Traumatic emergency c-section: what to say to someone?

[AgrippinaT]

Afternoon all

My lovely friend has had her baby girl yesterday delivered by an emergency section. She has described it as traumatic and hasn't given me any details (understandably).

What words did you find comforting if this has happened to you? What can I do to help, as a friend?

She was so excited to labour and birth naturally. I just don't want her to feel sad! And I'm not the best at finding the right things to say sometimes.

Thanks 🙏🏼

No one asked me how I was after my traumatic emcs all their focus was on Dts, whilst physically I was ok after a few days mentally I was not. You sound like a caring friend op to be considering it.

I would just check in regularly, don't expect replies and let her know you are there if she needs you.

I had an emcs after a failed induction with pre-eclampsia, a distressed baby who went to nicu for a few hours, so no immediate skin to skin, difficulty establishing breastfeeding, was in hospital over a week and I found it quite cathartic to talk about and wouldn't say it was "traumatic" to me but then I didn't expect it to go smoothly so maybe pessimistic tendencies help a little! Everyone is different and needs different things, she may want to talk about it. Just be there for her, and offer practical help (make her/the family a meal, offer to entertain older children, help with putting a wash on, fold some baby clothes, drive them somewhere if she wants to go, offer to watch baby while she has a shower - if she's comfortable with that) often these things don't go amiss for a new mum!
I know I really appreciated the friends and family who did those little (but big!) things for me at the time and still do think of them fondly. It's sweet of you to think of these things and already shows that you'll be a good friend and support however your friend's situation develops.

Mine was also traumatic I was only 17 at the time that was 22 years ago. I can't remember alot of it but I was 42 weeks was due to be induced and went into labour for so many hours and nothing was happening and ended up having emcs. It doesn't traumatise me anymore and not long after it luckily but at the time it was horrible as it was a shock. Having a planned c section in a weeks time with my second. Very scared but will hopefully be a much different experience. Hope your friend is OK.

I remember one of the nurses (no midwives in the country I delivered) told my husband that I had been very strong during the ordeal and I remember clinging onto that comment as a lifeline for months. I felt like the most pathetic weakling and thought everyone thought I was a bit of a joke for how it all turned out. The sense that someone who had been there and thought I was strong sort of validated how bad things really were. I found it healing.

I appreciate that maybe others might find it patronising or over compensating after reading your comment. Most of the people close to me seemed to think I was being a bit of a snowflake about it all, but a few weeks ago (almost 8 years since the birth), my mum commented that she actually thought I'd been very brave to go through that birth and go onto have other kids, and that I should be proud of myself. When she said that, I felt like I could finally close the door on that period of my life. It was that last little bit of validation that I needed.

Also went through this and have trauma counselling now as a result. Don't always ask what she needs, she may feel too polite to say. When you go to her home (if invited)...grab the hoover, wash up. Make her the cup of tea. Let her enjoy those cuddles and rest. A gift for mum as well as baby if possible. New baggy pjs etc. Tell her what a strong mummy baby has. She will feel physically and mentally exhausted. Anything you can do the lighten the load would be amazing. You sound like a wonderful friend

Thank you all for replying!

She's a wonderful person and this is her first baby, so I want to make sure she feels safe, happy and validated.

I am lucky enough to have had three pretty straight forward births so struggle to truly empathise in an emergency section situation.

This in spades!!!!! It’s an awful feeling to have your traumatic experience dismissed missed because “at least she’s hear now and she’s/you’re alright”. The physical and mental scars will take time to heal.
you’re a great friend for asking this question ahead of time.

I completely agree with this. I had a traumatic c section too with twins. Everyone without exception gave me the “let’s just be grateful you’re ok and the babies are ok”. It wasn’t even true - I was quite unwell, the babies were in special care and one of them was ill. Nobody wanted to hear that and nobody was listening to me. It was all “so glad to hear you’re fine”. If I tried to talk to anyone they just looked straight through me and immediately went back to cooing about the babies. It was horrible and I’m sure that being dismissed like that added to my trauma.

As PPs have mentioned she might not be ready to talk, but if you’re there for her when she is, you’re a true friend and she’ll really appreciate you.

Hi. I read your thread when I was out earlier today but it was timely for me and I thought that this thread (it only has a few posts) which I wrote less than a week ago might be useful.

Everything that everyone has said above about not minimising it is the best advice that I can give. My baby almost died and nobody acknowledged that. Another poster on my thread used a term a GP used with her which was an 'obstetric disaster'. I think that's about as apt a name as any.
You need to acknowledge the trauma that your friend has experienced. There will have been periods during that ordeal where she thought she was losing her baby. The fear doesn't leave you if it's not recognised.
You sound lovely and kind to consider how best to support her.

The practical help is excellent, but realising that she will have experienced something horrific is possibly more useful (depending on the supports she has in her life).

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4621330-birth-trauma-and-mental-ill-health?page=2&reply=119579976

Everyone tries to gloss over it and not mention it and not acknowledge it and basically negate everything that you feel in doing so.

What @Calmdown14 says. With bells on. Fucking hypnobirthing ‘professionals’ are the biggest load of misogynists going if you ask me.

She might cry, she might be anxious with the baby (when you almost lose them, you really are not anxious - you realise how precarious their little lives are), she might blame herself, then her husband, then her family, then herself, then a doctor, then herself, then a midwife, then herself. It's not spoken about at all as you're lucky you have a healthy baby. Yes. You know that. You don't need to be told it.

I wanted to batter every person who said that at least ds & I were OK, I wasn't, I had PTSD & I'm sure it contributed to the fact I was suicidal with PND.

Such great advice here from PP. The only other thing I would add is when you do go round (and after my cat 1 section I didn’t want to see anyone apart from my parents and in laws for a bit) then do ask her partner how he is doing too. My DH was very traumatised as well from what happened (whisked away without him being told really what was happening beyond it maybe needing to be under general and they would keep him updated). We obviously were also talking about it to process what happened but what I also needed was for him to also be supported emotionally so that he could help support me rather than shouldering it all and suppressing feelings.

Also don’t expect your friends physical recovery to be linear, even if it is a ’good’ recovery and she is up and about quickly and healing well, be mindful that she has had major abdominal surgery. My best friend thought that because I had walked to her house I could therefore carry the pushchair up the steps into her house… at 4 weeks post section.

Agreed. I think that for me, nobody spoke about horror birth stories. It was almost bragging rights to say oh I laboured for 72 hours without pain relief and a c-section was the champion of labour stories. The reality is very different. Your baby might die and you experience that terror, at the mercy of medical professionals and their 'best practice'. If your baby survives, that makes it all ok then? Haven't you a beautiful baby now? FUCK OFF. Lol.

I think that reassurance that she did everything right is going to be important. Be aware that she will probably be swinging from blaming herself to blaming everyone around her.

I would also do the therapeutic thing of not asking 'what happened?' but if she wants to talk, then listening for a start and then asking her for what she felt about the whole thing. What happened is almost irrelevant as the terror I felt will never leave me. You could say something like 'Oh my goodness, that must have been horrific' while you are making a cup of tea and letting her talk. It WILL have been horrific.

The self-blame is something that I felt most strongly. I didn't blame doctors or midwives. I laid the blame of my baby almost dying firmly with myself.

Reassuring her that her baby was meant to be might help (I felt the opposite, like as if my baby was not meant to be). It's hard to give a right thing to say as her experience will have unique and how she feels about it will be unique. You're going to need to be intuitive (and it sounds like you already are) but I would warn against comparing your births to her birth, even if in a self-deprecating way. She almost lost her first true love and she will be traumatised. Straight-forward births are not comparable.

I was the opposite to a lot of posters here and very much of the camp of what happened happened we are both here safe and if DH stabs me with one more needle I am going to push it in him to see how he likes it...puts happy face back on.

If she is accepting guest I would go round and talk to her. Ask if she would like you to do any washing etc. I had nerve damage from mine so was in minimal pain but didn't have the abdominal strength to easily get back up off the floor! Took me two weeks to start driving so if anyone offered to pick me and DS for coffee in the second week they were the best person ever!

Some woman and men like to talk about it some don't. I just wanted it to be treat as a normal delivery, coo over DS, chat about the lack of sleep, get those newborn pictures etc

There are two things which you will not want her to feel and they are 1. that she is to blame and 2. that she is to blame.
The fear that has never left me though is that I would lose my baby (now a lot older lol).
You are going in with innocence to a joyful time, you've read every book, you've played Mozart to your womb, you've done everything right and then......... you realise how very little fucking control you have over what happens to the most precious person in your life.

Was yours a traumatic birth though?

Name changed as outing.

I had a truly horrific c-section. Pretty much as bad as it can get assuming mother and child are healthy in that my anesthetic wore off part way through and the top up wasn't working. So I was cut open and could feel the whole bloody thing. They were trying to get me to agree to converting to general anesthetic but in my petrified and agonised state I refused because I was worried what that would mean for baby and couldn't process what they were telling me. Incredibly rare apparently for that that happen.

Anyway, my point is that because my experience was so horrific, all anyone I told could basically find to say was something along the lines of "you poor thing, that's horrendous, I have no idea how you coped with that and are still even vaguely functioning". And oddly that shock and acknowledgement was really validating and helpful and it helped me make my peace with it.

So my vote is for acknowledging it was awful and not offering any "but at least" etc.

Oddly I'm not actually at all traumatised now several years on. It feels like something that happened to someone else. It sounds horrific and I can't imagine how someone could get through that and not be traumatised, and then I realise I did. Weird. Perhaps it will hit me one day, but I don't think so.

Good for you. I can't remember the first 3 months of my dd life as I was so unwell and deeply traumatised by the birth. I have never forgiven my inlaws for insisting on coming to the hospital to visit the day after birth. They were bitching about not having newborn photos. I nearly fucking died giving birth.

TOTALLY agree with the “ at least” comments or focus on healthy baby etc. This happened me after a very difficult pregnancy where I nearly died, a c section where I nearly died and left me with long term physical damage for life, a readmission to hospital with a 3 week old... all I hear constantly was .. at least the baby’s great . Just focus on the healthy baby ..the most important thing is baby is well... et etc at one point I remember my Gp was the first person who said “you’ve been through a lot” at my 8 weeks check and I sat and cried and cried. She was worried I had pnd but I was like no just for the last 8 weeks ppl have focused on the healthy baby and no ones asked or commented about me.
now I always always ask my new mum friends how there mood is? How are you finding everything? Open statements like It’s a lot of change for you .., you’ve been through a lot... then silence and wait for them to share what they need to.
Your friend is lucky to have you!

That's what people need to hear. We're mothers. We wouldn't be traumatised if we didn't care. You don't need to tell us. You could do well however with caring for Mum so that Mum is in a position to care for her baby.

What was said to me and has stayed with me after my V traumatic birth, was sorry to hear you had a difficult time it takes the shine of it a bit doesn't it. - not a conversation, not saying I will forget about it ( I haven't ) not saying it's over now and I have a lovely baby, just a simple acknowledgment that it's wasn't good