Traumatic emergency c-section: what to say to someone?

[AgrippinaT]

Afternoon all

My lovely friend has had her baby girl yesterday delivered by an emergency section. She has described it as traumatic and hasn't given me any details (understandably).

What words did you find comforting if this has happened to you? What can I do to help, as a friend?

She was so excited to labour and birth naturally. I just don't want her to feel sad! And I'm not the best at finding the right things to say sometimes.

Thanks 🙏🏼

She won't be able to drive for a few weeks, or pick up heavy things, so if there's anything you can do there to help her she'd probably find that very helpful. If she's a very close friend can you offer to do some ironing or laundry for her?

This or any food prep. Anything physical even walking is difficult at first. Don't say, at least the baby is healthy or anything about a natural so called delivery. Just ask what practical help she needs. Even like a step to get in and out of bed

Good of you to ask OP and so many excellent responses. Most useful thing someone said to me “oh mate, that sounds shit, have a hug”. I didn’t remember huge chunks of time and ended up with a GA for the EMCS so I wasn’t even able to go into detail till it started coming back - some still hasn’t and won’t several years later. But she knew the basics and just empathised without any flowery crap or “at least”s.

Another friend who’s usually excellent at words at leasted me when I said my horrible hip to hip scar was now infected and I was in agony - I didn’t want to talk about my baby, she was fine, wanted to moan about the awful fucking pain I was in and thought an “it sucks” wasn’t too much to fucking ask…

I’d have hated someone inviting themselves over and trying to launder my clothes or hoover my floor. I didn’t want my amazing mum doing that, DH was on the case and we were fine. I’d have been raging and felt very patronised by someone busybodying into my home and suggesting it was a shit hole.

Take her biscuits, compliment her baby, be open to anything and everything she wants to say. Don’t compare your experiences to hers. Some women feel they’ve given birth to their babies. Some feel their baby was wrenched from a large incision they never wanted and it can be extremely traumatic.

Lots of good advice here, but to add one small piece more. I found that I was tensing physically and mentally anytime someone touched me because my body/mind seemed to have an assumption that any touch was going to be traumatic. I only worked it out when I coincidentally went for a massage several weeks later and my massage therapist helped me process it. Maybe see if she feels the same way and offer to give her a foot spa/foot massage/pedicure as being touched in kindness might help.

And a squatty potty might be a good gift (although a mite embarrasing)

Maybe a compasionate "oh boy, you've been through the wars haven't you, glad to see you back home, I'm here if you need anything, even if it is just someone to drop some milk off on the doorstep, quickly drop off a home cooked meal or stay and listen, I dont want to over step so just tell me what I can do to help when you have worked out yourself what you need "

Nobody will ask for help. You need to give it without expectations.

'I'm putting a white wash on at home and I only have a few bits, I can bring some of your whites to stick on with mine?' She'll say no. You say 'I won't hear no for an answer!'. (Please use a colour catcher sheet lol)
'I tend to overcook, would you like if I counted you in and dropped it over instead of throwing out the leftovers?' We'll be passing by and it would be easy just to plate it?
'Can I sit with your baby and chat to you while I run you a bath as you need a little rest?'
'How is the scar healing? I don't know much about that. Is it painful?'

I'm not talking about being a conniving interference in her life. I'm talking about what was offered to me and most appreciated by me at the time. I literally did not have the energy to answer the phone. The exhaustion was horrendous and people offering help was turned down as I didn't want to impose on them. One aunt did not take no for an answer.

You need to let her talk too. She will be in shock (yes). She also has a wound which heals well in my experience.

I'm not sure how she is feeding, but when I was breastfeeding, bottles of water beside me were crucial as was food.
When bottle-feeding, having someone make up the bottles was a gift.

With the water and food when breastfeeding, I did not have a nursery or a special comfy rocking chair or a husband indeed lol. It was just me. The 2 litre bottles of water were my saviour. I can't describe the thirst when I was breastfeeding? My baby was drinking (guzzling) and I was downing litres of water at the same time. The other thing that my aunt said was about eating being important. That aunt kept me and my baby alive. She did my laundry, she washed dishes, she held my baby while I tried to sleep, she (or her husband) dropped full dinners into me and she advised me that what kept her alive through breastfeeding was digestive biscuits and cheddar cheese lol.

You're a Mum to three and I know that you know all this already. It's just that she may be more anxious about losing the baby than if she had had a straight-forward delivery. She may not be able to relax or sleep and therefore suffer from exhaustion piled on mental trauma.

I wish I had a friend like you!