Father of my 10 month baby is wanting it all his own way

[Maymay1980]

My daughter is 10 months and his father currently has her every other weekend whilst he has his other 2 girls, he lives an hour away… now he asked to have her for the 5 days over Xmas ( it’s my weekend) and also wants to take her abroad for a week with his mum. ( my weekend again)

can anyone help? I really feel that even 2 nights every other week is a long time for her to be away from her mummy. He has reached out to mediation but is threatening courts if I don’t go with what he wants.

I was going to offer we split the Xmas to make it’s fair, but he won’t like that as currently has the every other Christmas agreement with his ex, is that my problem?

he’s already threatened social services and police when I stood my ground and said no to him picking my daughter up before his other girls make her be in the car for over an hour and a half when she doesn’t need to be!

his girls are 8 and 10.

i feel this guy is trying to scare and bully me, what rights do I have?

Dpotter I have had a 30 min free chat with a solicitor and she was quite clear he’s not going to get everything he wants.

if I’m honest I find it strange he is now being like this. He wasn’t interested at all whilst I was pregnant. We couldn’t even tell his girls until 2 weeks because of the politics of his divorce which went on for 3 years. It’s always been on his terms and I never saw it… 😔

On the plus side DD is amazing and happy, fingers crossed she’s taking on my side of the family… was so wanted to email him back Saturday morning but a good friend said don’t reply until next week or even better just wait until the mediator gets in contact.

MolliciousIntent He has decided to move to buy a 3 bed house an hour away not really a love king father who wants to spend time with his 3 children….
why should he be allowed to take our daughter away at one year for a 4 hour flight without the person whose been basically bringing her up? She unable to say to him I want mummy, but who goes to see her every night when she is crying…

she came home from an overnight visit from his with a chipped tooth… she only has 8 I only saw it the next day but nothing has every happened like that until she stayed away over night with him and his 2 daughters.

I dont agree with many of the posters here

The passport is not lost or stolen, he ordered and paid for it, it is currently with him, what is the problem with this?

Whether he has 5 days with her dad over christmas is something that you can discuss at the mediation. The email sounds reasonable, its not 'patronising' as someone else said, its quite formal.

Hes also right that mediation is what needs to take place to avoid court processes, its not a threat, its the process.

I think every other weekend is perfectly fine, she needs substantial time with both her parents to build up relationships with them. Christmases are always going to be difficult because both parents will want their child with them but theoretically theres nothing wrong with the plan unless you have doubts about his relationship with her or his safety, you havent mentioned either.

A holiday away from home, his home and her main carer at that age is possibly a bit unsettling for her however, perhaps when she is a bit older it might be more suitable.

I was the one that originally suggested
mediation to him,

I don’t mind too much about the passport, I’m not going to take her abroad as I don’t have the money to.

im okay with every other weekend. But I will suggest to split Christmas esp. this first year. She is only 10 months and not able to say how she is feeling…

bit he has already threatened the police and social services which was very unneeded.

Yes of course saying he will phone SSD and the police is unreasonable but Im simply answering the point of your issue about the contact, the xmas and the holiday

Mediation is the best course for both of you and also if you dont resort to court oversight then you've been through that process and havent wasted time.

I think at this age christmas for that long is a bit tricky but you may both come to a different compromise.

He has her passport, you need a PSO as he can take her without your permission as it stands, regardless of if you say no to it. Protect your DD and get it asap

That would make no odds for a by then 1 year old on solids!!! Stupid comment to make

Courts don't support overnights till aged 3 as it is proven to be detrimental to a child's health and development. I think I'd be applying to the courts to step in and get a contact order in place. He is a complete bully and he will bully and manipulate for years to come if you don't nip it in the bud now!

It's about control and finances - the more he has her, the less maintenance he has to pay.

A baby shouldn't be spending that much time away from the main child care giver.

Thank you MissMaple82 and others for their comments, good and bad or seeing two sides. I honestly am not trying to be difficult, I’ve seen how he tried to bully the ex, they couldn’t continue with mediation because they argued there.

but I worry that he doesn’t give the love and attention to DD

I think I will speak further regarding legality under 3 years.

anything else anyone can add is grateful x

I feel for you. It’s very tough to have a beloved child out of your sight especially if your ex won’t give feedback after the visit.

Be grateful, however, that he is an interested dad. So many dads just walk away.

The law takes the view that a non-custodial parent should have access to their children unless there are very good reasons this shouldn’t happen. So it’s very likely your ex will be seeing your DD for the foreseeable future.

The 2 days every other weekend has been happening fairly well so it would be reasonable to continue with this. However, if it is ‘your’ weekend over Christmas, then you can either insist on having your DD yourself this year, and him having her next year, or propose splitting Christmas in some way that’s doable and fair. Decide what you’d prefer and put it forward at mediation.

You don’t have to fall in with his other DC’s access arrangements. Decide what would work for you and your DD.

I’m sorry to say that a judge would be likely to grant holiday access, here or abroad, as there’s no reason to think he wouldn’t return your child. Think what you’d like to propose at mediation. You might propose, for example, that she’d be too young to be away for a week until she’s around 3 or so.

Definitely consult a family law solicitor who will guide you about what you should be proposing at mediation. Try not to let niggles upset you, and don’t let access become a battle between you and your ex. (Easier said than done, I know.) Strongly put forward the view that your only concern is your DD’s welfare and that you expect the same from her father.

I'm sorry but the legality about courts not allowing overnight under 3 is wrong. I was taken to court by my ex for breastfed baby and he was granted over night with every other week from 6 months. I listened to all the advice on mumsnet about no overnight access until 18 months, 2 years plus and the court basically laughed me out of the room, there was no concerns about my parenting whatsoever but ex wanted more access and he got it. Please dont fall into same trap I did, I felt safe as I had heard so many posts or advice on here about overnight access and it meant nothing, just resulted in a lot of broken hearts.

Another point about Christmas, I know it sounds awful but your baby doesn’t know it’s Christmas at that age. You could celebrate the day earlier or later.

I understand him having her every other weekend with her sisters is good so I will agree with that continuing it gives me the rest bite I need also to be a good mum. I wouldn’t say not ever to holiday but definitely not jan and august when she will be only one. I will seek advice as to if I need to offer longer than the two nights every other weekend.

i feel pressured
by his email that although he’s asking I know what he’s like and the talk in there of courts and solicitors is him saying don’t agree and I’ll take
you to court. But I don’t think he’ll get what he wants.

thank you to honeysuckle16 it was
good to hear that I don’t have to pushed into when he has his girls for Christmas I know it’s because he’ll want to take them down to Devon where his family are, but that’s not my problem, I’m offering to split my weekend so he could have her Christmas Day afternoon and Boxing Day…

i will try my hardest to not let him get to me, but he knows how to be a you know what. His ex apparently threw a cup of hot coffee over in ( I can see how that might happen 😁)

he once said to me whilst we were together why are you being puffy…

i am 41 I had a horrible miscarriage which he wasn’t around for that weekend as had his other girls and didn’t think perhaps take them back early so you can support your girlfriend. He also didn’t take paternity leave because of work, everyone was off work… there’s always an excuse with him or a reason, I’m not being horrible about him, but trying to give a picture it’s always on his terms..

Sounds like my ex! He wants it all his own way and is being a controlling bully. Stand your ground and don't let him have her over christmas if you don't want. You do all the hard work and you should be able to spend quality time with her too! These men just make horrible threats and make a stressful time (being a single mother to a 10 month old is very stressful) even worse. What a safe, cruel person you must be to threaten social services and court against the mother of your own child. Sending hugs zzz

Bear in mind that mediation, if successful, avoids the considerable cost and anxiety of going to court. Your ex is saying, ‘agree to my suggestions and we won’t have to go to court’ but that’s not how mediation works.

It’s about finding a workable solution that benefits your DD and is acceptable to both parents. Both sides tend to start out with ambitious demands, hoping they’ll get maybe half of them. There is a lot of ‘sabre rattling’ but it’s no more than that, so don’t be frightened by it.

At mediation, there is often a feeling that both sides have to concede something, so consider asking for more than you’ll accept, at least on some points. I think that’s what your ex is doing just now - asking for Christmas and 2 holidays. Be advised by your solicitor, but it might be that you could start by saying No to Christmas and no holidays till she’s 5, but go on to negotiate a shared Christmas and holidays when she’s 3. You get the idea, I’m sure.

Yes, this is game-playing but the reality is that a parent going into mediation and asking for the minimum they’d accept is likely to find things difficult when the mediator suggests a concession.

Compared to other families, you and your ex aren’t that far away from an agreement so don’t be too downhearted.

It would be a massive NO from me, 5 days & a week are too long to be away from you - let him take you to court.

I would report passport lost & say no to all his unfair requests.

You breastfeed, don't you...

Sadly no I don’t breastfeed, she never took to it.

good point honeysuckle16 about agree to his suggestions, it’s really helped what people have said to know that a not going to shaft me. This prolonged family time is not i believe what the courts would suggest for a 1 year old anyway!

it was good to hear what you suggest perhaps going to the mediator with once they contact me haha because although his email implies they have, they haven’t, my friend has suggested not to message him at all, I will send him handover notes on Thursday ahead of his weekend, really wanted to say thank you for your email last Friday at 10.55 pm but perhaps I shouldn’t?

thank
you! x

A mediator can't force you to do anything, you don't have to agree to anything during mediation. It might even help.

If you need to reply I'd simply go back with 'thanks for your email, I will wait to hear from the mediator' and leave it at that

As for Xmas what do you think is reasonable? It's your weekend but in fairness, as much as you dislike him, he's still her father so you should split xmas. What he's suggesting, imo, is too long for a child of that age. Maybe you have her Xmas Eve and Xmas morning, he then collects her Xmas Eve and has her until the day after Boxing Day. Then vice versa next year. As for the Tenerife holiday, why wouldn't she go, unless you think she won't be looked after properly. Maybe use this time to request an additional weekend for yourself to take her away.

My ex was a bit of a nightmare with dates so whenever he requested a swap or additional dates I'd respond with my own request.

Him - could I have dd for x week or weekend as I'm thinking of taking her away

Me - yea it could work, I'd like to take her away in x date so we could swap weekends and I have her in x date (one of his weekends)

That way you don't miss out and he can't say no.

I am more than happy to suggest the split of Christmas. He won’t like it because I imagine he would want to take all 3 girls to Devon but I am compromising however maybe I’ll go In with the fact it’s my weekend, I am so glad I messaged in here first because I can see now he’s put the pole high, although with how stubborn is he really would want every he’s asked for.
as for the week In January. I don’t feel comfortable for her to be away that long from her primary carer this isn’t about me, it’s just he’s not been around even from the start, and I feel this is a very long way to be for the first holiday a week away. Hope that the mediator willl see this and I can request not until she is 3 and can actually communicate. Mothers have an intuition with things.

He might not like it, but it's not about his wants or wishes (or yours), it's about what's best for the child. What's best is a fair split that doesn't confuse the child or aliens any one parent. Xmas should be shared, he can't just expect to take her away just because 'it meets his needs'

By the way don't go in with 'mothers intuition' sounds crap and likely to just inflame the situation. Stick with facts and what's best for the child. A small baby shouldn't be away from the primary carer at that age, Google why and go in with facts.

Hi All been up and down with the ex but okay.
he has asked for the following, this year as he doesn’t have his girls he said I can have lily but I would still like to have lily every Christmas Day for some of it, problem is his family is in Devon and his other daughters, I want to compromise and be amicable as I’ve got to work with his for the next …. Years
anyone have any other suggestion? I could offer?

this is what he said:
I would like to work towards having Lily a period of time, alternating over either Christmas Day or New Years Eve. The idea is, we have Lily between either 23rdDec to 27th Dec or 27th Dec to 1st Jan.Timings to be discussed. This would allow Lily to spend time with her family in Devon and reduce time spent in the car.

The timings of wekends and holidays would continue to fall in line with the days / times when I have Lily’s two sisters to allow her to develop the amazing relationship they all have established over the last couple of years.

How did it go with the mediator OP? I can see the main of this thread is from last year. What are the current arrangements for dd, she is nearly 2 now right?

What plan have you for when she goes to school?

Have you considered contacting a solicitor for support with this?