Advice on teen child pushing to spend the night with boyfriend

[WheresMyAlex]

Hello all,
I’m really looking for advice here, and how other people have handled this situation.
My 16 year old daughter, school leaver, has repeatedly started asking to spend the night with her 16 yo boyfriend, both here and at his home. His mother has no problem with this.
My DH & I are both in agreement that we are absolutely not comfortable with this, and it has been a firm no every time. DD obviously thinks we are being super unfair and we are finding it difficult to articulate our reasoning. Are we being unreasonable? Any advice? Thank you

Well I certainly don’t think you’re being unreasonable. 16 is very young for sleeping over with partners I wouldn’t allow my DC to do that until they’re 18 and can make their own decisions.

Why are you uncomfortable?

My 17yo spends lots of nights with his girlfriend. She is a fantastic person and they are happy together.

Your house your rules. That said at 16 she can sleep with who she likes and there really isn't anything you can do except express an opinion.

Your house your rules. Everyone needs to feel comfortable in the home. That includes you. Especially you as you are paying the bills.

You are setting a precedent. Lots of families have rules like - it must be a relationship of at least 6 months and you as parents must know their boyfriend/girlfriend quite well before overnights are permitted. Otherwise they could bring any random home.

It’s harder for teens to end relationships if their boyfriend becomes enmeshed in the family. Playing house ie spending the night together makes the relationship more serious and harder to end. It also means it’s harder for them to have time apart or spend time with their family and friends.

I just feel as though 16 is far too young to be spending the night with a boyfriend. Obviously our house our rules, I’m just be struggling not to give the stock response of ‘because I said so’. I would like to be able to reason with her, but it’s difficult.

You can refuse to let him stay over but that won't stop them having sex if they're determined to do it

I would feel flattered that she feels able to ask you.

Assuming the relationship isn't brand new and you don't feel that it is coercive in any way then I think you have the right to say not in your house, but not the right to prevent her from staying at his.

And please make sure that she is using contraception.

How will you stop her staying at her boyfriends house? Threaten her with punishment?
Is she on solid contraception?

No, she isn’t on contraception. She has not long turned sixteen and has been with said boyfriend for about 3 months, so it hadn’t been a priority before. Luckily for us, she asks and we say no and that’s the end of it. I’m aware that if they are determined, they will have sex and I cannot stop that. But I also do not want her to feel as though she has my blessing. She’s a very young 16 and I do worry about the fallout of young people engaging in adult activities.

Our stance is that sharing a bed overnight creates an added dimension to a relationship which can be difficult to maneuver out of at a young age if in hindsight you're not ready for it without causing massive upset.

Eldest already knows our rules are basically adult (over 18) long term relationships only for overnight bed sharing so thankfully we're not there yet.

It's not about sex because that'll happen no matter what if they want it to, it's about that extra enmeshment of intimacy.

I think parents who object to a legal, responsible, long-term sexual relationship are being unreasonable. If she was wanting to bring one-night stands to the house it might be a different matter. As long as you ensure they are being sensible about contraception I can't see what there is to object to. Presumably you have sex with her in the house?

Banning this will just encourage her to lie you eg I'm going for a sleepover with my friend etc, or them having sex in the daytime. Not sure what you hope to achieve. If they want to have sex they will. You will just be out of the loop if you try to lay down an arbitrary rule.

I would much rather my kids felt comfortable bringing their partners to our house than sneaking around behind my back.

I don't think having a three month long relationship is indicative of being a "very young" 16. It sounds to me like you just don't want her to be old enough for sex. But she is, and probably already is having sex unbeknownst to you.

@OfficiallyBroken Thank you, I think you have expressed what I am trying to say in a bit of a better way. It’s not necessarily about sex, it’s about young people jumping into adult relationships, and I don’t think that’s healthy. It’s difficult to negotiate as just from this thread there are lots of differing opinions.
Its gone from only a month ago it being illegal for them to sleep together, to me being unreasonable for not allowing it!

I think this provides a great opportunity to get her to GP or nurse to discuss contraceptive options. If they're not having sex already then they're clearly planning to

Thank you for your input everyone, is anyone ever comfortable at the thought of their child reaching the age where sex is on the table?
I will sit down with my DH tonight and have a good chat about it, and tomorrow I will book her in with the nurse to discuss contraception. Thanks again.

I think you have to think longer term here. When will you say ok? When she has reached a certain age? When the relationship has lasted x number of months? Because this isn't going to go away, and thinking ahead to maybe Christmas - they're both in sixth form, she's stayed at his on a number of occasions, they've been together 8 months and she's using reliable contraception and the relationship appears healthy. Would you still object in that scenario? If that something you'd be ok with then you can start to formulate your response along the lines of 'you need to be in a longer term relationship and demonstrate that you are both being sensible and respectful to each other.'

If you'd still object to that scenario then your response might be 'because your dad and I are having difficulty recognising you're growing up'

I don't know if this will help at all but many moons ago I was said 16 yo & my then boyfriends parents let me sleep over all the time. My mum wasn't comfortable & this resulted in many lies from myself And a huge fallout between the 2 of us when it eventually came out.
If you could both talk about it & come to a compromise with some boundaries or rules maybe?

Not comfortable no but accepting that it's going to happen,yes

The only thing you can control in this situation is your reaction to that inevitably. Please try and be as open and unjudgy as possible. She should feel able to talk to you about any concerns or issues she may have and that's only possible when you keep communication open

@WheresMyAlex hopefully it's an approach your daughter understands too. It's so easy for your girlfriend/boyfriend to be the absolute centre of your world at that age to the exclusion of everything else...I honestly think that sharing a bed overnight can make that more intense and then there's no way of reversing the decision without harming the relationship.

It's better for us to be the bad guys so our children have room to be by themselves as they navigate the transition into being full fledged adults rather than them having to negotiate with a boyfriend/girlfriend who wants to spend every waking and sleeping moment together.

Teen love is intense...Shakespeare nailed it with the OTT responses from Romeo and Juliet really.

My boyfriend wasnt allowed to sleep over when i was 16. My mums house so her rules. So you aren't being unfair about that OP but as another poster said you dont really have the right to stop her staying over at his now that she has turned 16.

I hate these threads. Always people coming out threatening that they’ll do it in the park. Yeah, they might.

Its not about the sex.

Its about the emotional intimacy that comes with overnight sleepovers and allowing two CHILDREN to play house. You are basically encouraging an adult-partner relationship between two fucking kids. This then turns what should be a fun and healthy relationship (with probably a bit of normal teenage alfresco shagging or in spare rooms at parties) into a very mature one where you suddenly have 16 year olds making big life choices around and prioritising her boyfriend instead of her education, goals and personal hobbies.

I’d actually much rather my DD had sneaky sex on a pile of coats at a party (protected of course) than introduce a random 16 year old son in law to my breakfast table, family events and general life. Kids should not be ‘coupled up’ so young. It makes it so much harder for them to prioritise themselves and end the relationship if needed if you allow them to start playing house together.

We had this precise situation last year. We told DD that her BF could not stay over at ours because whilst they may be having sex and it may be legal, we felt 16 was still far too young and we would not be seen to condone it.

I would say something like

“Look, DD, I think it’s great that you have such a lovely relationship with Johnny. He makes you really happy and I do like him. I know you probably will have sex eventually, and that is your decision but you need to be careful with x, y and z…

Me not allowing sleepovers is nothing to do with you guys having sex, but spending time
over night with someone and bed sharing takes your relationship to another level. It’s really intimate to wake up with someone, and spend this time together, and once you start spending time with someone like this…you can’t go back.

Things are going well with Johnny at the moment, but you’ve only been together a few months. I’m worried that your relationship might go to this level, and he becomes part of
our home and family by staying over often- and then your feelings might change. Or he might change how he treats you. I know from experience it is very hard to end a relationship once you have shared a home together in this way, and I wouldn’t want it to be harder for you to end it. Equally, me and dad aren’t ready to share our home with someone who is having a mature relationship with you. We haven’t known him long enough to be happy with this...”

or something. I think you could probably add you own stipulations for them being a certain age or together for a certain amount of time before you’ll consider it.

Romeo and Juliet's intensity led to OTT behaviour.

Because her overbearing and emotionally unavailable parents have nothing to do with her choices? She can't seek help from her distant mother, but luckily has her Nurse. He father is physically and verbally abusive when she refuses to accept forced marriage, aged 13.

Teens need advice and guidance, but the opportunity to make choices for themselves and feel supported by parents.

Of course the OP doesn't have to accept the boyfriend sleeping in her home and sharing a bed with her DD. But if that's literally just for the sake of it (if he's welcome at mealtimes and included in other ways, or would be allowed to sleep on the sofa) it seems a bit pointless to ban it outright.

While the teens will find other opportunities and places to spend time together intimately, the only thing that would chance would be DD's relationship with parents.