Traumatic emergency c-section: what to say to someone?

[AgrippinaT]

Afternoon all

My lovely friend has had her baby girl yesterday delivered by an emergency section. She has described it as traumatic and hasn't given me any details (understandably).

What words did you find comforting if this has happened to you? What can I do to help, as a friend?

She was so excited to labour and birth naturally. I just don't want her to feel sad! And I'm not the best at finding the right things to say sometimes.

Thanks 🙏🏼

I had one of these. Ask how she is and don't say anything about her hopes for vaginal delivery unless she brings it up. The most important thing is that she and the baby are well.

She won't be able to drive for a few weeks, or pick up heavy things, so if there's anything you can do there to help her she'd probably find that very helpful. If she's a very close friend can you offer to do some ironing or laundry for her?

Tell her your friend how glad you are that she and her baby are both safe, tell her she's a hero, and that you love her. Then just be there to listen if she wants to talk.

Honestly, all the hype around natural labour and birth is so detrimental to women.

I think just say how sorry you are that it was such a bad experience and that things didn't happen the way she wanted them to. Be there if she wants to talk.

Don't say anything along the lines of "but at least you are both ok" - I used to want to yell "IM NOT FUCKING OK" - it took a lot of time and counseling for me to see that perspective (traumatic birth with ds1).

This is perfect advice, thank you all

Whatever you say, don't say "at least you have a healthy baby". I had a traumatic c section and pretty much everyone wholly dismissed my experience and just focused on what a joy my perfectly healthy baby was. This attitude made me feel that I was unreasonable and wrong to experience the trauma in the first place and did not let me put it behind me for many years.
The first person who validated my feelings about the trauma caused by the c section was a psychotherapist 7 years later...

Do not say anything that starts with the words 'At least'. Cannot emphasise that enough.

Listen and say affirmative things like 'that sounds scary', or 'you were very brave/strong going through that', or 'I'm sure you're feeling shaken by the whole experience'.

Anything that validates her emotions about the experience and doesn't attempt to make her shut up (which is often what I got when I tried to reach out to people about my traumatic birth. It retraumatised me every time'.

You are an amazing friend, by the way.

Don't say anything along the lines of "but at least you are both ok" and this Whatever you say, don't say "at least you have a healthy baby".

If she wants to talk about it then listen to her, don’t dismiss her feelings. I had a similar experience with my first planned a natural birth ended up with a crash c section and it upset me so much when people said the above.

Exactly. It was so upsetting when people said that to me. I remember trying to tell people how much I was suffering and they were basically telling me to be grateful nobody died. It heaped so much shame on top of my trauma and made me feel so invisible. Every time someone told me that, I had a feeling like a long, silent scream inside. Taught me a lot about what to say when anyone is suffering, though.

"What can I do to help you" "do you need anything" if she ever wants to open up she will. I agree no "at least", try not to get her to tell you what happened but have the door open if she wants too.

Don't expect any "details" any time soon. It took me 3-4 years to be able to discuss it without crying.

If she wants to go over the story f what happened give her space and just listen. Just relating the trauma can be helpful for some people but be led by her. Don't try to cheer her up or distract her..give her the space to be whatever she wants.

Don't ask what you can do to help, just head over and put a load in the washing machine, wash up, hoover, bring food or pay for take out, just do something without being asked.
Ask her about what happened but say she doesn't have to discuss and watch carefully for signs of distress. I know everyone is different but most women I know absolutely love talking their difficult births through at length.
Offer to hold baby so she can shower or take baby out for a walk so she can get 5m on her own. She may or may not want this...
Oh and bring ice cream, lots of it.

Oh that’s tough for her 😞 I had a fairly uneventful forceps delivery, not ideal but not traumatic so no first hand experience, but I would comment on how brave she’s been, going through that to bring her baby into the world safely. Hope she feels better soon.

Birth trauma is a tricky thing to recover from. I had it and found birth trauma counselling incredibly helpful with my third baby. She might benefit from seeking access to the service via her midwife or GP mine was through the perinatal mental health team.

You don’t have to say anything. Just go and visit her and take your cues from her.
Two of my friends who were enormously helpful to me and my state of mind in the hospital days after his birth had both experienced traumatic births and also poorly babies. We never spoke of it but I think it influenced how they were there for me.

I also agree that reminding someone that at least her and the baby are here and fine is not a good idea. Apart from the fact she’s had an unscheduled major operation, her hormones will be all over the place and she will be either avoiding or struggling to process parts of it. So much focus is on the baby but she has been through an ordeal as a woman she will need space and support to recover from that.

tell her she's a hero

I'd be careful with words like hero or brave because after my exceedingly traumatic emcs I couldn't stand stuff like that. My sense of failure and the feeling that I'd endangered my child was so absolute I felt lied to and patronised whenever people tried to tell me otherwise.

I had a crash c section and felt a failure.
Tell her you love her and she's amazing.

Definitely focus on validation, not advice. Confirm her feelings, be understanding etc. And support her if she needs to seek professional help

Definitely do not call her a hero 🙄

Agree with all those who say offer her any practical support you can.

I do think that all this clap trap around natural births is massively unhealthy though. Child birth is inherently risky for both mother and baby. Having an emergency c section is an outcome for a large percentage of births.

That doesn't make it less traumatic for the individual but on a societal level I don't think we talk openly enough about what is actually normal.
It also presents a view of vaginal birth as some kind of uptopia which is much quicker recovered from. Initially perhaps, though not with a third degree tear, and it comes with a lifetime of other complications.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant but that you have to be careful not to mention that your friend might have wanted a vaginal birth is a reflection of the mad situation we have created. She's done an amazing thing a brought new life into the world. She is now a mother
These are the things that matter not the bloody way it came out

Start with open questions: 'do you want to tell me about that?' 'How do you feel about that?' Very bland, open questions, and read her responses. She may want to talk about it, in which case just listen; she may not, in which case change the subject and don't press it.

You sound like a lovely sensitive friend to be thinking about this 🙂

I agree @Calmdown14

I don’t have any birth trauma, I strongly believe because I had a complicated pregnancy and knew I would need to be induced several weeks early. I also knew for a first baby early induction in many cases ends in a CS. So I went into it expecting a long failed induction and EMCS, and was ‘pleasantly surprised’ to have a relatively speedy 12 hour labour finishing with a straightforward forceps delivery. I don’t doubt if I had been planning an MLU water birth or similar, it would’ve felt very disappointing.

I also think sometimes pregnant women think if their pregnancy has been great and textbook, that must mean the birth will be as well. My colleague had a great pregnancy with her daughter, was glowing! She chose a stand-alone midwife unit, labour started fine but things started to go wrong and she ended up with a long ambulance transfer and Kiellands delivery. She said it was very shocking, and with retrospect she wishes she had chosen to give birth in the main hospital. It just didn’t occur to her anything would go wrong.

Anyway I digress, but I agree with you, I think we need a bit more realism about what can actually happen, to manage expectations.

I had a crash section. I found I wanted to talk about it, in minute detail, over and over.

I had this with my DD and agree saying "At least you are both healthy..." etc is not helpful. I had a lot of injuries post-birth, many embarrassing things happened post-surgery, and I couldn't Bf despite my best efforts. I was very disappointed with my experience. I'd say offer lots of hugs and be prepared for tears.

Absolutely.

I always say to this, if someone had just had a horrible car crash and had had to have medical attention because of it, would you say "well at least you got nice new car out of it".

You are a kind and thoughtful friend. Could have done with someone like you after my first birth.

Don't say at least you and baby are alive/at least you have a healthy baby or call her a hero. Listen to her if she wants to talk and offer practical help if you can.

My heart used to race and my chest tighten just going past the hospital where my daughter was delivered for years afterwards.