What etiquette for staying over at grandparents?

[Mommyshere]

My children mainly stay over at my parents on a 'need' basis. They've been invited once/twice I think.

However after they've bought the children home, and we say Thankyou, bye. My mum will then say "we've looked after your children all night and all you say is Thankyou"

What does everyone else do? I kind of think if people agree to do things don't throw it back in their faces. Tbh we don't have the money to give them back the £9 macdonalds+£3 p&p car park charge for the nature reserve they took them to. I embarrassingly have £4 in the bank to pick up fruit, bread and some crisps if I can tomorrow. Until Wednesday when my tax credits go into the bank. We are not well off at all. I'm mentioning money as I don't know what else I can say than Thankyou? I can't afford gifts at the moment nor the money as above?

The last time she had them was May - because it was our wedding anniversary. This weekend we had a function. Is that too much for grandparents?

I don't know what I'm trying to say, I suppose really what's the deal with over nighters? What else can I do or supposed to do?

Thanks

Normally a meal as a thank you either on pick up or drop off which ever works best.

I take it your dad was physically abusive as in overdoing the punishment hence you not having a concern about the children as long as he doesn't have sole control

Whoa I was preparing to give one response but as I read further through the thread including your name changed posts is very clear there is a big issue.
Firstly abuse is often made out to be the fault of the person being abused. It seems you have internalised that.
Abuse is never the fault of the abused person, especially when they were a child! Doesn't matter what special needs they have, it's all on the abuser.
Its a real shame your finances are in a state but you really need some therapy to deal with these wounds to your self. Then you can protect yourself and your children.
I hope some other posters will be along with some budget friendly options for counselling to help you there.
Take care.

I am the original poster but forgot my password 🙈

So Thankyou to everyone for your responses. You have all been so helpful. My takeaway is this...

It does seem that if they do look after DC they want us to be eternally grateful. We try to make them feel like that. Again it's a need basis.

My auntie - mums sister who can't get enough of her grandchildren. I know everyone is different but my mum paints herself as grandma of the year! DS is my first child and the only boy in the family from my uncle who is 56. He gets a lot of attention for this whereas all the girls in the family - including my twin daughters no one really gives a shit about. I think it's pathetic but it seems to matter to everyone else. I sometimes wonder how my cousin shows her gratitude, she was flabbergasted when DS stayed over and I took his box of formula. She couldn't believe my mum didn't buy her own!!!

My sister lives with my parents still and I cannot fault her one bit. The kids love her 10000% time with her, swimming etc. However because she can get updates about the children from my sister she doesn't bother with me. We went to legoland and on the way back rang my sister who was in the same car to ask her if the children had a good time! Maybe I'm being over sensitive but I just thought that was rude!?

Anyway rant over 😬

Oh OP your parents are dysfunctional and nothing about your dad's poor parenting during your teens was about you, that's that's on him - he's the adult.

I would echo a PP's advice to try to get some therapy in whatever way is affordable (even just via posting on MN or through reading around dysfunctional families) as I do think your children are being exposed to elements of this and it would be better for them if you were fully cognisant of that and able to help mitigate how it affects them (things like the greater interest in your son vs your daughters).

Yip. Weird. And mean.

It sounds like they were annoyed you didn't send the kids with food. They don't sound like nice people, and still aren't nice to you.

My mum isn't bothered. She rings on a need basis.

I pretty much speak to my sister everyday, although if I upset my mum she will wash her hands of me - apart from our joint business but that's it we talk business

My dad, well in his defence I was a teenager. It wasn't like I was a young child around 6. We moved into that house when I was 11 so it was deffo after that. I was old enough to know better but really just did what I wanted. Smoked, got boyfriends and had sex etc. I did get a job at 16 though in a soft play area in a pub. I've never been without a job. I was just kind of fed and used my money for everything else. That was normal to me

One time my parents were told off by the police actually I've just remembered. I worked a 5-9pm shift and usually my dad picked me up. I waited outside for him and my phone died - this was 16 years ago 🙈 and I didn't realise the time or anything and the police drove past and asked what I was doing sitting on the kerb and I explained and they said do you know what time it is and I said no and they said 3am. They took me home and my dad said he didn't realise I was at work. A lie as where else would I be!!! I had school on the bloody Monday. Genuinely forgot all about that until now!

Your parents sound awful. Your father is an abuser and your mother didn't do anything about it. No way would either of them see my children. It was definitely not your fault either, you didn't deserve what he put you through.

It's quite disturbing that your eldest hates him and your youngest loves him, given the dynamic of your own childhood and your sisters. It seems like he's enforcing the golden child/scapegoat dynamic he did when you were younger. This could affect your siblings relationship with each other and I'm sure you don't want that.

Also when I read your first post my first reaction was, what more does your mother want?! A thank you suffices. My dad and stepmum love babysitting my child (they don't do it often, I wouldn't like to take the piss). The first few times I'd bring a box of chocolates or cakes to give them. They accepted graciously but made it very clear they don't need gifts for watching their grandchild and not to spend money on them.

I suppose my mum made it a two way thing but it was just what happened then. I do remember my sister asking him to stop though

My mum is the one who says it more than my dad like 'we've looked after your children...' I hope I don't take the piss. They've looked after them maybe 2 times this year, once for our wedding anniversary just because we went to see Jeff Dunham and this time because of the wedding. Perhaps for a couple of hours in the day if we've wanted to see a film but generally we don't do anything without the kids. She picked him up from school once as I was on a trip with my daughters and bought him home at 3:30 when school finished at 3 😂😂😂 she sat and waited in the car. But at least she picked him up I have to be grateful for that, my friend couldn't as on that day she had a scan

But yeah apart from that we don't go out or anything. Is a babysitter a good idea? I'm not sure I trust anyone else. Despite being a childminder myself 😂😂😂