What etiquette for staying over at grandparents?

[Mommyshere]

My children mainly stay over at my parents on a 'need' basis. They've been invited once/twice I think.

However after they've bought the children home, and we say Thankyou, bye. My mum will then say "we've looked after your children all night and all you say is Thankyou"

What does everyone else do? I kind of think if people agree to do things don't throw it back in their faces. Tbh we don't have the money to give them back the £9 macdonalds+£3 p&p car park charge for the nature reserve they took them to. I embarrassingly have £4 in the bank to pick up fruit, bread and some crisps if I can tomorrow. Until Wednesday when my tax credits go into the bank. We are not well off at all. I'm mentioning money as I don't know what else I can say than Thankyou? I can't afford gifts at the moment nor the money as above?

The last time she had them was May - because it was our wedding anniversary. This weekend we had a function. Is that too much for grandparents?

I don't know what I'm trying to say, I suppose really what's the deal with over nighters? What else can I do or supposed to do?

Thanks

Your parents are weird as fuck.

And that’s coming from me, someone who’s children don’t have Grandparents because I’m NC with my alcoholic mother and my Dad (divorced) is a selfish cunt who just isn’t interested in anyone other than himself.

Um, well, we've had a couple of overnights at our house and one overnight at theirs. Our oldest is 16.
We just don't really have overnight stays.

That’s really sad. I don’t think there is etiquette as such. You’d hope they would enjoy spending time with their GC, unless it’s too much for them?

I think maybe they are too much. They are good children though honestly and I'm not just saying that. I have high expectations of their manners and how they behave. They are happy and easily pleased

Next time do I send money? I would pay for a baby sitter I suppose. It is true you pay people to look after your children?

Actually tell a lie they have babysat twice when we went to the cinema

What’s the context, how is your relationship with your parents generally? I’d ask them what they are looking for is a thank you isn’t enough.

Your parents sound very strange. Ours (both mine and DH’s) normally return them having been thoroughly spoiled with the addition of treats to being home.
We definitely just say thank you and ask if they are staying for a cup of tea and a blether. If we collect them we are offered tea or sometimes dinner.

If your parents grudge two happy meals they shouldn’t buy them 😞

When they dropped off was it literally 'thank you bye' as you said in your op or did you invite them in for a cup of tea and a chat and a catch up about what they'd all been up to and during that say things like 'how lovely, thanks so much for treating the kids, we really appreciate it'?

If the former, I think you do need to be a bit more warm and appreciative. If the latter - no idea what their problem is?!

My mum use to expect payment

None of my DC’s grandparents would dream of taking money for having them to stay. They’d all treat them, in fact, and enjoy doing it.

I’m sorry your mum is weird about it.

Ask her what she’s expecting?

I do take flowers, wine, or small gifts if they’ve done us a specific favour (long weekend, say) but I’d take flowers or cakes round sometimes just as and when, that’s the relationship we have. It feels easy.

Yeah as pp said, your parents are weird. But then DH has a colleague who's parents charge him and his wife for looking after their children 🤷‍♀️

DS stays at PiL most Fridays (they have him for the day and then tells them and us he's staying, so he does) he's not with them this week, and today MiL asked me if I was dropping him off when we get back from our outing so he can stay over night 🤣

Stays at my parents less often but still on a "I stay with grandma and grandad" basis.

We don't do anything more than say thank you, although we do spend the next afternoon with them when he stays and buy a takeout for us all for dinner. They all have the capacity to say no to him, but they all enjoy having him, so dont.

I just stayed at my parents house with DD for 5 nights. We just said thank you. I felt bad though and ended up panic buying some groceries when I was out for them, but they didn't even need them (they already had loads of eggs, milk, etc...), And then they insisted on giving me the money back for it, and I had to refuse to accept....

Your parents seem odd to me.

Maybe if you're literally only saying "Thank you, bye", they are feeling a bit taken for granted. Could you tell them how much you appreciate it, it meant a lot to be able to spend your anniversary together, you know how much the children live spending time with them? Obviously not all at once as it would be fake and gushing ! Or if it's just every few months, the children could draw a thankyou card each time? You're definitely not being unreasonable though, or about money, but it might be worth a bit of soft soap?

It's a bit sad really- my DS stayed at my widowed mums maybe 6/7 times a year from being around 3 to 18. To be fair when he was 18 it was so he could keep an eye on her.
They always had a blast- she pampered the life out of him- made him a lovely meal - they usually watched a movie together. She only lives a 10 min walk away from us as well. It was generally so DH and I could go out for an anniversary or a gig/other night out and sometimes stay in an hotel for the night.

They have a very close relationship as a result and now she is getting on and needs support from us she gets in in spades- what goes around comes around.
I think your parents are being very harsh/weird- if they don't want to look after the kids fair enough but don't do it begrudgingly then give you grief for it!

Relationship can be strained, but I do try and be as thoughtful as I can. I like to think I do my best for them. My dad there is nothing, that relationship was abusive when I was younger.

They wouldn't ever stay, they say our sofa isn't big enough. To which I said well why would we buy a bigger sofa when you don't live here. We love the sofa we've got. They would sit on a dining room chair and have a tea to watch the kids open presents on their birthday or something but nothing else

I thought £9 was for 3 happy meals, oh god! 🙈

The Thankyou, bye is because they don't stay for long it's like a drop and go situation

after they've bought the children home, and we say Thankyou, bye

But you’re not just seeing them on the doorstep & literally saying “thank you - bye!”are you? This is after a cuppa, debrief and a chat?

We’d also usually collect rather than expect them dropping home.

@Pumpkintopf may have hit the nail on the head. They might not be expecting payment, just to be included more in your lives rather than just used as occasional babysitters.

They’ll never come in for a cup of tea? Because your sofa is small?

Do you visit their house?

Well they don't really come in, like I say they moan about the sofa not being big enough. Kind of tell me she's washed clothes in one bag and not in another and then go?

What's the going rate for a grandparent overnight babysitter??!!

Hang on, back up.

My dad there is nothing, that relationship was abusive when I was younger.

Perhaps your DC shouldn’t stay at all?

Perhaps they'd like to be invited for a cup of tea and a visit?

Yeah we visit their house my sister and I own a small business that's based there - she still lives at home.

They asked today if I had bought packed lunches for them tbh it didn't cross my mind so they had to have sandwiches etc there

That's a complicated one. He's been told by me what I think and I've told my mum and sister as well. My children do love it there though. My DD2 loves him my DD1 can't stand him 😂😂😂 - I find that quite funny inside

Whatever type of abuse it was, do you not worry that it might happen to your daughters?