Grandparents... how much/how little?

[FTMFML]

We do not know others with children so I suppose it makes it difficult to judge- and I do realise that everyone's version of "normal" is different. But how much are your LO's grandparents involved?

Do they stay during the day.. overnight.. how often.. why do they stay.. what age were they when started/are they?

Just trying to get a rough idea if my feelings of guilt are right.. or if I'm being unreasonable in my hopes and dreams!

DM lives three hours away. Comes to us about once every six weeks and we go to her about three times a year. She is very clear that she is happy to travel. We beg a favour about once a year if we have a childcare problem and I know she would drop everything if really needed. She has had each boy separately this summer for three nights each and all of them had a ball. When she comes to stay she usually shoos DH and me out to dinner and has done since the boys were tiny.

DPIL we do the vast majority of travelling (their lives revolve around their elderly dog). But they have bailed us out in a couple of emergencies (illness etc) and the boys adore them and they are fully engaged and generally wonderful. We probably visit every couple of months (an hour and a half in the car).

..and all of us, that so miss our wonderful grandparents...I'm glad we didn't have to share then, but they would have love you too. They were like that.

We did overnights with DD with my mum from about 10 weeks, normally once a month. From 9 months she has been doing 2 daya of childcare for us, and will have her on an ad hoc basis. She is very involved comes for dinner/we go to hers etc.

My DPs mum is way less involved through her own choice

the thing is, there is no "norm".
Everyone's circumstances are just so different.

Age and health of the Grandparents
Busy-ness of the Grandparents' lives
Whether the GPs a 'baby people'
Whether the parents are out at work or around all day or somewhere in between
Whether the parents have other stuff that fills up their lives
How far away family live / how easy or difficult it is to travel
Relationship between the parents, as a couple and the Grandparents before the child(ren) arrive(s)
Whether the parents are relaxed and happy for others to do normal things with their child or whether they are so paranoid as you see on so many threads on here
How welcoming they were to GPs in the first place

and so on, and so on.

My parents have offered and provided one day a week childcare for each of their grandchildren (7 in total from 3 families) starting around 1 year old up until they go to school. They also help with school pick ups for the older children regularly and do ad hoc childcare days to help out through the school holidays. They will also have them over to stay for a night or a weekend so we can have a child-free weekend on occasion. They are amazing and all the GC love them.

Again all super interesting there is a real mix! The majority of those we know rely heavily on grandparents childcare and have had DC going for overnights from a few months old. Also had quite an interesting discussion with my parents tonight regarding new social norms as in their "days" most mums were stay at home, and "you made you bed so lie in it" no favours... no childcare etc.

My MIL is fantastic with DD and has done loads of overnights over the last 4 years. She also had her some days regularly when I was at work and is happy to do 2 school pick ups.
My parents tried their best when DD was young but it's clear they aren't interested. Maybe 3 overnights in total but long before COVID. They asked to give up their regular day when I was at work and now 3 hours once a week (or less) is more than enough for them. She is their only grandchild.

It might sound like I get a lot but most people I know get a lot more. Full weeks in school holidays and full weekends! It was only when I came on Mumsnet that I released this was uncommon.

First grandchild for both sets of grandparents. LO never took to in laws until about 8 months old. My parents, unfortunately due to covid and travel ban in their country couldn't come to the UK until baby was 5 months old. Now at 13 months, LO has a great bond with my parents and they stay with us when they do visit which is twice a year for about a month/two each time. LO is doing much better with my in laws and they spend time with baby once a week for maybe 30 minutes to an hour max. Won't allow LO to stay overnight with in laws due to lack of trust and boundaries. Currently all visits with in laws are supervised either by me or DH

My grandparents were "I raised mine, now you raise yours" until we were mostly independent (which back then was probably 7 or 8), then I spent pretty much every summer spending weeks living with my paternal grandparents until I was teen and my maternal grandparents were never childcare - in fact, I was doing care work for my grandmother from an early age, one of my early memories is helping her tidying up her closet - but when we lived near them, my siblings and I could go round to see them whenever we wanted, my mother and grandmother did their big weekly shops together and we'd do with, and when I was a teenager, I lived with my maternal grandparents for several months.

My parents aren't involved at all - I immigrated before I had kids and my kids have never met them.

My in-laws were a bit more complicated - when my kids were little, we went on holiday together a few times, we visited regularly and they visited too, they were interested and involved as possible while living hundreds of miles apart and not in the best of health.

But then step-BIL had kids. MIL still called weekly and was interested, but she was no longer able to drive at that point, and step-FIL would both leave when we visited and when he visited his kids at other times, he'd either not stop here (we lived between the two) or just stop for a meal with MIL and try to get away asap. My kids didn't seem to notice and my in-laws did have my oldest for a couple weeks one summer with step-FIL mostly involved - sadly, my other kids never got that chance - but it really hurt my husband to see that change, even more once they died as that took the chance we'd ever work that out.

I'm interested in how old your Mum is, to gauge when "your days" was, as it is a long, long time since "most Mums" were SAHPs.

Parents are in their 70's and their parents would be 100+ so definitely a long time ago. My grandparents lived far away and others were deceased so she was able to flexibly work as was my dad.
@Greenginghamdress yes mumsnet is a real eye opener for me, as those I've spoke with or know of do get significant help so it was definitely clouding my judgement.

The majority of my friends have a lot of help from grandparents and family.
My parents will have over night once-twice a year and will watch for a couple of hours once every few months.
My in laws do not babysit.
Our siblings do not babysit.
Our friends do not babysit.

I do feel envious when I see the amount of support my friends get.

We live 5 minutes from granddaughter whose 18 months. We look after her one day a week and usually see them maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so. We’ve never had her over night as she’s has never slept through the night.
Im 56, I’m fit and healthy- swim 3 times a week, but running around after a toddler exhausts me! If I was in my 70s there’s no way I could have her for long on my own!

I provide childcare for dgs who is three so I have him two or three days a week and then I see him with his mum (my dd) on Saturday mornings. In September he's going to pre school five days a week so I will see him on Saturdays only during term time. For me once a week is ideal tbh. I don't intend to have him sleep over, I imagine if dd wanted him to have a sleepover she would ask ds to have him. I wouldn't describe me as a doting Granny tbh but I love dd and will help her all I can.

My children only have 1 grandparent - FIL who is mid 60s, lives in the next street, super active. He is not confident in looking after little ones on his own so he has never babysat either of my 2 by himself (2.5 years and 4 months old) but he comes round to see the toddler through the window when he's out walking the dog, before she goes to nursery (can't come in with the dog as we have house cats) but they have their morning chats through the open window and DH often takes both girls round to his for the toddler to play in the garden and he loves to see them.

It makes me sad that my dm and mil aren't here as I know they would've adored the girls. Mil looked after dd a handful of times in her first 3 months before lockdown and then died last July following an illness that began in December 2020 so they missed out on a lot of time together and my dm died 5 years ago.

But it is what it is and I wouldn't change their relationship, or expect him to do more, for the world

Same!

My parents are involved loads as they live nearby. Overnights, holidays, dais out, after school.

My MUL lives a distance away so comes god a long weekend or week about 4/5 times a year.

Parents are in their 70's

Yet you expect significant help from them? How old are the parents of those you know who have significant help? I'm in my mid 60s, I sure my DGC and love having her. But I can't tell you how tiring it is.

My friends who are a couple of years older than me have their GCs two days a week. They are absolutely worn out and exhausted, but they have to pretend otherwise, because if they didn't agree to do this they'd hardly ever see their DGCs, at the parents never bring them to visit in the normal way. I'm sure they're not alone in feeling that they have to provide childcare.

Ours see grandparents probably once a month. Rare occasion they will have a day out with them on their own.

They've slept over twice in 5 years. Babysat one evening whilst they were already in bed and we stayed local for an anniversary meal.

But, majority of our friends have weekly arrangements (set days etc) or dc spend a few weekends a month with grandparents.

I have one Gd, my daughter lives less than 5 mins walk from me. I am very fortunate to be retired and am available whenever I am needed/wanted/not a nuisance. There is nothing more important to me than family and whoever needs help,parents (in 90’s ) children or grandchildren they come before anything else .

Both sets of GPs live about 1.5 hours away so no day to day help. They each tend to come for a whole weekend at a time, about every 6-8 weeks. Once or twice we've got one set down on the week to help with ill DC being off nursery etc. PILs are late 70s and they struggle to keep up with our DC (4 and 2) for long periods of time. Mine are younger and cope better

My GPs were a similar distance away growing up so it feels very normal for me. I work in a field where people move to where the jobs are, so it's pretty normal for my friends and colleagues not to have GPs locally for childcare. Relying totally on paid childcare is soooo expensive though and we're not high earners

When I had dd my parents were in their 50's but dm had back problems so never really helped but pils did loads - had them most weeks overnight plus during day for work etc. 15 years later I had dd, my parents were struggling with health so didn't helo . Pils have him maybe once every couple month we use childcare for work

@saraclara - haven't once said I expect significant help, as I've said all along on this thread I am trying to gauge what the supposed "norm" is and how drastically it can change through different circumstance.
I've no idea of others parents age- we do not have close friends or family these are only people we speak to in passing I suppose.
Again interesting to see everyone different circumstances and how much help or not they receive! Definitely an eye opener!

Saraclara is spot on.

Surely you can see that Grandparents in their 70s are going to have far less energy than people who became Grandparents in their 30s or early 40s ?

Both sets live about 45mins away in various directions. My parents we tend to see maybe once a month, I FaceTime every now and then, they'll pop in if they are nearby, fairly breezy, and they'll watch DD for a few hours if we want to do something just the two of us at the weekend.
DHs parents constantly want to come over, desperate to have her overnight- are all most too assertive about it (she's 18m and quite clingy atm, just no!). They regularly send pissy texts to DH when they can't have their way, we see them maybe 1-2 a month, mostly biting our tongues as god forbid you make a slight comment and WW3 starts. Very tiring!