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Original poster

Father of my 10 month baby is wanting it all his own way

55 replies

Maymay1980 · 18/09/2022 13:37

My daughter is 10 months and his father currently has her every other weekend whilst he has his other 2 girls, he lives an hour away… now he asked to have her for the 5 days over Xmas ( it’s my weekend) and also wants to take her abroad for a week with his mum. ( my weekend again)

can anyone help? I really feel that even 2 nights every other week is a long time for her to be away from her mummy. He has reached out to mediation but is threatening courts if I don’t go with what he wants.

I was going to offer we split the Xmas to make it’s fair, but he won’t like that as currently has the every other Christmas agreement with his ex, is that my problem?

he’s already threatened social services and police when I stood my ground and said no to him picking my daughter up before his other girls make her be in the car for over an hour and a half when she doesn’t need to be!

his girls are 8 and 10.

i feel this guy is trying to scare and bully me, what rights do I have?

OP posts:
BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 18/09/2022 13:42

Social services and police absolutely wouldn't get involved with this, he's just a bullying arsehole trying to scare you.

Honestly, let him waste his time and money taking this to court. The needs of a 10mo are very different to those of an 8 and 10yo.

Make sure you keep hold of your DD's passport too!

Starlightstarbright1 · 18/09/2022 13:44

It would be an absolute no from me.... He has her a lot already for a 10 month old

Choconuttolata · 18/09/2022 13:57

She is only 10 months old, his other children are much older so the time they spend with their Dad cannot be compared. Both the 5 days and a week long holiday abroad is too long for a child of your daughter's age. Sharing the Christmas is only fair it is your daughter's first Christmas, why shouldn't you get to experience that with her?

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9-12 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
Original poster
Maymay1980 · 18/09/2022 15:38

He has her passport unfortunately as he paid for it at the beginning of the year. If he even tried to take her away i would do everything in my powers he never sees her again..

OP posts:
whatamess2022 · 18/09/2022 15:39

Report the passport as lost and get a new one

Original poster
Maymay1980 · 18/09/2022 15:40

You are right the time cannot be compared, he’s very manipulative and has said about things in the past so are you stopping me seeing my daughter. He’s also said he ex groomed the two girls against him.. he basically meant manipulated them but that’s him all over.
said I was verbally abusing when I had prenatal depression Whilst pregnant and was really struggling..

OP posts:
EthicalNonMahogany · 18/09/2022 15:41

Do you breastfeed? Might be worth trying to restart it....

Bestcatmum · 18/09/2022 15:43

My first husband was the same, a bully always trying to take DS away from me. Don't give in, let him do his worst. You owe it to your DD to be strong and stand up to him.
So take me to court he did, actually on every tiny thing and the judge eventually decided that he was harming DS with those petty squabbles and denied him access completely.
Let him do his worst, you have done everything you can to keep things sweet, the judge will NOT tolerate his nonsense.
Why does he want to get SS involved? You are clearly not a negligent mother, he is just trying to bully you, they wouldn't be interested at all. Say no and keep saying no. And most importantly FUCK HIM!!!

Whiskeypowers · 18/09/2022 15:48

He has a ten month baby every other weekend?
I don’t think a family judge would ever have ordered that you should have been way more reserved!

he is clearly a bully and a piece of shit
let him take you to court. I would stop all access
i would actually apply to court for a PSO if you have genuine fears of abduction and I would also seek advice of your HV or children’s services to see if his threats and abuse amounts to enough for a MARAC so his card starts to be marked and you will possibly also qualify for legal aid

unfortunately with men like him you either fight their pathetic non fire with calling their bluff fire or just capitulating

as long as you are being seen to put your child first you will not come out of this worst off than what you have now

roarfeckingroarr · 18/09/2022 15:51

Just say no. No way is that reasonable.

DPotter · 18/09/2022 15:52

Maymay1980
I understand you're feeling very upset and worried. you have 2 threads running on the same subject www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4636381-problems-with-father-of-my-10-month-daughter
which is going to get confusing for both you and other readers and posters. Can I suggest you ask for one to be deleted and focus on just one thread ? You can do this by clicking on 'report' on the bottom right of your posts and explaining in the message box

MolliciousIntent · 18/09/2022 15:56

whatamess2022 · 18/09/2022 15:39

Report the passport as lost and get a new one

This is fraud.

NicolaSixSix · 18/09/2022 15:58

MolliciousIntent · 18/09/2022 15:56

This is fraud.

Show quote history

could she report it as stolen by the child’s father?

MolliciousIntent · 18/09/2022 16:03

NicolaSixSix · 18/09/2022 15:58

could she report it as stolen by the child’s father?

Show quote history

He paid for it! Honestly this is utterly ridiculous. He has every right to see his child, he has every right to get his child a passport, and he has every right to take his child abroad!

OP is presumably not breastfeeding (as I imagine she'd have mentioned if she was) so there is absolutely no reason why at 10m the child shouldn't be able to spend 4 nights a month with her father.

OP, it sounds like you're trying to sideline him from your daughter's life, to be perfectly honest. He has equal rights to you, and I can't see any good reason in your post to restrict his access to his child!

sjxoxo · 18/09/2022 16:03

Wow this is insane.
he has her a lot for her age already..10 months is so young!
Absolutely report that passport as lost and get a new one- do not let him use the passport under any circumstances. I actually find this really worrying.
Can you seek any kind of legal advice? if not a solicitor then maybe a charity or similar. Is he named on her birth certificate? Absolutely put your foot down and do not let him bully you. If he gets nasty you’ve got even more of a leg to stand on. Sorry you’re dealing with this it must be really stressful. Definitely start breastfeeding again of sorts… i would Xx

sjxoxo · 18/09/2022 16:04

Also I’d totally ignore @MolliciousIntent above.. you sound a bit unhinged tbh! You are her primary career and it’s your choice when she’s that age. X

Original poster
Maymay1980 · 18/09/2022 16:05

I have requested the other thread to be deleted. Thank you D potter and sorry first time on here. Feel very vulnerable by him.

He is very bitter that he’ll had to lose the majority of his assets from the divorce previous. Financially I won’t even go there.. but he pays the basic child maintenance. Whilst he lives in a 3 bed house empty appart from him most of the time an hour away. He has suggested how he can have our daughter more but that involves every
other week for 2 or 3 nights paying for a 2nd nursery whilst he’s at work.

all I want the best for my daughter and to give her the attention and love, my sister read the emails and said he’s very pompous…

doesn’t like not getting his own way. I’ll wait to hear from this mediator but I don’t see why after being the primary career I get to lose the Christmas period in its entirety….
that just seems cruel..

Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
sjxoxo · 18/09/2022 16:08

Don’t give up Xmas. It’s your choice! Be assertive and stop entering into discussion with him about it. Say if he continues to bully you you will approach social services and more. Lay down what you feel is appropriate for your baby and stay strong on that. Do what you think is right - don’t let him bully you. X

justusandmoo · 18/09/2022 16:13

When you say he wants her for 5 days over Christmas does he mean over the actual
Christmas weekend so you wouldn't be able to see her? Xx

Original poster
Maymay1980 · 18/09/2022 16:41

Yes this was his email sent at 10.55 Friday night, he alternate the whole Christmas period with his ex, but this isn’t the only way people do this is it! . Last email was telling me had no handover notes after a weekend after I requested.. ) D is our
daughter)

this is it:
By now, you will have had a call from a mediator. Hopefully you will be willing to communicate through this medium which is over Zoom and allows Government credits, which would mean the first few sessions are free if granted.

I would like start the conversation about future dates for me to have D

Xmas being the obvious one. This year I have the girls between Dec 23rd to 28th, and I would like to suggest the same dates for me to have D. That way over the Xmas and New Year period we each get a prolonged period of family time. This year I would have lily between 23rd and 28th. Then it swaps and the following year I would have Dfrom the 28th to the 2nd Jan.

I would also like to take D to Tenerife with Mum
between Jan 16th and 24th.

I have also agreed with My ex to have the girls between July 23rd and 1st Aug 2023 and to have all three girls together I would like to have D on these dates please.

I have suggested to the Mediator that I would like to discuss these dates and also the ability to share custody of D which I hope you will be open to. If we can do this then it will negate the lengthy and costly court process.

OP posts:
justusandmoo · 18/09/2022 16:48

What a patronising email!! I'm all for both parents being v involved in a child's life but this is taking it too far. He wants to have her for the whole of the main Christmas period on her first Christmas? No way. If I were you I would reply and say that you don't agree to the alternating Christmas pattern as she is way to young. Suggest that you split Christmas Day. That's what I do with my ex as we both then get to see our daughter and she is much happier with that too.

Tbh I don't see the problem with the every other weekend patter. 4 nights a month isn't much but everything else is just not on xx

justusandmoo · 18/09/2022 16:49

Just so you know that you missed one of the mentions of your daughters name in that email. In case you want to edit x

DPotter · 18/09/2022 17:00

There's absolutely no need to apologise MayMay

I completely get however distressing this is and I hope you're feeling supported from the posts on here.

I have 2 suggestions -

First see a solicitor before meeting with the mediator. That way you can be sure of the legal situation from a neutral source.

Second when the mediator contacts you request 'shuttle' mediation. I think this is the term. It's where you and the baby's father are not in the same room / zoom screen, and the mediator moves between you with the questions, requests and answers from the other party. This is particularly useful if one party feels bullied or harassed by the other. You should also have someone with you, to take notes and give you support

Original poster
Maymay1980 · 18/09/2022 17:02

Thank you not sure I know how to edit the post?

i am happy with the every other weekend although to 5 o clock Sunday does seem a little late for a 10 month I’m looking
for work so hoping to work 2 days a week
.

thank you for everything you have said. My sister said he gaslights me and he thinks I’m just going to say yes take the child I have spent ten months loving and helping her with sleep training only
for Disney dad to get his way 🤬 he is very controlling. Xx

OP posts:
Bestcatmum · 18/09/2022 17:03

MolliciousIntent · 18/09/2022 16:03

He paid for it! Honestly this is utterly ridiculous. He has every right to see his child, he has every right to get his child a passport, and he has every right to take his child abroad!

OP is presumably not breastfeeding (as I imagine she'd have mentioned if she was) so there is absolutely no reason why at 10m the child shouldn't be able to spend 4 nights a month with her father.

OP, it sounds like you're trying to sideline him from your daughter's life, to be perfectly honest. He has equal rights to you, and I can't see any good reason in your post to restrict his access to his child!

Show quote history

Are you crackers!!!! He wants to take her away on her mother's weekend and is being very nasty about this. She has every right to say no its her childs first christmas.
I don't go round bullying people and expect them to capitulate - I believe in talking to people and working out a reasonable compromise which is not what he is doing.