Want to go home, day 3 of 2 week holiday.

[Stressedonholiday]

i am on holiday with my two kids 8 and 6 and my husband. My 8 year old is driving me insane. He is grumpy and rude. He is hurting his brother. He can’t stand still in queues, he won’t stay with us anywhere we go (shops, streets, museums, parks). He is 8!!! And we were waiting in a queue for 20 mins and I looked down and he is LYING on the road. Luckily it was pedestrianised. I look around and all around me there are children patiently waiting at cash tills for their parents, or sitting at tables for lunches or managing ti walk past a tree without trying to free run up it… but mine? Pinching his brother, badgering me to buy something I’ve said no too a million times, screeching, storming off, lying down, jumping off walls into people because he doesn’t look…

He is enjoying most of the holiday he says (and I can see that he is) but the instant he isn’t being directly entertained he turns into a really difficult child. We don’t usually do screens but on the way here (an 8 hour drive over 2 days split into 2h am and 2h pm) they had tablets with a few episodes of a series they like and an audiobook. Nothing crazy. They have had a few late nights admittedly but this behaviour is just so out of character….
i asked him to read 2 pages of Diary of a Wimpy Kid today. It took him 45 mins with all the arguing and refusals. Yesterday he read 2 pages in about 5 mins. He has to catch up on his reading for school and anyone would think I had asked him to do alevel practice papers.

i am so exhausted with being ‘on’ him all the time. And he is bored (understandably) of being in trouble all the time.

I can’t bear the idea of having to go through this for another 10 days…. Any ideas of how to nip this in the bud or should I give up and go home and try again next year?

Hard word tonight. Repeat at breakfast. 1 warning then back to the hotel, parents take turns. In the hotel no tv, no pool. Reading and drawing only abs he writes a thank you to his parents for being taken on holiday. Rinse repeat. I bet he sorts himself out.

My 7 year old is very similar. It's at least partly just his bouncy, active nature. He likes to test out his gross motor skills by climbing trees and jumping off walls and he isn't a quiet book-reading sort of kid. Of course there is a time and a place for everything and I too expect a bit of reading on holiday (not every day, again time and place appropriate) but I would cut your DS some slack. He's excited, he's having new experiences every day and he's processing it all in his own way. The only things I would try to correct are dangerous behaviours and those that impact negatively on others. Otherwise I'd let him crack on with experiencing the world in his own way.

OP to be honest if you've already done all that and only on day 3 after 2 days of travel it sounds a bit too much...maybe slow the pace down and let everyone chill...it's a holiday 😊

Agree with the other comments tbh. I'd definitely give him a break from reading. Tbh you've said tomorrow will be a chill day but you're still doing a surf lesson. That to me is not a chill day so maybe factor in another straight after when you don't have a pre booked activity.

I'd also ease off the mandatory reading. Even if he's behind he still deserves a break. Breaks are really important for improving productivity.

Also one thing I find is, if I'm sick of the sound of my own covid nagging it's me that needs to break the cycle. Find things to praise. Speak neutrally, describe don't assign blame and direct comments at 'you.' It's hard but if you're at the point you're doing your own head in, it's unlikely that your words are really going in anyway.

Hope things improve after a bit of RnR and you get some chill time. Also can you and OH take half a day off each to just chill and reset? Make sure you get a bit of me time in those two weeks.

That’s a lot. Your chilled day is moderately active for us. My kiddo will often latch onto something lowish stress and want to do it again and again, like climbing a stretch of rocks or visiting one great pool. She finds restaurants tough, so will ask to eat at the same one night after night because so much novelty is hard for kids, on top of literally nothing else being familiar or (for them) controllable and a long journey.

You’ve also done more in your first few
days than we would do in a first week, which would be mostly exploring, couple of days hanging around our hotel/campsite, two or three activity days, but broken up with days doing nothing and days doing nothing much (like the beach, where there’s nothing to absorb).

And stop making the poor kid read. He’s had all summer to play catch up, he can take a break for a few days while you’re away. He doesn’t need reminding of his failings and any (more) improving activities on his holiday.

I sympathise. This was us on holiday in San Francisco 10 years ago. My middle DS was so difficult. I wanted to change flights and go back home.

Slow the pace down, and ditch the reading a week or two won't make a huge difference

Your holiday sounds fucking exhausting, you've listed nearly a weeks worth of activities already!

Does he do a thing similar at home?
I agree with the suggestions of a down day - just chilling in the pool. He obviously finds the change of routine, demands of a holiday a bit too much. He might pick up on tension you and his dad have because of his behaviour and then act out further.
Re: the reading, try to imagine being forced to do something you struggle with and hate and asked to do it on holiday. It’s not going to happen. The best you can do is get a tiny amount done when he’s feeling least under pressure e.g. sitting on you lap having a cuddle for 5 minutes. Maybe you read him a page and ask him some questions then get him to read a paragraph then leave it for the day.

Your expectations are unrealistic.

Your schedule is frenetic.

Even your quiet day sounds busy for us.

My DC have struggled with shifting timetables, mealtimes, activities and seeing different people this holiday - not even when away but at home.

You need to take the pressure off, for all of you. Play cards, you read to him while having a lazy snuggle, have a family nap etc.

You say he's 8 like that confers some amazing level of maturity. 8 is tiny and he has emotional and physical needs that aren't being met, so he's acting out.

He needs better rest, predictable timetables, low key activities and reduced pressure. Sounds like you all do.

dont let him muck about around moving cars its really dangerous dont be one of those wet mothers who wont tell their kids off

hes going to get hurt if he doesnt start listening

I would let the reading go while you are on holiday. Play hangman/other word games -try to make it fun.

I think holidays can bring out such excitement/stress/overwhelming feelings. Your idea of a simple beach day sounds lovely.

This ^

8hr drive
accrobranching
walk on the battlements
horse riding
knights tournament reenactment science museum
(Plus forced reading)

In 3 days?!!

Bloody hell, I'd be lying in the road too 

I think this sounds really difficult and I’m sorry you’re going through it. When I was teaching, sometimes changing the language I used helped.

This formula tended to work like magic: “[Name], I want you to [specific action], is that ok?” Getting the agreement with ‘is that ok?’ makes it very difficult for the child not to follow the instruction. Your instruction has to include something you want them to do, rather than just a ‘stop that’, as just asking them to stop something doesn’t give them an opportunity to take positive action. So, it could be something like, “Amy, I want you to put your phone in your bag and give me your full attention, is that ok?” Be really, really specific - “put your phone down” or “put your phone away” isn’t specific enough, I would say exactly where to put it and exactly what I wanted them to do next. So in your circumstance it could be, “[Your son’s name], I want you to stop pinching your brother and come and stand next to me, is that ok?”

I found that 90% of the time, this phrase nipped any bad behaviour in the bud. But sometimes a child will try and deflect by e.g. pointing out that others are misbehaving, saying ‘I don’t want to!’ Or something similar. Don’t get drawn in, just agree with them & be a stuck record. “Maybe your brother is pinching you too, and I’ll deal with that in a moment. But now, [repeat what you said before verbatim], I want you to stop pinching your brother and stand next to me, is that ok?”

If the child now does what you want, praise them and move on, talk about something else.

If behaviour that you don’t want continues, next phrase: “[Name], if you choose to continue [pinching your brother/ lying down, or whatever], I will have to [a consequence that you definitely can and are willing to enforce, ideally immediately]. Do you understand?” You say ‘if you choose to’ to remind the child that their behaviour is their responsibility.

If they do continue with the actions you don’t want, then: [Name], you haven’t [stopped pinching your brother or whatever it is], therefore you have given me no choice but to [consequence that you said].”
Then the HARDEST BIT - you MUST, 100%, follow through with the consequence.

Follow these phrases exactly, word for word, and hopefully you will be amazed at their power!

I really hope this helps you OP. It isn’t easy to keep repeating like a stuck record and it takes some time to get used to these specific phrases. All I can say is they have worked wonders for me! All based on Bill Rogers’ work who wrote a lot about behaviour management. Good luck - you are doing your best and it’s so hard at times!

I'm sorry but if my DC is misbehaving I'm not going to say "is that ok?" at the end of telling them what to do

Over excited, over stimulated and over tired equals nightmare.

I saw your last post about having a beach day. Thats a good plan. Also make sure there's no candy or fizzy drinks, then an early-ish night. Calm and peaceful. That should reset everyone. Make every third day a chill do nothing day and you will have a lovely family holiday 🙂

Hmm.. shops, streets, museums, waiting in queues? Doesn’t sound like a very child friendly holiday. There’s a reason why centre parcs and places like that are so popular. Kids enjoy physical activities, water, water slides etc. My kids like a museum and I know you have to get a child/ adult balance but long journeys cooped up, plodding about town, too much of being a culture vulture, queuing etc would result in my kids going mental.

I can't get over the fact that you took two full days to drive just 8 hours.

20 years of teaching - I can confirm this absolutely works! Bill Rogers knew his stuff.

I would be lying on the floor after that itinerary

I’d dial everything down. Let him pick what to do on ‘his’ given day, and his sister the same. If they choose watching telly, let them do that. Rotate whose day or is to choose, including parents. It’s everyone’s holiday; they are away from home and tired/over-stimulated. Also, divide and conquer: one parent with one child, for a couple of hours.

OP he is obviously feeling overwhelmed. Please try and connect with him. Behaviour is communication!

Your holiday sounds quite full-on so far so some of this is probably tiredness. Rather than continue the battle, I think you need to restore positivity and have a fresh start. Hopefully everyone will wake up today refreshed and less fed up, so I'd set expectations in the morning for the day - "This is what we're doing today. Can we please have a nice day with no moaning, silliness or running around? If we're all feeling happy and working together this afternoon, we will go and get ice cream (or other nice thing)." It sounds cheesy, but children of that age do respond better to the whole "Let's go, team!" approach (even if done through gritted teeth) - continually being told off loses its effect after a while.

Agree with @Aquamarine1029

I always did 8-9 hours straight in one day in the US. Better to get that over with in one day than prolonging the agony.

Has DS got used to you and DH working around his need for entertainment? Is this why you split up the journey?

For now, I would try the rewording of your instructions as suggested upthread. I also think you and DH need to take one kid each and watch them like hawks. There is no way either one should have got in the way of a car in the street. You and DH need to keep a very close eye. Keep the boys apart if one is hurting the other.

A good pep talk each morning where you spell out what's going to happen (schedule), what behaviour you expect ( respectful, patient, hands to yourself, stand by mum or dad's side im a queue), and what behaviour you won't put up with (whining for toys/candy, jumping around, lying in the street, hirting brother, etc) and what the immediate consequence will be. If reading each day is a non negotiable for you, then you and DS can agree a time when he can do this. Offer a choice between doing it in the morning before you go out or in the evening after dinner.

When you get home, start spelling out firm expectations and following through or you'll have a big problem on your hands in three years. You have enough time to turn this around but you need to get your act together. Sit down with DH and talk about your joint approach. Follow through. I suggest giving him chores, teaching him how to do them, and supervising. I would advise that you severely limit access to screens and to monitor content.

I think you should get to the bottom of the reading problem and also the inability to self regulate. He should be doing better at both.

Sorry, not helpful but I also live in France and from your activities, think I can figure out exactly where you are!

For what it's worth, when mine were younger, I did alternate activity days/slouch days - but I came down hard on behavior that jeopardized everyone else's fun.