Advice on teen child pushing to spend the night with boyfriend

[WheresMyAlex]

Hello all,
I’m really looking for advice here, and how other people have handled this situation.
My 16 year old daughter, school leaver, has repeatedly started asking to spend the night with her 16 yo boyfriend, both here and at his home. His mother has no problem with this.
My DH & I are both in agreement that we are absolutely not comfortable with this, and it has been a firm no every time. DD obviously thinks we are being super unfair and we are finding it difficult to articulate our reasoning. Are we being unreasonable? Any advice? Thank you

This.

Why do 16yos want to have their parents hear them shagging in their bedrooms, join them at the breakfast table and play house anyway?

We were having crazy nights out with mates and silly fumbles at parties, changing boyfriends when it suits etc. never in a million years would I want to bring all that teenage craziness (which set me up for life!) in to my family home. It's just weird.

OP, I understand. It’s not them having sec that bothers you per de. It’s everything adult that accompanies that, including playing house.

I think some people divorce sex amongst young people from the emotions and other things that come with that. The sex is the easy part, it’s the rest of it that can be tricky and can have lasting negative impacts.

I don’t have parenting experience but will share some thoughts from when I was a teenager. I was determined to lose my virginity when I was 16 (suppose there was a degree of peer pressure) and I did it (it did not require a sleepover at home). Since then there would a number of lies when I would say I’d stay with my friends (and we’d go somewhere else), or I would be staying with friends and call home from their landline but then we’d go out after that. As somebody had said, your daughter asking you for this is big and having her under your roof with her boyfriend might be way better than them skulking about. As to the seriousness of relationship, I get that, my first serious boyfriend with staying over was when I was 18, but to be honest I wish it was sooner, it would have saved me from a lot of trouble.

It would be a no from me.

Just because they can have sex at 16 doesn’t mean we need to start facilitating it and turning a young relationship into something serious where they share a space.

Absolutely there needs to be a discussion about contraception, but a 3 month relationship is a child’s relationship for a 16 year old who has never had sex and is not using contraception.

I hate the fact that so many people seem to think that having boundaries isn’t an acceptable way to parent. “Must let them drink at parties because they’ll be doing it anyway. Must let them shag their latest boyfriend who they’ve been with for 5 minutes under your roof because it’ll happen anyway.” We can’t let our kids grow up with 0 boundaries otherwise they’ll have 0 boundaries going forward into adulthood.

It would be a yes from me. I grew up in a really strict Catholic household and got myself into a lot of dangerous situations because I couldn’t tell my parents the truth about where I was going or who I was with. I’d much rather know that my DD was at her boyfriend’s house having sex in a safe environment having sorted contraception than not knowing she was doing it in a field with some randomer after a bottle of Diamond White. If anything, the forbidden nature of it made it more alluring and exciting, and I’d rather it was seen as something safe and natural and normal. If my DD is in a place where she is uncomfortable I’d much rather she be able to call me or talk to and trust that I have her back, rather than her being scared to talk to me in case I shout at her or ground her. Your DD might be young 16, but she will soon be a full adult. She is already having sex - you not allowing her to do it in your home is just encouraging risky behaviour.

As the mother of DC of 24 and 27, I am going against the grain here.

DS had his first serious girlfriend in L6. To be fair they were both just 17 when this came up.

Our response as was her parents' response. Yes, that's fine providing contraception is dealt with, ie, their dd was on the pill. Both sets of parents had to be assured the other set of parents consented and yes, we had a conference call with them. There would be no lies about where they were. Their education took absolute priority and overnights (socialising at all) were restricted to Fridays and Saturdays.

They vote grew up OK and were together for about three years. We remain on Christmas card terms with her parents.

They will have sex. We preferred to support a stable relationship albeit between two immature adults. It kept channels of communication open and I honestly believe minimised the risk of pregnancy, getting poor reputations, etc. They did a lot of growing up together and then a lot of growing apart and turning into rounded, sensible humans. I think it's easier to do that with supportive families where there is honesty than not.

DD was 22 before she had a serious boyfriend and we have known him since he was 7.

You are not unreasonable. Have you asked her what she would do if she got pregnant? As we see often on Mumsnet if she chooses abortion it isn’t always plain sailing emotionally or physically.
also they are too young to be in such a serious relationship. Just dating is fine

I completely agree with this.

I was uneasy but ultimately I preferred dd at home safe than goodness knees where. I've allowed sleepovers from 16. She's had 2 boyfriends and the second she's still with 5 years later

I'm torn. I do think restricting her can lead to having sex in parks, parties etc. but having a 16 year old boy there in the morning wouldn't sit well with me either.
It might be helpful to think of a timeline (eg. When they've been together 6 months, or when you've met him enough times, when she is 17) etc.
I don't think I'd have a problem with him coming round in the evenings though- they could sit in her room with a takeaway until 8/9? Could be a fair compromise.

I’m really grateful for everyone’s replies, but especially for the ones that don’t make me feel like some uptight throwback to the Victorian times. As I said, I am going to sit down with DH tonight, and agree on some rules. Then we will approach it tomorrow with DD and also sort out some contraceptive options for her.
just to clarify, her BF is allowed round, and they often hang out in the evenings watching a film etc. but I do worry that he is becoming her world, right when she needs to be out there and widening her social circle as her friend group is going off to various different further education places.

@Suprima thank you to you especially, that’s really good advice and has given me a great template to work with when I sit down and have the chat with her.

Nah, you don't sound like a throwback to the Victorian times kinda mum at all. I hope you and your DD work things out. x

Overnight stays add an intimacy to the relationship that isn’t appropriate for a 16yo.
A good proxy for being mature enough to handle that level of intimacy in a relationship is being old enough and mature enough to manage your own household aka not living with your parents anymore. With people staying in multi-generational households as adults, that doesn’t work as a hard and fast rule, but it’s still a good guideline. there is no way at 16 she is capable of running an independent household, so she isn’t ready for sleepovers.

I think where you are is a sensible middle ground. Banning all contact just leads to rebellion, but letting them play house from 15 or 16 can get them so enmeshed in each other’s lives that it’s hard to get out. There’s plenty of time for serious relationships later, she should be having fun and not rushing into serious commitment.

We have hit that stage now. DH had to take them to a concert and we had to book accomodation lol bit awkward so we had adjoining rooms and DH said he can walk in at any moment. When he stayed at ours he had the sofa bed in the family room , she her bed. They are very young 16/17 year olds too. DD has over come some struggles and still has an eating disorder and over coming body issues (another reason i'm trying to not let her get to connected as it would destroy us to have to go back to where she was mentally last year) For now though it's super casual. Think they hang out on a weekend lucky if it's twice a month lol. Thankfully he's pretty lazy in regards to wanting to hang out and likes computer games.

I agree with this.

Please please take her to the drs to get her contraception otherwise this will not end well the chances are their already having sex or close to it and at 16 there is not a lot you can do about it apart from make sure she is protected. You have every right to whatever rules you choose in your own home however I would be very cautious of either pushing her away or putting in a situation where she starts lying to you about where she's actually going. I know its hard to let go but 16 isn't that young she is now legally a young adult.

Yeah, not happening.

Yeah we said 18 + and committed relationship (usually a few months)

I honestly feel as though 18+ & a committed relationship is very reasonable, and boundaries I think I would be comfortable with. However, there have been comments on this thread that have made me doubt whether we are able to continue to say no to her spending the night at his house. As I have said, up to now it has been a case of saying no and that being the end of it.
Sharing a bed, waking up together. I think it’s just a level of intimacy I am very uncomfortable with. Its refreshing to see a range of opinions on this thread though.

If your concern is her becoming entrenched in a relationship with him and narrowing her social circle, how about not worrying about the commitment side of the rules and opening it up to say ‘anyone can be in her room until midnight at weekends’. It sounds more liberal but gives her more freedom to extend that to all her friends /social gatherings?

You are doing exactly the right thing op. As a mother to similar age teens and a child that got heavily involved in a relationship at 16.

Your dd probably thinks she is old enough for a serious relationship, and probably idolises her boyfriend, but you know better. It’s a 3 month relationship in reality (so barely out of the traps) and at 16 ( or any age) it doesn’t equate to a ‘serious long term’ relationship. It just doesn’t. It wouldn’t for me until she is 18 plus anyway, and we are talking years not weeks or months.

I would approach it carefully. Yes he seems to be a very nice boy but taking your time is essential in new relationships, try to encourage her not to drop her friends and hobbies and remind her she will need these things if it doesn’t work out.
He will not be staying at your house until well into adulthood full stop, but maybe compromise with her staying with him at the weekends so she doesn’t fall behind at school?

I would invite him for dinner, family bbqs and the odd outing and perhaps meet his parents too at a push this Christmas if they are still together.

Encouraging dd to get so emotionally enmeshed is really not healthy at all for her, and whilst acknowledging she is technically old enough for sex, it doesn’t get mean she is emotionally ready. She could quickly find herself out of her depth and she needs you as a solid, dependable anchor to help keep her boundaries in place even if she is unaware she needs them at all, and is being swept off her feet.

Be unfailingly polite and welcoming but distant. Do everything you can to ensure you spend time with her as a family. He may have charmed her but that does not give him the green light to access your home and private family life. DD needs to understand this is the preserve of a committed relationship of many many years, and in time you will gladly enjoy a deepening relationship with him and it will happen naturally as they get older etc.

Don’t be afraid to stick to your values op, she is still a child until she is eighteen and still needs you to parent and guide her fully. Perhaps now more than ever.

When I say stay with him, I mean until 11pm
or so - not all night.

Obviously contraception is key.
I wonder how it works with pp that say they facilitate early teen relationships in their home. Does it not just speed up the process of intimacy and eventually a revolving door of new boys/men??!! All of whom you do not know well? Or at all?
How is anyone comfortable with that prospect?
The teen equivalent of a knocking shop.
I just don’t understand how anyone could that was healthy or good for their dc?