Grandparent issues help!!!

[Uggghh]

I’ve never let DP’s mother babysit our son. He’s 8mo next week.

yes this may seem bad but overall she’s quite ditsy and I truly feel she’d not keep an eye on him and her house is covered in baby hazards if she took her eye off him for a second he’d get a concussion off the marble table

I also have views I’d like respected. No TV, I don’t care if other grandkids love it I don’t want my baby under 1 watching it yet

no chocolate - he doesn’t need it and we’ve been weaning for a month and a half I don’t want him eating chocolate when he’s still got so much to try

Use proper words - aka don’t say BOC BOC for bottle of milk (don’t know if this is only my area but it’s common here and it makes me shrivel up no offence to anyone who uses that term lol)

DP however- doesn’t seem to have any views. Goes along with me and then says he ‘doesn’t give a fuck’ if our son watched TV. “Let my mum have him and do what she wants” so this is where we’re at stalemate

I specifically said he doesn’t watch tv when we went last week and she ignored me and put peppa pig on. DP looked at me because he knew and didn’t even say anything I was raging.

its now coming to the point where we constantly argue because he won’t let go how his mother hasn’t babysat and I can’t let go that she won’t respect my wishes as a parent? I said we need to compromise he just says it’s always on my terms

but in all honestly I’m the one raising our son 75% of the time while he works? So yes I have stronger views. Am I really so wrong here?!!

A lot of people are saying that it's OK for the baby to watch TV occasionally, and does no harm. The problem is that once the child is aware that this kind of entertainment exists, they will start to expect that and ask for it at home. My children were addicted to TV because my husband went against me and bought one. Once they knew it was there, they almost never wanted to do anything else, other play was not as exciting. Like lots of parents I bought toys galore but they hardly played with them. Of course later on they would have made choices to have screens. Your MIL sounds appalling, but the real problem is your partner. I would try to get some help that will make it easier for you two to decide what is right as a family, as in couples therapy.

Silly DP not doing what he's told. Silly MIL not doing what she's instructed. It's like they don't know what compromise really means. He can share in decision-making about his child, well to the extent he agrees with what I decide. After all, who does 75% of the child care. Of course, if it was less than 75% then my view would still be the only one that was right.

If it was happening every day I could see your point. But once in a while for a few hours isn't going to do the baby any damage.

Jesus I said I don’t expose my son to arguing. I don’t. When I say constantly it’s frequent has been at least once every few days

and yes my son HASNT been present during those times :) and arguing aka not screaming the house down

Arguments aren’t always screaming matches

You sound like a control freak. From the children I've known whose parents banned chocolates, TV, etc. they created a taboo and made things overly attractive. The moment those children could get their hands on them they gorged. You're much better having all things in moderation.

Few things:

1. she was asking to have him but that stopped around 3/4month mark
2. DP wanted her to mind him so we could go out (ps we have had dates etc we haven’t not done anything together. My mum has babysat)
3. I don’t mean forever I just mean not right now while he’s so young
4. yes DP does have a say but when he constantly says “I agree with your style of parenting” then suddenly disagrees and lets me be ignored that is when I get a bit annoyed

He is entitled to his view of course, but I think one parent being really unhappy with something trumps the other not being bothered. If my DP were really bothered about something my parents were giving our baby (AND it was something fair, like feeding an 8mo chocolate) I wouldn't just say I wasn't bothered what he thought and I think it's fine so I'm not going to say anything.

I do think in OP's shoes there are some things that can be let go - for instance, the TV. It doesn't sound like MIL would have the baby loads anyway so what harm does it really do.

However, that said, I don't think any parent should be pushed into letting grandparents (or anyone else) babysit just because the babysitter would enjoy it. If they are not in need of babysitting help then there's no reason MIL can't come over and spent the day together with everyone/they can't go over to her.

That's true. My kids were friends with two sisters who didn't watch TV and they were totally mesmerised if they came round and the TV was on.

I dread having a daughter in law like you.....but console myself thinking hopefully one day you will be in exactly this situation when your son grows up and has a partner....🙄

Is he 'not bothered' or perhaps given up for a quiet life? Might still have opinions just thinks it's not worth the grief or pointless to disagree? To the OP, much the same but perhaps not to her DP.

You sound hardwork and a nightmare dil, do you micromanage your bf aswell? He is the father and does have some say

I'm in total agreement with you OP. The compromise I would offer is she can mind him if she respects your boundaries. However, it looks like she doesn't so unless she can show you she can I wouldn't be letting him mind him either.
As for her turning on the TV I'd have picked up my son and walked out of the room to make my point.
It's not the TV that's the issue, it's the lack of respect to your wishes as HIS MOTHER and I wouldn't back down as she'll probably only get worse and go against you even more so now is the time to reinforce those boundaries in my opinion.

I totally sympathise with you OP. If the tv is very occasional and only for short periods I might let that one go. But re. food and sweets such as chocolate I would be completely firm about that, a boundary never to be crossed as junk food and sugar are harmful especially to such a young body. It would be an absolute No from me about junk food and sweets. Does she babysit at yours? And can you trust her re. food and chocolate? If not, then just be firm. Your DP says he is not interested (!) and contradicts you in front of his mother, so you do have a DP problem, but as others have said, if you split up his DM will see more of your DC not less. Stay firm on what you know is right for your DC.

I’m with you OP. Babies don’t need chocolate, or particularly want it in my experience. Ditto TV. It’s purely a weird thing some people have.

I had a dreadful time weaning DS because of a well meaning DH taking the ‘give them what you eat’ advice way too literally

I am raising my child with no TV or chocolate as are you... But that is in the family home where they are the majority of the time. If GP were childminding when I go back to work I'd insist on those rules being followed, but not when they are doing me a favour so I can have a date night. For the sake of a few hours, it isn't going to affect them! If it's effecting your relationship with your DP and MIL you need to weigh up if it's really worth it and what compromise you can come to! Could something like if MIL is minding in your own house, follow your rules, if she's minding in her house TV is allowed for a short while work? It's hard to compromise in some situations so not sure what will work for ye!

@Maharajah20 I know I really dread the day I’ll listen to my sons partner regarding her parenting wishes! It’ll be so terrible

Ancientgran, I find all kids are mesmerised by screens, not just the ones who have limited access to it.

Fgs @ancientgran stop nitpicking! the baby is the OP's, as opposed to her mils! If the dad has a difference of opinion, the time to say is before they get to mils. He doesn't get to indulge his mum at the expense of what OP l the primary carer has decided and that he hasn't previously objected to

First time mums are allowed to be a bit ott. They are learning how to be parents!
Mils should know better than to ignore what the mum says, even when the rules are a bit extreme. No faster way to alienate a dil and ruin a relationship than by ignoring what she wants for her own child and attempting to put her son in the middle. New parenthood is a stressful time and driving wedges in relationships is not in the best interests of the baby.
The mum does need to decide what's most important. - personally I'd let a little bit of tv and baby talk slide. But dil isn't going to relax if she feels that on a fundamental level she cannot trust her mil to respect her as the parent and do what she's asked.

It's their baby, it has two parents. She wants to be in charge, well she needs to be careful what she wishes for because if he gets fed up of that and the constant arguing he might not stay and if he goes and has the baby for some of the time he is likely to take it to see gran and who knows what she might do.

He's said now that he doesn't care about all her rules and is happy for GM to put Peppa Pig on so now she knows how he feels, he was probably humouring her before knowing how controlling she is.

Mine must be unique then, they watched things they liked but were never mesmerised, their friends who weren't allowed to watch TV would sit glued to anything, racing from Chepstow, the parliament channel anything would do.

I'd give this a little more thought. You seem very stubborn and uncompromising over something very unimportant and of short duration. If you are this rigid in your current relationship you may find the BF can't handle any more and he and his Mum would be looking after your DS when he has joint custody!

I'm curious if your DP has looked after his DS on his own before - assuming he has, are you sure he follows your rules himself? If he sees nothing wrong with a little peppa pig, he might well just put it on when you're not there - that would be a bigger issue to me

If you don’t need or want a babysitter then don’t have one. No 8 month old needs chocolate, it’s a small but significant sign she’s not interested in what’s best for your baby.

Does your partner not have any rights then as the baby is his child too and your op does sound like you have forgotten that tbh. He thinks the baby will be fine with his mum and nothing you have posted has suggested she can't manage a baby for a an hour.