Grandparents... how much/how little?

[FTMFML]

We do not know others with children so I suppose it makes it difficult to judge- and I do realise that everyone's version of "normal" is different. But how much are your LO's grandparents involved?

Do they stay during the day.. overnight.. how often.. why do they stay.. what age were they when started/are they?

Just trying to get a rough idea if my feelings of guilt are right.. or if I'm being unreasonable in my hopes and dreams!

Everyone's 'normal' is different

Do you live close to them? How good is your relationship with them? How old are the DC??

Nothing at all here, no over nights no day times nothing.

DHs parents aren’t involved. They live in a different country and don’t speak any English. When we visit they refuse to participate in any activities we do or meals we go out for. Despite this MIL has learned ‘I love you’ in English and repeats it regularly to all of us.
DM lives 15 minutes away and we see her usually 3-4 times a week. DD is at a sleep over there now and has had sleepovers there since she stopped BF at night.

DM does ad hoc child care and school runs, but refuses to be tied down to specific days, so we have a nanny for the bulk of the childcare.

Nothing , nada, zilch and it hurts 😞

My 2 year old has been looked after 2 days a week by grandparents since he was 1 (he goes to each grandparent one day a week). This is only because we’re working full time but it’s actually really nice, he’s very close to both of them.

No overnight stays though.

It can be different with different grandchildren too - my parents had dd1 two afternoons and one full day a week but because I have a bigisb age gap, they only have dd2 1 day a week. They have dd1 for overnights but not yet dd2

My children are 8 and 5. They haven't spent longer than an hour at a time with grandparents without us, and that's about once or twice a year.

DH's parents are older and our DDs are pretty small - i don't imagine they'll ever stay over with them solo, it would be too much, but we see them every month or so (2hr drive) and video call at least once a week, they're super engaged and toddler DD adores them. The baby probably doesn't know who they are yet, but she will.

My parents are down the road. We see them about once a week, they do the odd bit of childcare, toddler DD has a sleepover with them every few months. Baby DD is still breastfed so no overnights yet, but I imagine they'll have her too when the time comes. As with DH's parents, they're super engaged and DD thinks they walk on water.

Kids are equally attached to both sets.

Interesting so far, only one grandchild for both in laws and my parents and she is 9 months old and they lift 3 minutes away and 5 minutes away.
I have no expectation as such (just incase I'm about to get a label of entitled) I am just curious as to the general "norm"

Nothing at all. Each live 3 hours away and one has health issues.

Nothing for our daughter. My dad has his own issues see him a few times a year. My mother is NC.
OHs mother has issues with her health, though she can manage the older grandkids for weekends/caravan trips. Rarely see her though she's fairly local.
OHs father and step mum we see the most. Supportive in general and help where they can but not with childcare. See very little of OHs two boys. The also live the furthest away.
Ex MIL had my eldest two once a month for overnights when they were younger. But they've not slept over now since pre covid.
Only break we get is nursery for our daughter, school for the older ones.

dm had/has dc 1 day per week since 3 months old while I work.
overnight stays, I can count on one hand.
mil has dc now and again, maybe once every couple of months.

9m is a little early for overnights, I'd say, so I wouldn't get too het up about that. Do you instigate contact with them both equally?

My own parents were well in to their 70s when grandkids came along. They did the odd night babysitting and I saw them at least once a week for Sunday lunch, but they never had the kids on their own during the day.
My in laws weren't that interested at all. If I didn't bring my kids over to see them they wouldn't have any relationship with them at all.
Of course now my parents have passed away and my remaining in law is 96.

My DM is very involved. Lives locally, babysits often, helps with the school run, takes them overnight...sees them at least twice a week.

DH's parents are divorced - his dad is about an hour away, sees them maybe once every 2 months for about half a day. Has never babysit, but probably would in an emergency.

DH's DM lives in another country, sees them 2-3 times a year for a few days at a time. Has babysat when they were younger , wouldn't mind keeping an eye on them for a few hours now, if asked.

My mum's proximity and relative youth by comparison is what makes the difference, I think.

My Mum's the exact same as this. My Dad doesn't do any childcare at all (my Mum and Dad are separated). My in laws have only started doing a few ad hoc days now my eldest is 4 they wouldn't have looked after her at all when she was younger, probably would have if I had asked but they didn't have a great bond to begin with so I wouldn't have put them or my DD through it.

I had great expectations when I first had my DD 4 years ago and was greatly disappointed when my expectations weren't reality but I'm ok now. I think the reason behind my expectations were that I was so close to my grandparents growing up I wanted the same for my children but you definitely can't force these things. I'm grateful my Mum does what she can and my daughters love her. My eldest also loves my in laws, my youngest hasn't bonded yet as she is 1 and they aren't great with babies! My Dad doesn't seem to care about my girls at all which I found very upsetting to begin with but I feel I have moved on and kept him at arms length since which has helped.

We live about 15 minutes drive from DS. I used to go in the afternoon 3 or 4 times in the week, after the birth of DGD, to their house. Either DDIL and I took DGD in her pram to the park, or I looked after DGD while DDIL had a nap. One of us looked after DGD, while the other cooked dinner. We invited DS and family over for Sunday lunch every fortnight; we looked after DGD while they went for a nap.

I looked after DGD 2 days a week, when DDIL went back to work. DGD was breastfed, until just before the birth of DGS. After his birth, we had DGD one day a week, to give her some 1:1, because of the sibling rivalry. I try to go over one afternoon in the week, to see both DGC when I can.

DS asked us to look after the DGC (now 2 and 4) for the weekend soon, so we have been having DGD (4) for sleepovers in preparation. DGS was breastfed until recently and they are potty training him, so we haven’t had him for a sleepover. DGS is a lockdown baby and very clingy with his mum. It’s been harder to get close to DGS,
as much with all the lockdowns; and constant minor illnesses - DH is in a high risk group for Covid.

We have a very close relationship with DGD; she usually says she wants to stay forever, although we know that is not really true - she wants DDIL to come to our house, so she can see her!

My parents lived twenty miles away and had my children as often as they could. Weekends about twice a month, a week at a time in the school holidays and the kids loved going there, although my son went through a crying stage when we left them. Inlaws lived about two hundred miles away and had them once for two days while we stayed nearby and that was it.

I have granddaughter overnight regularly and have done all her life . She is 2and half …very tiring but I have a close relationship with her . We went blackberry picking today which was fun.
I genuinely think it is all about age,health,available time that makes a difference.

I'm a GM. I see my DGD (2.5yrs) once a week at least, and also do ad hoc child care when my DD and SonIL's shifts clash.

They live 45 minutes away.

DS is almost 2. My parents live 3 miles away. See him probably once a month or so for an hour ish. Have looked after him once in my house for 40 mins while I went to an appointment.
DHs parents are divorced. MIL lives a 5 min walk away. Probably sees DS 2/3 times a month for an hour. Has never had him alone and won’t for a very long time (she has no interest in safety guidelines or respecting our opinions when it comes to parenting). FIL lives out of the country. Has met DS twice.

I can’t imagine any of them ever having him overnight at least until he’s much older and asks for it himself!

I never relied on family help for childcare (as we lived in another area) but we always had options for babysitting for occasions. I always left dc with my dsis or dsil though as they had kid so were more familiar.

Now that I've moved closer to family my parents have the grandkids (not just mine) for sleepovers at least once every 2 months and do school pick ups for my siblings kids a few times per week. Where I am grandparent support is very common.

Nothing at all from either side. Wish we did but they're just not interested unfortunately.

In laws - absolutely nothing. Zilch. Nothing whatsoever.

DM - totally hopeless and selfish. So she’s interested in them as much as she is in anyone else, but that’s not a great deal.

DF - very interested……when it suits him. See him a few times a year.