Is this a major SIDS risk?

[Samiibaby]

Hi everyone

so my beautiful son is nearly 3 weeks old and at night the only way he will sleep is on his Moses basket mattress on my bed, now I know about SIDS and I’m driving myself potty about it thinking I’m putting my son at a major risk. He is both breast and formula fed. Every time I put him in his Moses basket he screams the house down and then I have to pick him up again and the cycle repeats.. the only way I’ve noticed he sleeps is if I take the mattress out the basket and put the mattress on my bed free of any loose blankets or pillows and I put his blanket over him tucking the sides in if that’s makes sense? i have my own separate blanket so hes no where near any loose things. Please be gentle with me as I’m a very anxious sleep deprived new mum and I already feel like I’m a failure as a mum :(

@BertieBotts but with the baby on her/his back post feed, re your picture.

I also wanted to add op, what you are doing in terms of breastfeeding, even in combination with formula, is preventative against SIDS. Just adding that to help you think about what you ARE doing and worry less about what you feel you should do www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/tarahaelle/2017/10/31/any-breastfeeding-even-partial-cuts-sids-risk-in-half/amp/

Our DS was the same and would not settle in his Moses basket until around 12 weeks. Our HV suggested putting the Moses basket directly next to our bed and have baby sleep on the side of the bed next to the Moses basket, so if he was to roll he'd only roll into the basket and not off the side, but the risk of getting tangled up in blankets is much much lower as I can keep the duvet away from him completely. Those first few weeks are terrifying, even as someone whose never experienced a pregnancy or child loss, so please go easy on yourself! You're doing great!

I so feel your pain! My boy is nearly 4 now, and I wish I'd not been so frightened to co-sleep when he was tiny. I started at 6 months and if I had my time again would do it from day dot.

I joined a few co sleeping Facebook groups, and also the beyond sleep training group - I wish I had found it sooner, because it reassured me that the instinct to be close was OK and natural rather than flawed parenting.

My top tips are sleeping bag for baby (Mine liked to move his legs, so we got one's with legs when he got a bit older) lose the duvet, safe C sleep position for you, tie your hair back, warm cardy on. Also a pink salt lamp, so you can see at night, but it won't stop you both from sleeping.

Mine now starts the night off in his own bed and wanders in to me in the early hours and goes back to sleep. One day he'll stop doing that, and I'll enjoy the space but miss him immensely.

Also, please ask outright for a referral for your mental health, even if you have to find a way to pay privately. I didn't, and ended up with a ptsd diagnosis 2 years later. Looking after yourself and your mental health is the most important thing you can do. You sound like an amazing, nurturing and caring mum who's wonderfully tuned into baby - you'll come out of the fog. I promise.

Have you tried a next to me cot OP? It's small and could squeeze next to your bed, so it's like Co-sleeping but much safer. You can sleep safely next to him and have your face directly adjacent to him so he feels safe. The sides are mesh rather than bars.

Same coslept and grobags with all 3 of my DC. There are ways to cosleep safely. You need sleep for your mental and physical health, that's important too

We are just off for our morning nap in this exact position!

Cosleeping is a lifesaver. If you can feed lying down, it's so much less disruptive for both of you and night wakings don't really feel like night wakings.

I really like our Owlet. I don't really check the app or anything but it just feels like a low level of reassurance, I suppose, and I find I don't get those occasional panicky waking up episodes that I did before we got it. I've used it with both DC and never had a false alarm. Think they're a lot less prone to them than the mattress pads and stuff (which obviously don't work with cosleeping or attached bedside cots).

My youngest wouldn't settle in his moses basket so we bought a next to me crib. He had more space in there and because he was right next to me in bed he settled in it straight away. I sold it when he outgrew it, they seem to popular on selling sites.

Done correctly, Co sleeping is the safest thing for your baby. Don’t bear yourself up. You’re clearly being careful, and doing what makes your baby comfortable. Even safer if you’re breastfeeding during the night, according to research

Hi OP

You aren’t a failure! I was as anxious as you are when my baby was a newborn, it was horrendous and I was so worried that a) something would happen to him and/or b) I’d never be able to feel normal and stop worrying ever again. I still worry but the intense, manic anxiety does pass. It’s important to remind yourself that worrying is not the same as instinct - you are worrying because your hormones are in overprotective overdrive, NOT because something is going to happen to your baby. He is going to be fine. If you feel it would help, be assertive with your health visitor or GP, don’t just say I’m really anxious, ask them if they can help you get help with your anxiety. For me it passed by itself, but it did take a good six months or more, so maybe I could have sped that up.

re cosleeping, a lot of people cosleep, including me! We bought an owlet because I literally could not sleep otherwise because I felt I had to keep looking at the baby. I found it really helpful and reassuring especially when they’re tiny. Ours only went off falsely a couple of times, both when the baby was bigger and basically kicked it off, and we stopped using it soon after that. But for the tiny stage, if you can use it to help you sleep and not obsess over the readings, it’s really good.

I would echo the advice above and get rid of the duvet you’re lying on and the baby’s own mattress. Just have him next to you on your mattress, both dress warmly, and have a little cellular blanket for him if he’s too small for a grobag. A huge, HUGE number of people have their baby in bed with them - it is normal, you are responding to what your baby needs, and you are not a failure!

Probably already been said but get rid of his mattress if he is in your bed.

I co-slept with DS at that age as it was the only way we could both get sleep. He was in gro bag and I wore a onesie that zipped up the front so I could open and feed as he needed. I had a pillow for myself but positioned it so that I slept on the very edge and the rest was all behind me (so other side to DS if that makes sense). Nothing else on the bed at all.

Planned co-sleeping is fine, the issues are much more likely when accidental so better you accept it, plan for it and remove all items that could be dangerous

DS slep in a carry cot next to me until he got too big. We then moved him to a cot at the end of our bed. We had a breathing monitor pad under him that clicked every time he breathed. We relied on this for a good nights sleep. The one time he rolled off it and the clicking stopped my DH shot out of bed like a rocket.
At 7 mnths I put my back out and couldn’t put him back in his cot after feeding. DH just told me to leave him in our bed and we all co slept until he was 3.
Have you tried sleeping with his basket in bed with you. If he’s comfortable on his mattress then it’s fine. There are lots of products available to aid safe Co sleeping. Once established I never had sleep deprivation. Being so close to them your instinct kick in and you wake as they stir, as they get older they learn to breast feed when you are asleep, I often woke to DS latching on. It just feels to natural. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but you don’t have to tell people. They can’t judge what they don’t know.
DH is 18 today. He’s an independent young adult who has no emotional problems ( well not with his parents, his ex girlfriend caused a bit of damage but co sleeping with his parents certainly didn’t make him clingy).
At 3 weeks it’s all very new. If you are not sleeping at night, forget everything and just concentrate on you and your baby. When they nap you nap. Forget bottle feeding if sterilising stresses you just breast feed, eat and sleep. When your body catches up then you will have the energy to do everything else.
Breast feeding is natures way of making you sit and rest. In the early days it will feel like it’s 24/7 but it soon passes.
Get organise with plenty of snacks and water bottles, your phone and a good box set and spend the next couple of days in bed attached to your baby. Put a note on your front door and a message in your phone asking people to give you some space and just relax with your baby.
I spent the first 10days in hospital with DS in a special care ward with limited visiting. All I did was rest and feed him. He was slightly prem and struggled at birth. He had to put on weight before being discharged. I learnt so much in those early days, just me and him. I do think that some first time mums would benefit from the old fashioned lying in hospitals. Like you I had had multiple miscarriages and had high post natal anxiety, but having a midwife with me 24/7 helped allay the anxiety and gave me the confidence to go it alone when I got home. I learned to check temp, to spot subtle signs that he was too cold or too hot, how to check he was hydrated, all the little things that reduce new mum anxiety.
SIDS is now very rare and there is a lot of information out there. Contact your midwife and request a home visit. Talk about your worries and anxiety. Some women suffer severe anxiety in the early days, they will not judge you.

Congratulations on your little one, sending lots of sleep your way 😂 I don’t think anyone can say if something is or isn’t a SIDS risk, I just always thought about it the same as I did with risks when pregnant that if I did that and something happened, how would I feel? So each risk has to be calculated by yourself.

I would say regardless of thinking about SIDS I personally would try to break through that period of time where he screams when put in his Moses basket. I think all babies do that in the first 6 weeks. I was just very set that I wanted my baby to be able to be put down and he very quickly got used to lying on a boring flat bed. Yes there were times when I thought I can’t take this anymore but it really is short lived, I promise! If he didn’t settle I’d lift him up, give him another cuddle and try again. Eventually he got into the swing of it and realised when I go in my bed it’s time to sleep. He is now 1, sleeps all night every night and I’ve just put him in for a nap, walked out the room and he’s fast asleep. I kind of see it as short term pain for long term gain, which results in a happy, well-rested baby. I think rather than tying yourself up in knots about SIDS I would just try to establish a routine as best you can, that way it will no doubt be safer for both of you when you’ve had a better sleep. Good luck x

Hi everyone

thank you for all your messages and reassurance little man today has been very very active and keeping mummy awake!

i have decided to get rid of his mattress and co sleep on our bed mattress with him atleast then he’s on a firm flat surface and just have him in a grow bag and me in a onesie or something the only problem is grow bag I have atm is so big for him and it’s like he’s being eaten alive in it haha I’ll have to purchase a Tommy tippee grow bag but again due to funds I won’t be able to til next week
I’m going to buy him the owlet sock for extra reassurance and after numerous failed attempts at the Moses basket last night the only way he would settle was on my bed!

im definitely not having more kids one is enough! Haha you couldn’t pay me enough to go through the newborn stage again I have so so much respect for women who have more than 1 baby and also single mums i certainly couldn’t do this without help from my son’s grandparents they are a life saver. I love my boy to pieces but I do wish I could fast forward to a year old and be a little more relaxed over him. He’s 3 weeks tommorow

@Samiibaby he doesn't need to be in a special sleep suit. Just put more layers on him if it saves you money. Or see if you can get something second hand on FB marketplace.

Tell me about it with the newborn phase. How do people with twins do it!! Try to enjoy it though! My friend slightly older kids and she said there's always something to worry about. You're being cautious and breastfeeding so your risk of SIDS is v low.

Why does he sleep on the mattress rather than directly on your bed or am I misunderstanding something? It seems to me safer to just sleep directly on your bed. (I kind of assume that you want to have a very flat surface for co sleeping with no bulges or anything to maximise air circulation)

Would love to see the research that Co sleeping is the safest thing?

You can use a blanket on him if you are cosleeping. Don't stretch yourself financially to get a growbag, or use one that's too big.

Honestly a blanket is fine. I think the AAP guidelines freak people out but I honestly think they are so ridiculously OTT. People have used blankets for babies for millennia. Don't stick a really fluffy thick duvet over his head... be sensible and you'll be absolutely fine!

This is exactly what I do. You don’t know how relieved I am to hear a midwife admit to it.

The owlet is the best thing I bought. It allowed me to sleep restfully. It's brilliant. Had one false alarm in 8 months (baby was asleep on me and I was awake)

Glad to see a couple more owlet advocates and glad you're getting one OP? They're a game changer.

@Sleepygrumpyandnothappy if it makes you feel even better I woke up the other morning to find I'd fallen asleep with him next to me, post laying down feed, and my face had slipped off the pillow slightly onto his forehead. My glasses had rested on his forehead and made a slight indent. Cue absolute panic and me rubbing it every 5 minutes to get rid of it before his father woke up 😬😬😬😂😂😂took about 2 hours but it disappeared eventually 🤦🏻‍♀️

Don't get the owlet it's expensive and has false alarms. My baby was in NICU and once she was moved to the nursery and off machines they used this.

The Nanny mat is good but useless if you are cosleeping or if your baby is in a bedside cot. We used it but realised that even with me in a separate bed, it was picking up the movement because the Next to Me was attached to the bed, so it never even went off when I took DD out.

Standalone cot it worked great in (but remember to turn it off when you take baby out or everyone gets an earful!)

Personally I much prefer the Owlet, but the Nanny mat is far cheaper and we never had any false alarms with it either, other than the fact I forgot to turn it off every time I took DD out for a night feed

I had a mat and forgetting to turn it off when you lift the baby still gives me nightmares. Also when they start to shuffle, the false alarms. Also had to make the bed super super carefully, as dropping the mattress anything other than reeeeaaallly slowly messed with the calibration and caused endless false alarms.

Also if you paused it, it would beep at you intermittently, so would have to fully turn off two units (not sure about nanny mat for that).

Owlet has been amazing since we got it. And I finally sleep well again.