Do you enjoy being a parent?

[starbaby858]

I don’t.

I genuinely hate being a parent as everything feels never ending and I don’t have a spare 5 minutes to just sit and relax. I have 2 under 2 and my youngest has just been diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder. Since he came out of NICU some months ago, he has weekly appointments. Whether it be a paediatric appointment, with the neurologist, physio, OT, the list just doesn’t end.

I have support from family and their dad sees them three times a week so it isn’t about lack of support. I find parenting fucking brutal and I wish someone had prepared me for how difficult it is. My eldest is going through a phase of hitting, biting and not wanting to eat any food.

I’m not sure why I’m posting really, I just find everything shit and wonder if anyone feels similar or has any advice

Yes. I love being a Mum. I feel incredibly grateful. Many don’t get the chance.

I wouldn’t have chosen to have two that close together though. I had big gaps in between mine.

Just walk away. I assume when you say they see their dad 3 times a week, that you are separated and don’t live together. He obviously has/had no issue in not being the parent with main parental responsibility. Why not you?

I would just up and leave and get your life back. Kids are by nature selfish. Not their fault but doesn’t mean you have to continue to bother with them. Leave them with their father and go about your own life.

Life is short and you only get one shot at it. Go and please yourself, as it likely isn’t going to get any better if you stay on the same trajectory. They will be fine and even if they aren’t, so what, you won’t be there to have to worry about it.

I say this as someone with 2 children btw.

I do belive having kids is a blessing as not everyone is able to be a parent. However I don’t feel grateful or anything like that. I literally feel like I’ve ruined my own life

@starbaby858 do you love your children? I'm a little worried for their well-being

@MrsVoog wow what shocking advice on first read, but I do kind of agree tbh. the children would be better off without a mother than one that clearly doesn't love or cherish them.

I tried for 5 years for my child, I am so grateful for him. He genuinely makes me happy, there is no better happiness than seeing your child happy. I think if you don't feel this when you are missing the maternal genes or something, I can't understand hating being a mum.

I do belive having kids is a blessing as not everyone is able to be a parent. However I don’t feel grateful or anything like that. I literally feel like I’ve ruined my own life

Your youngest is still a baby - do you think you might have PND? You sound very low indeed. Have you spoken to a health professional about how you’re feeling?

@Ashleighz88 how dare you. Do you have two kids under the age of two? Do you have ANY idea how relentless it is? Of course I love my kids. I would die for my kids. That doesn’t mean that I have to enjoy parenting. All you have to do is read the full thread to understand there are other parents who feel the same. It’s brutal.

I’d love to hear your opinion if you’re a single mum with two under two (with one that has a genetic disorder). I’d really LOVE to hear your opinion if you were in the same boat as me but guess what, you’re not? You tried 5 years for your son and your grateful for him. Honestly whoop de do for you. Not everyone must feel exactly how you do. If you had my life then maybe you could judge but you don’t. If you can’t relate to anything on this thread or don’t understand the feeling, why don’t you talk about the positives of being a parent like others have? Why say that I don’t love or cherish my kids and that I must not be maternal. What a bitchy little comment.

This is a PARENTING forum btw. People should be able to express any feelings and ask for advice without others judging just because they can’t relate

@MrsVoog really funny comment thank you for that

@BeanieTeen why must it be PND because I don’t enjoy being a parent? Do all the other parents who have commented saying they also don’t enjoy it, have PND too?

There's nothing to suggest OP doesn't love her children, but that can be the case and parenting can also be challenging and not overly enjoyable. I suspect you're missing the empathy gene, there are plenty of things I personally don't feel but can well imagine why others feel differently. Perhaps work on not being judgemental so you don't pass this trait on to your child?

I tried for 5 years for my child, I am so grateful for him. He genuinely makes me happy, there is no better happiness than seeing your child happy. I think if you don't feel this when you are missing the maternal genes or something, I can't understand hating being a mum.

Well good for you @Ashleighz88 So by the sounds of it you have just the one? I do too and based on that I wouldn’t make such ignorant comments about someone who has 2 under 2.

I have one DS who is pretty easy going, a supportive DH, and get plenty of breaks. So it’s easy for me to say ‘yay to motherhood!’
I’m sure if I’d just come out of the fourth trimester, had a child who was poorly in and out of hospital, had another child who’s a toddler being quite difficult, and no other adult in the house to support me emotionally, then I might feel very differently. OP is going through a very tricky time. I’m sure she does love her children - but I do struggle to see what exactly she is supposed to be ‘enjoying’ at the moment. I know I would also find it tough. She is very much in her right to feel down - that doesn’t mean she’s ‘missing maternal genes.’

Starbaby858.. that’s why I put it in CAPS not everyone is living the same life. Do not be made to feel guilty by someone who does not understand your situation in the slightest. ❤️You can get empathy from other parents who’ve had a tough time but trust me when I say it you need to vent/share/talk with people also going through it, not someone who has one school aged miracle child😂

They just don’t get it - it’s a different life.

@starbaby858 my only concern is the children. And saying you would like to run away from them makes me concerned for them. Apologies if that offends you, but it does. I am not in your shoes no, but I simply cannot understand if you hate it so much why you went on to have another one? Surely you realised two under two would be hard. The children did not ask to be brought into the world.

@Secondchildregret thank you so much! You’re absolutely right. I’m going to join the FB group now so I can see how other parents feel and how they manage to get through the days. Thanks again for your support🥹 I’m still laughing at your first post on my thread. So relatable and true haha

Ashleigh now you’ve moved from being naive to saying pure dumb comments.

Wrap it up..

How an earth could anyone know before hand what challenges lie ahead in terms of health, sleep needs, comfort needs, relationship breakdown.. whatever.

It is never ending. It's easy to feel like its a boring/thankless treadmill.

I think you're probably very tired what with them being the age that they both are, but, also it is possible you'll get better at managing the demands. We all improve with practice. But also, it seems as though you need a paradigm shift. There's a parallel universe where you are enjoying parenting more than you are now. I wonder what cognitive shift would switch you to that timeline?

Meanwhile, though, you are allowed to find it shit. It's really normal.

@BeanieTeen why must it be PND because I don’t enjoy being a parent? Do all the other parents who have commented saying they also don’t enjoy it, have PND too?

Not saying it must be at all @starbaby858
Just something to think about - because it is something you could get support with if it was the case. It just came to mind because your youngest is still very little. Sometimes it can come on for no reason - sometimes it can be down to circumstances. Having a poorly baby can often be a trigger - it was for a close family member of mine.
Some people just don’t enjoy parenting as we’ve seen. But sometimes that feeling can be brought on by depression.
Some people genuinely don’t love their children (I’m not referring to you by the way). And some people feel like they don’t love their children because of depression.
What I’m saying is is that depression can influence our emotions in that way. And sometimes if you overcome depression those feelings can be changed. But of course sometimes these feelings just are what they are and that’s fair enough too.

I really love it. My kid is great, and I’m crazy about him. I’m very lucky. I wasn’t too keen on being “a mum” but did want a child. Mine was a late surprise, and I took to it well. Covid actually helped in that we could do our own thing & not be involved in the usual mum / baby stuff (we are now, of course). It was hard, I feel it strengthened our bond.

I do hate my marriage / DH now, though. He made things a billion times harder than it needed to be. I know he’s a tough person to be around, but after birth (c-section) & with a small baby, I was vulnerable. He was brutal at times... He loves our son, and vice versa, but I don’t think I can live with the shouting / moods much longer. I don’t want aggro in my kid’s life (or mine!).

@Ashleighz88 last time I’m responding to you as it seems as if you don’t have any common sense.

Yes when my 4 month old is having seizures and I’m rushing him to A&E, I want to run away. When my 16 month old is teething and biting me 10 times a day, I want to fucking run away. The kids are loved but that doesn’t mean I should automatically love the challenges that come with them.

Relationships break down. Did I know I was going to become a single mum when I was pregnant with my second? You sound dumb

I do and always have, but having two children under two would be another kettle of fish, especially where on needs constant medical appointments. That is very much the deep end of parenthood and it is totally normal to find it gruelling.

I'm not a naturally maternal person. I have ADHD and so does my youngest. I have two sons nearly 6 and nearly 9. Since I had my second I've found it very very difficult and I have a husband who helps. I wouldn't change them for the world but I don't enjoy being a parent about 70% of the time

@BeanieTeen apologies about my abruptness in my previous comment to you.

I did have PND with my first so maybe it’s something to think about. I personally don’t think it is PND that’s causing me to feel like this, it’s just pure exhaustion. My mental health has definitely been impacted since having my youngest so maybe I’ll get in touch with my GP and see what’s going on. Thank you

Yes, I love it. My ds is the best thing I have ever done, he's a pleasure to be around.

The first week of home schooling was a 'challenge' but generally we get on very well.

I do, but mine are much older and I have a large age gap so essentially I’ve done the only child thing twice. I do sometimes think of what my life would be like without them. More money, travel, spontaneity, but really I think that dream life would have been overshadowed by the sadness I would have felt if I hadn’t had them. I know other people are happy child free or with just one child but I don’t think I would have been one of them, there would always have been something missing.

When they were little it was bloody hard work though and I think I might have been driven over the edge by 2 under the age of 2 never mind a baby with additional medical needs etc. I really hope things get better for you as your children get older and you find ways to enjoy them.

I love being a mum. Can’t imagine my life without children. Sure, some days are harder than others but I still wouldn’t change it. I’m pregnant with number 4.