equal partner.

It works fine. The house is clean and tidy, we do the daily stuff as we go along. I have easy-care hair and do 5 mins of makeup on days I'm in the office or doing a big presentation.

Your problem is the cleaning. You keep dodging the question: do you or don't you have diagnosed OCD?

My kitchen is, about 50% of the time. I have teen DDs who have two extra curricular activities/busy social lives/lots of homework so they tend to swan in and out, eating at different times to me and primary aged DD.

I’ll often go to bed at 10pm, having wiped down the sides and turned the dishwasher on to find knives/plates/toast crumbs/butter/jam/mugs/whatever all over the fucking place, and considering we live in a cottage that only has ONE worktop that has just about enough space for kettle/toaster making tea/toast, (the second one is sink/drainer!), it really pisses me off.

Same for the bathroom. I shower the same time as youngest DD is having a bath, around 7pm (same room, I’m not wandering off elsewhere!). I’ll pull the hair catcher plug out, empty it and squeegee the cubicle, put my stuff back in the cupboard. I also wipe down the bath after I’ve put DD to bed. Laundry goes in the correct baskets.

Do my teens do that after each use of the bathroom? Nope.

I clean each room ONCE per day. It takes minutes. I refuse to do the same job over and over. So if they leave dishes everywhere/have left chaos in the bathroom, I’ll block Screen Time on their phones the next day until they do it. Like fuck am I getting out of bed at 11:30pm to check they’ve left both rooms clean.

Robot hoover once a day, after bath/shower, for the sitting room/dining room.

I’m on Economy 7 so a load of laundry is thrown in every night and timed, same for the tumble dryer/dishwasher.

My cleaner comes once a fortnight to do a deeper clean of the bathroom/kitchen, hoovers the bedrooms and dusts.

I’m single, I have ADHD, my days start at 5:30am and I end them at 8:30pm, I do not clean or tidy after that time.

I work full time - 5 days a week. I'm fortunate to work from home 2/3 days a week. So during my lunch break at home I try and get some light cleaning/laundry etc.

I do the majority of the cleaning and cooking - husband works six days a week. We have a 20 month old and I'm also pregnant - so it is incredibly tiring to keep the house clean and as long as it looks "tidy" I'm fine with that.

I would always clean the house when DD went to sleep. But now I'm always exhausted - so the weekends are the best time to do any work whilst DH watches DD or when DD is napping.

I've also given up doing my hair and makeup for work - minimal makeup and ready in 10 mins. Showers the night before as i start work early and I get DD ready before I have to work.

As someone who doesn't put cleaning at the top of my to-do list, we spend 15-30 mins a day tidying then a few hours at the weekend. We do wipe the sides down in the kitchen multiple times a day (it takes a minute at a time at the most). And in the bathrooms the sides get wiped probably once a day. The big weekend clean for me is 1-2hrs and it's things like scrubbing the tiles/loos/de-limescaling the taps/proper laundry catch up/cleaning the fireplace etc.

Out of interest OP @Isitjustus WHAT exactly is it you're cleaning for so long every day? are you scrubbing floors and washing doors? every single day?

I'm not bring snidey, I'm genuinely wondering, I just couldn't find that much to actually clean to take that amount of time EVERY SINGLE DAY

If you are at work and your child in childcare there is NO way your house is so dirty that you need to get up at 4 am to clean it. That sounds deeply unhealthy. I hope you can speak to someone about this.

I've worked FT since DD was 9months, she's 8yo now.

Organisation and prioritisation are the key in my life.

Organisation:

• declutter so there's less to tidy
• when you do the washing hang up an outfit on each hanger. So in DDs wardrobe she has a hanger that has trousers, tshirt, cardigan, knickers and socks all on it. No messing about in the morning.
• for lunch boxes I have 3 plastic tubs on the kitchen table, 1 with fruit snacks, 1 with crisp type things and 1 with portions of fruit and veg. In the morning I take 1 thing from each box, add a dairy thing from the fridge and some cheese and crackers. Fill a bottle with water and lunch is sorted in less than 2 minutes while I wait for the kettle to boil.
• have spares, we've just done the autumn/winter sort out and DD now has gloves and hat in her coat pocket and another set in her PE bag and another set in her school backpack, and another set in the shoe cupboard. No running around searching the morning or having to turn around to go back and get it, because even if one set isn't where it should be the other set is.
• dinners in the week take less than 30 minutes to prep and cook. Stir fry, enchiladas, quesadillas, pork chop and veg, chicken breast and rice. I do prep straight after getting the shopping, so meat is bought in big trays then broken into portions, add seasoning/marinades and freeze it. Then the night before put it in the fridge to defrost, when I get home I tip it onto a tray, put some brocolli/greenbeans/asparagus etc onto a tray with oil and seasoning and all in the oven for 25-30 mins
• everything is paid by DD

Prioritisation

• house needs to be clean but not necessarily tidy. I have some pop up laundry style bags in the living room. Everything DD leaves laying around gets chucked in those throughout the week. At the weekend she takes them to her room and sorts them. DH has a basket on the stairs where all his shit is thrown so he can sort it out.
• sleep is more important than tidying. Get more sleep, your brain will be more refreshed allowing you to make better decisions so you will be more efficient. If you are overtired, everything will seem harder, everything will take longer.

My life is similar to yours. Work 4 days, one small child, DH has intense job & leaves early.

firstly ditch some of the cleaning. Or pay a cleaner. I also don’t do full hair & make up every day.

The other thing that’s been instrumental is working flexibly from home so I don’t lose any time commuting & can do cleaning or jobs like fold laundry when I’m in meetings that just require me to listen rather than participate for example. I wouldn’t take a job that’s not at least 50% WFH now

I'm that person although I have teens. Even when they were babies I used to clean and tidy an hour and half a day. Now they are teens I still so the same. I have a 5 bedroom and 3 reception house so it's the only way to keep on top. I work full time and I host Ukrainian refugees and I do not have a cleaner. I basically only take a 10 minute break a day. I do all the cooking and I gym 5 lunch times a week. I'm very high energy, I sleep 6 hours a day and my evenings are long after I do my own piano practice and helping kids with homework. I do have a full time gardener though. I have a high performance (sales) job. Its not uncommon in my job to have employees who are similar. Yes I lead a crazy life, yes it sounds like I'm boasting but I'm simply just describing a typical day. Ask a busy person how they manage. They just get on with it.

I do 15 mins hair and makeup for zoom calls from home. Having a wfh job helps. I have to look presentable it's part of my job. Let me know if you need any cleaning tips!

I'm a single mum to 2 DC (now teens but have always worked full time) so had no one to help with any of it when younger. I clean the whole 3-bed house once a fortnight, takes about 3 hours then small cleans as needed (kitchen, bathroom), probably 30 mins every few days. I wear make up and do my hair but it takes all of 10 minutes.

I can't imagine what house would need 10 hours of cleaning a week. Give yourself a break, I doubt anyone's last thoughts are memories of how clean their house was, it really doesn't matter.

I work full time in a 50-60 hour week professional role and have two DC under 4 years old. My husband works in a professional role where the hours he works can be highly variable, but there are often long stretches where he works anywhere from 60-80 hours a week. How do we survive? Outsource, outsource, outsource. Plus we have lower standards than pre-DC. We have a cleaner who comes several times a week. I don't do any laundry and hardly any cleaning. We have a full-time nanny who is part of the family and takes care of a lot of the child admin (e.g., buying clothes when they grow out of their old ones). I barely cook. A typical dinner in our house is chicken casserole where all I've done is whack some chicken, pre-prepared veg and stock in a pot in the oven, then served it with some microwave rice. Total prep time = 5 mins. My make up and hair routine takes 5 mins as I favour make up you can apply like finger paint and a haircut that doesn't need much styling. Our house can be a little messy at times despite having a regular cleaner, but I am accepting of that. I'd like to make more of an effort with my appearance too, but I look decent enough most of the time. Basically, I outsource as much as possible and cut back the time I spend on other stuff so that all I do when I'm not working is spending time with my children and/or husband. I go to bed around 11pm and wake up at 6am.

Maybe you could consider outsourcing some things - like the cleaning - and let your standards slip a little. That should free up some time. I know that can be hard to do, but the trade off is worth making if it helps you have more time to sleep/relax/enjoy the company of your DC and DH. Good luck finding a balance. It's not easy!

I have a professional job, 2 DC and wear makeup every day.

I also have a cleaner, a helpful DH and get up at 7am!

I have 3 children 6, 4 and 1, I work ft compressed hours over 4 days and my husband mon-fri but long days. It's a real struggle to do everything but my house is far far from pristine and I spend about 5 minutes getting myself ready each day (thankfully I don't take much work to look nice 😆). I get up 6.30am and I start work at 7.30, in that time I have to get myself and 3 children ready (with my husband 50/50, we both have jobs we do, it's a team effort much like everything house/children related). The housework is done when we have time and energy. Weekdays we do bare minimum, just make sure things are ish put away, toys in boxes, washing in the laundry basket, dish washer loaded/unloaded. Before I had children I loved things to be spotless and found it hard to lower my standards, once I did though life was much easier (we don't live in a pit, it just isn't spotless).

Thank you so much for all your tips. Basically it’s never messy everything has its place and I don’t like clutter. I clean every room each day just dusting hoovering etc, deep clean bathroom and kitchen. I do things like skirting boards, curtain poles, lamp shades, doors, floors, hoover all the sofa, kitchen cupboards, inside the fridge, all tiles etc on my day off. That’s what takes so long. I’ve always been the same but it’s juggling everything that is becoming increasingly difficult 😞