Grandparent issues help!!!

[Uggghh]

I’ve never let DP’s mother babysit our son. He’s 8mo next week.

yes this may seem bad but overall she’s quite ditsy and I truly feel she’d not keep an eye on him and her house is covered in baby hazards if she took her eye off him for a second he’d get a concussion off the marble table

I also have views I’d like respected. No TV, I don’t care if other grandkids love it I don’t want my baby under 1 watching it yet

no chocolate - he doesn’t need it and we’ve been weaning for a month and a half I don’t want him eating chocolate when he’s still got so much to try

Use proper words - aka don’t say BOC BOC for bottle of milk (don’t know if this is only my area but it’s common here and it makes me shrivel up no offence to anyone who uses that term lol)

DP however- doesn’t seem to have any views. Goes along with me and then says he ‘doesn’t give a fuck’ if our son watched TV. “Let my mum have him and do what she wants” so this is where we’re at stalemate

I specifically said he doesn’t watch tv when we went last week and she ignored me and put peppa pig on. DP looked at me because he knew and didn’t even say anything I was raging.

its now coming to the point where we constantly argue because he won’t let go how his mother hasn’t babysat and I can’t let go that she won’t respect my wishes as a parent? I said we need to compromise he just says it’s always on my terms

but in all honestly I’m the one raising our son 75% of the time while he works? So yes I have stronger views. Am I really so wrong here?!!

DP however- doesn’t seem to have any views. Goes along with me and then says he ‘doesn’t give a fuck’ if our son watched TV. “Let my mum have him and do what she wants” so this is where we’re at stalemate

So is DS DHs DS?

I said we need to compromise he just says it’s always on my terms

You know a compromise means you giving a little as well?

Yes my boyfriend is the father of DS sorry I didn’t really clarify!

yes but I’ve said I’m not saying no TV forever just not before he’s 1, he’s saying he can sit and watch peppa pig for hours at his mums basically!! How do we compromise there?

im quite annoyed as I politely told her no and she ignored me

Honestly I think you need to relax. I agree some of your principles are laudable but honestly a child under 1 isn't going to have his intellect stunted by half an hour of peppa pig at his GM's.

My mil watched dd for less than an hour one evening to allow us to drop bil off at a friends house, we got back and dd was covered in snot and tears and mil was saying thank goodness you are back I can’t stop her crying. She didn’t fill me with confidence hence why she hasn’t ever watched the children again on her own unless they were in bed to allow us to go for dinner.

she also feeds them crap and let’s them watch tv all day long, my mum doesn’t do this, she feeds them nutritious food with occasional treats, tv is kept to a minimal and they get plenty of fresh air. I feel confident leaving my children with my mum.

dh and I used to argue about it but as I was the one doing the main amount of care- and I’m pretty stubborn too- he let it go.

I think you need to pick your battles. If his gran was doing full time childcare for you and was putting him in front of the tv all day, you'd be reasonable to object. But if she's watching him for a couple of hours, then no harm is going to come from watching Peppa Pig.
In your shoes I'd take a stand with the chocolate - babies don't need it and the longer you can keep them away from crappy junk food and teach their palate to enjoy real, non sweet food, the better.
You are also fair to worry about potential dangers in the home and to base whether she babysits on how closely she monitors him - perhaps that's something that she could do in your house if you have childproofed it already.

In short, bend on the small stuff, but not on the big.

If you and he split up, she'll have a lot more of him than the odd hour here or there. I suggest you figure out some kind of compromise - I'd be pissed off about the chocolate, but I'd rather he be talked to irrespective of the baby talk.

Is there any reason why you and DP need her to babysit?

If you don't need it, then I just wouldn't do it - or if you do need the help and you're worried about her house, could she babysit at yours while you're out?

I honestly would let the TV thing go, for the amount of time it sounds like she'd be having your baby I really don't think it would be detrimental.

But also, if you do tell her no and she undermines you, then you are not wrong to refuse to leave your child in her care. Because ultimately he is your child and you get to determine how he is parented. I think you and dp must present a united front. It's more of a problem if he lets him mum undermine your parenting.

It's his child as well so he should have equal input and you need to reach some sort of agreement. His father might also like his views respected.

Years ago my exDIL fell out with us because we let GS watch a programme (kids cartoon nothing inappropriate) she didn't like. She hadn't told us it was banned so not sure how we were supposed to know. GS laughs about it and thinks it was ridiculous. He doesn't have any contact with her now, not because of the programme but the many controlling things she has done over the years. He is very close to his father who she didn't want having any input on his child's life. I think she finds it very difficult.

So it is her child and she gets to decide. Do father's play no role in this?

So you think it's better for your baby to hear you and your DP quarrel than for DC to watch a bit of Peppa Pig - seriously.

I can only assume your partners mother raised him herself and he’s turned out alright or he wouldn’t be your partner.
she clearly is capable of not killing a child as she’s raised her own successfully.
children Are going to have accidents, bumps the head and various other injuries whilst in anybodys care it’s what happens with children. My own DD fell down the stairs when she was just over 1, the stair gate wasn’t shut and I thought it was, she tried to walk down the stairs and fell from about half way. All in the time it took me to have a wee. My point being that nobody can watch their kids all the time and accidents will happen whoever is looking after them.

also a bit of peppa pig won’t do any harm, yesterday me and dd watched tv all day, today we haven’t had it in at all.
pick your battles

@ancientgran , do dads have a say? Of course they do. Their should be agreement between the parents on the broad approach to parenting. But where the labour has been divided so that one parent is doing the majority of the childcare, that one parent is going to make more of the everyday decisions. And where that one parent feels strongly about a particular thing and has made a decision that the other parent hasn't disagreed with or objected to in any way, it's wrong to not back up their partner and to allow a third party to disregard what has been decided. If there's disagreement between both parents, it's best this is discussed privately and consensus reached. A decent partner doesn't allow someone else to just override what the primary carer has decided

YABU, what’s your worry with him watching a bit of Peppa at grannies? Do you never have the TV on in the house when he’s awake?

I can see why your partner and his family are getting pissed off, you’re judging them on some really minor things, for example the baby talk, lots of grandparents and parents do this! Come on get a grip, before you damage the relationship irreparably.

To be fair, if either parent specifically requests that a grandparent/other carer does not do something and that person goes against their wishes then I think it's fair to put your foot down.

It's not about mum vs dad but about carers respecting parents wishes - how can you trust someone if they won't agree to basic requests?

The discussion really needs to be about how important the requests are and which mum and dad can agree on together so they present a united front.

Me and DP don’t argue in front of our son. If somethings bothered me I bring it up when DS is down for a nap or in bed so not present

I want you to imagine a wonderful toy that is advertised as very stimulating for your baby's brain, a kaleidoscope of colours, images that move, like a giant mobile. That is what a TV is to a young baby. The only problem comes when the child receives no other stimulation....which is obviously not what happens in your house.

You have your wishes, opinions and rules as a mother and when in your own home these will apply (subject to what the child's df wants). When you're in someone else's home their rules apply - no reason why baby shouldn't watch a bit of Peppa pig. It's not harmful. Your rules are petty and unnecessary.

So this is the woman who brought up the guy you’ve decided is fit to be the father of your child? She can’t have done too bad a job.

Choose your battles, you’ve a long road ahead

I agree with some of your OP, and disagree with others

As PP have said - pick your battles. Do you really want to die on the hill that is Peppa Pig? Do you actually need her to babysit? Has she actually asked if she can?

An hour of TV or a lick of chocolate is really not going to hurt your child. Obviously I don't mean 24 hours straight watching TV, and 2kg of Dairy Milk.

Calm down, take a deep breath and Google 'precious first born'

Oh, and your partner sounds like a treat - it's almost as if he genuinely doesn't give a shiny shit about anything - if only mothers could be so laid back about life.

Bloody hell. Is she still offering with all those rules? Unless she has your baby for childminding or this is several times a week then it really isn’t going to make a difference for a few hours if granny spoils him. Seems to be a universal thing with grandmothers racing to be the first to stuff chocolate in a babies mouth so I do understand the irritation but as pp say pick the battles.

You said, "Because ultimately he is your child and you get to determine how he is parented. I think you and dp must present a united front. It's more of a problem if he lets him mum undermine your parenting." So ultimately he is her child, she gets to determine how he is parented and dp must present a united front ie go along with what she has decided. That's his function then to agree with her and do what she says.

Is he a father with rights and responsibilities or the family pet? Just because he is the one out earning the money to keep the family going it doesn't mean he can't make decisions and he does have views as he's happy to let his mother put TV on.

But the dad has said he is happy to let the GM do it, is he entitled to any view on this?

Make your mind up. You said, its now coming to the point where we constantly argue Do you constantly argue or only argue when your DS is asleep? It can't be both can it.

My dm used to take both ds on chocolate picnics. Everything was chocolate, they loved it, did not happen at home and as teenagers they still talk about how wonderful it was and what a treat it was. Pick your battles! If she loves him and can take care of him then let somethings go.