Grandparents... how much/how little?

[FTMFML]

We do not know others with children so I suppose it makes it difficult to judge- and I do realise that everyone's version of "normal" is different. But how much are your LO's grandparents involved?

Do they stay during the day.. overnight.. how often.. why do they stay.. what age were they when started/are they?

Just trying to get a rough idea if my feelings of guilt are right.. or if I'm being unreasonable in my hopes and dreams!

I was raised by my grandparents (mum’s parents) during the summer months every year between the ages of 5-16 because my family worked.
I loved them so much. They taught me so many things about life that no one else ever could.
My dad’s mum didn’t like me — actually, I don’t think she liked anyone or even herself.
I feel so fortunate to have had my mum’s parents. I miss them every day.

My parents live 1.5 hrs away, I see them 2-3 times a month on average for the day. They never see DD without me and we won’t be likely to do overnights.
My parents are in their 70’s and whilst very fit and active (DDad has only retired this year), I don’t feel that it is appropriate for them, their reaction times and judgment is just a bit “off” for me to feel it is entirely safe and I’d worry myself silly.

In theory if they stay well then DD could spend time alone with them when they are in their 80’s (and she is old enough to need less supervision) but it probably won’t happen.

DD is 3 next month and we have have never had a night out/weekend away but it doesn’t appeal.

FIL is in his 80’s and very frail, he is LC with DH anyway but as he needs carers he’s not someone we could leave DD with. MIL lives abroad and I can’t stand her, although she is involved from afar with lots of messages and gifts etc. She has only seen DD once because of Covid (absolutely brilliant from my POV), it will probably be twice a year now though. She’s a complete narcissist so I’d never let DD be in a room on her own with her.

GM here and I think it very much depends on health, proximity, availability and attitude as to how much grandparents are involved. My younger daughter has two children now aged 6 and 4. We had the eldest overnight once a fortnight from very young as she was a poor sleeper for the first few months but that stopped once she was in a bedtime routine. The other GPS did the same. We did one day a week childcare until they started school and now two days a week in school holidays. It is nice for us and them and helps out our DD and SIL. Some of my friends didn't want to be tied down but we didn't mind. It is only one day and we are retired.

@Kite22 - not quite spot on as I do not expect them too, not once has that been stated. Absolutely agree that the majory of 70 year olds wont have those much younger- however some older folks astound me with their energy!
I have just found the whole thread quite interesting with different circumstances/ages as I had said we don't have many people/don't have any people to compare with and those who we have spoken to in passing have to be honest shocked me abit with the reliance on grandparents.

My mum and nan live literally a minute away if i drove. We see them all the time. They have the kids once a week each on cross over between me going to work and DH coming home. Kids love them. In laws are same distance away and they remember we exist about once a month to 2 months and occasionally call Dh When they want something or to tell us something about Dh's sibling who is the golden child and they see as often as possible and have their child overnight as much as they can despite them being 1.5hrs away. Theyve never been alone with my youngest and my oldest for about 3 years. Youngest was calling MIL by her 1st name for a while and shes only just stopped hiding from them. Neither kids ever mention them.

Gosh this is making me think twice about my childcare arrangement for 1 year old when I return to work.

mil and fil who are in their late 70s but very healthy and active are taking care of our daughter 3 days a week for 8 months. Mil used to work in a nursery with babies and was the one who advised we not put baby in childcare for another few months but having seen these replies I wonder if they’re taking on more than they should- I think yes and May have to ask them after the first week and offer alternative care sooner,

my mother lives an hour (on a good day) away but makes the effort to see our daughter every 2/3 weeks, whether that is us going to her or she comes to us. Sister helps too, we’ve been able to do two dinners out where she’s kept an eye on baby sleeping.

we are very fortunate - we genuinely were not expecting this level of support, nor expecting it, but have got lucky as both sets of parents do not have their other gc near them.

I have a few friends in their 70s who take care of, or have taken care of their dgc when parents go to a wedding or something.
Without exception, they love it, but are exhausted by it.
That is as a one off occasion.
These are people I would judge to be fit and active for their ages, who do volunteering and have hobbies and are out and about. Not what you would think of as 'elderly' at all.

Potentially your in-laws are the exception @Greenbks , but as a generalisation for most normal people in their 70s, that is a really big ask.

We haven’t started this childcare arrangement yet but I think we may have to re-think it as I am worried about them. fil definitely gets more tired but mil seems to have much more energy- which a lot of people in their family including fil comments on. Even so I am worried now!

Just had a look at your previous post and the in laws don’t have a social life- no friends or days out. They have a dog they take on walks every day and that’s it. They moved here from another county 15 or so years ago and are massive introverts.

I’ve always said our daughter is a calm easy baby- every one mentions this too- I’ve had the best time with her on maternity leave and she loves walks. I suspect they will go on their daily 2/3 hour walk and then a 2/3 hour daily nap with time for play and lunch. Not feeling too bad about it now but will still double check with them!

My parents looked after my sister's eldest children while my sister worked.
Would occasionally look after mine for a hour.

But we would see them on family days out regularly. When children were young my parents did family meals and my siblings and children and partners all went.

Just my mum left now and she is in very ill health. Hasnt happened for a number of years.

Mine are older teens now, but are very close to their maternal grandparents. They live about 15 min drive from us. When my DC were little, my parents looked after them twice a week. Once they started school, my parents would have them to sleep one night at the weekend, and they would also take them on holiday for a long weekend or a few days. We also all went away together as well. So, yes they helped out a lot. But as a result, they are now very close to my children. When my eldest started college, she would meet up with my mum for a coffee once a week, and still sleeps over their house 2/3 times a week. Now my dad has dementia, my children are very good with him. They're very close to my parents and my eldest is always popping in to see them, whilst my youngest FaceTimes them a lot.

In contrast, my ILs have only seen the DC with us. They don't really have an independent relationship with my children.

I understand that not all grandparents are able or willing to help out, but I do think time spent looking after the grandchildren when young can often be an investment, as a close relationship will often be rewarded when the children are older (although not always of course!). Even though my daughter is a teen, she already says when she has children, they can stay with me... and if we don't live close, I'll look after her children in the school holidays (only work term time), health permitting.

Zero involvement with ours.

We had generous grandparent cover owing to the fact both grandmothers had just retired as I fell pregnant. Grandfathers were still working so they had more time that the norm.

One moved closer in the three years before children, and settled in the next village.

The other had always lived a close 20 minute drive.

Both grandmothers offered to do my return to work childcare. I only worked for a year so it was for that 12 months.

They both took turns later collecting children from school and giving them tea. My children still reminisce and talk fondly of this. They all have good relationships with grandparents. I'm sure it's down to this.

We always took grandparents on holiday with us, one set at a time. All in all they were very hands on. I'm eternally grateful.

What I would look out for is reaction times and judgement. My parents have the energy but things like in a car park-they don’t keep close enough eye on DD and will turn around and do something in the boot and let go of her etc. Or they will take chances crossing the road.
It’s not deliberate but they are so out of practice and don’t make the allowances needed for a toddler.

@Rutland2022 definitely super interesting point regarding reaction times etc! Something that had crossed my mind a few weeks ago.

My DM is an absolute diamond.
She has DS everyday whilst we work, and sometimes I work away but because DH is a light sleeper and can't function w/out sleep and has to be up at the crack of dawn, then she will come and stay over for 1,2,3 or however many nights I need her to.

DMIL on the other hand, lives 13 miles away (25-30min drive)
We only see her really if we visit which tends to be 1 day over the w/end, rarely comes to us and only if arranged in advance. I very rarely hear from her asking about DS, it's normally me who will send the odd picture and she'll say he's beautiful but other than that, don't hear from her at all (although she does have 5 DC, 4 of which have DC who live near and she sees regularly)
DS is nowhere near as close to DMIL as he is my DM.
I love the relationship between DS and my DM it's beautiful ❤️

MIL takes DD 1 day a week after nursery, gives her dinner then drops her home at about 6.30pm. Also takes her for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday. Very happy and grateful for that.